what would you do?/Vent

loveypants

(I have to post and run to meet with Becky but I really wanted y'alls opinions)
and very long. sorry

My dad is 100% out of my life.  By his own choice.  It makes me mad, sad, hurt, blah blah.  I told FI that it was his decision to make if he did a mother/son dance, but that I would not be doing a dance.  Not even a "substitute" with my mom or one of my brothers.  My mom is walking me down the aisle. 

Now, I don't know if y'all remember but FI mom is kinda really selfish and very much too into her son.  In a creepy way.  And she has put up lots of fights about wanting her special time on the wedding day. 

FI asked me how I felt about them having a dance and I said that I thought it was really going to point out the fact that my dad isn't there to dance with me to everyone and I will be sad, but then went on to say that I think that I need to try to get over it though because I know it will start a fight with his mom and I don't want to put him in that situation.

FI goes to talk to his mom.  Explains to her how I feel about it and our concern that it will be upsetting to me, and asks her how important it is to her to get the traditional mother/son dance.  And she said she would be very upset because it's very important to her.  And then said that my mom was walking me down the aisle not my dad so why is this a problem?  FI says Jamie doesn't want to dance with her mom, she thinks that is weird.  And him mom says to him, "Well I guess you are going to have to pick which one of us you hurt.  Her or me"

I feel like that is so crappy of her to do to him.  Put him in that position.  I am trying very hard to just get over how I think I am going to feel because I don't want him to have to choose.  But she does want him to choose and it makes me so angry.

What do y'all think? Part of me understands she wants to do the dance and it is not her fault that my dad sucks.  But the other part of me thinks maybe this woman could have a little compassion for the bride on her wedding day.  Also, what would you do?  Thanks!

nae82

I would feel the exact same way. I see why she would want to have the dance, but at the same time, why does she NEED a spotlight dance. She can dance with him any time through out the night.

I had a similar situation in that my dad is barely in my life. He did make a decision to be present at my wedding, and walk me down the aisle, but I would feel weird having some special dance with him as I know he doesn't approve of the marriage for selfish reasons. Luckily, my MIL understood and also had a bad foot so she wouldn't be able to dance anyway. However, I did give her the option if it were important to her.

There has to be a comprimise somewhere and I'm sorry that I don't have a solution.
If it were me, I hate confrontation and would probably let them have their dance. I would spend that time mingling with the guests. Afterall, those dances are boring for the guests anyways.

untsing

While I don't approve her behavior OR the ultimatum she's giving your FI...I think that it would be best if they had their mother/son dance.   I mean, it sucks that she's being such a bootch about it, but if there's one thing I learned about my wedding it's that the parents are just as important a part of it.  In retrospect I wish I'd been a little more in tune with how important the day was to them, as well.  Not that you AREN'T, but hopefully you know what I'm trying to say. 

mandasue178

Could they have their special song played and just not have it announced? They can still dance together, and the photog could still get pictures, but having less attention drawn to it might help. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but if they do have it, spend those few minutes to mingle! IF you have two photogs at the wedding, then get some special pics with your BM's or with some friends who aren't in the wedding party. 

shortgirltx

I'm not trying to start stuff, I promise but if you were close with your FMIL, would you feel this way? 

My dislike of my FMIL leads me to have opinions/feelings that would be different if we were close and she was actually nice to me.  For instance, if FI didn't want the Mother-son dance but FMIL did and she was nice to me and treated me like a human, then I imagine I would pester him for a few minutes about it but now if he didn't want to do it, then I would say "OK" and move on. 

I get how you feel but I would give them the dance IF that is what FI wanted.  Plus there's going to be plenty of other songs to dance to so if they don't get the spotlight dance, they could easily dance to another song AND it shouldn't be any less special.  If it's less special to her, then it seems to me that she's just wanting attention.

