Moms and Maids

What if Sister can't afford Bridesmaid dress

My wedding is sceduled for May and has been for a year. My sister recently told me she is pregnant. Her and her husband said they were going to wait before trying to have kids, but after 3 months of marraige, here comes a little one. Sis hasn't said anything, but my stepmom said my sis probably won't be able to afford the dress with the new baby (will be about 6 weeks old at the wedding). I mentioned to my sister that if it's too much I can find someone else and she can help with other things. She flipped on me, saying she'd afford it somehow.
I don't want to put them in a tight spot, but with all my other expenses, I just can't afford her dress also. I wouldn't be mad at her if she wanted to bow out, but I need to know because I do have a "back-up bridesmaid" i can ask, but I need to give her time to buy the dress also. What should I do? I want my sister to be in my wedding and be happy, but I don't want  her to tell me last  minute that she can't afford it.

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Re: What if Sister can't afford Bridesmaid dress

  • edited December 2011
    Replacement bridesmaids make both the replaced and the replacer feel badly (I don't like to feel like my relationship with family can be replaced) so don't do it. Is there any way you can let her wear a dress in a similar color?
  • baker2snbaker2sn member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i would let her pick her own dress in the same or similar color to the one you've chosen. or try and pitch in towards her dress if you can't afford the whole thing on your own. what's more important here: the matching dresses? or having your sister is your wedding?
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-cant-afford-bridesmaid-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:89feaed0-cd30-41ab-b645-b247fad69126Post:08b2c6cc-1422-4558-baa9-b783e17fde33">What if Sister can't afford Bridesmaid dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is sceduled for May and has been for a year. My sister recently told me she is pregnant. Her and her husband said they were going to wait before trying to have kids, but after 3 months of marraige, here comes a little one. Sis hasn't said anything, but my stepmom said my sis probably won't be able to afford the dress with the new baby (will be about 6 weeks old at the wedding). I mentioned to my sister that if it's too much I can find someone else and she can help with other things. She flipped on me, saying she'd afford it somehow. I don't want to put them in a tight spot, but with all my other expenses, I just can't afford her dress also. I wouldn't be mad at her if she wanted to bow out, but I need to know because I do have a "back-up bridesmaid" i can ask, but I need to give her time to buy the dress also. What should I do? I want my sister to be in my wedding and be happy, but I don't want  her to tell me last  minute that she can't afford it.
    Posted by mandctaft[/QUOTE]

    There is just so much wrong here.

    1.  You don't replace a BM because she can't afford the dress that you want.  Hell, you don't replace a  BM unless she's tried to kill you or sleep with your FI.

    2.  Your BMs should have a say in what they will wear.

    3. You should privately ask each BM for her budget for a dress.  The one who comes in with the lowest price determines the cost of the dress (and don't forget about alteration costs).

    4. She's going to be 6 weeks post partum.  If this is her first, it's likely going to be 4-5 weeks.  She shouldn't be forced to wear a matching BM dress anyway.  There's no way you can know what size to order and even if you guess, with a newborn, she's not going to have time to get the alterations.  Don't forget that her body is still going to be changing every week.

    You need to take a step back out of your bubble of wedding world and see this from your sister's POV.  You said that she got pregnant before they had planned.  Your step-mom said sis probably won't be able to afford the BM dress that you want.

    Have you stopped once to think that she might be terrified of how they are going to afford a baby.  Your stress is miniscule compared to what she and her husband must be going through.  The last thing she needs is her sister thinking only about a piece of fabric instead of her.
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  • ShakeUpTampaShakeUpTampa member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This post just irks me a bit. You asked her because you "love" her right? She accepted because obviously she likes you to some degree....I would be pissed too if you said I can bow out if I can't afford the dress.

    My sister is 17 and my mom has been out of work for nearly 4yrs.....My grandmother offered to pay for my sisters items but I declined (she is doing some seamstress work for the FG dress and will hem their dresses for free)...so I put the deposit down on my sisters dress....at Alfred Angelo you can pay half down and half when you pick up or make weekly payments until it arrives. Either way. Pick a cheaper dress or help her out if she can't afford it.

