Moms and Maids

FMIL issue

I will try to keep this long story short. FMIL wants to invite everyone that was invited to FI's brother's wedding. We don't have room for that many people. We need our guest list to be about 240 (max for the room) and right now we are at 280. She is asking us to see if we can reseve the bigger room at the reception hall instead. For this room, we need to guarantee 250. FI and I don't want this many people at the wedding. We would prefer a more intimate wedding but we have big families (all of whom will be able to fit in the smaller room).

Side note: FMIL can be very stubborn and doesn't back down easily. She has been wanting us to do everything almost exactly like FI's brother did.

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Re: FMIL issue

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c20bdce-1a0d-4cb3-af74-cad61a239de8Post:7e7d7667-cf9e-450a-ae51-04d5c64f73ed">FMIL issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will try to keep this long story short. FMIL wants to invite everyone that was invited to FI's brother's wedding. We don't have room for that many people. We need our guest list to be about 240 (max for the room) and right now we are at 280. She is asking us to see if we can reseve the bigger room at the reception hall instead. For this room, we need to guarantee 250. FI and I don't want this many people at the wedding. We would prefer a more intimate wedding but we have big families (all of whom will be able to fit in the smaller room). Side note: FMIL can be very stubborn and doesn't back down easily. She has been wanting us to do everything almost exactly like FI's brother did. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!
    Posted by Lyndsay12383[/QUOTE]

    Who's paying for your wedding and reception?
  • edited December 2011

    Mostly myself and FI. She is willing to pay for the extra people which is why I feel funny about FI and I not wanting the extra people.

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c20bdce-1a0d-4cb3-af74-cad61a239de8Post:92034667-400d-4ac3-8e32-c6952ce7cb13">Re: FMIL issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mostly myself and FI. She is willing to pay for the extra people which is why I feel funny about FI and I not wanting the extra people.
    Posted by Lyndsay12383[/QUOTE]

    Is she paying for anything else or is she only offering to pay for her extra people?
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    mrs.hokie's advice is not good.  Always assume that 100% of those invited WILL attend.  There is not magic formula that says 20% will decline.  And when couples use this, they are in trouble.

    I have heard of weddings with 99% acceptance, and 50% acceptance.  Never, ever, ever invite more than you have room for and can comfortably afford.

    OP:  Your  FI should be addressing this with him mom.  It's not really that she's willing to pay for more people.  If you're paying for your wedding, it's your decision about the size of your wedding.

    I think your FI needs to sit down with his mom and tell her it's not about the money, it's about your decision to have a smaller wedding.

    This is why I always think it's a slippery slopoe to say to people "If they want more people, then tell them they can pay for them."  It often backfires.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    That's why I'd like to know what else, if anything, FMIL is paying for. If she's footing the bill for the entire reception and is willing to pony up some more for her extra guests, well, that's her right as the hostess.

    If the OP and her groom are covering the reception, he needs to man up and tell his mother the guest list is set, no more extras, end of discussion.
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Trix.  About 96% of my invited guests attended my wedding.  Only invite the what your venue can hold.  
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • edited December 2011
    It's not the brother's wedding...it's your wedding.  Say no.  Have the wedding that you want.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Has she wanting to  invited alot of people? What I would do is give her back her list and say something like "oh sorry the venue only holds 150  and we already have 140 so we need to narrow this list down to only 10  people " . Then she still has a few people she can invite and you can keep the number under control and she can pick her 10 people or how ever many it is.  NEVER invite to many guest because that will just create a headache later on when everyone RSVPS and you end up with 30  extra people.

    Your FH is the one who needs to talk to his mother . I personal would try to stay out of it . If she asked you just tell her how it is nicely ( its harder to do then say , believe me I know ) . If you both want a small wedding then have a small wedding and tell her sorry but the guest list if full . GoodLuck.
    Anniversary
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow, this post is like deja vu from my best friend who got married last year. Basically, since you are paying you get the final say. Have your FI explain to his mom that the venue is at max capacity and have him to change to subject to end the discussion. It might take a good number of times before she gets the message but eventually she will know that your two are not going to give in. You can also do what sarah suggested and give her a choice of XX number of people. Either way I can understand your annoyance, this was one of the very few stresses she had and it drove her up the wall sometimes because her MIL was a stubborn one. 
  • edited December 2011
    She's not paying for the reception so you and your FI get to decide.  It's not the brothers wedding it's yours and she needs to get that through her thick head. 

    Our problem is FI dad who seems to enjoy verbally inviting people that we don't know and come back and says so and so is coming.  Now FMIL is going with him everywhere doing damage control, she may bug the hell out of me sometimes, but thank goodness she gets this.
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c20bdce-1a0d-4cb3-af74-cad61a239de8Post:14ac3dfd-541e-433e-98e1-7b6e864a59ff">Re: FMIL issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>She's not paying for the reception so you and your FI get to decide.</strong>  It's not the brothers wedding it's yours and she needs to get that through her thick head.  Our problem is FI dad who seems to enjoy verbally inviting people that we don't know and come back and says so and so is coming.  Now FMIL is going with him everywhere doing damage control, she may bug the hell out of me sometimes, but thank goodness she gets this.
    Posted by amwilli5[/QUOTE]

    Where did you read that?
  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c20bdce-1a0d-4cb3-af74-cad61a239de8Post:a956211c-1633-4763-9833-c2d6cb7c5a53">Re: FMIL issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL issue : Where did you read that?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9c20bdce-1a0d-4cb3-af74-cad61a239de8Post:92034667-400d-4ac3-8e32-c6952ce7cb13">Re: FMIL issue</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mostly myself and FI. She is willing to pay for the extra people which is why I feel funny about FI and I not wanting the extra people.
    Posted by Lyndsay12383[/QUOTE]


    I think this is where she got that from .
    Anniversary
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