Asking too much of MOH?

EeyoreFan88

My MOH made it to my 1st round of dress shopping. I know I want to look at 3 other places. I'd like to have my dress picked out by the end of December so I know where my budget falls & what kind of alterations I need. I've been trying to get in touch with her to schedule these 3 other places & have had no luck.

One of my other bridesmaids & mother are willing to go with me, but I would like my MOH to be there & feel she should be there. I choose her to by MOH cause I share EVERYTHING with her & she has a very good sense of what I like & she'll be straight up honest what she thinks of a dress. Plus, she saw the 3 others that I really liked, where my mom & other bridesmaid have not. So my MOH would be able to comapre.

Am I expecting too much from her to make it to all my dress browsing/shopping?

I'm afraid if she can't help out with this, she's going to be the same way with other things. I don't want to start a fight with her. She's my best friend & I don't want to loose that.

vixey

The only requirement of BMs and MOHs is to get their dress and show up at the appropriate time.  If she can't make it, she can't make it, don't hold it against her.  You'll know when you found the right dress, your mom and other BM will be plenty of people to help you dress shop.

 It sounds harsh, but nobody else cares about your wedding as much as you do.  So if she's not into helping you plan it, who can blame her?  Don't ruin a friendship, or demote her from MOH, over something silly like wedding planning.  Maybe ask if she can help with some things, and if she can, great.  But if she can't help you, then just do it yourself.

SaraAndrew2010

Yes, you are expecting too much of your MOH.  All she really has to do is buy a dress and show up for the wedding.  It's unreasonable to expect her to be able to make every single dress shopping appointment as well as the "other things" you seem to be expecting her to do.  It's nice if she wants to and is able to attend dress shopping with you, but that's not her job.

sprtychick10

Is she just not returning your calls or is there something else going on when you say you can't get up with her?

My MOH lives in a different state and it would be ridiculous of me to expect her to come up every time I go looking at dresses. Take pictures, email them to her if you desperately need her approval but at the end of the day, she doesn't HAVE to go with you.

EeyoreFan88

I value her opinion of my dress, which is why I'd like her to go. But ok, so that may not be her job. So what kind of jobs/duties does she have? There's a MOH duties page on here, but you're basically saying she just has to pay for a dress & show up. No helping the other bridesmaids get their dresses, holding the ring, things like that. I'd just like to know if I should have a talk with her & suggest to her what I'd like her to help with, or if I should ditch even having a MOH.

sprtychick10

Sit down with her and discuss what you need her to do. Obviously she is going to hold the ring and your flowers during the ceremony, you don't need to ditch the idea of a MOH all together.  But if her job or other things get in the way of other planning things then you just need to understand where she is coming from. 

EeyoreFan88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:2365b8d6-131b-44f1-a201-1e8ce91b3250">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is she just not returning your calls or is there something else going on when you say you can't get up with her? My MOH lives in a different state and it would be ridiculous of me to expect her to come up every time I go looking at dresses. Take pictures, email them to her if you desperately need her approval but at the end of the day, she doesn't HAVE to go with you.
Posted by sprtychick10[/QUOTE]

She's not returning calls/texts or FB msgs. She lives like 15mins away, so it's not that she's far away. I work a lot, so I totally understand she has work and other things like that. But I've sent messages about trying to set up appointments for a Thurs night, come to find out through a friend she went clubbing that night.

But I guess I'm expecting too much of her. Just want her to go, cause my mother seems to have a whole different style dress in mind.

Maybe I'll just go by myself, no dealing with being pulled in many different directions. haha

sprtychick10

Can you ask your other BM who offered to go? I wouldn't go by yourself. That is an experience you need to share with those close to you

mia082683

I sat down with my MOH and told her the things that I really expected from her.  I made it quite clear to her that there were things I really needed her to be with me on.. like the dress.  I worked around her schedule and went when it was convenient for her, but the only two people who are seeing my dress before the wedding are my mother and my MOH so it was really important to me that she be there.