    She is having a child and you should be EXCITED for HER just like she was excited for YOUR wedding when you announced it. Back up bridesmaids are people who were not good enough for the first round draft. Get off your high horse please and realize she is family and wants to be there for you and she might be too scared to approach you and that is why your stepmom stepped up,
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  • edited December 2011
    If your sister cann't afford the dress help her out.  I had a BM who thought she wasn't going to be able to afford the dress and I was totaly prepaired to pay for the dress.  We are all spending thousands of dollars for the weddings and helping a loved one out for a $100- $150 you can cut hear and there and not even notice.

    I would thought think about maybe letting yoursister wear something like an empire waist dress that isn't so tight so it's a bit easier to pick a size.  My MOH just had a baby on Tuesday September 20th and my wedding is on October 8th!  We did a empire waist and then the size of her stomach doesn't come into play much and it can be altered to the size of her bust.
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  • edited December 2011
    Ditto Tldh, so much is wrong.
    1. Your step-mom was wrong to make that assumption/comment to you about your sisters finances.
    2. Of course your sister flipped. She has bigger things on her mind, and you insulted her by suggesting that she cant afford to buy a dress and be in her sisters wedding.
    3. Like PPs said, "replacing" her is just wrong. If you want this back up BM in the wedding too than ask her too.
    4. If the wedding is in May (8 MONTHS) how do you not have enough time to get a little $ together to help her pay for the dress?
    4.A. How much is this dress and did you ask the girls what their budget was?
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Of course she was upset. You were basically telling her that she could be replaced. You and SM need to find a more tactful way of being helpful.

    You should never make assumptions about what other people can and cannot afford. You should ask each bm , privately, what their budget is for the bm dress and shop accordingly. Your wedding is 7 months away. If you truly believe your sister may not be able to pay for her  dress, you could put 15 - 20 bucks into a cookie jar each month. If she tells you that she can't afford the dress, you will be in the position to help her out.

    Forget about the replacement bridesmaid, even if your sister does drop out. Your sister isn't replaceable and no one wants to feel like they were second choice.Uneven sides will be fine.



                       
  • maelicmaelic member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Tell your sister she can wear whatever she wants to your wedding and that you'd be honored to have her as your bridesmaid. Oh, and you can't wait to meet the little one!

    Problem solved.
  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pps. It sounds like your sister could use some support here! Finding out that one is pregnant and not ready for it is a huge deal. She is probably pretty stressed already and finding out that her sister might be replacing her in her wedding only adds to her stress-- that is why she got upset. 

    If she is pregnant there is no way that you can even pick a dress right now-- her body is going to change in ways that nobody can predict. I'd give her a length, color, and fabric and let her get something after the baby is born that fits her budget and body type. 
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    My sister also just recently had a baby and her and her H are in a VERY tight financial spot, so I picked a new dress that was within her budget because having my sister in the wedding is more important to me than what dress she is wearing.

    I suggest you re-think your priorities here....
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  • edited December 2011
    Is having "a body" in a matching dress more important than having your sister as a bridesmaid?  If you love her and want her to be a part of your day, you will make it work.  I would let my sister wear a burlap sack if that's what it took for her to be included in my wedding celebration.  
  • edited December 2011
    It sounds like you decided that she can't afford the dress for her.  Dont make decisions for your bridesmaids and especially your sister.  Let her decide whether or not she can afford it.  As she said, she will find a way.  You dont replace bridesmaids and you def dont replace your sister. 

    Think about somone else for a change.  So she is pregnant and you should be happy for her and support her.  She and her husband are probably really excited and all you can think about is your wedding.  If I were your sister Id be so insulted that you think this way of me. 

    Also, her finances are non of your business.  Dont pass judgement on her of what she can and can't afford or what she does with her money.  It is none of your business.  She is an adult.
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  • edited December 2011

    I know for a fact my sister couldn't afford the dress when I put her in the wedding but that is my sister and I could never see myself marrying the man of my dreams without her by my side. I paid for her dress and shoes and it's not hurting what I have to pay for (wedding-wise or bills) at all. Sometimes we have to scale back a little bit for things we really want in life, this may be one of those things ...

  • dsmmdsmm member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    How sad if your relationship with your sister was damaged forever because of a stupid dress.  It's more important for your sister to be at your side on your speical day. 

    Talk to your dear sister, heart to heart.  Either pick a cheaper dress or pay for it or part of it yourself.  Being maid of honor gives her a perfect opportunity to wear a slightly different dress than the rest of the bridesmaids.  Many weddings have a bridesmaid or two who are in the child way. 
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