Moms and Maids

Mother of the Groom & Sister of the Groom

HELP,

My finace does not want his sister to be apart of our wedding ceremony/party.  Her feelings are really hurt, but he has his reasons and I have to respect them.  He and I have compromised and I offered to have his sister wear a bridesmaid dress in a different color and be a "helper".  She will be helping with the Flower girl and ring bearer, handing out programs ect.  Everything was fine until she went to try on the BM dress that was selected, she does not think it looks good on her and wants something different.  

I folded and said she could choose whatever she wanted in order to keep the peace, my finace was not happy, he says this is typical behavoir for his sister - making everything about her,  and asked her to just go along with the dress I had selected.  Now his mother and his sister are lashing out at him and at me.  My finace has tried to rationalize with his family, but they do not want to hear it.  His sister is now threatening to not be in the wedding and his mother is angry saying I am being selfish and rude.

My finaces mother and sister have been distant and insulting through most of the wedding planning.  The wedding is a bit to "fancy" for their taste.  They have critcized everything from the food, location, date and now dresses.  I have bent and given in to all of the previous demands, but my fiance is angry that we are not getting what we want because of his family.  I would like things to go smoothly.

I am not sure what to do at this point.  Any advice?

Re: Mother of the Groom & Sister of the Groom

  • Let her wear whatever she wants - she would have if she were "only" a guest and not a "helper"  geez.
  • OK - the helper thing is an insult.  You aren't going to be a bridesmaid, but  you are going to get crap jobs, wear the same dress in an off color so no one thinks you are a bridesmaid and everyone will be happy.

    No!  While she sounds like a PITA you should have honored your FI's wishes and not tried to include her with crap jobs.

    You guys are not getting what you want because you are bending and they know you will so they will nag you until they get what they want.

     You and FI need to regroup for a minute here.  She isn't in the wedding so tell her she can buy whatever dress she wants and she can attend as a guest if that is what FI wants.  YOU train people how to treat you and  you guys are training them to nag  you into submission.  
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    ditto kmmssg. Either she is in the wedding party or she isn't. The bride and groom only get to choose the attire for the wedding party - bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ringbearers. I know you were trying to compromise, but it was rude to tell her she is not a bm, but you are going to pick out her dress anyway.

    Either make her a bm or tell her she can wear whatever she likes.
                       
  • LambbopLambbop member
    100 Comments

    I agree with PP who said if the dress is that big of deal she can wear whatever she wants and come as a guest. Since she is already threatening to not be in the wedding, take her up on that offer.

    If you are stuck on including her somehow... maybe go with a more conventional title than "helper." She could be an usherette, personal attendant, or simply hand out programs.

    I would feel pretty demeaned as a grown woman to be called a "helper" and then told what to wear.

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-the-groom-sister-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8f0ad7ae-cdce-4bd4-9a45-0df0aac4381cPost:fb2b09fb-908e-4868-a59d-02b41cbf5a85">Re: Mother of the Groom & Sister of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK - the helper thing is an insult.  You aren't going to be a bridesmaid, but  you are going to get crap jobs, wear the same dress in an off color so no one thinks you are a bridesmaid and everyone will be happy. No!  While she sounds like a PITA you should have honored your FI's wishes and not tried to include her with crap jobs. You guys are not getting what you want because you are bending and they know you will so they will nag you until they get what they want.  You and FI need to regroup for a minute here.  She isn't in the wedding so tell her she can buy whatever dress she wants and she can attend as a guest if that is what FI wants.  YOU train people how to treat you and  you guys are training them to nag  you into submission.  
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    All of this!
  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    I agree with PPs.  Think about it from her perspective.  You are telling her what to wear, but she doesn't get to be a bridesmaid, just give out programs and take care of the kids in the wedding?  Sounds like a thankless job - it would be one thing if she offered help and was allowed to wear her own dress, but I don't blame her for not wanting to wear your 'suggested attire.'
  • I don't know why everyone's so offended by the "helper" status, the name sounds odd but I assume she's just going to be a female usher when OP says she'll help with the ring bearers and handing out programs.  My brother and FI's brother-in-law are ushers to have them be included in our big day!
  • I wouldn't be offended about the helper status but omg just let her wear what she wants then. If she isn't a BM then she can wear what she wants with no stipulations included. You cannot dictate what she wears.
  • "Helper" is a terrible title for what you are asking her to do.  It sounds like she'll be an 'usher' (handing out programs, and instead of escorting guests to their seats, she'll be directing the children during the ceremony).  This is an acceptable way to include her, but she is not part of the wedding party, so you do NOT get to tell her what to wear.

    You and your FI are in the wrong on this one.  Apologize to her profusely for the misunderstanding and tell her that you want her to wear whatever will make her the most comfortable.  If you want her to stand out as more than a guest, but not quite WP, then get her a corsage.
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