Cutting Down the Bridal Party

AshleyErin83

Hello;

I've been engaged since June, and when we started planning my Fiance and I had many, many ideas about our wedding and we were all ready to plan a wedding with a larger guest list, etc.  I was also planning to have EIGHT bridesmaids and two junior bridesmads.  Unfortunately, we have come to grips with the fact that our ideal wedding isn't going to be one that puts us in debt for the next 20 years, and we have had to cut our guest list.  With the smaller guest list, many people have suggested I shrink my Bridal Party....  I am completely torn because I do realize that with the smaller number of guests, the enormous bridal party is a bit out of place.  But how do I explain this to the girls who want to be involved as bridesmaids?  I've had some serious issues with a couple since my engagement due to them expressing a very strong opinion, not caring how I feel, etc.  But I still don't want to be mean....  Any thoughts?

Thanks!

mgietler76

If you've already chosen your BM's than you cannot "cut down" any of them without ending the friendship. There is nothing wrong with having a large WP, or uneven sides, or no WP. Choose the people who are dear to you and want to stand beside you on your wedding day. Remember that nobody will be as excited for your wedding as you are, and the only "duties" your BM's have is to get a dress and show up clean and sober on the wedding day. THAT IS ALL

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:73d94ae8-8673-412a-8ab8-d0f1d1df9416">Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello; I've been engaged since June, and when we started planning my Fiance and I had many, many ideas about our wedding and we were all ready to plan a wedding with a larger guest list, etc.  I was also planning to have EIGHT bridesmaids and two junior bridesmads.  Unfortunately, we have come to grips with the fact that our ideal wedding isn't going to be one that puts us in debt for the next 20 years, and we have had to cut our guest list.  With the smaller guest list, many people have suggested I shrink my Bridal Party....  I am completely torn because I do realize that with the smaller number of guests, the enormous bridal party is a bit out of place.  But how do I explain this to the girls who want to be involved as bridesmaids?  I've had some serious issues with a couple since my engagement due to them expressing a very strong opinion, not caring how I feel, etc.  But I still don't want to be mean....  Any thoughts? Thanks!
Posted by AshleyErin83[/QUOTE]

<div>If you already ask them to be BMs then just leave it, if anyone says anything directly to you just say, "we picked our wedding party when we thought we had a large guest list but since we had to cut down I'm not going to cut my friends that I already asked, I care about them too much." </div><div>
</div><div>As for the issue with a couple, I don't know what opinion they are expressing but unless its something really nasty I would ignore the comments. </div>

rxjen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:73d94ae8-8673-412a-8ab8-d0f1d1df9416">Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello; I've been engaged since June, and when we started planning my Fiance and I had many, many ideas about our wedding and we were all ready to plan a wedding with a larger guest list, etc.  I was also planning to have EIGHT bridesmaids and two junior bridesmads.  Unfortunately, we have come to grips with the fact that our ideal wedding isn't going to be one that puts us in debt for the next 20 years, and we have had to cut our guest list.  With the smaller guest list, many people have suggested I shrink my Bridal Party....  I am completely torn because I do realize that with the smaller number of guests, the enormous bridal party is a bit out of place.  But how do I explain this to the girls who want to be involved as bridesmaids?  I've had some serious issues with a couple since my engagement due to them expressing a very strong opinion, not caring how I feel, etc.  But I still don't want to be mean....  Any thoughts? Thanks!
Posted by AshleyErin83[/QUOTE]

This is the reason why people should not ask people to be in their weddings  till 6 to 8 months before the wedding.....You are stuck with them!

AshleyErin83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:86d1c8fb-4649-4d76-ad8a-6a9315bdbbb5">Re: Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]If you've already chosen your BM's than you cannot "cut down" any of them without ending the friendship. There is nothing wrong with having a large WP, or uneven sides, or no WP. Choose the people who are dear to you and want to stand beside you on your wedding day. Remember that nobody will be as excited for your wedding as you are, and the only "duties" your BM's have is to get a dress and show up clean and sober on the wedding day. THAT IS ALL
Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]


<p>Okay, I agree that you can not un-ask people...  I didn't ask - people who asked me to be their bridesmaids made assumptions, but I wasn't worried because I DO want to be around the people I care about on my wedding day.  I also think the people who have all of these "RULES" about the ratio of guests to wedding party forgot to wake up and realize it's 2010... :)  So I appreciate the input that there is nothing wrong with the size of my wedding party!

