• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Moms and Maids

Bridesmaids are being lame. What do I do?

I got engaged 4 months ago. I'm having 5 bridesmaids, 1 is a guy, 1 is my 9 year old sister (junior bm), and the other three are women a few years older than me. 2 of the bm live out of town but one of them lives two streets up from me.

One of the maids from out of town (Michele) doesn't really keep in touch; she isn't girly or into wedding stuff at all but she does try her best. The other two don't contact me AT ALL. I send out one long email with wedding updates once a month and never get a response from any of them. No text, email back or phone call. And when I text the other two, (not Michele) to make sure they got the email, they don't respond. I know the one that lives close to me (Meagan) is jealous about the wedding thing because she hated her wedding and the location she wanted to have hers at is where I'm having mine. (She gave me all the info for the place and said go ahead when I wasn't even interested!) She doesn't want to see the wedding dress I just bought or anything. And she's always really negative about the whole thing, saying I'm making "the worst decision" even though everyone loves FI. I personally think its projection but hey.

The other maid (L) doesn't respond to anything but isn't mean about it. She just won't respond even when I showed her pictures of my wedding dress.

I'm not expecting them to keep in touch all the time -I know they have lives. But I'll go weeks without hearing from anyone. I've always imagined your bridesmaids being totally supportive like they are in the movies but I'm getting a reality check!

I have the most issue with Meaghan though. I've given her many chances and she is always mean. Should I even keep her as a bridesmaid when I'm just continually getting my feelings hurt? (Her son is the ring bearer, but she would probably take him out if she couldn't be a maid). And what about L?

Re: Bridesmaids are being lame. What do I do?

  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-being-lame?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9da5eea3-7525-41c0-a99c-b2df05aa79a6Post:37a62c88-4bf0-4fdf-8114-53731c0403b5">Bridesmaids are being lame. What do I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I got engaged 4 months ago. I'm having 5 bridesmaids, 1 is a guy, 1 is my 9 year old sister (junior bm), and the other three are women a few years older than me. 2 of the bm live out of town but one of them lives two streets up from me. One of the maids from out of town (Michele) doesn't really keep in touch; she isn't girly or into wedding stuff at all but she does try her best. The other two don't contact me AT ALL . I send out one long email with wedding updates once a month and never get a response from any of them. No text, email back or phone call. And when I text the other two, (not Michele) to make sure they got the email, they don't respond. I know the one that lives close to me (Meagan) is jealous about the wedding thing because she hated her wedding and the location she wanted to have hers at is where I'm having mine. (She gave me all the info for the place and said go ahead when I wasn't even interested!) She doesn't want to see the wedding dress I just bought or anything. And she's always really negative about the whole thing, saying I'm making "the worst decision" even though everyone loves FI. I personally think its projection but hey. The other maid (L) doesn't respond to anything but isn't mean about it. She just won't respond even when I showed her pictures of my wedding dress. I'm not expecting them to keep in touch all the time -I know they have lives. But I'll go weeks without hearing from anyone. I've always imagined your bridesmaids being totally supportive like they are in the movies but I'm getting a reality check! I have the most issue with Meaghan though. I've given her many chances and she is always mean. Should I even keep her as a bridesmaid when I'm just continually getting my feelings hurt? (Her son is the ring bearer, but she would probably take him out if she couldn't be a maid). And what about L?
    Posted by arizonatea[/QUOTE]
    Ok a couple of things.  Keep in mind that nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do.  You are still 9 months away frrom the wedding, and there isn't really anything your BMs need to be informed of or "kept up to date" about.  They are probably tired of your monthly emails and don't have anything to respond with, because none of it pertains to them. 

    In due time, you can talk to them about picking out dresses, but that's all they need to be doing for the wedding.  That's the only information they need to be up to date on.

    If you "need support" to plan your wedding, you're doing something wrong.  It's a party.  You and FI should be able to plan and execute it yourselves.  If you can't, then hire a planner.  BMs are not free wedding planners.

    Don't kick anybody out of your wedding unless you're prepared to end the friendship with that person.  Kicking someone out is a friendship-ending move, no ifs ands or buts. 

    All in all, I think you just need to slow down and stop talking about your wedding with your BMs.  If you don't talk to them about it, they can't ignore you, get jealous, or say mean things.  Keep the wedding talk between you and FI, or you and TK.

    edit - spelling, and some other stuff.
  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Read what Vicki posted to you.  Read it again.  And then again.


    Vicki, well said.
    vacation vacation vacation vacation
    It's almost here! Weeeeeeee!
    image
    my read shelf:
    Jaime's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    43/70 books read

    Back in June 2010...
  • edited December 2011
    Agree with Vicki as well. Also, have you tried contacting them about non-wedding stuff? If so, how do they respond to that. If not, then you should. I try not to go overboard on wedding stuff with my BMs, except my MOH who is also getting married and therefore obsessed as well.

