Help, how to tell famlily it's a DW

JoeysBabe49

Hi there.  Thanks for reading in advance.

 I have been engaged since August 2010, and loving every minute of it!  I guess my issues I'm having is that I don't know how to tell my parents, future in laws and close family and friends that we are having a private DW.  So the invite list is Bride and Groom.  It is what I have always wanted, personal, intimate and calm.  Its what I have always dreamed!!

My mom knows I have always wanted this kind of wedding and doesn't like it.  She hardly wants to even talk about wedding stuff with me because I can tell it makes her sad.  And when my FMIL had a family only, casual, no gifts bbq at her house, everyone was asking us about "the big day" and when it would be.  So my FI said, " We are not sure yet, probably just run off and have a beach wedding with maybe a party afterword."  You could hear a pin drop in the room.  So we have kinda let people know what we were thinking.   I'm so excited about the wedding, marrying the man of my dreams on a beach.  I am just scared to let people down, or hurt their feelings. 

What is the best way to let people know that it is what we are going to do?  Small talks with everyone? I never picked a WP b/c all along I knew I wouldn't have one. I guess what I'm worried about is their reaction, I don't want anyone being mad at us or disappointed with our decision.   Any advice from people how have been in this situation before?

I guess after writting this, my biggest consern is the parents, FIL's and grandparents and siblings.  My friends will be fine, they won't take it as hard. 

AutumnFair

My friend did this, it was just her and her husband on a beach in the Bahamas.

Basically, you just tell your immediate family your decision and leave it be. They might not like it but there is really nothing they can do so they just have to respect your decision and move on. You already know they will be disappointed so there really isn't anything you can do to make them feel less so don't dwell on it. It's your and your FI decision and you just need to stick to your guns when family keeps asking "why". I suggest you start mastering the Bean Dip routine aka changing the subject. Example:

Your mom: Honey, are you sure you really want to do this?

You: Yes, FI and I discussed it and it's what we want. Have you tried this dip?

Your mom: But what about your father walking you down the aisle, and dances?

You: We want it this way. Have you seen the new movie in the theaters?

You get the jist. Just a quick answer and change the subject. The only thing that you need to do less of is involving your mom in wedding stuff, she obviously is hurt that you are doing DW and you are just rubbing salt in the wounds of her not being able to attend when you keep talking about you wedding. So I suggest stop with the wedding talk to her and basically anyone unless they bring it up.

trix1223

Well. for starters, if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to say "Mom and Dad.  We're having a DW that will be just the two of us.  We know that you'll be disappointed, but we hope you'll come to understand and support us in our decision."

That's what you should say if you decide to go ahead with an elopement.  Now I'm going to talk to you as a former MOG and MOB.

I would be cut to the quick if my children had done that.  So would their dad.  We have been by their side throughout their lives:  rejoicing in their successes and suffering with them through their disappointments and sorrows.

Seeing their children exchange wedding vows is a moment that every parent anticipates.  I would have crawled over hot coals laced with broken glass to be at our childrens' weddings. 

I understand why your mom won't talk about it.  I wouldn't be able to either, because while your wedding is, of course, so very important to you, you can't begin to understand what it also means to your parents and grandparents until you are.....parents and grandparents.

Think of it this way:  you'll need an officiant to get married on that beach.  You're going to let a stranger be at your wedding, but not your mom and dad? 

Can't you at least think about a  compromise and have your parents, siblings, and grandparents with you as well?  You're still having a small wedding, but including your family.

My DH's uncle eloped with his first wife.  DH's grandma never got over it.  I so clearly remember her, 30+ years after the elopement saying "Well, I didn't get to see my son get married" and her tone was so filled with regret.

Please realize that your wedding is about you and your dreams.  But your parents have been dreaming about that moment too.

GL

Summer2011Bride

I agree with both PP's. It is your wedding and since you are (presumably) paying for it, you can really do anything you want. However, I would consider what you are doing an elopement; not a DW. It is understandable why your parents and family esp. would be hurt about this, for all the reasons trix stated.

Having said that. I also know many couples who have eloped and don't regret it. If you want to go through with it, I'd talk to each set of parents separately, then talk to your siblings and so on. I would at least let them air their concerns or frustrations, address them once, then if it comes up later down the road, change the subject. Don't dwell on it after it has been discussed the first time.