However, in the quoted text above, what is with the attitude about bridesmaids' "DUTIES" - I said nothing in reference to expectations or duties so why even write that??

The differences of opinion are surrounding dresses - I have been told I'm selfish if I choose dresses other than the cheapest ones in existence.  I am not sure how to approach that, since I chose a collection of dresses which has a great variety and I chose color and length, leaving all the rest up to the girls.   This is what other brides have done when I was a bridesmaid, so I'm not sure why I should feel bad.....</p>

AshleyErin83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:b41b5d27-24c4-45f6-8c63-3f1e1fc9ff23">Re: Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't kick them out without ending the friendship, as I told you on the other board. The ones who got cut will wonder why they weren't good enough, regardless of how it's phrased. Ask them all how much they're prepared to spend, then select some styles in that price range. If they protest, tell them that this is what they told you they could afford. Then let it go. Anyone who doesn't get their dress will have taken themselves out of the WP, although it's really too early to  shop for attire now anyway.  Your wedding isn't 'until August of next year, and expecting people to shell out now for a dress that will just hang in their closet for almost a year is asking a lot of a friend.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thank YOU!  Your response has been understanding, and I totally appreciate the input!!  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

mgietler76

If you didn't ask anyone yet than don't worry your BP, if someone asks you just say that you haven't decided yet or that you have already chosen you girls and leave it at that.

Did you ask your girls for their budget? Maybe they feel like the dresses you like are out of their price range. Pick a designer/ fabric / Color / length and let your girls choose a dress from there to keep the peace. You wedding is still 9 months away, you don't need to be even looking at dresses this early.

The comment about duties was basically a JIC kinda thing.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:f71aaa7d-de2a-4281-9559-7c7f33f400a3">Re: Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cutting Down the Bridal Party : Okay, I agree that you can not un-ask people...  I didn't ask - people who asked me to be their bridesmaids made assumptions, but I wasn't worried because I DO want to be around the people I care about on my wedding day.  I also think the people who have all of these "RULES" about the ratio of guests to wedding party forgot to wake up and realize it's 2010... :)  So I appreciate the input that there is nothing wrong with the size of my wedding party! However, in the quoted text above, what is with the attitude about bridesmaids' "DUTIES" - I said nothing in reference to expectations or duties so why even write that?? The differences of opinion are surrounding dresses - I have been told I'm selfish if I choose dresses other than the cheapest ones in existence.  I am not sure how to approach that, since I chose a collection of dresses which has a great variety and I chose color and length, leaving all the rest up to the girls.   This is what other brides have done when I was a bridesmaid, so I'm not sure why I should feel bad.....
Posted by AshleyErin83[/QUOTE]

Well not every BP is in always in the same situation. If you have a range of dresses and several girls are telling you their options are still too expensive, then they're expensive dresses. It's not about what you arbritrarily think is expensive, it's about their budgets. If that means a $50 dress, then so be it. Wouldn't you rather have them up there in a $50 dress and happy then in a $150 dress and miserable because they had to max out a credit card or something for it?

Beachy730

OP- While you may not have technically asked them to be BMs yet, I'm assuming you've spoken to them about it if they're referring to what kind of dresses you're picking and what not.  If you've made any references to them being a BM, I think thats good enough to be considered asking them. 

Can I ask what your guest list is at now?  While it is 2010 and WP can be of any size, I think its very odd to have a huge WP with a very small guest list.  I'm in a wedding next year where the WP is literally 1/4 of all the guests.  Everyone in the family is talking about how ridiculous that is.  But everyone is entitled to their own opinions.  However, if you're really trying to cut costs, the more BMs you have the more you'll spend on bouquets, boutonnieres, and WP gifts.  Just something else to keep in mind.

aerinpegadrak

We had to cut our guest list down from about 175 to 50.  11 of those people were attendants (one couldn't end up making it).  I wouldn't have done it any other way.  Our ceremony ended up being sort of an oblong in-the-round setup, so, as you can see from the pictures in my bio, you can't even really tell that the guest list was so small, because the only people you see in the pictures are the attendants.  If you have a more conventional ceremony setup, the WP can be seated in the front row.