 If I were you, I would sit her down and tell her exactly what I really expected from her as MOH and explain that you're both busy and that you understand if she can't be there for other aspects but that the dress is really important to you and ask for her cooperation. If she can't do it, she can't do it... but if you don't communicate to her what you expect and how important it is to you, she doesn't know. 

mia082683

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:297303fb-3ccb-4583-a3d9-c59ebf300a34">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you ask your other BM who offered to go? I wouldn't go by yourself. That is an experience you need to share with those close to you
Posted by sprtychick10[/QUOTE]

Agreed.  Going by yourself is definitely not a good idea.

EeyoreFan88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:297303fb-3ccb-4583-a3d9-c59ebf300a34">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you ask your other BM who offered to go? I wouldn't go by yourself. That is an experience you need to share with those close to you
Posted by sprtychick10[/QUOTE]

"an experience you need to share with those close to you"...my MOH falls into that. Oh well. My other BM is very willing to go, and my 3rd BM would go, if she wasn't in Med school.

Thanks everyone, guess I just had a bit of Bridezilla streak in me. I'll take who can go with me to dress browsing & make sure to take lots of pics to send to my MOH.

trix1223

Yes, you are asking too much.  The ONLY thing a MOH has to do are get her attire, walk down the aisle, hold your flowers during the ceremony, and smile for photos.

She does NOT have to go dress shopping with you.  She does NOT have to help you visit vendors.  She does NOT have to go to tastings with you.  She does NOT have to help make invitations or stuff envelopes.  She does NOT have to make favors.  She does NOT have to help you pick our flowers.  She does NOT have to plan, throw, fund, or even attend prewedding parties, including engagement parties, showers, or b-parties.  She does NOT have to help your decorate your venue.  She does NOT have to help you research djs or photographers.  She does NOT have to help you plan your honeymoon.

Who does have to help you do those things?  Your FI, because it's his wedding too.

Is it nice if your MOH or BMs OFFER to help you with the things listed above?  You betcha.  Is any of it required,  Not. at. all.

You're asking too much.  It's your wedding, not hers.

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:9fb3b3db-9e69-423e-8131-d35bf48a67af">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ignore the lists of duties that you see on websites and in bridal magazines. Those are compiled by the wedding industry with profits in mind. Think about what giving your MOH "duties" means...... you are making your friends and family members your unpaid staff when you do that. You choose your wedding party as a way to honor special friends, not because of what you think they should do for you.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This.

I remember reading the list of MOH duties that The Knot had a while ago because I honestly had no idea what a MOH should/could be doing. Needless to say, I disagreed with 98% of it and would never make my older sister (who will be my MOH) do any of the crap on it.

The 'lists' that exist are made solely for the purpose of wedding vendors making money off of stuff they try to convince you to have and be a great subject for Bridezillas.

Your MOH does NOT need to participate in your dress shopping. It's not her wedding, she's simply not going to be as stoked for it as you are.

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:29df88be-0256-47b9-83c2-a5d430957df0">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking too much of MOH? : "an experience you need to share with those close to you"...my MOH falls into that. Oh well. My other BM is very willing to go, and <strong>my 3rd BM</strong> would go, if she wasn't in Med school. Thanks everyone, guess I just had a bit of Bridezilla streak in me. I'll take who can go with me to dress browsing & make sure to take lots of pics to send to my MOH.
Posted by EeyoreFan88[/QUOTE]

<div>I wasn't aware that BMs were ranked.</div>

vixey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:a980e4ed-bf2f-4a4a-b741-a827cfb7630d">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking too much of MOH? : I wasn't aware that BMs were ranked.
Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]
I don't think she was ranking them, just differentiating between them for clarity.  I find that easier to follow than when people post about BM "S" and BM "T"

