Moms and Maids

Re: peace

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-slight-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9e29543f-bbf1-44b4-810c-15fb4baa5e01Post:d72953a4-00c4-4a67-b715-0c0d9b91f06c">is this rude? **slight update**</a>:
    [QUOTE]. to be honest i never really formally asked any of my girlfriends to be in my wedding party. the only formal invites where my cousins on the east coast... everyone else was just assumed, and then included thereafter.
    Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]

    If it was understood they were in the wedding party and then they started doing things that only the wedding party does (like pick out dresses), then you've asked them and you shouldn't kick her out unless she does something like try to physically harm you or make a pass at your FI. So leave the wedding party alone, if she's in your wedding party but isn't really friends with you anymore in 5 years, that won't be the end of the world.

    That being said, just because you shouldnt' kick her out doesn't mean you have to hold up both ends of the friendship. Since she is your friend I would talk to her and  tell her she makes you feel unappreciated, even though you feel you've gone out of your way to help her out when she needs it. If she doesn't respond to that/change then you can definitely back off the friendship.

    Heck, even if she does respond, it's not really healthy for relationships to be 90-10 for extended periods of time (there are exceptions, sometimes we need our friends to support us because we're going through something so tough we can barely hold it together ourselves, much less help them, but that should be the exception, not the rule).Just gradually stop making so much effort and if she doesn't start to meet you closer to halfway, then SHE is the one letting the friendship go.

    Good luck!
  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I too agree that an honest talk with your friend is needed. It's possible that she's completely oblivious to the situation. I wouldn't boot her solely for being a crappy friend, but if it can be fixed- it should at least be attempted. And if she's a true friend, she'll make it up to you in some way.

    if it doesn't change, then she's the one giving up the friendship-not you.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-rude-slight-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9e29543f-bbf1-44b4-810c-15fb4baa5e01Post:d72953a4-00c4-4a67-b715-0c0d9b91f06c">is this rude? **slight update**</a>:
    [QUOTE]sooo, i conciously decided to just roll with the punches and not so to speak "kick" any of my bridesmaids out. BUT... this same girl (friend #1 to tell me shes preggo)... its becoming increasingly apparent how much we are NOT friends. everything is one sided, and im the one constantly bending over further than backwards to help this girl. i dont have a problem helping friends out, but when a friend (and her bf) start treating you like theyre getting away with sh*t, i just can't hang. i was in a teacher training for two weeks, in which i couldnt help friend with her son's pick ups from preeschool, but as soon as i got my schedule for work right before the training ended, i called her to let her know what days i could help her. no acknowledgment at all (and that was the night she told me she was preggo). she seemed happy about it, and from the looks of the ultrasound pic she sent, shes at least 3 months. she mentioned NOTHING to me about it being a secret, otherwise i wouldve kept my mouth shut. i mentioned it to my brother, whom im pretty close to (i didnt think it was a big deal, at all... shes pregnant... thats not something you can hide anyways). and i hear, through another friend, that i guess my brother had congratulated her bf/new baby daddy, and they were upset that i had told him! I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS A FREAKIN SECRET! also, we were supposed to hang out earlier this week, and she flat out flaked. she even answered her phone, and kept me hanging, saying we were still on, and then proceeded to completely flake. no response to my proceeding call or text. and i havent spoken to her since she answered her phone that day saying we were still on. she seems to love stringing me along (a couple weeks back, she wanted my tattoo artist to make a gift certificate for her bf for an xmas present, so i hit up my artist, and told him we were coming in the next day at 1, which she agreed to, but again... flaked). i hate feeling like an idiot at her expense... going out of my way to help her, when shes only playing childish games. and what really just kills me about the whole situation with this girl is that pit in my stomach i get for feeling like a bad friend. i mean, i know my truth... i know i help her whenever i can, and when i really cant, its because im working, or at school. and i know that despite my own personal opinions on her current situation, i do wish her the very best. all of my other girlfriends have warned and warned and warned about this girl, but i always try to see the good in people... siiigh. i dont know. im ready to just let go of this "friendship". i feel partially selfish for thinking about it in the sense that im not getting anything out of this relationship... but my fiance told me that its not selfish to want a friend to be a friend. and i guess hes right. when i think about my wedding, i really dont even care if she comes or not, so i guess thats also a huge sign that something needs to happen. i guess im just asking for a good route to take with this girl. do i try to communicate with her? do i just let it fall away? my wedding stuff/her being a bridesmaid is trivial right now, but i feel like i just need to make her involvement clear. and, as for the whole "kicking out bridesmaids" deal... to be honest i never really formally asked any of my girlfriends to be in my wedding party. the only formal invites where my cousins on the east coast... everyone else was just assumed, and then included thereafter. so, i don't know if that counts for anything. well, please give me your thoughts on this all. i got some slightly harsh comments last time, which i didnt really take to heart, considering this is an online forum, and no one could possibly know every last detail. i'm trying to make this situation clear to all of you, and im pretty sure i know what ive gotta do. i don't think theres a way to do this without creating drama or backlash between this girl and i, but if it pans out that way, at least it'll be the last time i expend this much energy and heartache on a friend i just couldnt help anymore. believe me, the last thing i want to do is "eliminate" a friend, so to speak... but this charade of being a friend when its convenient shouldn't be okay. i feel like ive done it for long enough, and shes not going to change her ways. im in transition mode with my own life, and the only factor i have control over is myself. so i can choose to keep negativity around, back burners or not, or i can choose to just extinguish it all and focus on positivity. and im thinking thats the route i need to take...
    Posted by peaceistheway[/QUOTE]

