Moms and Maids

Emotional blackmail by FMIL

My Fiance and I were engaged about 3 weeks ago. We've been playing around with wedding dates and decidedon December 17th which works best for most of our guest but most importantly, for us and our work schedule.

His mother is upset because his cousin will be unable to attend if we choose that date. She is upset and now giving him the silent treatment because it's really not convenient for us to explore alternate dates.

I would like to keep her involved as my own mother passed away and I don't have anyone to help me with wedding but I don't see the point of inconveniencing 98% of our guests for 2% who can't attend.

Because of this, he is dragging his feet with setting the firm date and I am highly frustrated. I want to send out our save the dates and start booking venues but can't do anything until he is prepared to talk to his mother on this.

I would but, I don't think it is my place to do so.

Re: Emotional blackmail by FMIL

  • edited December 2011
    Ca you go over with him potential dates again, sort of make a pros/cons list? It might go something like this:

    12/10--We can only take one day off besides the weddding
    12/17--we can take a week off
    Any other week before next April, no honeymoon, no time off

    If it's that obvious then maybe writing it out will help your FI see how necessary it is.
  • yoko2011yoko2011 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    PP suggested great idea You may want to point out that you can "change the date" to accommodate cousin but what if circumstances beyond his control prevent him from attending? Ideally this wouldn't happen but life happens.
  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    And if you change your date then there will be someone else who probably can't attend. Unless your wedding is very small you will never have a date when everyone you want to attend can attend.
  • edited December 2011
    You're never going to be able to pick a date where everyone is able to attend.  That's life.  I like the pro/con list idea.

    Also, if FMIL is acting like this over something so minor, I'd think twice about wanting her to help with your wedding.  Really, it should be just you and your FI but if you need any help that can be done long distance, keep posting on TK.  You'll get honest opinions and people who rein you back in if  you are getting a little out there.
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  • edited December 2011
    This is how she's behaving and she's not paying for anything?  Not a good sign.  I'm with PP - I wouldn't be asking her for help.  Yes, you can review the date with your FI, and show him the pros and cons of each date, but at some point, he's going to need to man up and stand up to his mother.  Better to do it now and establish that she doesn't run his life then to wait and run into this problem again and again throughout the engagement and marriage.
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  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_emotional-blackmail-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9d5dd060-5de6-43a9-b939-4aa16209fe40Post:f85049f3-4fe2-435b-bbb8-bf2470340825">Emotional blackmail by FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]My Fiance and I were engaged about 3 weeks ago. We've been playing around with wedding dates and decidedon December 17th which works best for most of our guest but most importantly, for us and our work schedule. His mother is upset because his cousin will be unable to attend if we choose that date. She is upset and now giving him the silent treatment because it's really not convenient for us to explore alternate dates. I would like to keep her involved as my own mother passed away and I don't have anyone to help me with wedding but I don't see the point of inconveniencing 98% of our guests for 2% who can't attend. Because of this, he is dragging his feet with setting the firm date and I am highly frustrated. I want to send out our save the dates and start booking venues but can't do anything until he is prepared to talk to his mother on this. I would but, I don't think it is my place to do so.
    Posted by NessTSingh[/QUOTE]
    Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.  Your FI needs to stand up to his mommy and tell her that this is the date that works best for you - whomever cannot attend will be missed.  Also, like PPs said, I'd keep her out of the wedding planning, save yourself the drama.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    You don't have a FMIL problem so much as you have a FI problem.  He needs to go find his balls and stand up to his mother, because right now he's putting her in front of you, and that is NOT how things fly in a marriage.  Either fix this now, or prepare for a lifetime of being second best. 

    His mother is acting like a baby about things, too.  But that's your FI's problem to deal with.  Doesn't sound like he has the guts to do it. 
  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    How ridiculous. As others mientioned, no date will accommodate every single person. And if I were the cousin, I'd feel like an ass if I ever found out that MY not being able to attend caused all kinds of drama for the couple.

