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Rogue Bridesmaid...

I have five bridesmaids... no MOH.... as my brother is going to be my witness... the first dress shopping excursion I went on with four of my Bridemaids and my mom didn't go as well  as I thought it would, I have talked to most of my bridesmaids and it turns out one of my bridesmaids who I felt slightly obligated to ask because she was the one who introduced my fiancee and I was being incredibly inappropriate while I was in the dressing room (talking about sex around my mom), and spent the rest of the day talking about her wedding and being a complete know it all. I hate drama and I've spoken with her about not repeating the talking about her wedding or talking about sex around my mom but I don't trust her to really behave herself. I'm on the fence about whether this friendship is going to last and know that if I ask her to not stand in our wedding we will not be friends anymore. I, like most brides, have some expectations about how events are going to go and I cannot trust her to behave accordingly... Has anyone had a similar experience and have advice on how to handle her?

Re: Rogue Bridesmaid...

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    jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rogue-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa1b80ec-d7c8-4193-a0b9-4a4f91eb0d0cPost:bb96072f-aa52-40e8-b5b9-3d4d019b2e16">Rogue Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have five bridesmaids... no MOH.... as my brother is going to be my witness... the first dress shopping excursion I went on with four of my Bridemaids and my mom didn't go as well  as I thought it would, I have talked to most of my bridesmaids and it turns out one of my bridesmaids who I felt slightly obligated to ask because she was the one who introduced my fiancee and I was being incredibly inappropriate while I was in the dressing room (talking about sex around my mom), and spent the rest of the day talking about her wedding and being a complete know it all. I hate drama and I've spoken with her about not repeating the talking about her wedding or talking about sex around my mom but I don't trust her to really behave herself. <strong>I'm on the fence about whether this friendship is going to last and know that if I ask her to not stand in our wedding we will not be friends anymore.</strong> I, like most brides, have some expectations about how events are going to go and I cannot trust her to behave accordingly... Has anyone had a similar experience and have advice on how to handle her?
    Posted by goldtable6[/QUOTE]

    If you ask her to step down, you are right - you will not be friends anymore.

    I haven't really had anything similar happen, but I'm not really sure what you mean by not trusting her to behave herself. All she needs to do is stand up during your ceremony, wear a dress and hold some flowers. What are your expectations, exactly?
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    mgietler76mgietler76 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rogue-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa1b80ec-d7c8-4193-a0b9-4a4f91eb0d0cPost:bb96072f-aa52-40e8-b5b9-3d4d019b2e16">Rogue Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have five bridesmaids... no MOH.... as my brother is going to be my witness... the first dress shopping excursion I went on with four of my Bridemaids and my mom didn't go as well  as I thought it would, I have talked to most of my bridesmaids and it turns out one of my bridesmaids who I felt slightly obligated to ask because she was the one who introduced my fiancee and I was being incredibly inappropriate while I was in the dressing room (talking about sex around my mom), and spent the rest of the day talking about her wedding and being a complete know it all. I hate drama and I've spoken with her about<strong> not repeating the talking about her wedding </strong>or talking about sex around my mom but I don't trust her to really behave herself. I'm on the fence about whether this friendship is going to last and know that if I ask her to not stand in our wedding we will not be friends anymore. I, like most brides, have some expectations about how events are going to go and I cannot trust her to behave accordingly... Has anyone had a similar experience and have advice on <strong>how to handle her?
    </strong>Posted by goldtable6[/QUOTE]

    Why can't she talk about her wedding? Did her talk of sex upset your mother? If so just be an adult and tell her it made your mother uncomfortable when she was talking about sex.  If you tell her she's no longer a BM than you will be ending the friendship. The second bold part, you don't "handle" your friends, if all she has done is discuss her wedding and talk about sex around your mother than you are extremely overreacting.
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    goldtable6goldtable6 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Thanks for the advice ladies!

    I think I just needed a sounding board that did not have personal bias.
    I am going to back off and not involve her with wedding plans.


