grrr. HELP

DeeDee00

Okay so first let me set up a little background info. 

My FI and I have a few issues with his family!!!!  One of his aunts decided she was going to kick him out of his house.  She went over there threw all his stuff out of his room and basically took over his room.  So him and I went to pick up his things, because he was just gunna move in with me.  While we were getting his stuff his aunt came in and asked me a question and i answered.  everyone was upset and mad that day. specially my FI.  so as i answered her question she thought i was being a smart ass. i really wasn't because i was unaware of the statement she made to me. so when i replied saying it wasn't happening it set her off. she got in my face and started yelling and cussing me out.  i calmly asked her to get out of my face and she told me to get out of hers...i was already up against a door and said i had no wehre to go that she had gotten in my face. so she decided to call the cops on us. tho my FI and i had everything so we just left and moved on.  after this took place for about a month things were bad. she was calling the cops on us and threatening us. for no absolute reason. 

so this aunt has a daughter and her daughter has twins.  i messaged her and asked the twins to be in our wedding as the FG and RB.  She replied to my message by saying that they could not be in the wedding unless we apologized to her mother and ended all of this. which we have basically just ignored it and moved on.  and i replied back to her saying yes i would apologize however i wanted an apology from her also and i explained that i never intended any of this to happen.  and said that maybe we could all have dinner somewhere and solve this because we had been threatened to step foot on her property.  i sent this message to her 2-3 weeks ago and she has not replied

so am i in the wrong. should i have not said what i said....or should i just assume that her not replying means the kids will not be in the wedding. i am so confused on what is going on?

JMot7

To me this sounds like a classic case of moving on!
Does FI have any intention of fixing his relations with the aunt? Were you close with the aunt or her daughter in the past?
If FI could care less about salvaging the relationship with his aunt I would suggest you take his lead and move on. Afterall, he has known her longer than you've known her and knows how easily she lets the past go, or how reasonable she is, or if she is even a person worth keeping in your life!
If you have had a close relationship with the aunt or daughter in the past and do not want to lose them in this battle, maybe swallowing your pride and admitting only to your own misdoings but expressing that the way they treated you(as a bistander only trying to help your FI) was also very disrespectful.
But I do have to say that life is too short to have toxic people around you! If they cannot be civil to you AND FI they dont deserve the pleasure of knowing you!

DeeDee00

I am in no way close to this aunt or daughter!!! This aunt claims she has helped my FI thou so much in his life and always been there for him when in fact she has done nothing but hurt him emotionally and do cruel things to him!!! So he does not like her and has no intentions of apologizing. But said he would just so Theae kids could be in our wedding. Him and his cousin and these twins are close!!! And he really wanted them to be in the wedding. Tho has said if she's gunna act like this oh well!!! I have my own family problems and this stupid drama is the least of my worries and if they were out of my life I would be okay with it. But it would cause the rest of his family to be upset with him!!!! So what do I do if the cousin assumes the kids are in the wedding when the day gets closer? Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. But I hate being unsure about my wedding party!!!

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:90f21497-ab5c-4fba-8a8c-ad87b5f037f7Post:9a5419ec-1f6c-48d5-b6fb-3cc688439a31">grrr. HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay so first let me set up a little background info.  My FI and I have a few issues with his family!!!!  One of his aunts decided she was going to kick him out of his house.  She went over there threw all his stuff out of his room and basically took over his room.  So him and I went to pick up his things, because he was just gunna move in with me.  While we were getting his stuff his aunt came in and asked me a question and i answered.  everyone was upset and mad that day. specially my FI.  so as i answered her question she thought i was being a smart ass. i really wasn't because i was unaware of the statement she made to me. so when i replied saying it wasn't happening it set her off. she got in my face and started yelling and cussing me out.  i calmly asked her to get out of my face and she told me to get out of hers...i was already up against a door and said i had no wehre to go that she had gotten in my face. so she decided to call the cops on us. tho my FI and i had everything so we just left and moved on.  after this took place for about a month things were bad. <span style="font-weight:bold;">she was calling the cops on us and threatening us. for no absolute reason.</span>  so this aunt has a daughter and her daughter has twins.  i messaged her and asked the twins to be in our wedding as the FG and RB.  She replied to my message by saying that they could not be in the wedding unless we apologized to her mother and ended all of this. which we have basically just ignored it and moved on.  and i replied back to her saying yes i would apologize however i wanted an apology from her also and i explained that i never intended any of this to happen.  and said that maybe we could all have dinner somewhere and solve this because <strong>we had been threatened to step foot on her property.  i sent this message to her 2-3 weeks ago and she has not replied so am i in the wrong. </strong>should i have not said what i said....or should i just assume that her not replying means the kids will not be in the wedding. i am so confused on what is going on?
Posted by DeeDee00[/QUOTE]

