Who's In Charge??? Help!

hawkeyes00

Ok - so my parents are putting 7k towards the wedding. This won't even cover the catering/booze bill but nonetheless we're happy and very thankful for them helping.

Here's my question though: since FI and I are footing 3/4's of the bill do we get the most say in the guest list? My mom's guest list is bigger than FI and I's! Not to mention she keeps adding to it.

I'd be fine if they were adding to the guest list if they were paying totally for the wedding - because then it's sort of her reign, but it's frustrating when they refuse to help out anymore than what they are but want to have the most guests there.

They told us the 7k was all they could do - so we have thanked them profusely - unfortunately some bad timing with buying a 35k camper and truck one week after they told us they were too strapped to pay for the wedding in full.

i'm happy to be paying for the majority of ours - but since we are doing that i don't really feel the need to have my dad's 2nd cousin at our wedding etc.. is that bad?? am i being the rude one?

amclausen

Why not split the guest list in thirds?  Give your parents a set number (one third of the total number of guests you can afford), give his parents a number, then you and your FI get the final third.  This way, they have a number to work with and can edit their list accordingly.

MairePoppy

No, you're not being rude to set limits to the guest list. You'll have to sit down with mom and dad and let them know they'll have to make some cuts, because it's just not in the budget to invite so many people.

The part that is rude, is your mention of them purchasing a camper and truck. It's their money. They can spend it anyway they wish.  I'm just going to take it that you are frustrated, right now, and just anonymously blowing of some steam. When you have your talk with your parents don't bring this up with them.

M&R7111

In Response to Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!:
[QUOTEThe part that is rude, is your mention of them purchasing a camper and truck. It's their money. They can spend it anyway they wish.  I'm just going to take it that you are frustrated, right now, and just anonymously blowing of some steam. When you have your talk with your parents don't bring this up with them.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  You sound like a brat when you said that.

I agree with having a discussion with your parents about the guest list.  However, they are co-hosting the "party" and are allowed to invited whomever they want.  As long as they are footing part of the bill, you are going to be forced to compromise.

Muffin'sMom

"We appreciate your willingness to contribute to our wedding.  We have put together the budget, and we find that we can accomodate X number of guests.  To be fair to everyone, we are dividing the number into thirds.  Your number of guests is X.  Please get your list to me by X date.  Thanks!"

trix1223

Muffin's mom comes through again with the best way to word it!  And I have to agree with maire.  Please don't, in any conversation, mention their new camper and truck.  That doesn't have anything to do with your wedding, and just makes you come off badly.  I'm sure you weren't meaning to sound entitled, but it mostly does.

Just let them know how many guests they can invite.  And be aware that if they offer to pay for additional guests:  there are ancillary costs:  additional tables, linens, CPs, invitations, etc.  So stick your guns on your guest list, and hold the line.

GL

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:5572abb6-8a96-479b-80a3-5ea5df408f0d">Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok - so my parents are putting 7k towards the wedding. This won't even cover the catering/booze bill but nonetheless we're happy and very thankful for them helping. Here's my question though: since FI and I are footing 3/4's of the bill do we get the most say in the guest list? My mom's guest list is bigger than FI and I's! Not to mention she keeps adding to it. I'd be fine if they were adding to the guest list if they were paying totally for the wedding - because then it's sort of her reign, but it's frustrating when they refuse to help out anymore than what they are but want to have the most guests there. They told us the 7k was all they could do - so we have thanked them profusely - <strong>unfortunately some bad timing with buying a 35k camper and truck one week after they told us they were too strapped to pay for the wedding in full. </strong>i'm happy to be paying for the majority of ours - but since we are doing that i don't really feel the need to have my dad's 2nd cousin at our wedding etc.. is that bad?? am i being the rude one?
Posted by hawkeyes00[/QUOTE]

Make sure that their 7K goes directly towards their guests. 

