FMIL

bethphillips2

This post has been edited

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-future-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a206faae-f26d-40c2-87ba-f528e66452baPost:eceaf11b-e1ea-496c-b327-bd1bb3f7d9e9">Meddling Future Mother in Law</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi there, I love most things about my future mother in law, and the things I don't love I can deal with.  It's really not bad.  But, she (and my future father in law) did do something rather questionable last weekend, and I'm not sure how to handle it.  My fiance and I are having a somewhat destination wedding (a few hours from our town).  We visited the venue this last weekend and had a full tour organized with the manager.  It was great, and I'm so excited!  However, just before we arrive for our meeting and tour, my fiance informed me that his parents had actually decided to visit the venue the previous weekend, but didn't want me to know!  His mom didn't want me to feel like she was overstepping.  I felt a little weird about this - it would not have bothered me if they had been upfront and said "You know, we really love that area, and decided to drive up for the day and take a look around".  But they hid this information from me!  To make matters worse, during the tour we met with the local hotel who would hold a room block for us, and the woman asked when our wedding date would be.  When I told her, she said "Oh, wait, were your parents here last weekend?  They were asking about this date too"!!  It just made me feel so weird, especially because the place is rather small and they were poking around unannounced (and there was a wedding going on!). Should I say anything - tactfully - about her involvement?  I'm also a little upset that my fiance didn't tell me until just before the tour, even though he knew they'd planned it for a while.  That's a different issue though... Thanks for your insight!
Posted by bethphillips2[/QUOTE]

I pick C -- let your FI deal with his parents. Any boundaries that need to be set with his family need to be set by him, not you.

banana468

I'm with Ziti.

The issue here that baffles me more is that he didn't tell you.

aerinpegadrak

I think that your future husband knowingly keeping information from you is a monumentally larger problem than any meddling his mother might be trying.  Were I in your shoes, we wouldn't be shopping for wedding venues for a while, if at all, until we'd worked out that little issue.

bethphillips2

Thanks for the replies! 

lisaandcorey

Hmmm...mom asking him not to tell you is weird. Making him agree not to tell you indicates that she felt what she was doing was wrong and/or would upset you.  It also says that she thinks it is ok for him to keep things from you, his fiancee and future wife.  I would be mindful of her behavior. 

lharri12

My FI always tells his mother (and everyone else for that matter), that he cannot promise to keep something from me, unless it's a gift or some other good surprise.  It's not a good idea to start a precedent of keeping secrets.

lisaandcorey

I'd also like to add that you may want to rethink her involvement.  You did not specify how much she is involved, but you might want to tell her about certain things AFTER you and your fiance have made final decisions. 

If you leave room for her opinions or ideas, you might be leaving yourself open to unnecessary struggles.  If you can get your fiance to agree to keep the planning between the two of you, you should be fine.  This is your wedding - not Christmas dinner.

My fiance and I have been planning and then telling close family members information only after they ask.  This has worked out pretty well because we decided not to let others plan our wedding.

bethphillips2

Good tip about staying mum until after the fact.  I will practice this one. 

lisaandcorey

Sounds like you have a good support system and have things under control.

When my fiance and I first started planning, I was eager to ask everyone their opinion and input.  When his mother suggested inviting 40 relatives (relatives he has never met), doing a potluck reception and some other wackiness, we decided to keep our lips sealed to certain family members.  When she offers unsolicited opinions, I always respond with, "thank you. we will think about it."

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_meddling-future-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a206faae-f26d-40c2-87ba-f528e66452baPost:6e9b9db2-570f-4276-8a4e-bd413255a597">Re: Meddling Future Mother in Law</a>:
[QUOTE]Luckily most of my FMIL's energy and opinions are positive.  I honestly think they were just so excited about the venue themselves that they couldn't wait to hear about it from us.  <strong>So, I'm not too worried about her opinions swaying anything</strong>.  She has stated numerous times that she doesn't want to step on my toes.  **One other detail I didn't mention.  My mom died 4 years ago, so a lot of the planning is with me and FI with help from my best friend/sister.  No MOB (although there is a step-mother of the bride...but she's less involved as this is a new relationship -- but a good one).  Anyhow, my FMIL is treading lightly for a couple reasons, which I really appreciate.  Good tip about staying mum until after the fact.  I will practice this one.  :D
Posted by bethphillips2[/QUOTE]

Then worry about the fact that your fiance keeps secrets from you.

bethsmiles

The FMIL issue is nothing and I think you are overreacting to it, its not like she really did anything other than just look around. Its the FI issue you need to worry about. If I were you I would have a LONG talk about how that all went down. He shouldn't keep secrets from you.

TheCranberry

I think it's weird that FMIL would want to see the venue before you guys did and that she'd keep it a secret from you.  Would you have cared if she was upfront about seeing it before you?

I agree with PP's that you need to talk to your FI about keeping secrets.  When his mom told him to keep a secret from you, he should have stopped her and said that he does not keep secrets from you and that she shouldn't tell him whatever it is if she didn't want you told.  Of course, there's the caveat for good surprises or info that doesn't concern you or your FI. 

Does he really not see why his keeping a secret was problematic?  This isn't a huge or very harmful secret, but the behavior is worrying.

kpwedkk

I agree with previous posters - Let it be... and stop giving wedding information out as public knowledge, and to the poll C - let your fiance deal with his parents...

It is worrysome that your fiance has this kind of behavior of keeping secrets... You might want to have a sitdown conversation with him as well..

Hope it works out in your favor!