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:8cf52944-84b1-44c3-a712-751966c1d0a4">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, you are asking too much.  The ONLY thing a MOH has to do are get her attire, walk down the aisle, hold your flowers during the ceremony, and smile for photos. She does NOT have to go dress shopping with you.  She does NOT have to help you visit vendors.  She does NOT have to go to tastings with you.  She does NOT have to help make invitations or stuff envelopes.  She does NOT have to make favors.  She does NOT have to help you pick our flowers.  She does NOT have to plan, throw, fund, or even attend prewedding parties, including engagement parties, showers, or b-parties.  She does NOT have to help your decorate your venue.  She does NOT have to help you research djs or photographers.  She does NOT have to help you plan your honeymoon. Who does have to help you do those things?  Your FI, because it's his wedding too. Is it nice if your MOH or BMs OFFER to help you with the things listed above?  You betcha.  Is any of it required,  Not. at. all. You're asking too much.  It's your wedding, not hers.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This!  And if she WANTS to do any of those other things?  Score! 

My daughter's MOH went to one place dress shopping and planned the shower(which was held at my house and I did the food because all three of her party are young and broke!). 

Let's see...her Fiance and I went along to the venue, caterer and florist, and they went to the photographer.  Her bridesmaids went to try on bridesmaids dresses only, but it was planned for a reunion weekend to make sure everyone would not have to make a separate trip.  DD and I did all the invitations.

One bridesmaid was not at the bachelorette party or the bridal shower...she lives too far away.

Obviously...we did not "go by the list."  Trust me...no one does!

aerinpegadrak

Do you want your friend to be doing things for you because she loves you and wants you to be happy and have a beautiful wedding, or because she's crossing chores off a list, somewhere between cleaning the litter box and paying the bills?

Drop the list.  Forget her title.  Remember that she's your friend first and foremost and treat her as such.  Not everything is about your wedding.

nannewmur

Yes, you are expecting too much.  Everyone's time is valuable and she graciously went to three stores.  Please text her you would like to talk and when is a good time for her.  Maybe there is something going on in her life that she is not ready to share, maybe she is concerned about the cost of everything.  There may be a lot of reasons why she is not responding.

Please do not refer about the MOH "job."  You get paid for a job and the MOH position is a volunteer position.  Duties also imply it is a job.   She may feel you have put unrealistic expectations on this position.  I would not be happy as the MOH if  bride mentioned what job/duties are a part of this position.  I would be very careful or you may loose your good friend over this and good friends are hard to come by.

Beachy730

Ignore about the first half of the responses you got.  Yes you are asking too much.  Its one thing if they want to come, but to try and demand she come to all 3 of your other stores is crazy.  My MOH came with my mom and I only because she is my aunt and lived next door and was always looking for an excuse to get out of the house and away from her kids.  I loved having her there and was so glad she came, but I would never have told her I expected her to be there or harrassed her into making appointments with me.

And please, please, please do not sit her down to discuss a list of expectations you have for her.  Ignore any list of MOH or BM duties you ever read.  If she chooses to do anything above and beyong buying the dress and showing up, it should be out of the goodness of her heart, and because she wants to.  As aerin said, not so she could check them off of her to-do list.

mia082683

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:50c4b1b8-2d25-443a-9ee5-227c2c2b0724">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]I sat down with my MOH and told her the things that I really expected from her. Wow. I can't believe another adult took that from anyone.....especially a friend.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I think you're taking it differently than I meant it.  I asked her to be my MOH and she accepted.  Months later, she asked me what it means to be a MOH and what was expected of her.  I sat down with her and I told her that she needed to pick a dress in one of two colors and wear it to the wedding. I asked that she help my mother organize a shower although I know she can't afford to contribute much money and that it is understood. Lastly, I explained to her that the most important thing to me was that she be there with me for my dress shopping.  As my best friend (and not as my MOH), her opinion was the most important to me and that was what I really wanted.

