Mostly a vent but advice is always welcome!

JMot7

So here's my deal...
My mom and I have always been close. We have our occasional disagreements but who doesn't? Anyway...when FI and I announced our engagement and the wedding date for a full 2 years in the future, I expected my mom of all people to get excited for us. But I got no reaction other than "Oh! Well...congrats"
I know that I can't force excitement on a person but I'm talking about a pretty emotional woman here! I was expecting SOMETHING more than that! So when I started the planning process recently my mom and I had an unspoken understanding that she would be very involved in the process. I thought that for sure she would become more excited as time passed and the realization that her only daughter was getting married in the near future. But still nothing.
What's worse is that when I come to her with ideas she seems less than interested. I would take that to mean that she doesn't want part in the planning but when she finds a wedding article or has an idea she's all about the wedding! Can you say "mixed signals"?

The other part of this is really tearing me up.
FI and I are by no means wealthy, neither are my parents, and his parents certianly have no expendable income. When the topic of budget came up between my parents and I, i knew the number they would give me would be miniscule but I appreciated what they could contribute.
The other day my mom brings up a conversation she had with a friend where she complained "I just wish she would move the wedding back another 2 years so we(my dad and mom) could afford to go on our 25th wedding anniversary trip! This winter is my anniversary not just her wedding!"
After some thought I am VERY hurt by this statement. I understand that 25 years is a big deal but I cant help but feel like she is saying that my wedding doesn't matter as much as her anniversary trip. Without their budget contribution this wedding will not happen but at the same time I feel like I am being selfish by taking the money they agreed to help us with.
All day today I've been considering the idea of just scrapping the wedding and eloping in order to make everyone(except me) happy. I have no idea what to do.
Ugggghhh!
 
If you're still with me, thank you for reading my rant!

ootmother2

I think you're going to need a fire extinguisher for the flaming you're going to get.

indiana108

Don't scrap the wedding!!  And don't be too hard on your mom.  As a MOB , I can kind of see your mom's point of view if money is tight.  She may have been anticipating her anniv. trip for a while.  She probably shouldn't have been so blunt about telling you though.  Talk to her and let her know how that made you feel, and I'll bet you find out she may have just been venting too.  have a wonderful wedding and good luck!

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mostly-vent-but-advice-always-welcome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:91c267d8-452a-4c10-94f5-5ba152e75121Post:94b36168-512b-4083-8fc5-e979d7d36173">Mostly a vent but advice is always welcome!</a>:
[QUOTE]So here's my deal... My mom and I have always been close. We have our occasional disagreements but who doesn't? Anyway...when FI and I announced our engagement and the wedding date for a full 2 years in the future, <strong>I expected</strong> my mom of all people to get excited for us. But I got no reaction other than "Oh! Well...congrats<strong>"</strong> I know that I can't force excitement on a person but I'm talking about a pretty emotional woman here!<strong> I was expecting</strong> SOMETHING more than that! So when I started the planning process recently my mom and I had an <strong>unspoken understanding</strong> that she would be very involved in the process. I thought that for sure she would become more excited as time passed and the realization that her only daughter was getting married in the near future. But still nothing. What's worse is that when I come to her with ideas she seems less than interested. I would take that to mean that she doesn't want part in the planning but when she finds a wedding article or has an idea she's all about the wedding! Can you say "<strong>mixed signals</strong>"? The other part of this is really tearing me up. FI and I are by no means wealthy, neither are my parents, and his parents certianly have no expendable income. When the topic of budget came up between my parents and I, i knew the number they would give me would be miniscule but I appreciated what they could contribute. The other day my mom brings up a conversation she had with a friend where she complained "I just wish she would move the wedding back another 2 years so we(my dad and mom) could afford to go on our 25th wedding anniversary trip! This winter is my anniversary not just her wedding!" After some thought I am VERY hurt by this statement. I understand that 25 years is a big deal but I cant help but feel like she is saying that<strong> my wedding doesn't matter as much as her anniversary trip</strong>. <strong>Without their budget contribution this wedding will not happen </strong>but at the same time I feel like I am being selfish by taking the money they agreed to help us with. All day today I've been considering the idea of just scrapping the wedding and eloping in order to make everyone(except me) happy. I have no idea what to do. Ugggghhh!   If you're still with me, thank you for reading my rant!
Posted by JMot7[/QUOTE]

I'm a 3 time MOB who was a wedding nut with my girls.   I was excited and very involved.  We still have one more to go.  Here are some of my thoughts on this:

1. She wasn't as excited as you hoped.  You also say you are close and you are her only daughter.  THIS could a huge factor here.  her only daughter is getting married and she just might be having a hard time.  You mention your <strong>expectations</strong> here quite a bit.  Maybe you need to back off on that.  This may also explain some of the mixed signals.

