Mother of groom not coming

Meganr22

My fiance is the youngest of three, he has a brother and sister who are already married.  His sister didn't have a wedding, she went to a courthouse to get married.  We are having a destination wedding in Myrtle Beach in June with our family.  His mother has known for MONTHS now.  She called his sister and left a message on her answering machine that she wouldn't be able to go to our wedding because someone else had requested that week for vacation.  I know thats just an excuse.  She works at a grocery store meat counter for goodness sake!  And she couldn't even bother to call us and let us know, she left a message when she knew his sister would be at work and wouldn't answer the phone.  The problem isn't money, we offered to pay her way, and his sister offered to pay for her as well.  His brother's wife just told me she didn't bother going to their wedding as well. And they were married here.  They had to drop the unity candle part of the ceremony at the last minute because she wasn't there for it.  My parents would bend over backwards for us, and his mother can't even manage to get herself there.  What kind of person doesn't care about her son's wedding?  The 3 of them don't seem at all surprised, They just shrugged and said "thats our mother for you."  I am really hurt though.  I just can't understand a mother just not wanting to be a part of her son's wedding.  His sister and brother both have children as well, and she never bothers to go visit her granchildren either. 

FutureJilliannD

I wouldn't take it personally. It sounds like she is just a very uninvolved mother. I understand where you are coming from though. If my FMIL was not coming to the wedding, I would feel awful. I think the most important thing is that you are there for your FI if he is upset by this, although from your letter it doesn't sound like anyone expected it to go any different.

McKenna2012

Yeah, that sucks, but don't take it personally. It's obviously not a reflection of how she feels about you as a couple. It's her loss not to be involved in her children's lives.

aerinpegadrak

If your FI isn't upset by it, I don't know why it bothers you.  MIL bailed on our wedding about three days before, and DH was honestly relieved.  It's his mother, so I always let him take the lead on how to handle her.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-groom-not-coming?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9193bfe2-be41-4c3c-b0e7-925b60436221Post:41544a29-4790-41f3-95f3-b8c075638b40">Mother of groom not coming</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance is the youngest of three, he has a brother and sister who are already married.  His sister didn't have a wedding, she went to a courthouse to get married.  We are having a destination wedding in Myrtle Beach in June with our family.  His mother has known for MONTHS now.  She called his sister and left a message on her answering machine that she wouldn't be able to go to our wedding because someone else had requested that week for vacation.  I know thats just an excuse.  She works at a grocery store meat counter for goodness sake!  And she couldn't even bother to call us and let us know, she left a message when she knew his sister would be at work and wouldn't answer the phone.  The problem isn't money, we offered to pay her way, and his sister offered to pay for her as well.  His brother's wife just told me she didn't bother going to their wedding as well. And they were married here.  They had to drop the unity candle part of the ceremony at the last minute because she wasn't there for it.  My parents would bend over backwards for us, and his mother can't even manage to get herself there.  What kind of person doesn't care about her son's wedding?  The 3 of them don't seem at all surprised, <strong>They just shrugged and said "thats our mother for you."  I am really hurt though.  I just can't understand a mother just not wanting to be a part of her son's wedding.  His sister and brother both have children as well, and she never bothers to go visit her granchildren either. 
</strong>Posted by Meganr22[/QUOTE]

Don't expect her to change the way she's always been just for you.

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-groom-not-coming?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9193bfe2-be41-4c3c-b0e7-925b60436221Post:41544a29-4790-41f3-95f3-b8c075638b40">Mother of groom not coming</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance is the youngest of three, he has a brother and sister who are already married.  <strong>His sister didn't have a wedding, she went to a courthouse to get married. </strong> We are having a destination wedding in Myrtle Beach in June with our family.  His mother has known for MONTHS now.  She called his sister and left a message on her answering machine that she wouldn't be able to go to our wedding because someone else had requested that week for vacation.  I know thats just an excuse.  <strong>She works at a grocery store meat counter for goodness sake!</strong>  And she couldn't even bother to call us and let us know, she left a message when she knew his sister would be at work and wouldn't answer the phone.  The problem isn't money, we offered to pay her way, and his sister offered to pay for her as well.  His brother's wife just told me she didn't bother going to their wedding as well. And they were married here.  They had to drop the unity candle part of the ceremony at the last minute because she wasn't there for it.  My parents would bend over backwards for us, and his mother can't even manage to get herself there.  What kind of person doesn't care about her son's wedding?  The 3 of them don't seem at all surprised, They just shrugged and said "thats our mother for you."  I am really hurt though.  I just can't understand a mother just not wanting to be a part of her son's wedding.  His sister and brother both have children as well, and she never bothers to go visit her granchildren either. 
Posted by Meganr22[/QUOTE]
Judge much?