Their money does not have to go towards the booze, the catering or anything else.  They need to pay for the head count of the guests attending the reception.  For example if it costs $100 a person and they have 100 people that's $10,000.00 so maybe they might want to scale back if they are over their budget. 

Also you mention that she's adding to the guest list, keep in mind that not every guest is going to RSVP yes.  A lot of them won't come if they aren't as close or they feel it's too far to travel, esp if they are old. 

Also the comment about the camper and the truck was unneccessary and rude.  Your parents put a certain dollar amount to go towards your wedding.  7K is a lot!  You chose to go over that budget and choose an expensive catering hall.  It is now your job to pay everything else. 

I take back what I said with his parents paying more money to cover their guests.  I think you should have chosen a cheaper catering place knowing that your parents only gave you $7,000.  Really that is your fault for choosing expensive.

Maybe your parents thought that 7K could pay for your entire wedding.  There are a lot of weddings under 10,000.  It could be doable but you happened to choose extravagant venues and caterers so it's your job to foot the bill.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:e92fa911-8b99-4e1e-8d78-1a90003da7cf">Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Who's In Charge??? Help! : Make sure that their 7K goes directly towards their guests.  Their money does not have to go towards the booze, the catering or anything else.  They need to pay for the head count of the guests attending the reception.  For example if it costs $100 a person and they have 100 people that's $10,000.00 so maybe they might want to scale back if they are over their budget.  Also you mention that she's adding to the guest list, keep in mind that not every guest is going to RSVP yes.  A lot of them won't come if they aren't as close or they feel it's too far to travel, esp if they are old.  Also the comment about the camper and the truck was unneccessary and rude.  Your parents put a certain dollar amount to go towards your wedding.  7K is a lot!  You chose to go over that budget and choose an expensive catering hall.  It is now your job to pay everything else.  I take back what I said with his parents paying more money to cover their guests.  I think you should have chosen a cheaper catering place knowing that your parents only gave you $7,000.  Really that is your fault for choosing expensive. <strong>Maybe your parents thought that 7K could pay for your entire wedding.  There are a lot of weddings under 10,000.  It could be doable but you happened to choose extravagant venues and caterers so it's your job to foot the bill.</strong>
Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]
Ditto this.  $7K ended up being approximately the final cost of our wedding, not counting rings and honeymoon.  My parents offered as much as they could afford, and we made up the rest on our own.

suz62984

My FMIL had a harder time with this. She sent me a two page list of names she wanted invited. We had to politely say "Unfortunately, because of budgeting, we can only accommodate ___ of your guests. Please revise your list the best you can." She offered to pay for each guest that attend over our set number until she found out the per person price. She then cut her list...no problem.

Don't bring up the camper/money issue though. It sounds tacky and ungrateful on your part. Most brides don't even get $7,000 from their parents. Be grateful for what you are getting and just budget wisely.

hawkeyes00

thanks everybody for the tips!

I didn't mean to sound entitled when i wrote about their 35k purchase. I don't think i was conveying correctly what i was trying to say. When they originally told us how much they were giving us - they gave us a long speech that they were barely making ends meet and they were not able to help my brother with college and we felt so bad afterwards we told them we weren't going to take any of the money - because CLEARLY them being comfortable and paying their bills is of course a priority over our wedding!

The frustrating part was that i felt a little like they guilt tripped us about not being able to barely pay any bills - when one week after that discussion they paid cash for a 35K item that was simply an upgrade to something they already had. With this i am frustrated my mom keeps adding to the guest list but is inviting more than what they are even paying to feed. 