    As for my expectations for bridemaids is that they don't talk about their own wedding the majority of the time we're looking at wedding dresses for me.

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    mgietler76mgietler76 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rogue-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa1b80ec-d7c8-4193-a0b9-4a4f91eb0d0cPost:ed4fe562-775a-468d-8dbc-d13603249e20">Re: Rogue Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the advice ladies! I think I just needed a sounding board that did not have personal bias. I am going to back off and not involve her with wedding plans. <strong>As for my expectations for bridemaids is that they don't talk about their own wedding the majority of the time we're looking at wedding dresses for me</strong>.
    Posted by goldtable6[/QUOTE]

    Why not? I would think it would be nice to bounce ideas off one another since you are all planning weddings. Nobody is ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you and to ask that they don't discuss their weddings when you're doing things related to yours seems rather selfish to me.
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    edited December 2011
    I'm shocked by how many people have WP members and friends they feel they need to handle, censor, or otherwise watch.  What happened to accepting people at face value?

    You should ask her again to refrain from talking about sex around your mom. If she doesn't and it truly bothers your mom, maybe your mom should say something to her next time.

    You may not ask her not to talk about her wedding - ever.

    I doubt she morphed into this obnoxious person you've described  as soon as you asked her to be part of your wedding party.  You cannot ask her to step down from your wedding party.  That would be exceedingly rude. You've just got to deal with her.
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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rogue-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa1b80ec-d7c8-4193-a0b9-4a4f91eb0d0cPost:ed4fe562-775a-468d-8dbc-d13603249e20">Re: Rogue Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]As for my expectations for bridemaids is that they don't talk about their own wedding the majority of the time we're looking at wedding dresses for me.
    Posted by goldtable6[/QUOTE]

    Thats a litte zilla-ish to dictate when she can talk about her wedding.  And if I were your BM and you told me I'm not allowed to talk about my wedding during anything related to your wedding, I'd be pretty offended.  Its rude of her to go on and on about her wedding, but still, I think its rude of you to expect everyone to have their attention 100% on you.  I think you are perfectly fine to say 'hey, would you mind not talking about sex in front of my mom, we don't have that kind of relationship and its just awkward for me." 
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    edited December 2011
    Well to be honest our wedding dresses need to be ordered by December to be here on time.  I wonder what was said about the wedding of the bridesmaid.  If she was saying I did x but wish I did y I would say that was zilla-ish.  But if she said I did x and it was so awesome and beautiful I think bride should do x too.  I could see why you did not like that-you want your wedding to be unique!  

    Just talk to the bm and discuss what was said and why.  Explain to her why you want to keep your weddings separate.  But you can also not have her included and just show up in the right dress and behave.  If you really doubt her ability to know whats right and whats wrong-ask her to step down at your own risk.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rogue-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa1b80ec-d7c8-4193-a0b9-4a4f91eb0d0cPost:ed4fe562-775a-468d-8dbc-d13603249e20">Re: Rogue Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the advice ladies! I think I just needed a sounding board that did not have personal bias. I am going to back off and not involve her with wedding plans. <strong>As for my expectations for bridemaids is that they don't talk about their own wedding the majority of the time we're looking at wedding dresses for me.</strong>
    Posted by goldtable6[/QUOTE]
    Sorry, that's entirely unreasonable.  They aren't even required to go shopping for your dress with you, so if it really bothers you that much, don't invite her along.  Even if you are the reason for everyone going shopping, you do not need to be the topic of conversation the entire time.  Are you going to decree that people can't discuss their own lives at any other wedding-related event, too?  Because if you are, you might as well give your friends a heads-up now that you've gone off the deep end.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    courtney1188courtney1188 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rogue-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa1b80ec-d7c8-4193-a0b9-4a4f91eb0d0cPost:ed4fe562-775a-468d-8dbc-d13603249e20">Re: Rogue Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the advice ladies! I think I just needed a sounding board that did not have personal bias. I am going to back off and not involve her with wedding plans. <strong>As for my expectations for bridemaids is that they don't talk about their own wedding the majority of the time we're looking at wedding dresses for me.</strong>
    Posted by goldtable6[/QUOTE]