It may come down to choosing between your "dream wedding" and really really hurting your family. I agree that not everyone and their brother should be there, but why do you not want your parents there? I'm just honestly curious. Would having immediate family only ruin your wedding? Is this a compromise you'd be willing to make to keep the peace if you could still get married on a beach and have an intimate wedding?

bablingbrooke

Is there a particular reason why you want it just the two of you, not even a DW with just your parents in attendance as your witnesses?  I personally think that parents should be invited to the wedding unless there's a really good reason not to.

MairePoppy

Trix, that was perfect.

JB, it's your right to get married however you wish, but as an MOB, I can't tell you how disappointed I would be if I wasn't invited to my daughters, and someday my sons' weddings. We've envisioned those weddings long before they have.

If you are sure you want to elope, then be prepared for your families to be sad and disappointed. I don't think there is anything you can say that can make this better for your parents and grandparents.

aerinpegadrak

Destination wedding = guests, even just your parents.

If you want to elope, that's your right, but there's no way to lessen the hurt of it for your immediate families.  Nothing you can do or say can replace not being able to see you get married.

seasidebride24

I agree with the PPs, if you want to elope on a beach somewhere with no one else around then you'll have to stick to your guns.  I would love to do that, but family means the world to me and so a DW was not in the picture.  Is your FI happy with the elopement idea?  You only mentioned that this was what you wanted, but it is his wedding too. 
My FI wanted a huge wedding, so we compromised on a small wedding of 50-75.  That way it isn't huge but the important family and friends are invited to attend.  I did make my FI promise that we will have a private VR on a tropical beach somewhere at some point before our 30th anniversary, lol.  Kind of vague but I can hope!

kellya01

I think your parents at least deserve the opportunity to come to the wedding unless they've done something really horrible that has a lasting sting on your emotions (etc), abuse, estrangement, etc.  In my opinion, DW does not equal Eloping (which wouldn't have any guests).  

One of my cousins did a DW in Jamaica, and we were all invited but only close family could really afford to attend.  She wanted smaller and intimate, still invited all of the family, and STILL got what she wanted as far as being really just her and her FI and close family only.  And her family doesn't have any lasting hurt about it being small an intimate.  I have a feeling they would be VERY hurt if she had excluded them, but again, her family may not be yours, and you may have extenuating circumstances that we don't know about. 

Good luck with whatever you decide! 

bablingbrooke

I get that Retread, I do.  But to exclude even the parents and have NO ONE come?  That just seems a bit extreme.  They could do exactly what they're doing and let the parents come.  

lynnard82

Good Luck with this!  I also just wanted a DW with my FI and I.  My family was okay with it because they know me and know that I have never wanted a wedding.  When we told his family they threw such a stink that now we are having a DW in Vegas.  It started out with just immediate family and has now grown out of control.  I hope you stick to your guns and do what you want.  I wish I had!!!  

I'm sure whatever you decide will be beautiful and a day to remember:)

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-famlily-its-dw?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a7ab1a68-7644-458c-8193-67a400613dd1Post:a4a8b5fe-67e6-43cb-a4ea-b034107351c5">Re: Help, how to tell famlily it's a DW</a>:
[QUOTE]"Oh, thank you for asking about the wedding. We're very excited, too. We're planning a destination wedding in X, and can't wait to get together with you afterwards." Destination weddings are NOT "selfish." Couples have lots of good reasons for doing them, such as: 1. They don't have the money for a large wedding. 2. they have the $, but would rather spend it on a lifetime memory for themselves instead of a big party for others. 3. Not everyone is comfortable with lots of family and friends eyeing them in public. 4. Last but not least....often these relatives who gripe about selfishness are the same ones who insist on sticking their fingers in until it's everybody's wedding BUT the couple's.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
But she's not really talking about a DW, she's talking about eloping.  Totally different beast.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-famlily-its-dw?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a7ab1a68-7644-458c-8193-67a400613dd1Post:e78e3a3e-9adf-4dd1-a47d-545fc65f127e">Re: Help, how to tell famlily it's a DW</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she doesn't want the pressure and unwanted "advice." When couples don't want other people at the wedding - especially parents - perhaps the parents s<strong>hould take a deep breath and consider why. The post above is a good reason...."I wouldn't dream of not being at my child's wedding. I have a right to do this."</strong> That is really overbearing, regardless of how well-intentioned it is.  There are two people in a marriage....the bride and groom. It's an intimate moment and some people just prefer it to be so. that does not make them bad people, or ungrateful children. It's the very same thing as couples who ask that nobody else be present at the births of their children ("no, we'd rather you didn't 'be outside in the waiting room' either"), yet other people lose sight of this in pursuit of their own desire to "see and share." Sure you can be disappointed....it's natural. Still, it's THEIR marriage and THEIR moment. THEIR lives together. It's a good opportunity to start respecting their choices...and the limits that a married couple has a right to set.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Retread:  I have re-read all of the above posts and for the life of me don't see one that says "It's MY RIGHT to be at my child's wedding".

Maire and I both said that it would be very painful to us if our children chose to exclude us from their weddings.  But neither one of us said that we would protest to our children, nor would we tell them that we have A RIGHT to be there.

And I got the sense from the OP that she doesn't have a terrible relationship with her parents.  I didn't get a feeling that there was any problem other than it's "her dream" to get married alone on a beach.

I'd be the first to say that a child with abusive parents has every reason to exclude them from their wedding.  Perhaps I'm misinterpreting, but I didn't get that "vibe" at all from the OP.

palmettogirl924

I don't understand why you can't invite immediate family...

MairePoppy

Retread, Not one person called this bride selfish or said she wasn't entitled to make the decision to elope.

She asked how they can elope without disappointing their families. There probably isn't a way to do that. She will have to decide if it's more important to do it her way or to accommodate the parents.

DNAtime

I think also if you guys really want to elope (this is NOT a DW, definitely an elopement) just do it and don't drag it out.  The only way to avoid hurt feelings is to invite people to the wedding.
I had some friends in college that ran off eloped unnaounced because thats what they wanted.  The parents were pissed, so to compromise on their first anniversary they had a vow renewal, really nice, low key outdoor ceremony by the river and a pig roast in the backyard.  But we all knew it was for the parents but it was a great party.

bablingbrooke

I still disagree with you Retread, and sometimes I get the impression you post before you really read the OP or other posters.  Sorry.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-famlily-its-dw?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a7ab1a68-7644-458c-8193-67a400613dd1Post:d28eef80-fd04-4301-b1cc-1880baa95061">Re: Help, how to tell famlily it's a DW</a>:
[QUOTE]Ladies, please go re-read my posts. Do you see where I quoted anyone in them? No, you don't, and I assure you that I did read the entire thread. I do know how to read. I've been doing it for 47 years, and be assured that I don't need help. A concern often expressed on the subject of destination weddings is that the couple is being "selfish."  Are you with me so far? The sentiment expressed by some of the parents on this thread is indeed that they raised the child, dreamed all their life of their wedding,<strong> and now feel that THEY are being "let down.</strong>" As in the example I gave:  marriage is an intimate event between a couple. Some want to share that between themselves. If you'll re-read above, there was comparison to birth: as in weddings, new grandparents are also hurt and disappointed if a couple doesn't want them present, or even waiting in another room, when the child is born. It's the same thing. Does this make sense now? It's got nothing to do with whether or not they "love" their parents, or have a good relationship.or not. It's about a dream of getting married on a beach together, and that "excludes" other people out of necessity. Does this make sense? They want an intimate moment between themselves.  That goes out the window if even a few people tag along.....the destination wedding essentially becomes a tag-along for the honeymoon, too. Intimacy and "just the two of us" is gone. NOW does this make sense????
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Retread:  you put this in quotes: 
<em>The post above is a good reason...."I wouldn't dream of not being at my child's wedding. I have a right to do this."</em>

So yes, I did think you were quoting someone, because you put quotation marks right there in your post.

And yes, I would most certainly feel "let down"  (to put it mildly) that I was not invited to my childrens' weddings.  And I'm willing to be that you'd be hard pressed to find any parent who would not feel the same way.

We don't interfere in our kids' marriages, and as a result, I have a great relationship with our DIL and our SIL.  But not interfering in their MARRIAGE is a whole different ballgame than not being invited to attend their wedding.

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. 

Cynthia1207

Retread your reasons for saying a DW isn't selfish don't work.  You can most definitely have a wedding at home, within your budget, without anybody butting in with their ideas if you have the backbone to do so.  AND when you have a DW, STRANGERS are looking at you getting married.  I find thjat way worse then family and friends.  Totally creppy in my opinion. 

Now to answer OP's question, I think you should at least invite close family to your wedding.  Yes a wedding is about the bride and groom but it's also about families joining together.  If you would rather elope for personal reasons then you just do it but you may have to live with those consequences later.  You just need to decide what's important for you and what you can deal with afterwards.  Talk about it with your family and see.

calindi

Retread - no one is saying that a couple needs to throw a big party.  Just simply that it seems almost cruel to deny parents the opportunity to even see their children exchange vows.

I get not wanting others to put their say in - the simple answer is pay for it yourself, tell them nothing of the details, and then just send them an invite.  They either accept or they don't.  No opinions allowed.

I feel like you could get the same benefit by doing a small JOP ceremony with your immediate family before you go off to exchange vows on a beach by yourself.  If you're getting married out of the country, it might even be easier this way.  Get married at the courthouse with your parents there, go out for lunch, and then fly away with your guy to the island to exchange vows the way you want.  Sure, it's a compromise, but isn't love and family all about compromises?

JoeysBabe49

WOW! Didn't realize this would be such a hot topic. lol

 I read through everything and I literally understand everyone's point of view.  In my OP I stated this IS what I  want, have been thinking this all along.  I thought I wrote what "we both" want because this whole idea was originally my FI idea, and I LOVED IT!!!!  I just wanted advice on how to let people know this IS what we want.  We want just the two of us because for easy reasons, its what we want!
But if your curious here are some reasons. lol
 Its going to be out of country.
We are paying for 100% of everything.
 If we invite one person then the list goes on and on and then next thing we know there will be 40 people on a tiny island with us....on our honeymoon.  Not what FI and I want at all.
We have a HUGE family- A HUGE immediate family really!!!
 I have a great relationship with everyone, no abuse.  I'm am very grateful for everything and selfish is not a word I don't think anyone who knows me would use to describe me.
 To be simple and really that is all this is about.....its what we want.  We are both very happy with this and I was just looking for someone who had been in this situation before.  We are going to stick to our guns too.  Thanks for all the posts, I enjoy seeing all the different points of view.  Also, Thanks for all the "good lucks", sounds like I might need it.

bablingbrooke

I don't think it necessarily follows that if you invite your parents you have to invite others.  If you invite one aunt and not the other, sure.  But parents only are another story.  People might be disappointed, but they'll understand.  Parents, on the other hand...that's a pretty shiitty thing to do to them to save a couple of bucks.  

trix1223

Your immediate family are your parents and siblings.  That's it.  I don't think you have a HUGE immediate family.  Now, when you factor in your aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents:  perhaps it gets huge.

bablingbrooke

Also, am I the only one who's a little suspicious that her FI wants to take her family completely out of the picture for the wedding?  That would be a red flag for me, personally, since I could never marry someone who felt that way.  (And I'm the one who wanted to elope with just our immediate families, but it was so important to my DH that our extended families be there that we had the big fat wedding with 100+ family.)  I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying I couldn't.

JoeysBabe49

@Bablingbrooke:  Parents, on the other hand...that's a pretty shiitty thing to do to them to save a couple of bucks. 

I didn't say ANYTHING about doing this to save a couple of bucks, so I'm not quite sure where you got this.  We acutally have a very nice budget, like I posted about it has nothing to do with budgets. 

@Bablingbrooke- Also, am I the only one who's a little suspicious that her FI wants to take her family completely out of the picture for the wedding?  That would be a red flag for me, personally, since I could never marry someone who felt that way.  (And I'm the one who wanted to elope with just our immediate families, but it was so important to my DH that our extended families be there that we had the big fat wedding with 100+ family.)  I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying I couldn't.

Wow, I can't even believe you posted this. Did you even read my posts.  This was our idea together!!!! Reg flags, are you kidding?!  LOL This whole post is cracking me up really.  I have the most giving, selfless, kind FI and that you would even post this is stupid.

JoeysBabe49

@Trix1223 -Your immediate family are your parents and siblings.  That's it.  I don't think you have a HUGE immediate family.  Now, when you factor in your aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents:  perhaps it gets huge.