2. As far as your wedding doesn't matter as much as their anniversary.  I have a problem with that statement.  I know a LOT of people who start planning 2 or 3 years out how to mark such a milestone as a 25th anniversary.  BIL and SIL are coming up on theirs and they have been batting plans around for a couple of years.

Statistically, only half of the women who post on these boards have a shot at reaching 25 years.  On the second weddings board, only 30% will stay married.  You are GREATLY underestimating what a milestone this is.  I won't call it more important than your wedding, but your wedding isn't more important than that kind of milestone.  You have no clue yet what it takes to get to where your parents are. That isn't to down play the importance of your wedding....it is to help you see that you are not seeing the importance of the anniversary.

3.  You say without their budget contribution, this wedding won't happen.  Readjust your wedding plans and make sure your parents have a wonderful trip.  It isn't their responsibility to help pay for your wedding.  Sounds like they might want to, but I can tell you that with any of our girls, if they thought their wedding would put a show-stopper on a 25th wedding anniversary, they would plan what they could afford, and they would make sure we would be able to celebrate our anniversary.

4.  Please tell me more about this unspoken understanding with your mother about becoming very involved.  Your version of very involved and her version of being involved (especially if she may be having an issue of losing her daughter) are 2 different things.  Get rid of this unspoken understanding and sit down and talk.  Not when either of you is angry/defensive/hurt, etc.  Do it when you are both calm and in good moods.

trix1223

I you, kmm. 

OP, listen to kmm.  Because she is so smart.

acwm

Ditto kmmssg. She is spot-on on all counts.

MairePoppy

ditto kmmssg.
I especially like #4. Please read it again.
Good luck.

ADTonk

I expected my mom of all people to get excited for us. But I got no reaction other than "Oh! Well...congrats"
There must be some reason that she isn't too excited.  How does she feel about your FI?  How long have the two of you been together?  Maybe she feels like you rushed into it or got engaged for all of the wrong reasons?  Moms usually know best, contrary to popular belief. 

my mom and I had an unspoken understanding that she would be very involved in the process
A.k.a. you assumed your mom would be involved.  She's not to be required nor expected to help you plan your wedding.  That's a volunary contribution on her part if she wants to.

When the topic of budget came up between my parents and I, i knew the number they would give me would be miniscule but I appreciated what they could contribute.
You're extremely lucky that they are even contributing anything.  Don't expect someone else to pay for your wedding.  You shouldn't be planning for a wedding that you can't afford.  Any financial contribution that you receive is a gift. Don't ask for money!

I understand that 25 years is a big deal but I cant help but feel like she is saying that my wedding doesn't matter as much as her anniversary trip.
25 years is a HUGE deal.  Like PP said, most couples will not make it that long.  25 years is definitely something to be celebrated.  YOUR wedding is more important to YOU than her trip, but HER trip is more important to HER than your wedding.. as it should be.

All day today I've been considering the idea of just scrapping the wedding and eloping in order to make everyone(except me) happy.
That's just downright immature.  You might as well just start kicking your feet and crying because you're overreacting and throwing a temper tantrum.

My $0.2.. Your parents now have two big financial obligations around the same time.  Your mom is being very generous in considering cancelling or changing her trip that she had planned just for your wedding.  If you want to have the wedding on YOUR timeline, then YOU need to pay for it yourself.  If you want to rely on HER financial contributions, then you need to have it on HER timeline.  Those who pay make the decisions. 

wareagle5678

When you "expect" things, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

theluckiest555

I understand how you would be disappointed. My mom wasn't exactly excited when I got engaged, but she had a good reason to. Basically our relation just had moved really fast, and FI was my first BF ever and I met him on the internet, and both she and my dad were just concerned for us. I get that now, and looking back I know that we should have handled it differently. But thats in the past now, and they are excited for the wedding and are being supportive, but they still have their worries from time to time. As is expected. I am not their only daughter, but I am the oldest and I have been through alot in my life medically (cancer, depression) so I get that they are protective of me because they almost lost me once. Sounds like maybe your mom is being like mine was. I can't tell you why she isn't acting as excited as you wish she would be because I don't know anything about your relationship, but I have a few suspicions. Does she like your FI? Does she feel like you are too young to be marrieed? Did you have a whirwind romance like I did and perhaps she is concerned that you are moving too fast? Is she worried that you arn't financially ready to get married? It could be so many things... I think the only way to find out is to just talk to her and ask her what her thoughts are on your engagement.

