Moms and Maids

FMIL

Okay, so I don't know what to do. My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years.  Finally got engaged last summer.  My FMIL and I got a long great all the way up until about 2 years ago.  The only problem I really had with her was around the holidays, she would pout when we wouldn't spend all day with them, I knew around then she was overly opinionated, intrusive, manipulating, and just nuts.  It was all minor until the wedding planning started.  She called him all the time, to just talk.  She called one year on Valentines day at 6 30, it was on a thurs, both him and I worked till 5.  She just called to see what he was doing for me on Valentines day.  Really?  What do you think most people do on Valentines day at 6 30? Eat dinner.  Anyway, thats just an example...When she started getting crazy was when my FBIL was getting married.  She made my FSIL feel like the crazy one.  She pryed into their business, and would find out about their arguements and hold them against my FSIL.  My FSIL was at her parents one night, and my FMIL drove over to their house and told her she needed some professional help.  Seriously!  She forgot that their are 3 sides to every story, and I've heard both of their sides, and really from a biased point of view, they were both at fault, not just the FSIL.  But her son's are perfect.  Needless to say, my FSIL and my FBIL have had fall outs over the last two years and most of them revolved around his mom, the other around martial affairs.  I always thought she really liked me, and I wasn't too sure, I always just remained open minded because my FMIL made herself out to be the innocent one, and my FSIL as the devil.  It was kind of like I really didn't know what to belive, because with all of their fights, the FSIL was never around
Now, its me...I'm getting married next month!  During the wedding planning, I've learned its best not to tell her anything, because everything I tell her she doesn't like, and basically, not trying to be rude, but its my wedding her opinion doesn't matter.  Well, she snuck up and looked at the price tag on my dress, and talked ot his side of the family about it, and his aunt called me and literally laughed at the price.  I tired to include her in the wedding planning, but she wouldn't do anything, I'd have to ask her several times to do something before it got done.  We moved to our new house this spring.  We moved 30 minutes away from them, and she complained about the price, she complained about the pool and how expensive it is, complained how small it was, even though there is ample space for 2 people to start a family.  She basically loved our house so much she got a real estate catalog and litterally circled and counted how many houses around the city were better than ours.  Over the last couple of months, I got the vibe that there was tension between me and his parents, more so his mom.  They were polite, just not themselves around me.  It was weird.  I kept asking my fiance if he'd talked to anyone about my frurstrations with his mom, he was like no.  He doesn't comment really much about the situation at all, other than his mom is nuts.  The last two times I've been around my MIL she makes fun of me, and teases me for the things my fiance and I argue about.  Basically she teases me for my flaws in the relationship.  So, where is she finding my flaws from?  Either my fiance calls mommy everytime we have a fight, or she catches him down, and she pry's it out of him.  Personally, I think she pry's it out of him.  I've told him that he might want to be careful what he says to his mom because she holds it against me, and makes fun of me for it. Then he just blew up in my face and told me that was his mother yada yada yada and that she is the only woman that will ever love him unconditionally.  I feel like he has the wrong picture here on how much a wife could love her husband.  I see what he is saying, but at the same time I'm not asking him to choose sides.  I am trying to make him see that his mom has made me feel uncomfortable, and really hurts my feelings.  He won't see it from my point of view, he told me I was making it up.  Now I am really hurt, because he thinks its just me.  Its not me, but I can understand where he thinks once again his mom is the innocent one, because she says it all teasing.  Half of what you say when you are teasing you are serious about.  But guys dont' see things the way women do, nor do they understand how we work really.  Its just not right...How do I put an end to this before I wind up in a relationship that was controlled and ruined by his mom like my FB and FSIL without making myself look like the devil?  Why is he being so Niave about this all?  Its not fair, I never did anything all but have feelings.  My bad really!  I'm suppose to dust this under the rug, but meanwhile his mom laughs at me, and teases me about things that she shouldn't even know that go on in our relationship, she told me teasing that she didn't like my attitude and I needed to change it, she just starts laughing, and when someone asks her whats funny, she tells them its an inside joke.  WTH am I marrying into? 