I didn't demand that she be there nor would I have been a bridezilla if she told me that she could not do it, but I did want her to know that of all the things that she was hearing from everyone about her "duties as a MOH," that was all I really wanted. 

sheenammeder

Hmmm...I dont think your asking too much.

I didnt ask my MOH to come cake tasting, invitation ordering, looking at flowers or anything else, BUT the dress is the one area I wanted my MOH at. (i went to 2 stores and she came to both)

I think as long as you dont expect her to make EVERY other kind of appointment, asking her to go dress shopping 3 times is fine by my book. Try your best of course to pick a time that works for her schedule. THE DRESS is like that most important of things and she should be there, ecpecially if you really need her support and opinion.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:cc588247-a174-42f6-9076-d75c127905e9">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmmm...I dont think your asking too much. I didnt ask my MOH to come cake tasting, invitation ordering, looking at flowers or anything else, BUT the dress is the one area I wanted my MOH at. (i went to 2 stores and she came to both) I think as long as you dont expect her to make EVERY other kind of appointment, asking her to go dress shopping 3 times is fine by my book. Try your best of course to pick a time that works for her schedule. <strong>THE DRESS is like that most important of things</strong> and she should be there, ecpecially if you really need her support and opinion.
Posted by sheenammeder[/QUOTE]
Gag.  Really?  You seriously think that?

Soon2BMrsClay

I think you're asking too much.  Your MOH's only real task is to stand beside you on your big day.  She is not your servant and does not need to be at every appointment.  It is nice of you to ask her to be at these things but you cannot be upset or angry if she cannot attend.

As other's have said, your wedding is the most important thing to YOU; your bridal party have lives outside of your wedding.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:3627fdbc-c427-49fd-989b-e66181f88899">Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH made it to my 1st round of dress shopping. I know I want to look at 3 other places. I'd like to have my dress picked out by the end of December so I know where my budget falls & what kind of alterations I need. I've been trying to get in touch with her to schedule these 3 other places & have had no luck. One of my other bridesmaids & mother are willing to go with me, but I would like my MOH to be there & feel she should be there. I choose her to by MOH cause I share EVERYTHING with her & she has a very good sense of what I like & she'll be straight up honest what she thinks of a dress. Plus, she saw the 3 others that I really liked, where my mom & other bridesmaid have not. So my MOH would be able to comapre. Am I expecting too much from her to make it to all my dress browsing/shopping? I'm afraid if she can't help out with this, she's going to be the same way with other things. I don't want to start a fight with her. She's my best friend & I don't want to loose that.
Posted by EeyoreFan88[/QUOTE]

So you're upset that MOH can't go to a second round of dress shopping (even though she went to the first one),   She may have other things to do.    Regardless of what she is doing with her time instead of dress shopping, if she can't make it this time, she can't make it.   It's not like she hasn't been involved at all.  And even if she wasn't involved with dress shopping, she's not required to do that, just to get a dress, show up, smile for pictures.  Ditto Retread...pitch TK's (and most other websites') list of duties...it's all about making money for vendors.

If it was anything else other than the wedding, would you make all of these dramatic conclusions about what she will and won't do later on down the line if she was busy and couldn't make it out with you for a get-together or whatnot?  Wedding planning is you and FI's priority, not hers.  If she, other BM, mom, or whoever else is willing to help, that's great.  But it shouldn't be expected. 

So in short, yes, you are asking for too much.  If she's willing to do things, that's great, but if she can't make it for whatever reason, it's no reason to hold it against her.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:2a44e48b-bbd5-4b28-9d27-fb3bd60a4cdb">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking too much of MOH? : I think you're taking it differently than I meant it.  I asked her to be my MOH and she accepted.  Months later, she asked me what it means to be a MOH and what was expected of her.  I sat down with her and I told her that she needed to pick a dress in one of two colors and wear it to the wedding. <strong>I asked that she help my mother organize a shower although I know she can't afford to contribute much money and that it is understood.</strong> Lastly, I explained to her that the most important thing to me was that she be there with me for my dress shopping.  As my best friend (and not as my MOH), her opinion was the most important to me and that was what I really wanted. I didn't demand that she be there nor would I have been a bridezilla if she told me that she could not do it, but I did want her to know that of all the things that she was hearing from everyone about her "duties as a MOH," that was all I really wanted. 
Posted by mia082683[/QUOTE]