She has called the cops on you, told you to stay off their property and they have not returned your calls. How many ways can someone say "Leave us alone," before you take the hint?

Don't contact them again. I think it's safe to assume that the twins are not going to be in your wedding party.

Good luck.

vicki0508

You have 8 months before the wedding, and that's plenty of time to sort this out.  However, until FI patches things up with his aunt, don't expect the twins to be in the wedding.

I think you've reached out enough, and until the aunt is ready to talk you should leave her alone.

trix1223

Maire:  may I co-sign your post?  Because it's exactly what I would have said.

OP:  A big old good luck with all this.

MairePoppy

Trix - I'm glad you're back.

deepcovejackie

Yep, time to mooooove on.  They don't want contact with you at this time.  Leave them alone.  Why did you think it would be a good idea to ask her daughter to have the kids in the WP anyway?

Good luck with your planning.

kellyb1487

I would say 'stay away" do you really want the cops called again?

Also please note for future post it is not "gunna" it is "gonna" shortened version of going to. Also it is not thou or tho, it should be though. It was starting to hurt my head

TiffannieF

Some people want a way over the top apology and when you give it to them it's still not enough. I think family should always forgive however just saying you're sorry so the kids could be in the wedding is just caving into bad behavior and makes people think that the way they are doing things is completely ok. So talk it over with your FI, give it some time to cool down, an play it by ear. Good luck!!!!

DeeDee00

Wow some are yall completely off subject here. becuase we have never made contact with the aunt since the issue took place. we made contact with the daughter. which we have ALWAYS had contact with her. so we kindly asked her children to be in the wedding. and her reply was to apologize to her mother which we agreed to do however we were not gunna over step her boundaries so i asked the daughter if we could set up a dinner to do this. and then she didn't reply. so why the daughter asked us to apologize and then not contact me about doing it is a loss to me. and confusion. we never ended contact with this daughter. and we have never pushed to talk to this aunt or even care. so for those of you who commented and said for us to take a hint....u were way off!!!!

DeeDee00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:90f21497-ab5c-4fba-8a8c-ad87b5f037f7Post:ad5bfb44-1c07-450c-93d1-129877445b1c">Re: grrr. HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say 'stay away" do you really want the cops called again? Also please note for future post it is not "gunna" it is "gonna" shortened version of going to. Also it is not thou or tho, it should be though. It was starting to hurt my head
Posted by kellyb1487[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>when typing on a phone its a little easier to use shortened versions. and im pretty sure it doesnt matter how i write gonna or gunna. you got the point. and i never said i was perfect. excuse me!!!</div>

KateG528

Because this is between your FI and his aunt I suggest you allow him to handle this situation.  Clearly there is more to the issues than what happened that day at the house or she wouldnt have been kicking him out. If he wants to salvage this relationship then he needs to do it. I agree with PPs however that it is safe to assume that the twins are not going to be in your wedding.

Good luck.

