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Wedding planning is making relationship with MOH awkward

During the wedding planning process, I have asked very little of my MOH. She attended one bridal show with me, tried on some BM dresses, and a few other planning tasks. Initially when I became engaged, she offered a lot of help, but we have three mutual friends who have gotten married in the last six months, and she has also been a bridesmaid for those weddings as well. I have tried to be sensitive to her situation, as I know she has had to spend a lot of money to travel to and be in these weddings. 

She is my only BM in state, so she doesn't need to travel far for the wedding, I offered to share my suite with me on the night before the wedding, and I paid for all of the BMs dresses and accessories, so her costs for the wedding have been kept to a minimum. Recently, she threw my bridal shower and was really uncommunicative with me in making the plans-all I knew was the time and location (I didn't even get a copy of the invite or the save-the-date email she sent to everyone). I bought her a gift card and flowers to show my appreciation, and followed up with an email to thank her for the lovely time. I received no response for about a week-which indicated to me that something was not okay. She sends me an email indicating that the shower cost was more than she anticipated and she subtly indicated that she needed money because her mother helped her with the cost. My mother paid for the invitations and the postage and I offered her money at the shower (discreetly), and she refused to take it. I am happy to reimburse her for whatever amount she needs, but I don't feel like I am completely at fault here. I would have been more than willing to discuss the planning with her so we could arrive on something in her budget, or so my mother could have helped out. 

My bachelorette party is coming up, and I am afraid it is going to be more of the same. Does anyone else feel their relationship with their MOH has become strained during the wedding planning process? Is the problem mostly monetary or do you think there are other underlining issues? I don't know how to handle this situation delicately. Any advice?

Re: Wedding planning is making relationship with MOH awkward

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    lizstill13lizstill13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like she's on complete wedding burnout; 4 weddings in 6 months? Sheesh.

    Give a break and tell her don't need a b-party or suggest something really small if she insists, like a girls night in with movies and popcorn and silly games. She also shouldn't have to pay for everything herself, suggest she talks to the other BMs to see if they can contribute at all.

    Above all else don't forget that she's still your friend and you need to do non-wedding related things with her, like dinner or a movie or shopping where you absolutely do not discuss any wedding plans. She'll probably appreciate the break from all the festivities. And if something else is up, this would be a good time to talk to her, just the 2 of you doing regular things.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-planning-making-relationship-moh-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:936a5b58-ff8d-4614-9782-f6c519d829daPost:241e7f94-366d-460c-a24e-0404f60841c2">Re: Wedding planning is making relationship with MOH awkward</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like she's on complete wedding burnout; 4 weddings in 6 months? Sheesh. [/QUOTE]
    I agree. But question - is it customary for the MOH to pay for the shower? In my family, it always seems like the mothers host the showers. But maybe that's just in my family? I've been a bridesmaid before and never had to shell out money for the shower.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For the many showers I've been to I think it depends, but usually its more of a combine front with all the BMs and MOH. But generally speaking I think its more of a split between family (aunts, cousins) and BMs/MOH which the ratio is varies in different regions. I've only been to only a few that just the MOH hosted and I've never been in a wedding where I didn't give or contribute money/food/decor. 

    OPing, your friend like liz stated, is wedding burnout. She is at fault for going overboard with the shower, she should have planned one within her means (a simple cake/punch with limited guest should have been enough). You also don't get to put a lot of input into your shower, besides telling her to make it casual so she knows she doesn't have to go overboard you need to trust your friend throwing a party. 

    I agree with liz, you need to tell your MOH that she doesn't need to throw a Bach party and if she really wants to tell her just a girls night in with movies, games, and snacks should be enough. Even if you wanted to do one small thing like a Comedy Club, or a nice dinner then go back to someone's house.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-planning-making-relationship-moh-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:936a5b58-ff8d-4614-9782-f6c519d829daPost:0ba08c2c-4adc-4ae3-8b05-48d80454cce7">Re: Wedding planning is making relationship with MOH awkward</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding planning is making relationship with MOH awkward : I agree. But question - is it customary for the MOH to pay for the shower? In my family, it always seems like the mothers host the showers. But maybe that's just in my family? I've been a bridesmaid before and never had to shell out money for the shower.
    Posted by mmenillo[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think it's either your bridesmaids or your mother.  I've heard of it both ways.</div>
    BabyFruit Ticker If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. Even if we're apart i'll always be with you. - A.A. Milne
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    KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Showers can be thrown by ANYONE.  It doesn't matter if they are family or in the BP.

    And yeah, that poor girl does have wedding burnout.  How could she not?  But it's not your fault at all that she spent too much money. 

    That's really nice of you to do as much as you are to help.  My MOH is the mother of my JR BM's (twins) and her husband is a GM.  So that's a lot of attire.  My mom decided to pay for their dresses.  She is staying with me the night before the wedding.  So that left plane tickets and a room for her hubby and kids for 2 nights.  If not, there's no WAY she would have been able to swing it.  (She lives over 1000 miles away.)

    Let your MOH know that she doesn't HAVE to do the B-party.  It's not her job and if she feels that way, give her... a vacation of sorts.

    Good luck!



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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your MOH should not be complaining to you about the cost of the shower that SHE planned, particularly after you paid for her dress.  I think you should ignore the implied request for money, and instead respond that you would be happy to make the bach party really low key.
    Married 10/2/10
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    edited December 2011
    It's not your fault she went over budget. That is entirely her fault. She could have asked your family for help, friends, whoever might have been interested. Instead she suffered alone and is now trying to make you feel bad about it. I wouldn't give her any money, you already bought her dress and accessories.

    But like others said, tell her not to worry about the bach party. They're pointless anyway. maybe just have her over for dinner and a movie instead, just hanging out as friends rather than being all caught up in the wedding aspect.

    This is why I told my MOH not to do anything, bridal shower, bach party, nothing. I paid for her dress and alterations because she basically has no money. I can't imagine having someone throw me a party knwoing what it would cost. I'd feel too guilty.
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    zamaccon87zamaccon87 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    my MOH situation is practically a disaster ...I understand what you're going thru! I think it depends on where the MOH is mentally on marriage, your marriage and what's going on in her heart.
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