    Wow, really? That is pretty self-centered. You are both excited about your upcoming wedding. Being around wedding stuff reminds her of her own wedding she is planning...not very surprisingly. Unless she was putting down your plans or dress in comparison to hers, you're sounding pretty Bridezilla-ish in the bold part there.
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    erolliserollis member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My question is has she been a good friend up until the talking about sex and her wedding? If so I would let it go.

    Her already having planned a wedding would be a good person to help you out. She knows what you are going through since she has already been there. She may also have some recommendations for vendors or know who you should steer clear from.

    I have been on her end. But my "friends" did not mention my "rude" or "inappropriate" behavior until it was almost time for the wedding.Most of what was brought up was things that happened well before the engagement. I was even told not to cry at the wedding because the attention would then be on me and not the bride. I had cried at a friends wedding and obviously people don't cry at weddings. I was even instructed not to smile to big. If she has been a good friend to you don't end the friendship because she wont be a robot BM.
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    mgietler76mgietler76 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rogue-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aa1b80ec-d7c8-4193-a0b9-4a4f91eb0d0cPost:5d79b8a9-b767-445f-9abc-4ae7d8096b16">Re: Rogue Bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My question is has she been a good friend up until the talking about sex and her wedding? If so I would let it go. Her already having planned a wedding would be a good person to help you out. She knows what you are going through since she has already been there. She may also have some recommendations for vendors or know who you should steer clear from. I have been on her end. But my "friends" did not mention my "rude" or "inappropriate" behavior until it was almost time for the wedding.Most of what was brought up was things that happened well before the engagement.<strong> I was even told not to cry at the wedding because the attention would then be on me and not the bride. I had cried at a friends wedding and obviously people don't cry at weddings. I was even instructed not to smile to big.</strong>If she has been a good friend to you don't end the friendship because she wont be a robot BM.
    Posted by erollis[/QUOTE]

    Really?!? Wow some friend, I give you major kudos for sticking it out.
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    edited December 2011
    If the bare minimum for a bridesmaid is to show up and stand there in the dress then she doesn't have to participate in anything else that she doesn't want to.  If you specified from the start that you don't want them to talk about their own weddings at events they come to for your wedding planning and have told them that attendence isn't required at those evernts then I don't see anything wrong with asking her to keep to that agreement.  If she wants to talk about her wedding freely then she can't come to the dress hunting.  If she wants to come to the dress hunt then she'll not talk about her wedding.  If you both agreed to it then there shouldn't be a problem when you approacher her with the issue.  If you didn't make the agreement then you have to accept that people will talk whatever they want.

    Having said that, maybe ask her how she would feel if you started talking to her mother about your wedding and sex during her wedding planning excursions.  maybe she'll realize most mothers only care about their own daughter's weddings and stop inserting her own details into conversations where your mother is present.
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    edited December 2011
    Ok my opinion differs slightly from the majority.  I'm guessing goldtable6 wasn't meaning that her bridesmaid couldn't talk about her wedding AT ALL.  I think she means that this particular bridesmaid was monopilizing the convo by talking about her wedding.  Of course people should be able to freely talk about their wedding but not in a way to steal the spotlight from the bride they are there for.  If this bridesmaid was being a know-it-all then I would probably feel the same way that she was taking the attention of the day for herself.  I'm not going to say I know what you should do with this situation but maybe just not envolving her so much in the planning so you can keep your friendship and make this wedding go as smooth and drama free as possible. 


    I do have to say that I would be a little embarrassed if my bridesmaid was talking about sex in front of my mother and the fact that she chose that location and time to bring it up would bother me, too. So I'm with ya there lady!
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