bogdan

It's been 25 years since my wedding. Neither of my husband's divorced parents knocke themselves out to come to our out of state wedding. That should have been my first clue. After 10 years of living hundreds of miles away from them, we moved to a town in their state, 45 minutes away from my MIL. After 18 1/2 years of living this close, she has NEVER had my children for an overnight or for a few hours, come to think of it:). She rarely remembers their birthdays. We only see her on holidays. My daughter is newly engaged and has asked my husband if she has to invite his family. We are leaving it solely up to her. It is VERY strange to me, coming from a close family that some families actually behave this way, but, they do. It took me a long time to not take it personally. I hope you can start NOW to realize this is just the way your FMIL is and not to expect her to change. You can still respect her as the woman who gave birth to you FI, but that's about all. Enjoy the other people in your lives who really love and care about you and your special day and new life:)

Tikami

I understand where you are coming from to some extent. The groom's parents are really involved in our wedding, which is also a destination wedding, My mom told me (now two months before the big day) that she isn't going to come. She has been trying ti talk me out of having my wedding in Florida since we picked that place (even though we picked that location because we wanted her dad to be able to go, and he can't travel much.)

I guess if it doesn't bother your fiance just take it with a grain of salt. It sounds like she's just that way. It sucks, but try to focus on the life and family you're building instead of the one he's from. 

I'll try to remember that, too! PM me if you need to gripe about parental stuff, I understand!

Meganr22

@vicki0508 No, not judging at all.  Just pointing out that out of 3 children, one didn't have a wedding, one had a wedding and she didn't show up, this is her last chance to see one of her children be married.  She has known for months, she could have asked for her vacation long ago.  Some small offices may only allow one worker to take a vacation each week, but a large grocery store with probably a hundred or more employees? I just don't believe that, especially when she only works 2-3 days a week.

@ Tikami, I am so sorry about your mother, I know how bad I feel about his mother not coming, I couldn't imagine if it were my mother.  My mom is great, and I just can't comprehend a mother acting like that I guess because I haven't been around a parent that is like that.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-groom-not-coming?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9193bfe2-be41-4c3c-b0e7-925b60436221Post:98b82496-a692-40e0-8fc6-689fd6f19a0b">Re: Mother of groom not coming</a>:
[QUOTE]@vicki0508 No, not judging at all.  Just pointing out that out of 3 children, <strong>one didn't have a wedding,</strong> one had a wedding and she didn't show up, this is her last chance to see one of her children be married.  She has known for months, she could have asked for her vacation long ago.  Some small offices may only allow one worker to take a vacation each week, but a large grocery store with probably a hundred or more employees? I just don't believe that, especially when she only works 2-3 days a week. @ Tikami, I am so sorry about your mother, I know how bad I feel about his mother not coming, I couldn't imagine if it were my mother.  My mom is great, and I just can't comprehend a mother acting like that I guess because I haven't been around a parent that is like that.
Posted by Meganr22[/QUOTE]
But she had a wedding.  A courthouse wedding is still a wedding, and it belittles her marriage to imply that it's not.

And hourly employees don't tend to get a lot of vacation (if their contract lets them accrue any at all), and getting it granted can be a pain in the ass.  I have friends who weren't given time off to take final exams or for their OWN weddings, let alone someone else's.  It's very presumptuous to think that she should just be able to take vacation whenever she wants to if you don't actually know the company's policies.

It sucks, but she's not your mom.  It's not your problem.

Tikami

@ meganr22 Yeah, I can see how that would be difficult to comprehend when you're not used to it. My FI is in the same boat, but because a guy he is taking the opposite stand on it. He has never really gotten on with my mother (which is a little funny because she LOVES the him) and he always says that she is just a volitile person and that I should write her off. I keep trying to explain that she's my mom, and I can't do that. Part of it is that his family is wonderful. He's never had to deal with a family that lets you down at every turn.

It sounds like you're FI is very used to it and wasn't expecting much else from her. I guess that just because a person is your flesh and blood doesn't mean you have be very involved in their life. It's unfortunate, but try to focus on the people that *are* coming. The people that love you will be there, and you and your fiance will be there, so try to focus on that and not worry about her. Easier said than done, I know! 

calindi

I totally get how frustrating this can be.  When your own family is so inclusive and affectionate, it's confusing to see someone else's family (especially your SO's family) not act the same way.  My BF has been consistently treated like he doesn't count as family, and while they're friendly, they aren't helpful or involved in his life.  It boggles my mind, because my parents call him up on his birthday but his own Mom just sends a text message.  When he took his LSATs, he called his Mom up to tell her his score (which was quite good), and she said, "That's nice.  You won't believe the day I just had..."  My parents sent him a congratulatory card for the occasion and called him up to ask all about it.  It drives me nuts to see someone so deserving of love and affection be basically ignored!

But you know what - it works for their family.  It's just how it is.  They're used to it, and unfortunately there's nothing you can do to fix it or change it.  It's taken me a long time to come to a comfortable acceptance with my inability to change the dynamics in his family.  Hopefully you can do the same!

courtney1188

Right now your F is accepting that she's not coming and isn't making a big deal out of it. So I can see why you're upset, but I would drop it. Not saying you've done this, but if you go on and on to your FI about her not coming and being upset you might get him worked up about it too. Right now he's doing fine, so I would just leave it.