    OK, I expended nearly as much energy as you do on your friendship just trying to read the post.  From what I gather, you spilled the beans about your friend's pregnancy and she's mad.  You don't think it's a big deal, but she does.  It is a big deal, and I think you need to apologize to her.

    My advice would be to leave the wedding party as is.  If your friend gets a dress and shows up, then she's in.  If she doesn't, then she's out.  However, if you ask her to "step down", you'll just look like a giant bridezilla.  My guess is that she won't want to do it anyway.  Also, stop sharing anything wedding-related with her.  That may help as well.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    The thing is, you didn't know it was a secret, but, in general, people usually like to spread that kind of news themselves.
    If you want to salvage the relationship, apologize and leave it alone.

    Try to hang out with her without bringing up wedding related talk, ok? Otherwise, jsut let the friendship fade. You don't have to "give her the boot." If she doesn't want to attend, she'll remove herself. gl!

    image
  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Quit helping her out, quit making plans with her, don't keep in touch with her unless she initiates it, and if it's to ask for a favor, say you're busy.  She'll either:

    a. tell you she misses you and wants to reconnect with you, and your frienship with patch back together.  She'll buy her dress, and be in your wedding on good terms or

    b. she won't try to contact you, she won't buy her dress, and she'll effectively remover herself from the wedding party.

    Either way, problem solved.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP. You need an honest conversation to you friend about the "being used" by her. I think if you have a conversation about your relationship you will have a better understanding on where you want to go. So far you are in limbo, you don't like the way your friend has been treating you, yet you don't say anything to her (about being used). You need to speak up, whatever her answer is at least then you know if your friendship is worth saving or not.

    If the friendship isn't worth saving either tell her straight up, "I don't think we can be friends" in which will make it known that she won't be a BM or you can avoid contact with her and stop doing stuff for her, and leaving her the WP letting the friendship just drift apart. 

    You have a friendship issue, you need to deal with it and make a decision on where you stand. 
  • edited December 2011
    Ok, I'll ask.  Do you keep posting with more detailed info because you are looking for someone to tell you that what you want to do is ok?  If so, it doesn't appear to be working. 

    The answer is always the same...if you want to remove her from the wedding party---go ahead.  She will tell everyone that she knows that you are a GIANT bridzilla who threw out her poor pregnant friend for no reason.  Whether it is true or not makes no difference.  People LOVE to talk about the dirty gossip.

    If you leave it alone, she'll either get the dress and show up or she won't.  Her choice and no big gossipy story to tell.

    Make a choice and move on.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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