    As far as Meghan goes, talk to her about her concerns. It may just be jealousy, but hearing her out will go a long way towards showing her that you value her opinion and repairing the relationship.
    -This is not legal advice- Wedding Countdown Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic larger_image
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Ditto the others.  It's not lame to not be living and breathing someone else's party.  They have lives outside your wedding.  If you don't want to alienate everyone you know in the next nine months, you should make sure you have a life outside your wedding, too.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Totally agree with pps. I understand that you are excited and want to share those things with your friends, but they are probably just tired of it. What if a friend sent you constant updates of her new baby, puppy, or home? You'd probably be happy for her, but would eventually think that enough is enough because it really doesn't affect you that much. The only wedding things that affect a BM are their dresses, rehearsal, and day-of issues like when to get dressed and show up for pictures. Other than that, they are not required to do anything else. Most real BMs are nothing like in the movies. 
    Photobucket
  • edited December 2011
    You should stop with the monthly wedding e-mails. 
    image
  • edited December 2011
    I'm lucky- my MOH is just as excited about wedding planning as I am, which is a huge relief to me since I can rely on her to give her opinion. Support? No. Opinion, definitely. We have a lot of the same tastes.

    Having said that, we still spend a lot of time doing the same stuff we did before I got engaged: we go out for coffee, we go to the movies, we hang out and talk about our families and my godson and the state of the world. This isn't because she doesn't want to talk about my wedding, but because I know that as awesome as she is, chances are good that she'll get sick of wedding wedding wedding all the time. I'd like for her to still be my friend at the end of this process, and to me that's the most important thing, not that she's my MOH and MUST do wedding things with and for me. She's not required to do anything more than show up in a dress, be sober, and smile. Anything else is gravy.

    OP, if you kick your BM out of your wedding, you're not only losing a BM and a ring-bearer but also a friend. Are you willing to do that? Realistically, your wedding will only happen once, and it needs to be special. But once it's over you WILL have to deal with the fallout if you kick her out of your wedding. It's nothing less than a public slap in the face. Personally, I'd miss my friend a heck of a lot more than I'd miss my MOH or my BM.
    "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."- Emily Bronte Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    What everyone else said.  Your bridesmaids are not being "lame".  Lower your expectations.
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    No one is as excited about your wedding as you are.  You don't need to send them monthly update emails - especially not long ones.  Send them emails when there is information that directly pertains to them, otherwise can it.  If you need to gush, that's what TK boards are for.  But there's no reason to inundate them with information they don't care about.  That doesn't make them lame, it just makes them not OMGEXCITED about your wedding.  That's 9 months away.
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
    image Wedding Countdown Ticker
    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
  • KateG528KateG528 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Do you ever talk to them about other things in their lives. Friendships work two ways, you need to be their friends the same as you were before you got engaged. My wedding is less than two months away and I still take time to have real friendships with my BMs I love them and I want to still have them as friends when I am a Mrs. Your wedding is still 9 months away. There is nothing so important that you need to bombard them every month with a "monthly email" thats just a little ridiculous. If you have something specific to talk to them about then you need to pick up the phone and call them about it. 

    Chill chica, its not that serious. 
    May you never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat then please cheat death because I couldn't live a day without you.


    [url=http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt11e760.aspx[/img][/url]
  • BunniKakesBunniKakes member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I have ::wince:: sent my bridesmaids a few 'update' emails. I don't feel bad about it and I don't think they were annoyed. That said, all of my bridesmaids are 1,000 miles away and I wanted them to feel included and excited about spending time together over the weekend.

    I also prefaced every single email on the topic with 'This is probably too detailed and you should feel free to ignore it.'

    I have even taken friends up on offers to help with projects like addressing save-the-dates and an embossing project that was total overkill in hindsight. Hey, they volunteered and I was only going to turn them down once!

    I have also turned to my bridesmaids (and non WP friends) for support over the time of my engagement. And I did so before my engagement. I will do so after I'm married. And I hope to hell they continue to consider me a source of support. I did/do it because they are my friends, not because I've asked them all to wear the same color dress on a Sunday in April.

    I see a lot of these types posts and I think, at the end of the day, they're really about friendship and how challenging it can be as you get older and people aren't busy with the same activities as all their friends. I'm focused on a wedding; my best friend is focused on deciding if she should move to Africa. So we talk about both. And we both listen.

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • arizonateaarizonatea member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-being-lame?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9da5eea3-7525-41c0-a99c-b2df05aa79a6Post:704f8931-eb6e-4f5e-bc7d-57f4440512f7">Re: Bridesmaids are being lame. What do I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you ever talk to them about other things in their lives. <strong>Friendships work two ways, you need to be their friends the same as you were before you got engaged</strong>. My wedding is less than two months away and I still take time to have real friendships with my BMs I love them and I want to still have them as friends when I am a Mrs. Your wedding is still 9 months away. There is nothing so important that you need to bombard them every month with a "monthly email" thats just a little ridiculous. If you have something specific to talk to them about then you need to pick up the phone and call them about it.  Chill chica, its not that serious. 
    Posted by KateG528[/QUOTE]

    - Well I try to talk to Meaghan about life in general, but she only talks to her in laws now. I'm not the only one she's shutting out so I wasn't surprised. I'm just tired of her hurtful comments. I'm not saying I want to kick her out because I'm not getting showered with attention 24/7, I'm saying I'm considering kicking her out because she continuously says that I'm making a mistake. And how I don't deserve my wedding.
    L doesn't even answer my regular texts, or FB messages. When I ask how her daughters are doing there's no reply. So idk.
    And Michele and I talk frequently about other things.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards