What to do???

cfoxwheeler

I am in the process of trying to get my BMs to order their dresses.  I have called them all and told them where to go and what to do and that we need to order the dresses by October 30th.  One of the BMs is my fiance's SIL and she has been a real pain in my rear ever since we have been together (3 yrs).  She never has anything nice to say and critizes everything we do as a couple and me.  Has made it very clear in the past that she did not think we should get married.  She has caused many problems for me.  I thought that when we got engaged that she would come around and not be so negative about me or the wedding and really want to be apart of it.  So I asked her to be apart of our wedding and stand beside me. BIG MISTAKE!!!  I do not even want her in the wedding and I know there is nothing I can do now about it....or maybe there is?!?!?!  HELP ME!!  I asked her once to go wedding dress shopping with me one day and while I was looking at dresses she grabbed 3 dresses and went in the room to try them on herself.  This was not about her, it was about me.....I thought!  She also asked stupid ?s like after the ceremony could she walk down the aisle with her husband who is the best man!!!!  No..because she is not the MOH!!!  RIght????  And another was can you choose a strapless dress for us because they just look better on me?  I'm I missing something here what do I need to do with her?  Now that Iam trying to get dresses ordered for them she calls my finance's lil sister and asks why do we have to go ahead and get the dresses so soon, the wedding is not until June I thought we did not have to order them till 2 months before the wedding. (Please keep in mind that she did not have a wedding, she went to Vegas and got married by Elvis)  MY reason for this is so that this particular dress isn't gauranteed not to be discontinued.  She also said the dress was ugly and that this whole thing (wedding) is stupid!  I want the people standing up there with us to support us not say that this wedding is stupid.  I really do not want her in the wedding at all, I am so afraid she will ruin our day!  My SIL threw us an engagement party and she made the comment that she never did or wanted any of this because she did not want to inconvenience anyone like this!  HELP ME PLEASE!!!  I am about to burst inside and feel like I need to say something, but what!

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:4dd8b352-ccb9-48d3-b33d-53b27c0927b1">What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in the process of trying to get my BMs to order their dresses.  I have called them all and told them where to go and what to do and that we need to order the dresses by October 30th.  

One of the BMs is my fiance's SIL and she has been a real pain in my rear ever since we have been together (3 yrs).  She never has anything nice to say and critizes everything we do as a couple and me.  Has made it very clear in the past that she did not think we should get married.  She has caused many problems for me.  I thought that when we got engaged that she would come around and not be so negative about me or the wedding and really want to be apart of it.  

So I asked her to be apart of our wedding and stand beside me. BIG MISTAKE!!!  I do not even want her in the wedding and I know there is nothing I can do now about it....or maybe there is?!?!?!  HELP ME!!  

I asked her once to go wedding dress shopping with me one day and while I was looking at dresses she grabbed 3 dresses and went in the room to try them on herself.  This was not about her, it was about me.....I thought!  She also asked stupid ?s like after the ceremony could she walk down the aisle with her husband who is the best man!!!!  No..because she is not the MOH!!!  RIght????  And another was can you choose a strapless dress for us because they just look better on me?  

I'm I missing something here what do I need to do with her?  Now that Iam trying to get dresses ordered for them she calls my finance's lil sister and asks why do we have to go ahead and get the dresses so soon, the wedding is not until June I thought we did not have to order them till 2 months before the wedding. (Please keep in mind that she did not have a wedding, she went to Vegas and got married by Elvis)  MY reason for this is so that this particular dress isn't gauranteed not to be discontinued.  

She also said the dress was ugly and that this whole thing (wedding) is stupid!  I want the people standing up there with us to support us not say that this wedding is stupid.  I really do not want her in the wedding at all, I am so afraid she will ruin our day!  My SIL threw us an engagement party and she made the comment that she never did or wanted any of this because she did not want to inconvenience anyone like this!  HELP ME PLEASE!!!  I am about to burst inside and feel like I need to say something, but what!
Posted by cfoxwheeler[/QUOTE]

Sorry.  I don't have the patience today to answer this one but thought I'd break up all of the text into paragraphs so that others can read your problem.

lalap69

Thanks tldh for breaking that into paragraphs.  I never would have gotten through it otherwise.

OP, stop discussing wedding plans with your FSIL beyoned what is absolutely necessary in her role as a bm.  Find out from the shop the absolute last day to order the dresses and let your bms know.  Trust them to order the dress by then.  If they don't, then they have removed themselves from the WP.  You CANNOT kick her out.  And as for wanting to make absolutely sure they don't discontinue the dress - you can't make them order super-early because of that.  That's not fair to your bms.

marissa_claire

Just want to point out that some of the stuff you just said is crazy.  You went shopping and she wanted to try on dresses?  How dare she!  Who does she think she is, shopping and trying on clothes.  You do realize she can shop too, right? 

And to be honest, if she prefers a strapless dress because they're more flattering, you should accommodate that.  If she wants a strapless dress to show off cleave, maybe not so much, but if she's more comfortable and thinks she looks better in a strapless you should care.  That's called input from your BM's and you shouldn't put them in dresses they think are ugly.  Has she picked some out that you don't find offensive?  Are you against letting them choose their own dresses. 

I realize FIL's can be difficult and we all stress about it, but you being a difficult bride will not make things better.  And based on that way-too-long paragraph, you will be a difficult bride.

melissamc2

The biggest mistake was ever asking her to be a bridesmaid.  You admittedly knew what she was like and that she was not supportive of the marriage, so this is no real surprise.

Now that you're stuck, I'd just try to get through it as best as possible.

I DO think that her trying on wedding gowns while dress shopping with you was ridiculous.  Married women don't try on wedding gowns when they are shopping with someone else for their gown.  It's just stupid. 

As for the strapless gown -   Perhaps give them all a particular colour and length and let them pick the dress they want?  Then timeframes aren't as big of a deal and everyone will feel good in what they choose.

I wouldn't give on who she walks with, though.  If you really want the best man and MoH walking together (as I do, as well), then stick with it.  You don't have to alter the ceremony to suit someone else.

Good luck.

MairePoppy

You can't kick your FSIL out of the wedding party for being a PITA. You knew what she was like when you asked her and took a chance, hoping it would change her basic personality.

If the bridal shop has told you that the last date to order is Oct 30th, then give all the bms that information. If FSIL or anyone else does not follow through, then they will be removing themselves from the wedding party.

It's very nice (but not necessary) when a bride allows her wedding party some flexibility on the style of dresses. If you want to go that route, you could choose a few styles (one being strapless) that will look nice together. Let each girl decide which dress they like from your selection.

There is really no reason why your FSIL can't walk in the recessional with her husband. No one will even notice if she switches partners with the MOH. If it's important to her, you should let her do it.

One more thing, stop discussing the wedding when she is around. She can't comment on information that you don't give her.

cfoxwheeler

OK Marissa Claire...for your information, we did not go shopping we went WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING....big difference!  And if my SIL asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and I was already married, why do I need to go try on wedding dresses and take the shine off her?  She made my wedding dress shopping that I tried to include her in about her and somehow not about me and the fact that I am getting married!!!!  

BM dresses.....I do care about the opinions and the input from my bridal party but when this particular BM picks a dress (way before I have even looked) and says you should do strapless for US (all 5 girls) because it looks better on ME, then how is that me getting opinions from all the girls?!?!!?  I wanted something that was a traditional look with straps and 4 out of 5 girls agreed!  I did not want some of them, who are bigger in the bust to be constantly pulling at their top to keep their boobs inside.  And why I am going to accommodate one BM when all the rest are on board with what I am doing?  4 out of 5 love the color and the dress!  Do I need to change my our whole entire wedding to accommodate one BMzilla? No and I am not going to, because then that makes it all about her and it is not her day, it is mine and my future husband's. She choose to run to Vegas and get married and not have things done this way.

I have had my fair share of ILs that were not so nice.  But I have never been the BM that was the pain.  I was always there to support the bride in everything that she needed and that is all that I want from my BMs. 

I am not really sure what makes you think I am being the difficult one here, but you do not walk in my shoes everyday and you have not had to deal with her.  I have included everyone in all of my plans even her after everything that she has said and done to me, because I did not want to regret not putting her in my wedding 10 yrs from now especially if things were to change between us.  I may be a difficult bride in your eyes but that is your opinion and I am sorry that you feel that way.  This is mine and my fiance's big day and I know that neither one of us want anyone to ruin it.

trix1223

maire:  I think you're wrong:  I think that if the BM doesn't walk out of the ceremony with the MOH the marriage is considered invalid in 47 of the continental United States.  (NJ is the exception:  we're quite liberal, you know.) 

OP:  Take a minute and re-read what you've written.  You're searching for stuff to get p!ssed off about because you don't like your FSIL.

So she tried on dresses?  Big deal.

So she asked to wear strapless?  Big deal.

So she asked to walk out with her husband?  Big deal.

So she went to Vegas and got married by Elvis.  Big deal.

Not a single one of those things is worth the effort you're expending to try to make them meaningful.  and worth booting her out.

You're making this bigger than it needs to be.  Stop talking wedding stuff around her.  Stop expecting her to change just because it's your wedding.

You can't control what she does.  But you CAN control how you respond to what she does.  So stop responding and enjoy your wedding planning.

holovach1

My feelings on this is that if BM can leave you hanging at any time by leaving your wedding why can't you kick them out if they are uncooperative or disrespectful?? And my wedding isn't till June and my BM bought their dresses last week because we couldn't gaurentee them either. I feel you should talk with her and if she can't come around and accet that this is your day not her's then explain nicely that you can't have her in your wedding. That you still want her there but you NEED people who can support you 100% standing by you on your big day. As for the choice of dresses?? Well I have seen ALOT of weddings were the bride picks out the ugliest dresses and the girls wear them. It is up to YOU what you want them to wear. I took all my girls and we went and they all tried on dresses together. I wanted the same style dress in 3 different colors so we found together one that was flattering on them all.
 Don't let her dictate to you who she will walk with. My brother did that for my first wedding. He was suppossed to be the best man but because I wouldn't make his GF my MOH then he said he wouldn't be the best man because he couldn't walk beside her. And I have had regrets that I let him dictate things to me ever since. Again this is your wedding and people will be taking picture and you should have your wedding party walking as YOU want them. And if she can't understand and respect that then she needs to step down.
 I don't think you are being difficult at all. You know what you want, and you are trying to make your day perfect. Stand your ground and don't let anyone ruin your day.

MairePoppy

trix-the next thing you will be telling us is that it's okay to have uneven numbers. You liberals!

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:c5362c89-7392-4942-b6d8-76c5956cbdf2">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]My feelings on this is that if BM can leave you hanging at any time by leaving your wedding why can't you kick them out if they are uncooperative or disrespectful?? And my wedding isn't till June and my BM bought their dresses last week because we couldn't gaurentee them either. I feel you should talk with her and if she can't come around and accet that this is your day not her's then explain nicely that you can't have her in your wedding. That you still want her there but you NEED people who can support you 100% standing by you on your big day. As for the choice of dresses?? Well I have seen ALOT of weddings were the bride picks out the ugliest dresses and the girls wear them. It is up to YOU what you want them to wear. I took all my girls and we went and they all tried on dresses together. I wanted the same style dress in 3 different colors so we found together one that was flattering on them all.  Don't let her dictate to you who she will walk with. My brother did that for my first wedding. He was suppossed to be the best man but because I wouldn't make his GF my MOH then he said he wouldn't be the best man because he couldn't walk beside her. And I have had regrets that I let him dictate things to me ever since. Again this is your wedding and people will be taking picture and you should have your wedding party walking as YOU want them. And if she can't understand and respect that then she needs to step down.  I don't think you are being difficult at all. You know what you want, and you are trying to make your day perfect. Stand your ground and don't let anyone ruin your day.
Posted by holovach1[/QUOTE]

Wonderful.  Just wonderful.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:00469fae-ea0f-438f-864d-90c3c3090909">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]trix-the next thing you will be telling us is that it's okay to have uneven numbers. You liberals!
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Not only are uneven numbers okay, but it's also considered acceptable to for a bride to have males in her WP and a groom to have women in his WP.  Where will the madness end?  =)

deepcovejackie

OP--you said your FSIL was a pain in the butt before you got engaged.  So you put her in the wedding party to kind of make things better.  I understand why you did that, but your FSIL is not going to change just because you have a ring on your finger.

You're skating pretty close to being a me me me bride.  I really don't think it's a big deal that she tried on dresses, wedding or otherwise.  She said she wants strapless, but you don't want them.  Fine, then just pick a dress and a deadline and if she doesn't have a dress then so be it.  Also, just so you know, I've heard 1000 times that "the dress might be discontinued" and that's why you have to order 9 months before the wedding.  That's really just a ploy by the bridal shop to get you to commit right away to a dress.

If she wants to walk down the aisle with her husband, is it that hard to let her?

More important than all of this is that you've said whe doesn't think you should be getting married.  I see a problem here....

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:c5362c89-7392-4942-b6d8-76c5956cbdf2">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]My feelings on this is that if BM can leave you hanging at any time by leaving your wedding why can't you kick them out if they are uncooperative or disrespectful?? And my wedding isn't till June and my BM bought their dresses last week because we couldn't gaurentee them either. I feel you should talk with her and if she can't come around and accet that this is your day not her's then explain nicely that you can't have her in your wedding. That you still want her there but you NEED people who can support you 100% standing by you on your big day. As for the choice of dresses?? Well I have seen ALOT of weddings were the bride picks out the ugliest dresses and the girls wear them. It is up to YOU what you want them to wear. I took all my girls and we went and they all tried on dresses together. I wanted the same style dress in 3 different colors so we found together one that was flattering on them all.  Don't let her dictate to you who she will walk with. My brother did that for my first wedding. He was suppossed to be the best man but because I wouldn't make his GF my MOH then he said he wouldn't be the best man because he couldn't walk beside her. And I have had regrets that I let him dictate things to me ever since. Again this is your wedding and people will be taking picture and you should have your wedding party walking as YOU want them. And if she can't understand and respect that then she needs to step down.  I don't think you are being difficult at all. You know what you want, and you are trying to make your day perfect. Stand your ground and don't let anyone ruin your day.
Posted by holovach1[/QUOTE]

No one is saying it's okay to leave the bride hanging. It's rude. It's also rude to kick someone out of your wedding party. One person's rude behaviour does not justify another's.

The bride knew the FSIL was a PITA, but was hoping that including her would help their relationship. Her intentions were good, but it didn't work. Unfortunately, she is now stuck with an uncooperative bm. Kicking her out will only make the situation worse, so she should make the best of it.

She is not obliged to change her bm dress choice. That is the brides decision as long she is being reasonable. Some brides, however, offer their bms a few dresses to choose from. I think that's very considerate, especially when there are several different body types involved.

marissa_claire

Sweetie, you sound like you're screeching.  That's what I picture reading your words here.  I'm hoping you can calm down and realize that a lot of these things are not truly big issues.  I know I can't put myself in your shoes, but I have dealt with difficult people and while she sounds perhaps miffed that you're getting married, I don't think she's trying to ruin your wedding. 

The wedding dress shopping doesn't have to be all about you.  It's actually fairly wise and common to allow BM's to try on dresses at the same time, for one because then they're all there to help you make your own decision on a wedding dress and for two because it saves another trip down the road.  Was anyone paying more attention to your FSIL than you?  Doubtful. 

And if I had the problem in choosing dresses where everyone except one person was okay with a dress, I still probably would have chosen a different dress.  BM dresses were one of my personal biggest stresses because I wanted them to wear something that they felt comfortable and confident in.  I've never been a BM before, so perhaps I didn't have any scores to settle with any of my BMs, but I truly wanted them to be happy with what they had, my PITA FSIL included.  You still have plenty of time so why don't you just keep looking and have your BMs keep looking?  

We're just asking that you step back and focus on them.  If you get wrapped up in the "it's my big day and it has to be perfect" you're only going to disappoint yourself.  Think about it as a wonderful moment to share with those you love and just be happy to have them around you.  

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:3ec00512-1316-458f-b06e-cb89e67a8e0b">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]OK Marissa Claire...for your information, we did not go shopping we went WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING....big difference!  And if my SIL asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and I was already married, why do I need to go try on wedding dresses and take the shine off her?  She made my wedding dress shopping that I tried to include her in about her and somehow not about me and the fact that I am getting married!!!!   BM dresses.....I do care about the opinions and the input from my bridal party but when this particular BM picks a dress (way before I have even looked) and says you should do strapless for US (all 5 girls) because it looks better on ME, then how is that me getting opinions from all the girls?!?!!?  I wanted something that was a traditional look with straps and 4 out of 5 girls agreed!  I did not want some of them, who are bigger in the bust to be constantly pulling at their top to keep their boobs inside.  And why I am going to accommodate one BM when all the rest are on board with what I am doing?  4 out of 5 love the color and the dress!  Do I need to change my our whole entire wedding to accommodate one BMzilla? No and I am not going to, because then that makes it all about her and<strong> it is not her day, it is mine and my future husband's.</strong> She choose to run to Vegas and get married and not have things done this way. I have had my fair share of ILs that were not so nice.  But I have never been the BM that was the pain.  I was always there to support the bride in everything that she needed and that is all that I want from my BMs.  I am not really sure what makes you think I am being the difficult one here, but you do not walk in my shoes everyday and you have not had to deal with her.  I have included everyone in all of my plans even her after everything that she has said and done to me, because I did not want to regret not putting her in my wedding 10 yrs from now especially if things were to change between us.  I may be a difficult bride in your eyes but that is your opinion and I am sorry that you feel that way.  <strong>This is mine and my fiance's big day and I know that neither one of us want anyone to ruin it.</strong>
Posted by cfoxwheeler[/QUOTE]

You are right that it is your and your fiance's day, but it is also a day for your guests. You need to be a gracious host and not act like everything is all about you. If you step back and read what you've written you will see just how childish you sound. Yes, your FSIL is a PITA, no one will argue that, but people will be just as critical of how you deal with her as they are of her and her looniness. If you kick her out, people will side eye you, not her. Imagine the wedding day when people are saying how wonderful everything is, then she says "Yeah, well I was a bridesmaid, but Cfox kicked me out because I wanted a strapless dress." 

What's so wrong with her wearing a strapless dress? Just because 4 of your 5 bridesmaids agree on a dress does not mean that you should stop looking. All 5 bridesmaids should be on board. If she's in a dress she's not comfortable people will notice.

Who cares if she got married in Vegas. Lots of people do. Don't be judgy because of it.

Edited: Because I needed to clarify something

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:c5362c89-7392-4942-b6d8-76c5956cbdf2">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]My feelings on this is that if BM can leave you hanging at any time by leaving your wedding why can't you kick them out if they are uncooperative or disrespectful?? And my wedding isn't till June and my BM bought their dresses last week because we couldn't gaurentee them either. I feel you should talk with her and if she can't come around and accet that this is your day not her's then explain nicely that you can't have her in your wedding. That you still want her there but <strong>you NEED people who can support you 100% standing by you on your big day.</strong> As for the choice of dresses?? Well I have seen ALOT of weddings were the bride picks out the ugliest dresses and the girls wear them. <strong>It is up to YOU what you want them to wear.</strong> I took all my girls and we went and they all tried on dresses together. I wanted the same style dress in 3 different colors so we found together one that was flattering on them all.  Don't let her dictate to you who she will walk with. My brother did that for my first wedding. He was suppossed to be the best man but because I wouldn't make his GF my MOH then he said he wouldn't be the best man because he couldn't walk beside her. <strong>And I have had regrets that I let him dictate things to me ever since.</strong> Again this is your wedding and people <strong>will be taking picture</strong> and you should have your wedding party walking as YOU want them. And if she can't understand and respect that then she needs to step down.  I don't think you are being difficult at all. You know what you want, and you are <strong>trying to make your day perfect.</strong> Stand your ground and <strong>don't let anyone ruin your day</strong>.Posted by holovach1[/QUOTE]

1). "You NEED people who will support you 100%..." What could you possibly NEED anyone to support you for? That's what you have a FI for.

2). "It is up to YOU what they wear" Yes, she gets final say, but being gracious is also listening to what they want as well. People can tell when BMs are uncomfortable in what they're wearing.

3). "I have had regrets that I let him dictate things" Was you marriage deemed invalid because your brother walked with his GF and not the MOH? Does your brother still speak to you? If you hadn't let him, he may not be.

4). "people will be taking pictures" Yes, because pictures are what the entire day is all about, not the marriage, not the couple, not the celebration with the families. OP will look back at her pictures and be so sad that she let FSIL walk down with her H.

5). "Trying to make your day perfect" is where many brides fail. If brides could understand that nothing will ever be perfect, then they won't set themselves up for dissappointment. If you have unrealistic expectations, you will ALWAYS be disappointed.

6). "Don't let anyone ruin your day" Only you can ruin your day. If you stay calm, go with the flow, and understand that there will be problems, your day will not be ruined.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:29f7ab84-21e6-4dda-ac61-43e7c6a16c2c">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, how old are you?  Everyone here has been kind and honest to you, but your post sounds so immature. " She made my wedding dress shopping that I tried to include her in about her and somehow not about me and the fact that I am getting married!!!!"  OK, I'm going to say it.  Bridezilla alert.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

This is why I said I didn't have the patience to deal with this question today.  Otherwise this is what would have followed the breakdown of the great wall o'text - only mine would have been longer and probably very snarky.

cfoxwheeler

Ok fine, since everyone thinks that the problem is me then I guess it is.  I have been in tears over this whole mess since I have been engaged.  I was trying to type everything out so fast this morning that I did not go back and read it correctly.  I just needed some advice from some fellow bride to bes.  My FSIL is already married and I was just trying to say why in the world would she want to try on WEDDING DRESSES (White dresses) not the BMs dresses when she is already married.  I did not know this is something that married women do on regular occasions.  Its funny that I am the problem and that everyone thinks I am making the problem, when I have been nothing but nice to my FSIL and have never given her the problems or said the things that she has said to me to my face to hers.  I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I just wanted some advice and not make me feel like I was the problem.  I am not trying to be a bridezilla, I thought that this is suppose to be the biggest day of your life besides having children.  I apparently thought that this was suppose to be a happy day for us and that I should have supportive ppl to stand by us and believe in us.  I guess that is not the case though, maybe I will just let my BMs plan the rest of the wedding and they can tell me when to show up.

Just needed some advice, but apparently I just got kicked when I was down!

Thanks for your help everyone!

trix1223

Oh calm down and stop being so dramatic.   It's a wedding.  It's not something you need "support" through.   One needs support if a loved one dies.  One needs support when they're diagnosed with a serious illness.  One needs support when they're the victim of a crime.

One hardly needs "support" to plan a party.  Which is what a wedding is.  If you need support, turn to other person who should be helping and supporting you: your FI.

So your goofy SIL decided to play dress up.  Is that really so serious that it ruined your wedding planning?  Sure, it might have been annoying.  But you'd be far less whiny now if you'd laughed it off with a quick comment:  Had you said "Changing your mind about that Elvis wedding thing, huh?"  you'd have taken control of the situation quickly. 

No one here was offended by you.  We (and by "we" I mean me)  just think that you're being melodramatic and need to step back and listen to yourself.

No one here "kicked you when you were down", because you're not down.  So you couldn't have been kicked. 

As I said above, you can't control what other people do.  But you CAN control how you react to it.  So it's your decision.  You can develop a sense of humor or you can be melodramatic.  It's entirely your call.

I'm sure you don't believe it, but I really do wish you well.  I also hope that you'll get some perspective into what really matters as you move forward.

deepcovejackie

Trix, I was going to say "Call a Waaambulance".  Instead, I waited for you to step in and say something waaaaay better than what I had in mind.  And you did!

aerinpegadrak

I was married in Las Vegas and it was everything I'd ever dreamed of, so I pretty much don't care about anything else you have to say.  It just sounds like "Judgy judgy bridezilla whine whine whine."

cfoxwheeler

So, if 1 out of all my BMs does not like the dress I need to regroup and try to find something different?  I believe that we can do that!  As far as me not liking or hating my FSIL, that is just not the case.  That is the assumptions made just by what I wrote.  I can see that I may blow things out of portion a bit, but I am trying. learning to deal.  I have not had to deal with someone who is so confrontational before.  I was just explaining some of the things she has done to me and I have said or done nothing to defend myself because I am not a confrontational person.  Thanks for all the opinions and help!  I needed an outside view looking in...so thanks!!!!

MacFreitas7

OP-  you need to use paragraphs is what you need to do.

pizzanfries4me

I'd kick her out - especially if she already said that she thinks the wedding shouldnt happen. Don't depend on people to 'come around' more often then not you end up disappointed. I'd give her the boot if I was you (but talk to your to-be hubby about it first!)

AutumnFair

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;"><span style="font-size:12.96px;" class="Apple-style-span">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:a6002783-4ede-44c3-bc41-86b0017f3cf7">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd kick her out - especially if she already said that she thinks the wedding shouldnt happen. Don't depend on people to 'come around' more often then not you end up disappointed. I'd give her the boot if I was you (but talk to your to-be hubby about it first!)
Posted by pizzanfries4me[/QUOTE]

<div>The girl is a jerk but kicking her out will only make the Bride look like the bad guy, plus she will always be family and to do that to a member of his family is probably going to look really bad.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, here's the deal. You picked the girl because you hope it would make you two closer, well, looks like that didn't happen, many times it never does. People don't change unless they want to and she seems to be pretty unchangeable. </div><div>
</div><div>She is pretty stupid for trying on wedding dresses, and if she doesn't like you I'm betting this was done intentionally just to get you riled up (and its worked). The only person who will look like a fool is her as long as you don't play into her antics.</div><div> </div><div>She can make a request of having strapless but you don't necessarily have to abide by her request (as long as you ask and abide by her budget range). Though if I were you I would say yourself the headache that is her nag/complain and just let the girls go with or without straps. As for ordering dresses, most dresses do not get discontinued until the end of the year and even then most newer designs are just like the old. If your wedding isn't until next year you still have awhile to order dresses. But once you found one call up the Bridal Shop and ask what the final date to order the dresses is and let her know that X date is the deadline to order her dress and then the ball of getting the dress is in her court.</div><div>
</div><div>As for her questions, you just put the sweet simple polite answer of "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we want to stick with this." Though with something like walking with her husband I would be incline to just let her do it, like the others said no one is really going to notice if they do a real quick switch of your MOH and whoever FSIL was paired with go after you, then FI's BM and FSIL go 2nd. </div><div>
</div><div>Also whatever she wanted to do for her wedding is her business, if she complains about how troublesome things are just let her know that "this is what best suits FI and myself". She can voice her distaste all she wants but its better to ignore her outburst then to give in and do something that you are going to regret EVERY time you see her at a family function.</div><div>
</div><div>I know its tough being the bigger person but your going to have to suck it up for the sake of keeping the peace. Plus don't give her the satisfaction of having ammunition on you if you kick her out.</div></span></div>

SeptemberFall2011

I had a similiar problem with a friend.  That was our only difference in the story yours is a family member and mine was a friend.  I would simply ask someone else to be a bridesmaid and tell her she's relieved of her duties as a bridesmaid.  If she throws a fit about it...So what!!  I may be looked at as rude but the way I see it better to be happy and viewed as rude than stressed and upset the day of your wedding!!  Let alone your planning!

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:b18f9e13-043b-4382-a52e-34b927af2d79">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a similiar problem with a friend.  That was our only difference in the story yours is a family member and mine was a friend. <strong> I would simply ask someone else to be a bridesmaid and tell her she's relieved of her duties as a bridesmaid. </strong> If she throws a fit about it...So what!!  I may be looked at as rude but the way I see it better to be happy and viewed as rude than stressed and upset the day of your wedding!!  Let alone your planning!
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

Wonderful.  Two bad decisions in one sentence. 

semperfiprincess

well im glad all of you are willing to throw the most important days of your lives to the dogs. its HER wedding, she should do whatever her and her FH want! a wedding isnt about the guests and the bridesmaids and the flowers! its about the 2 people getting married and being happy. Same thing happened to me and i kicked my FSIL out of the bridal party and i couldnt be happier. it saved me a hell lot of more drama. bridezilla?? seriously?? this isnt her FSILs wedding. and even if this wasnt a wedding, she should put up with being treated like that anyway! whats wrong with you people that you think it is totally cool for her to continue to let this chick ruin her wedding? and yea, its semi small stuff now, but trust me, it will just get bigger and bigger. your marrying him, not her. all you should care about is making your future hubby happy.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a677f226-d6dd-445b-a6c3-3dfe64981dafPost:574ef229-469a-4741-b8cf-0e4d6da5603a">Re: What to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]well im glad all of you are willing to throw the most important days of your lives to the dogs. its HER wedding, she should do whatever her and her FH want! <strong>a wedding isnt about the guests and the bridesmaids and the flowers! its about the 2 people getting married and being happy.</strong> Same thing happened to me and i kicked my FSIL out of the bridal party and i couldnt be happier. it saved me a hell lot of more drama. bridezilla?? seriously?? this isnt her FSILs wedding. and even if this wasnt a wedding, she should put up with being treated like that anyway! whats wrong with you people that you think it is totally cool for her to continue to let this chick ruin her wedding? and yea, its semi small stuff now, but trust me, it will just get bigger and bigger. your marrying him, not her. all you should care about is making your future hubby happy.
Posted by semperfiprincess[/QUOTE]

You're almost completely wrong.  A wedding is about two people getting married.  But as soon as you invite guests, and ask people to be in a WP, it ceases being just about the bride and groom. 

You are right though, about a 'zilla in your post.  Go look in the nearest mirror.  You'll find her.

AutumnFair

Trix: 1 

Raging Bridezillas who like to kick people out of their wedding: 0

As for ruining a wedding, no one can ruin a wedding unless her FSIL is having relations with her FI (which would be quite sickening).