I agree until the bolded section, then it kind of went downhill from there.  My sister is my MOH and lives in another region of the country.  Apparently she read one of those infamous "list of duties" and she called my mom freaking out and wondering if she would have to drop out since distance plus her job would make it almost impossible to do much in terms of pre-wedding parties or tasks. Distressed, I called her and told her that her "duties" (I hate that word) consist of just getting her BM dress, showing up to the wedding, posing for pictures.  That's it.   She calmed down a lot, and now she's really excited about the wedding.

You don't ask people to throw you pre-wedding parties.  If your mom, your MOH, or any of your other friends are willing to do that and plan to do so without prompting, that's great, but you don't ask for a party to be thrown in your honor.  It's really rude

As far as dress shopping, if you want her to come with you, that's great, but she shouldn't be guilted into doing it or figuring it's a "MOH duty."  It's just not. 

jemmini6

Ugh...I really hate when people think that their BP are supposed to be at their beck and call for everything wedding related.

My sister is my MOH and the only thing I've asked her to do is to come dress shopping with me, and keep an eye out for BM dresses she liked.  She is a single mom with a 2 year old, I don't expect her to be able to go with me every time.  Would I be disappointed?  Sure, she is my sister and I'd love to have her there, but I also completely understand that my nephew comes in leaps and bounds ahead of my wedding in importance.

Believe it or not, people have lives outside of your wedding.  I think your MOH has already done more than enough by making it to one dress shopping trip.  If she isn't able to make it to all 3, then so be it, sounds like you have other people willing and ready to help you.

dreamsinpink

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asking-much-of-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9988c9bb-3d6b-456a-aed5-71fd5a53ae9fPost:457a1803-c052-414a-bec2-7f76b50a48e0">Re: Asking too much of MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh...<strong>I really hate when people think that their BP are supposed to be at their beck and call for everything wedding related.</strong> My sister is my MOH and the only thing I've asked her to do is to come dress shopping with me, and keep an eye out for BM dresses she liked.  She is a single mom with a 2 year old, I don't expect her to be able to go with me every time.  Would I be disappointed?  Sure, she is my sister and I'd love to have her there, but I also completely understand that my nephew comes in leaps and bounds ahead of my wedding in importance. <strong>Believe it or not, people have lives outside of your wedding.</strong>  I think your MOH has already done more than enough by making it to one dress shopping trip.  If she isn't able to make it to all 3, then so be it, sounds like you have other people willing and ready to help you.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I really wish my sister and her MOH would read this!  They dont seem to understand that..

skylarjo04

I agree with everyone for the most part, but I kind of feel that their perceptions are slightly off. Just because she wants her MOH to go dress shopping with her, doesn't mean she is looking at her MOH like a servant or someone to tend to her every need.  I don't think you should expect her to go with you just because she is your MOH, but explain to her how important it is for her to be there for you just because she is your friend. I want my bridesmaids to help with stuff, they can choose to or not, and if they agree to do anything extra I wouldn't look at them as "staff."

CSTK1910

My mom is the only one who came to all of my dress appointments. It would have been fun to have my sisters/BM's there for all of them, but it just wasn't feasible. Honestly, 4 shopping trips is a little bit much for one person to sit through all of them. Sure you are having fun trying on dresses, but how exciting can it be to watch someone else try on very similar white dresses for hour after hour after hour? 

If her opinion is really important to you, just show her pictures (a good idea anyway, since how the dress looks in pictures is pretty important too) or take her back to show her just a couple dresses that you've narrowed it down to (if she wants to go). I would think it would be much less daunting and easier to fit in that way.