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Mom Against Wedding

My mom is very against my wedding and it is getting to the point where I am not sure how I should handle it. I won't get into the whole long story of it, but my fiance and I have a 4 year old together and had split up when he was 18 months old. We had a 2 year custody battle and then reconciled. So there are valid reasons why she might feel bad feelings towards him; however, a lot has changed since then, including the both of us and our relationship with one another. I was not expecting her to pay for the wedding or anything, but she can't seem to keep from making katty comments to me (like suggesting we get married in Idaho where it may be easier to get a divorce). This is all compounded by the fact that my sister just had her wedding at my mom's house last summer. My mom basically ran the show, which was perfect since she is very controlling by nature. If my mom were straight out katty all the time it would be easy to tell her off. Instead she spends a lot of time voicing her concerns about wanting to be happy for me, but not being able to; feeling left out of the wedding; feeling like the event will just be one big party for my FI, since my family may not attend. My FI is still not welcome at my parent's house and she preemptively told me he is still not welcome over at Christmas. She acts like I am choosing him over the family, but it feels like she is trying to back me into that corner. I am sick of putting up with her snotty comments and I am not sure I want her there if she can't be supportive; however, many people in my family have been excommunicated for far less than this. I would hate to see this rift continue to the point that there is no fixing it. What should I do? Should I keep my mouth shut and hope things work themselves out with time, or should I tell her to stop with the comments even though she may explode and cut herself off from my life?

Re: Mom Against Wedding

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    LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, as you pointed out, it's your Mom making you do the choosing and creating the rift. If I were in your position, every time she did that, I would have a calm response pointing out to her what she's doing.

    Ex:
    She says: "Your FI is not welcome at Christmas."
    You say: "Please don't make me choose between you and him, I feel that's wrong and selfish and I will choose the person who is not making me choose between them, which is currently him."

    She says: "I feel left out of the wedding."
    You say: "I would be happy to have you more involved, but if you're going to be, I would appreciate you not saying anything negative about my FI or our future as a couple."

    She says: "Your wedding is going to end up being one big party for your FI, because no one in our family is coming."
    You say: "I'm really sorry to hear that, but that's their choice and I cant' make it for them. I would love to have them there, would you help me encourage them to attend?"

    Don't let it become an argument, just point out when she's doing something negative or catty and then ask for her support. Hopefully she'll come around, and if not... then maybe just don't talk to her about the wedding at all and let her know that you'll be happy to spend more time with the family as soon as the "family" stops trying to make you ditch your other family members (which, even if you guys weren't getting married, your FI would still be your baby's father, hence... family member.)
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-against-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a188bea9-80c0-49b5-98d6-ed59f922956aPost:ce98ce03-c7d7-48f5-b6f3-42db42fa902f">Mom Against Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom is very against my wedding and it is getting to the point where I am not sure how I should handle it. I won't get into the whole long story of it, but my fiance and I have a 4 year old together and had split up when he was 18 months old. We had a 2 year custody battle and then reconciled. So there are valid reasons why she might feel bad feelings towards him; however, a lot has changed since then, including the both of us and our relationship with one another. I was not expecting her to pay for the wedding or anything, but she can't seem to keep from making katty comments to me (like suggesting we get married in Idaho where it may be easier to get a divorce). This is all compounded by the fact that my sister just had her wedding at my mom's house last summer. My mom basically ran the show, which was perfect since she is very controlling by nature. If my mom were straight out katty all the time it would be easy to tell her off. Instead she spends a lot of time voicing her concerns about wanting to be happy for me, but not being able to; feeling left out of the wedding; feeling like the event will just be one big party for my FI, since my family may not attend. My FI is still not welcome at my parent's house and she preemptively told me he is still not welcome over at Christmas. She acts like I am choosing him over the family, but it feels like she is trying to back me into that corner. I am sick of putting up with her snotty comments and I am not sure I want her there if she can't be supportive; however, many people in my family have been excommunicated for far less than this. I would hate to see this rift continue to the point that there is no fixing it. What should I do? Should I keep my mouth shut and hope things work themselves out with time, or <strong>should I tell her to stop with the comments even though she may explode and cut herself off from my life</strong>?
    Posted by Nutmeg112[/QUOTE]

    Unless your FI physically abused you or some kind of jobless slacker, I see no reason for your mom to be so snarky and mean.

     If it were me, I would call her out on how her not letting him come to her house is going to be a losing battle for her because you need to stick up for your FI. Same goes for the negative comments about your wedding, tell her it is not appreciated and that you will just not talk to her about your wedding. I know it is frustrating to do but you have to stand up to her.
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    orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's all about what you can handle. Honestly, if it were my mother, I would ask her to keep her opinions to herself and deal with the backlash from that. If you love the guy that should be enough for her. My grandmother hates my dad, but since my mom married him she keeps her mouth shut (to my mom that is..she talks to my aunts about him all the time ;) ).
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    edited December 2011
    Your mom's animosity toward your fiance stems from the way he treated you in the past. As a mom, I can tell you it would be hard for me to forgive someone who made my daughters life miserable. She is concerned about you and her grandchild.

    If you have brought your problems with him to your mom, then you are the one who needs to explain to her how he has changed. Sit down with mom and have a talk about how your fi is taking care of his responsibilities to you and your child. If you have been through relationship counseling, that might lend some credibility to your statement that the two of you have changed.