Re: FMIL

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Okay.  I'm sorry but I just gave up.  Paragraphs and a synthesized version will help us all here.  I'm quite sure that there's far more info than we need if you really want help.

    If you're just venting, I hope it made you feel better.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a5896551-2cbb-422c-a633-9577b0907552Post:c50610ce-08b8-4a4a-bf68-389783131478">FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, so I don't know what to do. My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years.  Finally got engaged last summer.  My FMIL and I got a long great all the way up until about 2 years ago.  The only problem I really had with her was around the holidays, she would pout when we wouldn't spend all day with them, I knew around then she was overly opinionated, intrusive, manipulating, and just nuts.  It was all minor until the wedding planning started.  She called him all the time, to just talk.  She called one year on Valentines day at 6 30, it was on a thurs, both him and I worked till 5.  She just called to see what he was doing for me on Valentines day.  Really?  What do you think most people do on Valentines day at 6 30? Eat dinner.  Anyway, thats just an example...When she started getting crazy was when my FBIL was getting married.  She made my FSIL feel like the crazy one.  She pryed into their business, and would find out about their arguements and hold them against my FSIL.  My FSIL was at her parents one night, and my FMIL drove over to their house and told her she needed some professional help.  Seriously!  She forgot that their are 3 sides to every story, and I've heard both of their sides, and really from a biased point of view, they were both at fault, not just the FSIL.  But her son's are perfect.  Needless to say, my FSIL and my FBIL have had fall outs over the last two years and most of them revolved around his mom, the other around martial affairs.  I always thought she really liked me, and I wasn't too sure, I always just remained open minded because my FMIL made herself out to be the innocent one, and my FSIL as the devil.  It was kind of like I really didn't know what to belive, because with all of their fights, the FSIL was never around Now, its me...I'm getting married next month!  During the wedding planning, I've learned its best not to tell her anything, because everything I tell her she doesn't like, and basically, not trying to be rude, but its my wedding her opinion doesn't matter.  Well, she snuck up and looked at the price tag on my dress, and talked ot his side of the family about it, and his aunt called me and literally laughed at the price.  I tired to include her in the wedding planning, but she wouldn't do anything, I'd have to ask her several times to do something before it got done.  We moved to our new house this spring.  We moved 30 minutes away from them, and she complained about the price, she complained about the pool and how expensive it is, complained how small it was, even though there is ample space for 2 people to start a family.  She basically loved our house so much she got a real estate catalog and litterally circled and counted how many houses around the city were better than ours.  Over the last couple of months, I got the vibe that there was tension between me and his parents, more so his mom.  They were polite, just not themselves around me.  It was weird.  I kept asking my fiance if he'd talked to anyone about my frurstrations with his mom, he was like no.  He doesn't comment really much about the situation at all, other than his mom is nuts.  The last two times I've been around my MIL she makes fun of me, and teases me for the things my fiance and I argue about.  Basically she teases me for my flaws in the relationship.  So, where is she finding my flaws from?  Either my fiance calls mommy everytime we have a fight, or she catches him down, and she pry's it out of him.  Personally, I think she pry's it out of him.  I've told him that he might want to be careful what he says to his mom because she holds it against me, and makes fun of me for it. Then he just blew up in my face and told me that was his mother yada yada yada and that she is the only woman that will ever love him unconditionally.  I feel like he has the wrong picture here on how much a wife could love her husband.  I see what he is saying, but at the same time I'm not asking him to choose sides.  I am trying to make him see that his mom has made me feel uncomfortable, and really hurts my feelings.  He won't see it from my point of view, he told me I was making it up.  Now I am really hurt, because he thinks its just me.  Its not me, but I can understand where he thinks once again his mom is the innocent one, because she says it all teasing.  Half of what you say when you are teasing you are serious about.  But guys dont' see things the way women do, nor do they understand how we work really.  Its just not right...How do I put an end to this before I wind up in a relationship that was controlled and ruined by his mom like my FB and FSIL without making myself look like the devil?  Why is he being so Niave about this all?  Its not fair, I never did anything all but have feelings.  My bad really!  I'm suppose to dust this under the rug, but meanwhile his mom laughs at me, and teases me about things that she shouldn't even know that go on in our relationship, she told me teasing that she didn't like my attitude and I needed to change it, she just starts laughing, and when someone asks her whats funny, she tells them its an inside joke.  WTH am I marrying into? 
    Posted by lestes09[/QUOTE]
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • edited December 2011
    Well... before I get into what you wrote... PLEASE use paragraphs next time.  It's really hard to read.