And with her giving him the ultimatum he should make positive she understands that he chooses you. 

almoyo

It's just one of those things where you're going to have to compromise. It's not his mom's fault that your dad isn't in the picture. Not all things have to be balanced at the wedding. If you don't have a parent dance and he does; oh well. These are modern times and families don't all consist of one mom and one dad.

cherrrylll

I personally wouldn't deny my husband that moment if he and his mom wanted it. I'm having trouble putting this into words that don't sound harsh online because that's not how I want to come off. I just think you shouldn't let your father's absence affect the experience of your wedding day, let alone anyone else's experience.

stephl3055

I agree with Mandasue, if you have 2 photographers, it would be a great time to get some pictures of you around the venue.  If not, then you can get some food and start eating.   

Also, just consider this.  If you don't let her have this dance, will you hear about it all the time?  I'm not sure how your FMIL is, but I know that some women will bring it up all the time and she might resent you for it.  You're not necessarily giving in and your FI is certainly not choosing her over you, but you have to look at it in the long-term and see if it's really worth fighting over. 

Jessicaanne_1

Honestly I would let her have the dance. As much as it isn't your fault that your dad isn't around. It also isn't hers. I don't think its fair to take that moment away from either one of them. I really don't think its going to draw attention to the fact that your dad isn't there. If they are going to notice that they will notice while he not walking you down the isle. 

amybrent

I think your FMIL is being a bit dramatic, especially since she's telling your FI that he has to choose who to hurt. While I understand that the mother/son dance is important to her, the way she's handling it is crappy, IMO. I would talk to FI and see what HE truly wants to do, regardless of who he would hurt.

loveypants

Thank you all for your replies.  I 100% agree that it isn't her fault that my dad is not in my life.  And for that reason I want to get over my feeling it would upset me.  I don't want to take something away from them because of how it might make me feel.

I guess it just really upset me that I was trying so hard to be a bigger person about the situation and first thing his mom does was make it a situation where FI has to choose between us.  I fear our whole relationship will continue this way.

I did tell FI last night that I did not want him in the horrible position of choosing between upsetting his wife or his mother and that I was taking the decision out of his hands.  I told him that he was doing a dance and that I would be fine.  Now I have 2 weeks to get fine! haha

lindsey0386

I think she's being completely sh!tty about it. If she wants to have a dance, then she sould say so and talk to you about it, but NOT be rude and give ultimatums! However, you can't help how she acts or her attitude. I agree with the ones who said to ask your FI, but know that if he doesn't particularly want to and y'all don't have the dance that she will here-on-out blame you for it. And if she's acting this petty now, you can almost guarantee she'll bring it up in the future. IMO

If you do end up having it, then I agree with everyone else and use that time to take pics (if you have a 2nd photog) or mingle...AND don't forget to have another drink!

I'm sorry you're in that crappy situation. I hope everyone on here could help!

Tiffany618

I think you made a smart decision.   I bet things will be giong so quickly that night that you will barely notice.  Plus, just know that while she has him for 3 minutes, you get him for the rest of your life.

Also, it is good to choose you battles.  Let this go and you'll have ammo to get your way on something else later down the line.

Hope that helps some!

tiffnrich2010

I agree with Tiffany. You choose your battles. I too would be upset if FMIL gave FI ultimatum on who to hurt. That was WRONG on her part. Plus, I don't see why she can't HAVE her special dance with him.. but why does it have to be announced. She wants the spotlight on her?

Good luck, and agree with PP- Mingle, take pics, and drink up!


In the end.. you'll be MARRIED!!

juliebug1997

I agree wtih shortgirl.  I gave in on a few things because I knew I would hear about it for the rest of my life with Bill.  I know how you feel though about the ultimatums.  It's pretty crappy. And I agree with Mandy--it's kind of the parents' moment too.  One child (from each side) is saying goodbye and moving on.  I'll be praying for you though that she accepts that things are changing in her relationship with her son and that you will be his biggest priority after marriage.

loveypants

Thanks guys.  It really helps just to hear you guys say that it was wrong of her to give an ultimatum.  I have a feeling that I will being giving in for the sake of FI's sanity for years... Good thing he is worth it right?!