Difficult Mom

xtina01

Help!!  I don't know what to do about my mother!  We have always been very close, but she is being overly controlling regarding every aspect of my wedding from the flowers to the cake to the invitations to the place cards!  My opinion literally doesn't matter because when I tell her one thing she does the opposite.  I have been trying to keep things as cheap and budget friendly as possible this entire planning process because my parents are paying for more than half of the wedding and I have felt gulity about that.  She keeps trying to make things bigger and more elaborate than they need to be and I just wish that she would listen and respect what I am trying to say because I have good intentions.  Instead we end up fighting...I feel like she is planning the party she wants.  Which I get because she is paying for the reception, but at the same time shouldn't my fiancee and I have an opinion about our wedding???

Anybody else having similar problems??

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-mom-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a3d15ff4-9128-4175-8804-42c246ad3896Post:c58a24f0-3efb-45bb-8531-62b608be8440">Difficult Mom</a>:
[QUOTE]Help!!  I don't know what to do about my mother!  We have always been very close, but she is being overly controlling regarding every aspect of my wedding from the flowers to the cake to the invitations to the place cards!  My opinion literally doesn't matter because when I tell her one thing she does the opposite.  I have been trying to keep things as cheap and budget friendly as possible this entire planning process because my parents are paying for more than half of the wedding and I have felt gulity about that.  She keeps trying to make things bigger and more elaborate than they need to be and I just wish that she would listen and respect what I am trying to say because I have good intentions.  Instead we end up fighting...I feel like she is planning the party she wants.  <strong>Which I get because she is paying for the reception, but at the same time shouldn't my fiancee and I have an opinion about our wedding??? </strong>Anybody else having similar problems??
Posted by xtina01[/QUOTE]
The sad truth is, her money means her party.  Ideally she'd be taking your requests into account, but it's not like there's anyone that can force her to.  If you want to take back control, decline her financial contribution and host the party you can afford.

xtina01

I agree with you.  We have been saving money, but we are not exactly financially stable yet.  I am still in grad school and my fiancee just started working.  They always tolds my sisters and I that they would give a certain amount of money for our weddings.  I am just frustrated, but grateful at the same time. *sigh*

joiner521

Yes! My mom thinks it is her day. My FI and I are paying for it. She is trying to plan my Bachelorette party. She needs to butt out.

SaraAndrew2010

Since your mom is paying for a lot of the wedding, she probably just feels like she wants to do things right.  I know my parents and ILs both contributed to our wedding and my MIL was very concerned that nothing come off as cheap.

Kniblet

Sadly, if she is paying a lot of the expense, she gets to have a lot of say in how everything comes together.

AdeleDazeem

Clarification question: Are you and your fiance paying for the other half?  As in, this is the grand total of the wedding and splitting it in half?  If so, I think you have a right to say how your money is being spent. 

I have been trying to keep costs down for my parents, as they are paying for my entire wedding.  I research and make suggestions on cheaper ways. 

For example, I designed and printed our invitations.  They look awesome and my mom loves them.  I saved quite a bit of money by doing things this way.  What does she say after I tell her the final price?  "Let's get the invtiations calligraphied!"  I thought I had just saved you guys some money...?  Now we're going to spend that on calligraphy...? 

I've had to realize it's their money to spend as they wish.  She wants the wedding to be beautiful and when she feels I've picked a cheap option, then she's going to go with the nicer option that she can afford.

But I think you guys need a clearer picture of who is paying for what so you can voice your opinions in a constructive way.

[Deleted User]

Ditto pp's. Whoever pays, has a say. That is why I am so glad my Mom wasn't involved in planning our wedding nor did she pay for any of it b/c I know I would have been dealing with the exact same thing.

mskeyalum07

Im a DIY person, my mother is not so a lot of the thing presented to her were mach ups of what I did and something from a vendor. Most of the time she went with the vendor till I told her the cost. If you're still in the early stages of planning get the important stuff done when the cost become extreme trust me she will start to scale back.

mikeynkrib2011

if you're paying for half, you definitely get a say!

i would suggest sitting down with her and going over the list of what needs to be paid for, and dividing that up into you pay vs. she pays.

for ex:  mom pays for reception........you pay for reception decor 
         
and so on.  this way, you still get a say. 

DNAtime

Agree with PPs. If she is paying she gets to say. However if she is not paying for everything, have a budget talk and discuss exactly what she is paying for.

Then just fight about that stuff, and do the other stuff the way you want.  You may have to start compromising and letting her have things she wants.  Sometimes if you concede something, they will concede some things for you. 

If you really want your opinion to matter, you have to pay for it yourself. 

vicki0508

OP said that her mom is paying for the reception, so that means mom gets to plan the reception, unfortunately.

StephieBow

I don't agree that just because a mom is paying means she gets to plan every last detail.  My parents are contributing the most, follwed by FIs parents and FI and I are also paying a good chunk. 

My mom has opinions, lots of them... but she knows I'll fight her on the stuff that is really important to me.  The fact she bough silver candles instead of ivory like I wanted? Not worth fighting over.  My centre pieces however I will fight to it's death to get what I want! I think you might need to chat with your mom and let your voice be heard - it is still YOUR wedding!

yoko2011

I think part of it is that it is reflection of her (good bad or in different). I've found picking your battles works best and explaining why you want x,y,z goes a long way. We fought hard for open bar and won, (my parents don't drink, dad didn't understand why I was concerned about booze), he hated my cupcakes favor idea (we got fancy little pastries instead), vista print invites (nice but not fancy enough) because they thought it'd be a reflection of them.

So maybe make a list of what you want, what you can live with  (willing to compromise) as far as where their money is concerned and go from there. Or clearly state you want x. Your money is going to X. If they want y they can pay for y.
 
GL

amex0107

I'm in the same boat!  I understand they are paying for it.  I would change that if I could, but I have been unemployed for a year.  Funny, my mom pushed for us to get a planner, which I'm pleased we did.  She has been great!  But now my mom is complaining that she's not involved because we have a planner now.  My mom also paid an absurd amount of money (twice as much as my dress) for cake toppers.  We aren't even having cake toppers! And those dolls aren't going any where near the cake.  I hate dolls!  Anyways, I could vent forever.  Good luck with everything!