    It sounds like your FI and you could use some premarital counseling.  I'm not saying this to be rude or obnoxious.  We went through it ourselves (it was mandated by our church).  It wouldn't have to be religious counseling... that's not what I'm saying at all.  It might be good for you to sit down with an un-bias source with some training who can help you make your feelings clear without him feeling like you are insulting his family.  It will also help him to understand the vows you're about to take (provided they are the traditional vows) that he's making YOU and YOUR NEW FAMILY the priority in his life.  He doesn't have to pick sides, but he does have to listen and have an open conversation wherein your opinion and feelings are valued.  Pre-marital counseling is a great and less-threatening place to both air your issues where neither are "right or wrong" but you can both be heard. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your fi is a major part of the problem, here. He should learn to keep your business private and not involve his mommy. He should also be standing up for you. Talk a look at your FSIL's life, because it looks like you're heading in the same direction. Pre-marital counseling might help.
                       
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to echo PPs.  This is a HUGE FI issue.

    Personally, I wouldn't marry him until he agreed to counseling. 
  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs this not only a MIL issue this is a FI issue . I also agree about the  marriage counseling . It will help alot . My FH and I start out 12 week program next month.
    Anniversary
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a5896551-2cbb-422c-a633-9577b0907552Post:c50610ce-08b8-4a4a-bf68-389783131478">FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE] <strong> I've told him that he might want to be careful what he says to his mom because she holds it against me, and makes fun of me for it. Then he just blew up in my face and told me that was his mother yada yada yada and that she is the only woman that will ever love him unconditionally.  I feel like he has the wrong picture here on how much a wife could love her husband.  I see what he is saying, but at the same time I'm not asking him to choose sides.  I am trying to make him see that his mom has made me feel uncomfortable, and really hurts my feelings.  He won't see it from my point of view, he told me I was making it up.  Now I am really hurt, because he thinks its just me.  </strong>
    Posted by lestes09[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This is sends HUGE RED FLAGS to me. Your FI is in the wrong thinking that "mommy is always right". If he's a man he knows that its time to leave mommy and start a new family with you. If he can't trust your view then I see bigger problems here. If he can't stand up for you, I would seriously consider some pre-marriage counseling because he is definitely suppose to when his mother does this crap. This should be a wake up call to you to do something quick because obviously your FBIL made the right choice in standing up to his mom and siding with his wife when his mom did this kind of crap to them and now your FI needs to be doing the same for you. If he can't do it, then its sad to say that you should really take a look at your relationship.</div><div>
    </div>
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a5896551-2cbb-422c-a633-9577b0907552Post:9dabe2dd-2b36-4c46-a763-d6c5e10a305a">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to FMIL : This is sends HUGE RED FLAGS to me. Your FI is in the wrong thinking that "mommy is always right". If he's a man he knows that its time to leave mommy and start a new family with you. If he can't trust your view then I see bigger problems here. If he can't stand up for you, I would seriously consider some pre-marriage counseling because he is definitely suppose to when his mother does this crap. This should be a wake up call to you to do something quick because obviously your FBIL made the right choice in standing up to his mom and siding with his wife when his mom did this kind of crap to them and now your FI needs to be doing the same for you. If he can't do it, then its sad to say that you should really take a look at your relationship.
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    Wow!  Autumn thanks for posting this.

