FMIL and Sister In Law

mls_mrnd

My question is my FMIL keeps trying to make the decisions in my wedding attire and theme.  She doesn't like any of my ideas and keeps trying to get me to change them.  I was asked by my fiance to include her in the wedding planning so I have but now she is getting on my nerves.  I put together a scrapbook of pictures and ideas for the wedding and emailed it to her. She then emailed it to my fiance and said look at this picture and remember your eldest uncle and aunts will be there and this is your wife's first impression!  (I actually saw this email in his email account is how I found out).  My fiance is now questioning my colors and ideas.  I am starting to just get very irritated and I don't want to come off rude to his mother.

The other issue is with his sister and his mother is pushing my fiance to get me to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid.  His sister was freaking rude when I told her about our date she said that date doesn't work in her schedule and that if I move forward with that date she will not be able to attend since her daughter is in gymnastics and she pays a lot money for her to compete and will not miss a meet.  Really do I have to ask her to be in it?  My fiance keeps telling me if I don't ask that it will just cause issues but I mean why should I, she complained about the wedding from the get go.

MairePoppy

Your fmil is sneaky! Don't send her anymore info, other than what is absolutely necessary. Tell fi you saw the email and if he wants to marry his mother, then she can pick the colors and plan their wedding.

It's important to your fi to include his sister in the wedding party. So, he should ask her to be one of HIS attendants. She could wear the same dress as the bridesmaids, in the same or different color or a dress that matches the groomsmen (a black dress to match black tuxes, for instance). She can stand on his side during the ceremony. That should satisfy your fi's family.

barbie92

I agree with everything Marie said!
If it is so importat to him that she is in the wedding then she should stand on his side!
Uhh silly FMILs....
My FMIL sent part of a text to my FI and made it look really bad....so I refuse to text her anymore...everything is on a phone call!

deepcovejackie

Yep, as usual I agree with Maire!

noelwellin

Does your FI always immediately jump to their defense, or does he come to your defense often, as well?  

I would just have her as a BM.  You have to deal with these people forever, and it could be seen as extending an olive branch.  As for MIL, why not ask if she wants to go shopping for a MOG dress one day, and you guys can go out to lunch, too?  

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a1cd161b-26a4-4e15-96c4-2e2eb6fc3d42Post:98b19c3f-55bf-41e0-a0c0-66ef003db0f2">FMIL and Sister In Law</a>:
[QUOTE]My question is my FMIL keeps trying to make the decisions in my wedding attire and theme.  She doesn't like any of my ideas and keeps trying to get me to change them.<strong>  I was asked by my fiance to include her in the wedding planning so I have but now she is getting on my nerves.</strong>  I put together a scrapbook of pictures and ideas for the wedding and emailed it to her. She then emailed it to my fiance and said look at this picture and remember your eldest uncle and aunts will be there and this is your wife's first impression!  (I actually saw this email in his email account is how I found out). <strong> My fiance is now questioning my colors and ideas.</strong>  I am starting to just get very irritated and I don't want to come off rude to his mother. The other issue is with his sister and his mother is pushing my fiance to get me to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid.  His sister was freaking rude when I told her about our date she said that date doesn't work in her schedule and that if I move forward with that date she will not be able to attend since her daughter is in gymnastics and she pays a lot money for her to compete and will not miss a meet.  Really do I have to ask her to be in it?  <strong>My fiance keeps telling me if I don't ask that it will just cause issues</strong> but I mean why should I, she complained about the wedding from the get go.
Posted by mls_mrnd@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

You don't have IL problems. You do have a huge FI problem though. He sounds like a momma's boy. You really want to marry one of those?

redheadtmk

I agree with PP's. You have a FI problem. He should be planning the wedding with you, not his mother. And  his sister can stand on his side if it is important for her to be in it.

StephieBow

You need to get your FI on your side.  She has a daughter and that was the wedding she got to plan and help with, not yours.  Your FI needs to stand up for you and what you want - if she cannot be supportive or at least constructive than she doesn't have a right to be involved. Bottom line. I agree with the above, you have a FI problem.

I'm really luckly that my FMIL is very supportive and very hands off... I have included her in everything but, she's never said a bad word about anything. I also have my FSIL in my wedding party .... mainly because my FI and I traded siblings... It was important for me to have my brother and he felt it was important to have his sister so, we traded..... now that said, if you really don't like her and she'll cause you issues don't do it but, sometimes it can be good for family unity and togetherness OR if she has kids (which I think you said she does) have them as flower girls/ring bearers in place of his sister - that way her family is included but you don't have her specifically.

Good luck, sounds like this is a big headache!

MissyCee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-sister-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a1cd161b-26a4-4e15-96c4-2e2eb6fc3d42Post:fa263291-0bb8-446c-9f31-15f1ad28a511">Re: FMIL and Sister In Law</a>:
[QUOTE]Your fmil is sneaky! Don't send her anymore info, other than what is absolutely necessary. Tell fi you saw the email and if he wants to marry his mother, then she can pick the colors and plan their wedding. It's important to your fi to include his sister in the wedding party. So, he should ask her to be one of HIS attendants. She could wear the same dress as the bridesmaids, in the same or different color or a dress that matches the groomsmen (a black dress to match black tuxes, for instance). She can stand on his side during the ceremony. That should satisfy your fi's family.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Yep, totally agree. It's YOUR wedding with your FI, his mom can be included in your ideas but she shouldn't be telling you what to decide. Stay firm to what you and your FI want and don't give in.

I also want to ask, are you sure this man is going to put you first in all things? Does he do that now? It sounds like he's ok with taking his mom's side and letting her influence him and that will not magically change when there's a ring on his finger. Just be sure that you are his first priority before committing yourself to him, you don't want to be married to someone who puts his mom first, it will be a miserable exsistence for you.

ckonidak

OP, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. PP's are 100% right. FI needs to deal with his family, especially if they are rude to you. Also, FSIL should stand on FI's side, this way she's included but not on your side.

I too agree that your FI probably needs to be sat down for a chat. He is marrying you. YOU. Not his mom, or his sister. You two together are starting a life together and need to be able to openly communicate without someone choosing sides, and he needs to make sure his mom knows that undermining you and making you look bad to him is not going to be tolerated. Other poster's are right,  you're going to be miserable with him if this is how he's treating you right now. :-( I hope it's just a weird blip in his behavior, and I hope he fixes it quickly.

Good luck

jcamm11

I agree with all of what PP's have said UNLESS FMIL is paying for some of this wedding.  Those who pay get a say.

Would you be able to link a pic of the scrapbook you sent your fmil?  Just curios what she thinks would give a bad impression of you to her relatives.  That seems really extreme.

ETA: even if she is paying, she is def being extremely rude about the fact her tastes clash with your own, and your FI should really tell her that's not cool.