As for the financial situation goes, I can understand why it would be disappointing that they arn't contributing financially as much as you would like. I was very lucky as my parents offered to foot the entire bill of the wedding including the honeymoon. I know I am spoiled because I know that is rare for that to happen. But you have to remember that they have no obligation to pay for anything in the wedding. Lots of couples pay for their wedding all by themselves. I know it can be disapointing that your wedding may have to be simpler than you would like, but thats just how is is sometimes. When all is said and done, weddings are not about how fancy it is, it is about the love between you and your FI.

One more point and then I'm done. I think I have to agree with PPs about your parents anniversary. 25 is a big deal, so I could understand why they would be upset if they have to change their plans because of your wedding. My wedding is around my parents 32nd anniversary, and I do feel bad about that, but they don't seem to mind. I would've just changed the date if it was a big deal. When is your parents trip? Maybe you could ask your mom about her plans and maybe just move the date back to after she gets back?

Good luck!!

TiffannieF

Sometimes we can't help our feelings but you still have to let rationality rule you. So maybe you are upset but TALK to your mom about this. Sometimes you can feel one way but you make judgement calls, actions, etc so that there are no further consequences.

zitiqueen

There is way too much 'unspoken' here and not enough, you know, talking and communicating.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mostly-vent-but-advice-always-welcome?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:91c267d8-452a-4c10-94f5-5ba152e75121Post:8587cbfe-8646-4eee-90fe-b5854937e4a7">Re: Mostly a vent but advice is always welcome!</a>:
[QUOTE]ditto kmmssg. I especially like #4. Please read it again. Good luck.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Once again...agree with these ladies.  Y'all are so smart!

JMot7

Wow I was not expecting to have so many people reply to this.

Let me start by saying thank you for the helpful advice. It is so hard to sum up a decades long relationship between two people in a limited avenue such as this.
When I wrote "unspoken understanding that she would be very involved in the process", I mean't that I never asked her to help in so many words because she initiated the talks of venue, dress, money, etc. Her and my dad were the ones who offered the money as their contribution because FI and I were considering applying for a loan. And I am thankful for every penny. Trust me when I say that our entire budget for this wedding is so small I'm embarrassed to even post here what it is. So I in NO WAY am aiming for extravagence.
The other thing I wanted to address was their anniversary. I of all people understand how important a 25 year milestone is! It was my mistake of not putting in my original post how proud I am of the two of them for getting as far as they have through all the BS they have hurdled.
I have to say that my mom had never even mentioned the idea of them taking a trip for their anniversary until the other day when we had aforementioned conversation. If I had known they had intentions of taking an anniversary trip this would not have been an issue.
As far as my FI and her relationship is concerned, they are close too. The two of them have gotten along really well... Not that I'm expecting them to get their nails done together anytime soon. He and I have been together 4 years now and we are getting married on our 5th anniversary.(Thats less than 1 year away, RetreadBride) He and I are both fairly young though so I can see reason there why she may not be over-the-top thrilled. I think I had high expectations for her being more excited because I,myself, had a preconcieved notion of the reation I wanted. Not realistic, I understand, but for crying out loud...she cried when I found my prom dress!
And ADTonk, I was kind of having a tantrum at the time I wrote this. Isn't that what venting(or in my case ranting) is for? Thats why I did it here where it is a relatively safe environment and there are PLEANTY of other people doing the same thing about flowers, or venue, or their dress, or whatever they feel strongly about.

I did however talk to my mom after reading all of your posts and I think we have a better understanding of each other and the wedding expectations. No more "unspoken understandings". She did say that her and my dad do have anniversary plans and they wouldn't have given us money for the wedding if they couldn't afford to do so and give themselves what they wanted.
Thank you again.