Moms and Maids

all OOT bridesmaids!

All of my bridesmaids live out of town from where our wedding is (where I grew up & where my parents live). One of them lives in the same city that I do currently (3 hours away from my parents). Most of the "major" wedding planning,  decision making, & events will probably be in the city where our wedding is at. 

My question is -- what all did you involve your bridesmaids in? I do not want to inconvenience any of them into thinking I need them to travel to where I live or where the wedding is to help out with all of the big events. All of the girls are very busy with school, careers, etc which I am very understanding of. 

If 1 or all 4 can make it to the wedding dress shopping, that's awesome. If only 1 or even nobody can make it I understand (as I will have my mother, other family and friends available). 

For bridesmaids dresses I'm thinking of picking out a few ideas I like, talking with my maid of honor, and then letting the others pick from there (so if we can't all get together to do a group "dress shopping trip" I'm fine with that). 

The most important things where I want us all to be available is the shower & bachelorette party (which will probably take place in the same weekend) & the day or two leading up to our wedding. Other than that I want it to be up to them and their availability. 

Has anyone else planned a wedding like this? Is this odd? I'm so excited & lucky to have these ladies as part of my big day but don't want them to think they need to be available whenever I call. I want to leave that up to them. 
Does anyone have any thoughts, experiences, or suggestions on this? Any ideas for what I can do to make this "long distance planning/event" more fun for us all? 

Thanks! :) 
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Re: all OOT bridesmaids!

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    My DD had NO local BMs.  Neither did my DIL.  Both of them planned and executed their own weddings with the assistance of their DH's and moms.  It's just not all that complicated.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I didn't involve my BM in any of the planning because it's not their wedding.  DH helped with whatever I asked him to and I asked my MIL to help with our cake lady (only because they're next door neighbors).  

    As for the dress shopping.  I asked if my girls wanted to join me (when I was in their town or when they were visiting me) and if they didn't want to come, it wasn't a big deal.  I went with a couple of them to shop for their dress but I let them pick whatever they wanted as long as it was a certain color and length.  The other girls shopped by themselves.
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  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    None of my WP lives where I live, and none lives where the wedding is either.  I haven't involved them in anything.  I went dress shopping with other people, and I picked out the BM dresses online, and just sent them a link to make sure they were all ok with it.  I gave them 3 choices to pick from, and ordered them all for them.  I am not having a bach party, and while the girls will all be invited to my shower, I don't expect any of them to attend.  I do not expect any help with any planning or other projects whatsoever.
    Married 10/2/10
  • edited December 2011
    Only my MOH is local, of 7 BMs, 3 are out of the country (well, one just came back). My sister (MOH) went with me to pick out bridesmaid dresses and the others just kind of went with it. My sister also called DJs for me one day which was so nice of her.

    Other than that my BMs haven't been involved in the wedding planning.
  • edited December 2011
    AllysOop...I have the exact same situation going on and I did the exact same thing you are planning to do.

    Until 4 months ago I lived in the same city as one of my MOH's but not the other 4 BM's. Now my FI and I are living near the wedding location (where a lot of my family lives but not where I grew up). We are approx. a 9 hour drive to my closest BM's...some are even further away than that.

    Deciding on the BM dress was the most difficult part but it didn't have to be. I was just being a bit indecisive and was wanting to please everyone while still having them all in the same dress. In the end, I was able to meet up with each of them to look for dresses (at different times and in different stores). One of my MOH's and I found the perfect dress together and all of the other BM's were happy with it so that's what we ordered.

    Otherwise, my BM's haven't had much to do with the wedding planning. They weren't able to make it to my bridal shower (in fact, I'm not even sure they were invited. :S )

    They are, however, planning my bachelorette party next weekend (we're traveling back to our former city of residence for that). They are also coming out to our wedding location two days before the wedding to help decorate and be present for the rehearsal etc.

    My mom passed away over 8 years ago and my FI's mom lives far away. We haven't had any members of the wedding party or any immediate family help with any details of the wedding. However, a lot of my extended family members (aunts and cousins) have helped out a ton by preparing wedding food with us (we're making a lot of the traditional dishes we're serving) and throwing a bridal shower for me. Their help has been wonderful and very much appreciated!!!

    So I don't think it's odd at all. I didn't choose my bridal party for their ability or willingness to help with the wedding (although I know some brides do that). I chose them because of how close they are to my heart and who they are to me. It sounds like you've done the same.

    The only thing I do suggest is, if you're not expecting them to help with any of the wedding planning, to choose your "wedding talk" wisely when having conversations with them. That way they won't feel inadequate as BM's. A few of my BM's are more interested in helping, even at a distance, than others. When they ask me what they can help with or how the planning is going, I tell them. For those who are maybe not as into the wedding planning, I don't talk about it as much.

    This is your wedding and, as excited as you are about it, they probably won't have the same enthusiasm. And it's important to remember that you will still have a lifetime to live AFTER the wedding as well. It's important to maintain your friendships even afterwards and not just because of the wedding. :)

    Have fun wedding planning!
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with everyone here.  You, and they, will be happier if you have no epectations,  Invite them to whatever with love and if they can't do it accept their regrets with love too.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Most of my girls were out of town.  As far as dresses, I just told them to wear something black.  The shower and bachelorette party didn't happen, because money was so tight for everyone that it would have been way out of line for me to ask them to travel a second time just for a party.

    As far as other planning, I occasionally talked to the girls online, but mainly DH and I did the planning.  Since it was, you know, our wedding.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Everyone in our WP, including us, lived OOT from the wedding.  They didn't help us plan.  DH and I did it with the assistance of our parents who did live near the wedding.  You will be just fine :)
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  • emjohn1019emjohn1019 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    All of my BM are OOT, too.  I was worried about how to handle all of it, but a recent change in wedding plans made it a lot easier. I've picked out the BM dresses I like. There are about 5 to choose from. I'm letting the MOH choose her fave 3 and then letting them discuss by email/phone/whatever which dress they will wear. We're not doing any pre-wedding hoopla - maybe one bridal shower thrown by the MOH where she lives (my hometown), but that makes it easy on them for coordination. No bachelorette party, either.

    I'm certain your circumstances aren't like mine, but I find if you let go of what the wedding and planning is "supposed to be" you find a lot more peace. My BM are OOT and my mother is not involved in the planning, so I'm learning to enjoy the process of getting my dress alone and doing the normal BM/MOB tasks with my fiance. We're making stationary together and selecting linens, etc. It makes the process about us and it feels so special this way.

    Good luck!
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