Moms and Maids

Leaving and Cleaving

how do we  respond to the problem of a future mother-in-law who is overbearing, controlling, and meddling? Has anyone have this happen to them ? If so how did you handle it? How do you balance leaving  and cleaving (meaning he "leaves" his mother and father and "cleaves" unto his wife )  with still honoring your parents?
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Re: Leaving and Cleaving

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would need much more information before I could answer that question.  You don't have to get totally personal, but I know I'd need a rough idea of the issue.  Is she mean to you and your FI isn't standing up to her?  Is she meddling in every decision?  Is your FI putting her before you?  Is it a problem you both have with her or just you?  Is it something completely different?  Different advice would apply to each problem.
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  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We both have problem with her . FH stands up to her and she will stop for like a day and get right back in our business . I mean its everything from call FH 10 times a day to come over unannounced to making  decisions for us , Telling people we will be somewhere or do something with out asking us. She also tell us what ever doing on the weekend and then gets upset when we tell her that me already have plans .I mean if you can think of it she has done it. Theres a long history , I have been with Fh for about a year and half and it has been a headache .
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    FH needs to set up some boundaries, and quick.  My MIL can be really overbearing but I hardly see it since my DH set up boundaries with her years before he met me so she knows where the line is.  Why has he never stopped this?  You say he stands up to her, but apparently it isn't enough.

    For lack of a better term, you knew what you were signing up for with this.  It's up to your FH to truly set boundaries.  If she shows up unannounced, HE needs to tell her to go and that she isn't welcome in the home unless she calls first.  If she calls ten times a day, HE needs to screen the calls and only answer one call per day (and let her know you will only be picking up once).  If she is trying to make plans for you, HE needs to tell her that you have other plans.  

    See a common denominator here?
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh yeah I know he needs to and he does. But she try to "sneak" around them . Like she will stop by while he is at work and she knows I am home with Jackson (19 months old) . I can't live with my blinds closed and my house looking like I am not home all the time.    Thanks for the suggestions.  We  are starting our marriage counseling in July. Its a 12 week program with our church . So I am hoping this will help him  set better boundries with her. He tries but I guess when he has had to deal with her for so long he gets kind of discouraged with her. I think its going to come to the point where we won't be talking to her anymore and it kind of sucks for my FFIL becuase he wont be able to see us as much because of her.
    Anniversary
  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she drops by unannounced, open the door, look surprised to see her, and say "I'm sorry this isn't a good time.  I wish you had called before you'd gone to the trouble of driving over here.  I will see you at X time" and then close the door.
    Married 10/2/10
  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    quotequeen I am going to try that one next time. Usually I try to keep it short and sweet . Like oh hey sorry were about to leave maybe you can call and  come by some other time. Its hard right now because we only have one car, we just sold our truck so we could have more room . So in a few months were getting a new truck for the FH .  But then I just tell her that a friend or my mother are picking me up to go run arrands or something.  We are slowly distancing ourselves from her . We have had many talks with her and its to the point where we have to not speak with her.
    Anniversary
  • Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    Good idea about the pre-wedding marriage counseling.  Hopefully the minister will have some good suggestions on dealing with overbearing MILs.

    I never had to deal with a MIL, but sometimes my own mother would get overbearing with thinking she had all the answers for how everyone else should live their life (according to her agenda).  DH never had a problem just telling them no, but it took me much longer to learn to stand up to her. 

    Once when my parents were trying to manipulate me into doing something that was what they wanted, but not in our chldren's best interest, one of them mentioned that they raised us to "honor thy father and mother". 

    I explained to them that "honoring" them did not mean we had to blindly obey them for the rest of my life.  I pointed out that I could honor them by being the decent person they raised me to be, and by doing what I thought was right for my own family/marriage/kids.  Even if it wasn't what they wanted for their own reasons. 

    I acknowledged that they did a good job, and set a good example for me to follow, but they had done their job, had their turn, now it was my turn.  It was if a light when on for them, and they were absolutely speechless (in a good way). 

    For the first time, I felt truly "grown up", and it was a real turning point in our relationship, when they started respecting me more as an adult and a mother. 

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    She can only do as much as you allow her to do.  QQ has a great suggestion. 

    Don't lie when she shows up unannounced.  Just stand at the door and tell her that you're sorry you can't see her now, but you have plans.  (Perhaps your plans are to watch The Price is Right, but she doesn't have to know that.)  Then close the door.

    When she makes a suggestion about what you should do, smile and say "Thanks for the suggestion, Myrna.  We'll consider it."  Then consider it and do what you wanted to do in the first place.

    When she calls your FI 10 times a day, have him ignore the calls.  Or block them.

    When she tells people you'll do something, it's not your problem.  It's hers.  If they ask why you didn't do "thus and so" or show up somewhere~tell them honestly that Myrna made those plans without consulting you first and you already had plans.

    It's really a terrible situation that you're in.  Your FI really needs to man up.  But it sounds like your FMIL is  the RL Marie Barone from "Everybody Loves Raymond".

    Good luck to you. 


    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah . We have people come up all the time and are like what happen to you on Friday ?  Were like ummm what you mean ? You were suppose to be at X and you never showed up. Were like I never knew we had plans and I never got a call from you . There always like oh well we talked to Candy and she said X.  Were like well sorry but Candy did not consult us on these plans and we make our own schedule . So next time make sure you talk to us first .

    He ignores the calls alot . Then she will email him and then call again and ask him he read the email yet . Ugh. Whenever he answers the phone he will be like hey whats up or like hey what do you need and she gets pissed . He like your calling me at work I can't talk and you know that.

    It doesn't help thats he is an only child and  she has no one else to go annoy .

    Thanks for the help and advice everyone.
    Anniversary
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