Acutally we both have over 30 people in our immediate family. lots parents, siblings and their kids...now when you factor in the rest of my family...its massive!!!!! lol

bablingbrooke

There's no need to get so defensive; I was merely throwing it out there.  The long and short of it is I think you will regret not having your parents there, and once you do it there's no going back.  I hope it's worth it to you.  Because, like I said, I think you'll regret it.   I also think you'll hurt your parents.  Some things are fine to pull the "it's our wedding and we'll do what we want" card over; this is not one of them.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-famlily-its-dw?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a7ab1a68-7644-458c-8193-67a400613dd1Post:1de9c3c8-feca-4559-bf10-48ee14b48891">Re: Help, how to tell famlily it's a DW</a>:
[QUOTE]@Bablingbrooke:  Parents, on the other hand...that's a pretty shiitty thing to do to them to save a couple of bucks.  I didn't say ANYTHING about doing this to save a couple of bucks, so I'm not quite sure where you got this.  We acutally have a very nice budget, like I posted about it has nothing to do with budgets.  @Bablingbrooke - Also, am I the only one who's a little suspicious that her FI wants to take her family completely out of the picture for the wedding?  That would be a red flag for me, personally, since I could never marry someone who felt that way.  (And I'm the one who wanted to elope with just our immediate families, but it was so important to my DH that our extended families be there that we had the big fat wedding with 100+ family.)  I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying I couldn't. Wow, I can't even believe you posted this. Did you even read my posts.  This was our idea together!!!! Reg flags, are you kidding?!  LOL This whole post is cracking me up really.  I have the most giving, selfless, kind FI and that you would even post this is stupid.
Posted by JoeysBabe49[/QUOTE]

OP, don't get too critical of bablingbrookes statement. It took you a while to do a follow up post and many times OPs don't give a lot of background info so people just guess on what a possible problem might be.

I didn't really want to get into the big debate that's going on but I just want to say that you family basically just has to respect your wishes with eloping alone. I know many parents have the dream of attending their child's wedding but sometimes we don't get what we want. As maybe a possible thing to ease the saddness of not being there is having someone tape your ceremony so you can show, my friend did this for her mom. But it is totally up to you.

aerinpegadrak

Nieces and nephews aren't immediate family.  You'd have to invite your siblings' spouses, but I don't think you're under any obligation to invite their kids.  Three of the five siblings between us have children, and the only kid who was invited was the one who was still nursing.  If some of them choose not to attend because their kids weren't on the guest list, that's up to them.

As I said, it's your right to elope.  But you asked for a way to make your family feel better about that choice, and there isn't one.  You have to accept their possibly life-long hurt feelings as a consequence of that action, just as you have to accept that you might not have exactly the wedding you envisioned if you don't want to hurt your loved ones.  Being an adult means making tough choices and dealing with what happens.  You can't always get everything you want, compromise is a necessary part of life.

jerseydevil

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-famlily-its-dw?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a7ab1a68-7644-458c-8193-67a400613dd1Post:dfe0775a-3ee1-496e-8520-de985668963a">Re: Help, how to tell famlily it's a DW</a>:
[QUOTE]Nieces and nephews aren't immediate family.  You'd have to invite your siblings' spouses, but I don't think you're under any obligation to invite their kids.  Three of the five siblings between us have children, and the only kid who was invited was the one who was still nursing.  If some of them choose not to attend because their kids weren't on the guest list, that's up to them. As I said, it's your right to elope.  <strong>But you asked for a way to make your family feel better about that choice, and there isn't one.  You have to accept their possibly life-long hurt feelings as a consequence of that action, just as you have to accept that you might not have exactly the wedding you envisioned if you don't want to hurt your loved ones.</strong>  Being an adult means making tough choices and dealing with what happens.  You can't always get everything you want, compromise is a necessary part of life.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

OP - The bolded part is really what it comes down to, IMO also.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, but my personal opinion is that excluding your parents and siblings if everything is ok with your relationships is a little cold. I'm curious, how does your FI's family feel about this?

Muffin'sMom

Having read all of the above, and coming in late to the conversation, I will say this:

Yes, you are absolutely entitled to have any kind of wedding you would like.

There are consequences for every decision you make.  As my dad used to say, "if you want to dance, someone is going to have to pay the band."  Make sure that you are willing to pay the price.

and finally...I completely understand what Trix and Maire said, but perhaps we need to turn it around.  My daughter would never have considered a ceremony that did not include her family.  Because you DON'T just marry each other, you marry the families.  If she had wanted small, it still would have included inviting the 50 members of the two families that are such a huge part of their lives.

So...suit yourselves, and choices have consequences.