    The list is a good idea to give your fiance a visual of the situation, and then he needs to tell his mother to back off.
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  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]You're never going to be able to pick a date where everyone is able to attend.  That's life.  I like the pro/con list idea. Also, if FMIL is acting like this over something so minor, I'd think twice about wanting her to help with your wedding.  Really, it should be just you and your FI but if you need any help that can be done long distance, keep posting on TK.  You'll get honest opinions and people who rein you back in if  you are getting a little out there.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]
    Very well said.  Ditto all of this.
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  • murphybeanmurphybean member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This is a situation that she will continue to use if you allow her to have this one.   You really need to explain to her that you feel threatened with this attitude and that if it were to be changed than your other guests will be inconvenienced.  My mother is law has always used manipulation on us.  I have learned to act like I don't hear or see it and go ahead with my plans.  I am a soon to be mother in law myself and believe that this is the brides wedding day and not ours  I bet she wouldn't change her plans for something if it didn't fit with someone else.  Try to talk to fiance and explain that she will continue to interfere if given the chance.  What happens before the wedding will happen after so take heed that this is more of times to come.  What will happen if you have a child and it doesn't suit her when it is due? Remember to keep saying to yourself and your soon to be grroom that this is your wedding day, she has had hers already.....
  • nanderson09nanderson09 member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My FIL convinced us to plan our wedding date around his schedule. In the end, his schedule changed and the wedding date that HE had convinced us to pick was inconvenient for him, and also the rest of us! Go with what is best for you. 
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  • allisonkbyeallisonkbye member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    welcome to wedding planning. 
  • ssers002ssers002 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    we ran into a similar problem, with conflicting dates my fiance and I finally sat down said April 28th works for us. In the long run this marriage is between you and him. People need to understand this your wedding not theirs. While you would love to have everybody there, you understand if they can not make it. Would love to celebrate after your honeymoon by inviting them to dinner. Bottom line Dec 17th is what works best for you guys, he needs to start acting like husband make his mother understand her behavior is no okay. She can either accept Dec. 17th and be supportive, or she can not accept it and miss out on fun events to come because she is choosing to act like child. 
    GOOD LUCK!
  • lanejanelanejane member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_emotional-blackmail-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9d5dd060-5de6-43a9-b939-4aa16209fe40Post:3653ecd1-cee4-4821-a46f-4ac24d147a49">Re: Emotional blackmail by FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FIL convinced us to plan our wedding date around his schedule. In the end, his schedule changed and the wedding date that HE had convinced us to pick was inconvenient for him, and also the rest of us! Go with what is best for you. 
    Posted by nanderson09[/QUOTE]

    What a great example of why you should follow your first mind. We gave/ or are giving our family/friends plenty of time to make arrangements to attend our wedding and if they can't, we're sorry but what can you do? Arrange your party around dozens of different schedules?
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't necessarily think FMIL is wrong -- depends on family dynamics and expectations. Years ago, my cousin ideally wanted a fall wedding. Well, I was going to  be out of the country studying abroad so she changed her wedding to the summer before I left because it WAS that important to her that I attend. I have no idea how her husband felt about it, but I imagine he went along with it because it was important to her and her family.

    Another cousin on the other side of the family also planned a fall wedding and kept that date because we weren't that close. And I was fine with that.

    I find it really hard to believe Dec. 17 is the only viable option for you. If it's important to your FH (not clear to me if it is, but if he's dragging his feet, it probably is), then I'd look for another date.
  • mystinamariemystinamarie member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We had similar issues w/ both of our family. We went back and forth with a whole handful of dates, trying to accomodate a bunch of ppl we felt were important to be there. Ultimately we did end up shifting the date b/c it ended up being his brother's (BM) final exam week for college. But, before we finalized that my FI said several times "the only two ppl that need to be there are you and me" and I like that mindset. If you are important to the guests, they will MAKE the time and the effort to come to your wedding. Otherwise, they can simply check "no" on the RSVP. No harm, no foul.
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