DeeDee00

yes i did know it would mean dealing with her. and i am acting like an adult and can put things behind me cuz its been a while since this has happened.  and we were never on the outs with the aunt or the twins. so it was never a problem.  i didnt know it was stupid to act like an adult and try to fix things after things have calmed down. we have seen this aunt thru family issues with my FI mom being in the hospital and we have all been civil. we are just wanting to get this out of our worries. 

StacyJenniges

I love ready posts, and I'm glad to see you telling people they are not giving you advise to your question.  I also get annoyed when people correct my spelling because I know I'm not good at it and it's not like the Knot or Facebook is something for work that it is important. 

To your question,  I think give the cousin a little time, she's probably feeling very confused and wants to be sure she doesn't get in between you and her mother's issues.  But I do think that what your FI aunt has done is way out of hand.  You might have to swallow your pride and appologize for what you said, and hopefully by showing that you are the better person will make her realize that she was wrong.  You know some say that the best way to get back at someone doing you wrong is to be extra kind to them.

Good luck with all of this, I'm very sorry you have to go through this mess.

StacyJenniges

Oh and maybe the cousin got a different story and it was told to her where it was obviously your fault.  And above I meant reading not Ready.

DeeDee00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:90f21497-ab5c-4fba-8a8c-ad87b5f037f7Post:af25ee9f-71b8-4e28-9259-2d9f3a6eac24">Re: grrr. HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I love ready posts, and I'm glad to see you telling people they are not giving you advise to your question.  I also get annoyed when people correct my spelling because I know I'm not good at it and it's not like the Knot or Facebook is something for work that it is important.  To your question,  I think give the cousin a little time, she's probably feeling very confused and wants to be sure she doesn't get in between you and her mother's issues.  But I do think that what your FI aunt has done is way out of hand.  You might have to swallow your pride and appologize for what you said, and hopefully by showing that you are the better person will make her realize that she was wrong.  You know some say that the best way to get back at someone doing you wrong is to be extra kind to them. Good luck with all of this, I'm very sorry you have to go through this mess.
Posted by StacyJenniges[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you so much. I didn't write this post in order to get told how stupid i am or how i could think these things. i asked for advise and help.  i have told my side of the story to the daughter in the message i sent her and simply said this is my view and my opinion it was in no way to upset or cause more problems. i wanted my voice heard. since she was not their to witness the incident i felt my voice needed to be heard. and i was prepared for it causing more issues. but am i to assume that shes mad from my response or she has changed her mind. or what is going on???

</div>

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:90f21497-ab5c-4fba-8a8c-ad87b5f037f7Post:1cf4a2a4-9f25-4d32-b0dd-88650af3d9d9">Re: grrr. HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: grrr. HELP : Thank you so much. I didn't write this post in order to get told how stupid i am or how i could think these things. i asked for advise and help.  i have told my side of the story to the daughter in the message i sent her and simply said this is my view and my opinion it was in no way to upset or cause more problems. i wanted my voice heard. since she was not their to witness the incident i felt my voice needed to be heard. and i was prepared for it causing more issues. but am i to assume that shes mad from my response or she has changed her mind. or what is going on???
Posted by DeeDee00[/QUOTE]

1) No one told you that you were stupid

2) These are public boards and people can respond however they please.

3) I would advise you to take her lack of a response as a lack of interest.  Assume her children will not be in the wedding and move on.  If this upsets her, she has herself to blame for giving you the cold shoulder.

Good luck.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:90f21497-ab5c-4fba-8a8c-ad87b5f037f7Post:6e10bffa-b0e9-4e15-9af3-481e88827413">Re: grrr. HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Maire:  may I co-sign your post?  Because it's exactly what I would have said. OP:  A big old good luck with all this.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Count me in also...exactly.

