future MIL trying to back out of arranged agreements!

rmb646

HELP! My future MIL has agreed to pay for certain things - like my wedding band, the honeymoon, and the rehearsal dinner - and then said she never agreed to it. For the rehearsal dinner, she pre-set the menu, for only 12 people, and is refusing to pay for any drinks anyone may have. She is happy to let everyone pull out their own wallets if they want a glass of wine. Disclaimer: his parents are in no way lacking the ability to foot a few hundred dinner bill. She even tried to make him return my wedding band because it didn't "suit her tastes". We are going to Vegas with friends after the wedding. It was never intended to be a honeymoon - we are going to visit a very close friend of ours that can't make it to the wedding. My Dad kindly booked us a really nice room, flight, car, etc (not on my request). My MIL had said that she would pay for the honeymoon, and then told me that Vegas IS our honeymoon! Am I better off just foregoing any and all future assistance she may "offer" because it's going to be more of a headache, or should we address the issue when she tries to back out of things she already agreed to help on? Thanks!

-M

deepcovejackie

 Am I better off just foregoing any and all future assistance she may "offer" because it's going to be more of a headache, or should we address the issue when she tries to back out of things she already agreed to help on? Thanks! -M
Posted by rmb646[/QUOTE]

Yes.  Money comes with strings attached, as you can see.  Do what you can afford, and politely decline her offers of money or financial assistance.  It does not matter what her financial situation is, she's under no obligation to help you in any way.

calindi

It doesn't matter what they can afford or what they said or how much your parents contributed - unfortunately, the only one who has a right to say how much and for what your FILs are contributing to the wedding is your FIL.  Unless you have the money in hand, you can't count on it.  The only way you can have things exactly the way you want is if you pay.

So you can choose to kindly thank your FILs for their offer, and decline their money and pay for it yourself.

[Deleted User]

I answered you on the E board.

OP: When you post the same thing on multiple boards, please put XP in your thread title so we know it is a duplicate post.

courtney1188

Well, you've learned the important lesson to not count on anyone else's money until it's in your hand (or your bank account). But if you are going to Vegas immediately after your wedding, well that sounds like a honeymoon, so I can see why she would think that. Your honeymoon is your trip you take together right after the wedding.

As far as the wedding band goes - wtf? Why does she think YOUR wedding band should suit HER tastes? But I think another good question is why is she paying for your wedding band? That seems like something your FI should be taking care of.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-trying-back-out-of-arranged-agreements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c1939d1-cfcd-408c-8cb4-e63a14ca8a6ePost:645e1406-3a23-41fe-96c5-04437c7f2844">future MIL trying to back out of arranged agreements!</a>:
[QUOTE]HELP! My future MIL has agreed to pay for certain things - like my wedding band, the honeymoon, and the rehearsal dinner - and then said she never agreed to it. For the rehearsal dinner, she pre-set the menu, for only 12 people, and is refusing to pay for any drinks anyone may have. She is happy to let everyone pull out their own wallets if they want a glass of wine. Disclaimer: his parents are in no way lacking the ability to foot a few hundred dinner bill. She even tried to make him return my wedding band because it didn't "suit her tastes". We are going to Vegas with friends after the wedding. It was never intended to be a honeymoon - we are going to visit a very close friend of ours that can't make it to the wedding. My Dad kindly booked us a really nice room, flight, car, etc (not on my request). My MIL had said that she would pay for the honeymoon, and then told me that Vegas IS our honeymoon! Am I better off just foregoing any and all future assistance she may "offer" because it's going to be more of a headache, or should we address the issue when she tries to back out of things she already agreed to help on? Thanks! -M
Posted by rmb646[/QUOTE]

The short answer is: Yes, you are better off refusing any $$ she may offer for your wedding related expenses.

Longer answer: If she hosts and pays for the RD, then she can plan it any way she likes. If you allow her to do this, you and fi should pick up the tab for the drinks because it is very rude to expect the guests to pay.

Don't make plans for any money that she has promised. You can't force her to follow through. It's not up to you to decide whether or not they can afford to contribute.

Pay for your own honeymoon, when and if you can afford it.

Fi is the one who is marrying you. He should pay for your ring. I don't understand how his mom got involved with that.

MairePoppy

Oops! I misread the part about the rings.
I suppose fi just wanted to show his mom your ring. He should just ignore her opinion on that. You are the only who has to like the ring.

SCogs18

I don't think you can count on her for any financial assistance.  You don't want to risk your plans falling appart because she refuses to contribute what she promised and then you being unable to foot the bill yourselves.  However, I think your fiancee should talk to his mother about this.  It will be much better recieved coming from her child than from you.

lalap69

You should never count on money until it's in your hand.  Plan your wedding based on no contributions from your ILs.  And then even if they do offer it, you might be better off to just decline their money and their strings.

Kristin789

Unless SHE signed the vendor contracts, she's not obligated to pay for anything.

RE:  RD - did she go to the vendor, do samplings, choose the menu with the catering director, and SIGN THE CONTRACT?  If so, she's locked in and that's it.

If she just "told you" this or that, she's not obligated at all. 

trix1223

I think it's weird that you and your FI are comfortable with allowing his mother to buy YOUR wedding band.  Even if parents pay for every freakin' other thing in the wedding, a wedding band should be a gift from one spouse to another.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-trying-back-out-of-arranged-agreements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c1939d1-cfcd-408c-8cb4-e63a14ca8a6ePost:eec580fa-902c-4dca-b1ff-8f45698854dd">Re: future MIL trying to back out of arranged agreements!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's weird that you and your FI are comfortable with allowing his mother to buy YOUR wedding band.  Even if parents pay for every freakin' other thing in the wedding, a wedding band should be a gift from one spouse to another.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

I have to agree.  I'd be unhappy if my FH couldn't figure out how to get the wedding band he is giving me.  Maybe you have a FH problem as well as a FMIL problem.

And, my response would be to not count on money from others.  Pay what you can afford.

rmb646

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-trying-back-out-of-arranged-agreements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8c1939d1-cfcd-408c-8cb4-e63a14ca8a6ePost:0a79d07d-92ed-4e45-bfd5-f3aaa3f48fa4">Re: future MIL trying to back out of arranged agreements!</a>:
[QUOTE]I answered you on the E board. OP: When you post the same thing on multiple boards, please put XP in your thread title so we know it is a duplicate post.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks, didn't realize. :)</div><div>
</div><div>My FMIL agreed to pay for my wedding band because she offered numerous times to pay for something - anything - and he finally brought it up to me and we decided to brainstorm. We never <em>counted</em> on her from the get-go to pay for it. Both of our bands were already purchased before she said she'd pay for them so clearly, we can afford the bands on our own. My father had declined any assistance from her with the total wedding cost, and she continued to ask so... Obviously, big mistake on our parts for accepting it. </div><div>
</div><div>So that's how she came to be paying for it. Not because we couldn't afford to do it.</div><div>
</div><div>Bottom line: lesson learned.

</div>