I hope that makes sense - for the record i'm not a "Brat" as some people said - i paid my own college, just bought my own house without mommy, daddy or anybody else footing any bills - so i am definitely NOT entitled. and i'm sorry for it coming out that way. 

hopefully this explains a little better... 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:4b4996c0-586f-4a9b-9617-38c15ffedd30">Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks everybody for the tips! I didn't mean to sound entitled when i wrote about their 35k purchase. I don't think i was conveying correctly what i was trying to say. When they originally told us how much they were giving us - they gave us a long speech that they were barely making ends meet and they were not able to help my brother with college and we felt so bad afterwards we told them we weren't going to take any of the money -<strong> because CLEARLY them being comfortable and paying their bills is of course a priority over our wedding!</strong> The frustrating part was that i felt a little like they guilt tripped us about not being able to barely pay any bills - when one week after that discussion they paid cash for a 35K item that was simply an upgrade to something they already had. With this i am frustrated my mom keeps adding to the guest list but is inviting more than what they are even paying to feed.  I hope that makes sense - for the record i'm not a "Brat" as some people said - i paid my own college, just bought my own house without mommy, daddy or anybody else footing any bills - so i am definitely NOT entitled. and i'm sorry for it coming out that way.  hopefully this explains a little better... 
Posted by hawkeyes00[/QUOTE]
I know you were being sarcastic with the bolded bit, but it's true, and it's not really a high crime.  Your wedding is yours.  Clearly they saw a camper as a better investment than a four-hour party for someone else, and who's to say they're wrong about that?  A lot of brides are opting to cut back on their own weddings in order to make more practical purchases, so it's not remotely surprising that someone would make the same choice in regards to someone else's wedding.

hawkeyes00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:b3373ed3-d3f5-4f5b-88d4-87cfad39df9c">Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who's In Charge??? Help! : I know you were being sarcastic with the bolded bit, but it's true, and it's not really a high crime.  Your wedding is yours.  Clearly they saw a camper as a better investment than a four-hour party for someone else, and who's to say they're wrong about that?  A lot of brides are opting to cut back on their own weddings in order to make more practical purchases, so it's not remotely surprising that someone would make the same choice in regards to someone else's wedding.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

<div>i was not being sarcastic - i'm saying - well of course my parents being able to pay their bills is a priority over our wedding! my point was i think they may have been being slightly dramatic with the "we can't even pay our bills" when one week after they speech they bought such a high dollar luxury purchase. </div><div>
</div><div>and my frustration was them being dramatic about not being able to pay their bills but also having no problem inviting more people to the wedding than we even are. i've asked them to cut people and they won't. so it's a little frustrating. </div><div>
</div>

PeonyPrincesskdd

They shouldn't have to cut anybody.  You could have had it at a cheaper place and accomodated everyone comfortably.  Maybe these people on their list mean something to them and they can't just cut them off the list just as easy and quick as you think it is. 

Really, if you chose a less expensive venue, this could have been a lot easier.  Now you want to make your parents cut off people who are important to them. 

I think you should just pay up since you wanted this certain venue.  You should have seen all this coming.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:dca5b5fe-b010-4fdc-b6d2-1eb14deef648">Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who's In Charge??? Help! : i was not being sarcastic - i'm saying - well of course my parents being able to pay their bills is a priority over our wedding! my point was i think they may have been being slightly dramatic with the "we can't even pay our bills" when one week after they speech they bought such a high dollar luxury purchase.  and my frustration was them being dramatic about not being able to pay their bills but also having no problem inviting more people to the wedding than we even are.<strong> i've asked them to cut people and they won't. so it's a little frustrating. 
</strong>Posted by hawkeyes00[/QUOTE]

quotequeen

You have no obligation to accommodate your parents' guest list.  However, they also have no obligation to contribute to your wedding; if they choose to do so, their contribution comes with whatever strings they choose to place on it.  If they are demanding that you invite everybody on the list or else they won't give you the money, then you can choose to invite them or give up the money.  Otherwise, be firm that you will not be inviting all of these people, and that if they don't cut the list, you will be cutting it for them.

[Deleted User]

Think about the area you are having your wedding in...