DeeDee00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:90f21497-ab5c-4fba-8a8c-ad87b5f037f7Post:36b503da-7c2a-4f6d-8e4f-7ae9928b8b0d">Re: grrr. HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: grrr. HELP : 1) No one told you that you were stupid 2) These are public boards and people can respond however they please. 3) I would advise you to take her lack of a response as a lack of interest.  Assume her children will not be in the wedding and move on.  If this upsets her, she has herself to blame for giving you the cold shoulder. Good luck.
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]

<div>No one ever spelled out i was stupid. but im sure meant it in some replies. tho i understand this is public. i asked people what they thought this meant. not to reply saying why on earth did u even ask or what not. that being said. thanks for your advise. ive thought exactly what you said to just ignore it move on. and assume i don't have them in the wedding. i just don't want more drama when the wedding becomes closer and they assume they are in the wedding. but i guess i will dealw ith it when it comes. my FI family is so small as it is. and he doesn't really have the parents he deserves hes a good man and i feel so bad for having a good family and his be lacking so much. but my parents have made him their son. and treat him like one of theirs. and i am very grateful for that. </div>

DeeDee00

i sent a single message. and a messge that she asked me to reply to. so i have not tried and tried and tried. and not only that i have not even tried to contact the aunt. 

StacyJenniges

Very good to let her know your side of the story, that was a smart idea, she may be upset right now from your side, but if I may say so the Aunt really sounds like she could be an irrational person from the story I wrote, so letting her know your side is very smart. 

You may have written this but how long ago did you write the daugher?

DeeDee00

Most of my wedding party is my family that i have been close to for many years. and things wont change between us. also i asked people because they kept asking me have u decided yet. i better get to do something. blah blah blah. so i chose. plus i have been planning my wedding for MONTHS. even before the engagement because i knew i was getting engaged. just wasn't sure when.  i am an organized person. and actually have everything booked and planned completely. i also asked this early because my brother is also getting married and i wanted people aware that there will be two weddings within 6 months. in order to give them time to save money and make sure they were able to attend. specially since my brothers wedding is a distant wedding and will cost everyone attending a lot more. we are also having to plan things around another friends wedding. and the dates are all becoming compacted....plus we are having things made for the wedding that take several several months and we needed wedding party names. so there are several reasons for asking so early. and no one will change their mind or relationships wont change. and before i asked these twins i knew it was going to be the hardest one. thats why i waited til last. plus i work all the time so there are no time for relationships to change. 

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grrr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:90f21497-ab5c-4fba-8a8c-ad87b5f037f7Post:36b11e38-009c-4708-a5ca-61a8c5c348b4">Re: grrr. HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]Most of my wedding party is my family that i have been close to for many years. and things wont change between us. also i asked people because they kept asking me have u decided yet. i better get to do something. blah blah blah. so i chose. plus i have been planning my wedding for MONTHS. even before the engagement because i knew i was getting engaged. just wasn't sure when.  i am an organized person. and actually have everything booked and planned completely. i also asked this early because my brother is also getting married and i wanted people aware that there will be two weddings within 6 months. in order to give them time to save money and make sure they were able to attend. specially since my brothers wedding is a distant wedding and will cost everyone attending a lot more. we are also having to plan things around another friends wedding. and the dates are all becoming compacted....plus we are having things made for the wedding that take several several months and we needed wedding party names. so there are several reasons for asking so early. and<strong> no one will change their mind or relationships wont change.</strong> and before i asked these twins i knew it was going to be the hardest one. thats why i waited til last.<strong> plus i work all the time so there are no time for relationships to change. 
</strong>Posted by DeeDee00[/QUOTE]

What?  That's kind of a defeatist attitude, don't you think?

DeeDee00

well i work 40 hours a week and go to school full time. and i still make time to talk to my close friends. and see my family when i get a chance. so im not sure if i could actually piss anyone off or see how things can change. obviously anything is possible. but these are all friendships and relationships that have strong bonds and have been in tact for many years. and we've had arguments, fights, and problems. but we work things out. and like i said a lot is family i have a bunch of siblings. 

so to say things won't change and that i am so busy that things can't go too bad. is easy. you have to take life as a grain of salt. everyones life is diff. and everyones friendships are diff. and everyones families are diff. but the family and friends i have in my wedding are stongly intact. so i am not worried. nor scared of things changing.