                       
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    edited December 2011
    It's hard, sometimes, as a mom.  Someday, when your child is grown, you will understand.  Your fiance hurt her baby, and in a huge way.  It will take some time to believe that he has your best interests at heart.  Shoot, it probably took a while for her not to want to run him over with a 30 ton earth mover.  Unfortunately, time is the only answer.  I hope it all works out well for you.
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    gailpetegailpete member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    MuffinsMom is wise. 

    No matter how old our children get, they are still our babies and heaven help the person that hurts them.  Based on the information in your post it sounds like you've been back together with your FI for about 6 months (after a 2 year custody battle and undoubtedly a period of problems in the relationship that led to the breakup originally).  It is going to take time for you and your FI to show her that you have both changed for the better, have dealt with the problems that caused you to breakup and are truly ready to make a lifelong mature committment to each other.  This is especially true if there was any physical or emotional abuse.

    But yourself in her place and think about how you would feel if someone did to your son what your FI did to you.

    Talk to her about how things have changed and how her actions are making you feel.  Ask what you can do to help her see that the marriage is a good idea.  The PPs idea of couples counseling would likely go a long way to help her see that you and FI are ready for marriage.
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    tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-against-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a188bea9-80c0-49b5-98d6-ed59f922956aPost:ce98ce03-c7d7-48f5-b6f3-42db42fa902f">Mom Against Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom is very against my wedding and it is getting to the point where I am not sure how I should handle it. I won't get into the whole long story of it, but my fiance and I have a 4 year old together and had split up when he was 18 months old. We had a 2 year custody battle and then reconciled. So there are valid reasons why she might feel bad feelings towards him; however, a lot has changed since then, including the both of us and our relationship with one another.
    <strong>This is a very mature statement.  DH and I broke up for a few years after dating for two.  He still takes all the blame for the breakup but during the years apart, I learned what I could have done differently.  Our relationship is stronger than ever because we broke up and know what life without the other is like.  I think you realize just how fragile a relationship is.
    </strong>
    I was not expecting her to pay for the wedding or anything, but she can't seem to keep from making katty comments to me (like suggesting we get married in Idaho where it may be easier to get a divorce). This is all compounded by the fact that my sister just had her wedding at my mom's house last summer. My mom basically ran the show, which was perfect since she is very controlling by nature. If my mom were straight out katty all the time it would be easy to tell her off. Instead she spends a lot of time voicing her concerns about wanting to be happy for me, but not being able to; feeling left out of the wedding; feeling like the event will just be one big party for my FI, since my family may not attend.
    <strong>Good Lord.  Are you sure you don't live in New Jersey because I could be working with your mom.  All one of my co-workers talks about is her ex-son-in-law.  Seriously.  For hours straight about things that are none of her business (her daughter and granddaughter still have a good relationship with him and the mom's biggest fear is that they'll get back together). 

    Sorry for the digression. You need to be straight with your mom that this is your decision and all she is doing is pushing you away from her.  I get that she is worried but what she's doing is trying to lay the guilt trip of a lifetime on you.  Take the moms advice on this board but stand your ground.

    </strong>My FI is still not welcome at my parent's house and she preemptively told me he is still not welcome over at Christmas. She acts like I am choosing him over the family, but it feels like she is trying to back me into that corner.
    <strong>Let her know that she is the one making that choice.  He's already part of the family as he is the father of her grandchild.  If she doesn't welcome him, she doesn't welcome you or your child.  She's choosing.
    </strong>
    I am sick of putting up with her snotty comments and I am not sure I want her there if she can't be supportive; however, many people in my family have been excommunicated for far less than this. I would hate to see this rift continue to the point that there is no fixing it. What should I do? Should I keep my mouth shut and hope things work themselves out with time, or should I tell her to stop with the comments even though she may explode and cut herself off from my life?
    <strong>You really need to talk to her.  If you don't, you'll be biting your tongue for decades and every Christmas (and every other holiday, birthday, etc.) she'll be forcing you to choose between her and your husband and this won't stop.

    More than anything though, I would strongly recommend premarital counseling for you and your FI.  If you can't afford a therapist, talk to a pastor or someone at your church who counsels couples.
    </strong>Posted by Nutmeg112[/QUOTE]
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    >>Shoot, it probably took a while for her not to want to run him over with a 30 ton earth mover. 

    This.
    And frankly, she probably does hear you talk about how things have changed, but she's still so very angry and disappointed that she dreams about the earth mover.
    My suggestion is to talk about all of this with your officiant, and ask the officiant to schedule a meeting with you, FI, and your mom - like it's just one more meeting that needs to happen, and have your officiant work on these issues with you all.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-against-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a188bea9-80c0-49b5-98d6-ed59f922956aPost:d6336493-bb69-457b-a6bd-0120c526dbf0">Re: Mom Against Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE] />>Shoot, it probably took a while for her not to want to run him over with a 30 ton earth mover.  This. And frankly, she probably does hear you talk about how things have changed, but she's still so very angry and disappointed that she dreams about the earth mover. My suggestion is to talk about all of this with your officiant, and ask the officiant to schedule a meeting with you, FI, and your mom - like it's just one more meeting that needs to happen, and have your officiant work on these issues with you all.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    I think this is very sound advice.  Even though you have worked out your issues with your FI, your mom still has some serious and understandable issues with him.  I think it would be VERY helpful if the 3 of you could sit down with an outside party (e.g., priest or therapist) and work through these issues before the wedding.
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