As for what other people are suggesting, who cares?  They can butt out.  More politely, you can say, "It may not be ideal, but we asked these people because we couldn't imagine getting married without them there, and that's more important than how things look, isn't it?"

stephasuasu

I love when people say that if you ask some one to step down from your wedding, then you will end a friendship. Such drama!! Is it that horrific of an experience to be asked to step down? Does one need counseling after such an incident?

Ashley, do you or your fiance have sisters, brothers, or close cousins? I think a group of girls (your bridesmaids) who have not made any investments would understand if your financial situation changed and now you only will have family stand up since your guest list shrank. That is not something that I can imagine a woman taking personally.

If you do decide to keep your large wedding party, then do not feel guilty about wanting an expensive bridesmaid dress. Bridemaids know that they are making a financial commitment to the wedding when they agree to stand up. Also, if your friends know your personal style, then they will also knot that you aren't going to go with some crap cheapo dress. Do what you want girl!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:0f9ed3eb-9ef9-44ad-8004-a5e61310337b">Re: Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]I love when people say that if you ask some one to step down from your wedding, then you will end a friendship. Such drama!! Is it that horrific of an experience to be asked to step down? Does one need counseling after such an incident? Ashley, do you or your fiance have sisters, brothers, or close cousins? I think a group of girls (your bridesmaids) who have not made any investments would understand if your financial situation changed and now you only will have family stand up since your guest list shrank. That is not something that I can imagine a woman taking personally. If you do decide to keep your large wedding party, then do not feel guilty about wanting an expensive bridesmaid dress. Bridemaids know that they are making a financial commitment to the wedding when they agree to stand up. Also, if your friends know your personal style, then they will also knot that you aren't going to go with some crap cheapo dress. Do what you want girl!
Posted by stephasuasu[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>*sniff sniff* Do I smell troll?</div><div>
</div>

stephasuasu

It sounds like this bride is changing her entire wedding game plan. Family and friends will just need to cope with it, and I am sure they will. The goal is to see the couple happy, and not debt ridden for years to come. Since it is a big group being cut out, it is obvious that no one is being directly targeted for some petty reason. I cannot imagine this woman's friends not being there for her if the above definition of "drama" were to happen all because they weren't in her wedding.....

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:801da115-7919-40dd-b72c-c8938282394b">Re: Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like this bride is changing her entire wedding game plan. Family and friends will just need to cope with it, and I am sure they will. The goal is to see the couple happy, and not debt ridden for years to come. Since it is a big group being cut out, it is obvious that <strong>no one is being directly targeted for some petty reason</strong>. I cannot imagine this woman's friends not being there for her if the above definition of "drama" were to happen all because they weren't in her wedding.....
Posted by stephasuasu[/QUOTE]

<div>Unless they JOP, then no, them cutting their guest list is NOT a valid reason to cut their friends and family. They asked them and now they need to keep them, despite their realization of the cost of wedding and downsizing the guest lists. You don't ask people based on your size of your guest list, you decide on who you want next to you. Once again cutting people is NOT a good feeling for anyone, there is so much potential hurt feelings by the person being cut that it is never worth it. I have never heard of a good story of a person being kicked out or cut from the wedding party.</div>

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cutting-down-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a290f0ab-e211-4839-aca0-abda131e8e36Post:801da115-7919-40dd-b72c-c8938282394b">Re: Cutting Down the Bridal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like this bride is changing her entire wedding game plan. Family and friends will just need to cope with it, and I am sure they will. The goal is to see the couple happy, and not debt ridden for years to come. Since it is a big group being cut out,<strong> it is obvious that no one is being directly targeted for some petty reason</strong>. I cannot imagine this woman's friends not being there for her if the above definition of "drama" were to happen all because they weren't in her wedding.....
Posted by stephasuasu[/QUOTE]
Actually, they're being targeted for an extremely petty reason.  Just because it's not personal doesn't mean it's not petty.

A WP does not have to be expensive.  Look for gifts on eBay or on sale, choose cheap flowers or non-floral options, do a cheap and casual rehearsal dinner or skip both rehearsal and dinner, skip the limo and carpool, be flexible with attire so you're not on the hook to pay for anything.  Yes, there are definite costs for the couple per attendant, but it's also fairly trivial to reduce or eliminate those costs.  A tight budget does not excuse treating your friends poorly.