    OP:  Autumn is 100% right.  You need to seriously consider whether you want to go through with this marriage.  Because I can promise you that without counseling, you will have 3 people in your marriage:  you, your FI, and his mother.  And that will never, ever, ever make for a healthy marriage.

    And how will things look if the time comes that you have children?

    I think you have some very serious considerations ahead of you.  And I wish you luck.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Red flags everywhere!  

    I agree with PPs--you need to press pause on the wedding and go to some relationship counseling.  If he isn't prepared to defend you, put you first, and leave his mama out of the intricacies of your relationship, it does not bode well for me.  Unless and until he gets to that point, you have no hope of a marriage without her overshadowing everything.

    I mean this guy seriously reminds me of Norman Bates: "A boy's best friend is his mother."
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a5896551-2cbb-422c-a633-9577b0907552Post:c50610ce-08b8-4a4a-bf68-389783131478">FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]  I've told him that he might want to be careful what he says to his mom because she holds it against me, and makes fun of me for it. Then he just blew up in my face and told me that was his mother yada yada yada and that she is the only woman that will ever love him unconditionally.
    Posted by lestes09[/QUOTE]

    I agree with the PPs.  This is a huge problem.  Problems within a relationship/marriage should generally stay between the two parties involved...moms, dads, buddies, etc., shouldn't be privy to this kind of stuff, for the most part.  Your FI doesn't get this.  Also, if your FI feels this way about his mother, and he is using this as an excuse/reason to tell her what is really none of her business, he is not willing to give all of himself to you and the marriage, and therefore is <em><u>not</u></em> ready for marriage.

    You and him need couples counseling (there is nothing wrong with counseling, btw, so please don't take it as an insult), and also enough time to see if he is truly letting you (his new family) be the number one woman in his life and cutting the cord, so to speak, with his mother.  Please do this before marrying this man, and if he refuses, then you should seriously rethink this.  If you get married without these two steps, then it will not get any better from here.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry honey, but they are right.  You need to get into counseling and he needs to understand what it means to commit to a marriage and a wife.  If he does not, you will be replaying this drama for your entire marriage.  Make sure.....
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    Please keep in mind that a divorce is harder and more expensive than calling off a wedding. There are so many red flags here! You guys need to get into counselling ASAP!

    He isn't standing up for you so you need to stand up for yourself. When she makes comments about your attitude needing to change just say "that makes two of us then huh." When she butts in about your relationship or your house simply say "we like it and that is all that matters." or "Well that is really between FI and I so we won't be discussing this any further"

    Seriously though, please consider counseling. The fact that he thinks a mother is the only one that could love unconditionally tells me that 1 - he doesn't understand what love is or how is works and 2- he is going into this thinking that it won't work and divorce is an option. At this point, just from the post, I do not see your relationship lasting.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies for your help!  It seems that would be the only way to talk to him about it, without him thinking I'm in the wrong here.  I apologize for no paragraphs, it really wouldn't let me hit tab, (it was probably more me though) Anyway, thanks again, it was partial venting, but this isn't something you can vent about and feel better about later!  Good luck to everyone!
  • edited December 2011


    Tell your FI that his mother will always be his mother but that does not give her the right to treat you that way.  And if your FSIL is living through it most likely you will as well. The question is whether you want to put up with it for fifty years? Since your FMIL has seen that she can walk all over you it's going to get worse. Go to a marriage counselor.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm glad I'm not the only person whose Norman Bates senses were tingling.  This statement--

    "Then he just blew up in my face and told me that was his mother yada yada yada and that she is the only woman that will ever love him unconditionally."

    --just may be the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a5896551-2cbb-422c-a633-9577b0907552Post:1b6ecbec-a23e-457f-8197-907faf67d5de">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm glad I'm not the only person whose Norman Bates senses were tingling.  This statement-- "Then he just blew up in my face and told me that was his mother yada yada yada and that she is the only woman that will ever love him unconditionally." --just may be the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
    aerin, I read through the whole thing, but once I read that, I immediately focus on the true problem in the vent and it wasn't just the FMIL. Sometimes you don't see the red flags until you physically type it out and read to yourself.
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