I know for me and where I live, there is no possible way to do a wedding for
$7K. Those of you who say you do, I envy you. For the number of people I am inviting (almost all family) There are only so many locations that we could even look at. Of course locations that hold a large number of people are more expensive. Just because your parents gave you SOME money to help, does not make them entitled to anything unless they said here is this money to pay for our guest list specifically.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:cbe011fe-9b57-4a72-a973-49723ef1f3a4">Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Think about the area you are having your wedding in... I know for me and where I live, there is no possible way to do a wedding for $7K. Those of you who say you do, I envy you. For the number of people I am inviting (almost all family) There are only so many locations that we could even look at. Of course locations that hold a large number of people are more expensive. Just because your parents gave you SOME money to help, does not make them entitled to anything unless they said here is this money to pay for our guest list specifically.
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

Op lives in Iowa.  If weddings in NJ can be done under $7 I am pretty weddings in Iowa can be done as well.  There is even a budget bride board on this site.  And if the OP was smart, she would have shopped around to find a venue in her price range. 

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:cbe011fe-9b57-4a72-a973-49723ef1f3a4">Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Think about the area you are having your wedding in... I know for me and where I live, there is no possible way to do a wedding for $7K. Those of you who say you do, I envy you. For the number of people I am inviting (almost all family) There are only so many locations that we could even look at. Of course locations that hold a large number of people are more expensive. Just because your parents gave you SOME money to help, does not make them entitled to anything unless they said here is this money to pay for our guest list specifically.
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

Of course you can have a wedding for $7K on Long Island.  You can have a wedding for far less than $7K on Long Island.

What may be more challenging is having a PPD wedding on Long Island for under $7K.

Please remember that a license, bride and groom, officiant, and if your state requires it witnesses are all that are required for a wedding~whether it's on Long Island, in Topeka Kansas, or in DesMoines, Iowa.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whos-charge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9b4f6694-a1da-4c17-9fdb-70fbe049773fPost:fe85c887-a2ee-43c0-8565-af02e59da148">Re: Who's In Charge??? Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]They shouldn't have to cut anybody.  You could have had it at a cheaper place and accomodated everyone comfortably.  Maybe these people on their list mean something to them and they can't just cut them off the list just as easy and quick as you think it is.  Really, if you chose a less expensive venue, this could have been a lot easier.  Now you want to make your parents cut off people who are important to them.  I think you should just pay up since you wanted this certain venue.  You should have seen all this coming.
Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

I think you're assuming that she chose her venue regardless of her budget. You don't know that she chose her venue, therefore price range, based on the $7,000 and what they (the bride and groom) were going to pay. Her point is, her parents contributed $7,000, but now want to invite others over that and it will push them over the ENTIRE budget. It's 4 months before her wedding and her parents keep adding people. I'm sure they had the venue picked out long before that based on the budget they had at that time.

I agree with other posters explaining to your parents that they are allowed X number of people on the guest list and go from there. I don't think it's helpful to harp on her location decision when that is something that is already decided.

hawkeyes00

thanks everybody! i appreciate all of the feedback!

In regards to the price points for Iowa. Just because it's Iowa doesn't necessairly mean it's cheap/ or easy to find low budget options.

We live in Des Moines - which is where our wedding will be, which also happens to be a city, that comes along with city pricing. We are specifically NOT using a hotel because every hotel we looked at was a 10k minimum. We we opted to find a venue so we would not be locked into a minimum spending and are using the cheapest caterer we can find, and also to save are only serving one chicken meal - no multiple meal selections.

Also, so we could put more money towards the catering budget to somewhat help accomodate extra additions - FI and switched our hotel room from a Suite to a standard room for the night of the wedding to save a few hundred bucks. (this is the most recent cut we've done so it's what is in my head currently)

I TOTALLY envy the people that are saying weddings can be done for 10k!! I wish that were the case here in Des Moines....

meganyani

It is a bit ridiculous that they keep adding people. Take the previous advice and give them a limit based on your budget constraints.

I know DM (especially WDM) can be pricey but wow, 7k won't even cover catering?? I thought ours was high at 1k for 70 people. Then again, if you have tons of people I can maybe see this...

Good luck. If they refuse to stop inviting people, I would just refuse their money all together so you have no obligations.