First meeting: the mom who doesn't get along with son

lynnmfrank

HI everyone.  Need your advice.  My fiance and I have dated for nearly 3 years, but only decided to get married 4 months ago.  His mom has wanted to meet me for the past 3 years, but I have declined because he and his mother have an extremely stormy relationship. I've witnessed loud telephone arguments in which it's pretty easy to see that she's pushing his buttons.  My fiance has also confided in me that they have fought horribly in front of his teenage daughter, bringing her to tears.

Because I survived two extremely dysfunctional and abusive parents (both have passed on), and have done a good deal of personal therapy to move on from it, I have explained to my fiance that I simply don't have the emotional resources to deal with his.  He respects and accepts this.  But, the wedding changes everything.  I don't feel that we can exclude her from our celebration, so we have invited her. HOWEVER, now she wants to meet me before the wedding--which I understand, but am not sure if it's a good idea.  What would you do--how would you approach this sticky situation?

Kristin789

You have already survived your parents' abuse, and you have had a good deal of personal therapy to move on from it.

Done and done.

Now your FI's mother wants to meet you.  So meet her.  Schedule a lunch, then go and eat and talk and leave.  Period.

I don't really see the need to have "emotional resources to deal with this."  She's his MOTHER and she wants to meet the girl who is marrying her son.  Period.

What are you thinking?  That she will start a loud argument with you in the restaurant?  Then leave.  That she will start a loud argument with you on the phone?  Then hang up.  She's not YOUR mom, so you can just leave or hang up.  And she probably just wants to meet you.  Period.

trix1223

Wow.  This suprises even me that I'm going to say this    but Kristin's advice is excellent.  Schedule the meeting in a very public place.  Schedule it for a finite amount of time:  lunch is great, because when you're done eating you can either linger over coffee, or say "This has been a lovely lunch~let's do it again sometime."

You don't have to become friends.  Be cordial and gracious, and don't let her push any buttons or behave inappropriately.  GL

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-meeting-mom-doesnt-along-son?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aac51d58-8022-4a09-b739-9f83d242d42cPost:d411e437-4536-4b50-a359-d45759f01979">First meeting: the mom who doesn't get along with son</a>:
[QUOTE]HI everyone.  Need your advice.  My fiance and I have dated for nearly 3 years, but only decided to get married 4 months ago.  His mom has wanted to meet me for the past 3 years, but I have declined because he and his mother have an extremely stormy relationship. I've witnessed loud telephone arguments in which it's pretty easy to see that she's pushing his buttons.  My fiance has also confided in me that they have fought horribly in front of his teenage daughter, bringing her to tears. Because I survived two extremely dysfunctional and abusive parents (both have passed on), and have done a good deal of personal therapy to move on from it, I have explained to my fiance that I simply don't have the emotional resources to deal with his.  He respects and accepts this.  But, the wedding changes everything.  I don't feel that we can exclude her from our celebration, so we have invited her. HOWEVER, now she wants to meet me before the wedding--which I understand, but am not sure if it's a good idea.  What would you do--how would you approach this sticky situation?
Posted by lynnmfrank[/QUOTE]

From what you have described, I think you and FI would benefit from couples counseling before you decide anything.

MairePoppy

ditto Kristin!   This is a great strategy. Choose neutral territory, remain calm and polite, have an exit plan. You've dealt with your own difficult parents, so apply those same skills to this situation. You can do it!


Good luck.

lynnmfrank

Appreciate the quick, candid responses to my questions and, just because one person brought it up, we are already in couples counseling--though the reason is more centered around creating healthy boundaries for ourselves and our two daughters as our families blend, and less about his mom.  Pre-nup counseling is something I believe that every couple can benefit from simply because marraiges don't come with their own instruction books.

My fears regarding meeting his mom have been more centered around not being able to get away from them if they get into it--and my fellow-knotties have concretely reminded me that I can vote with my feet.  Thank you for that.  It really did help to hear it.

91711owens

I met my FI's  mom for the first time yesterday.  I made arrangements with my FSIL to plan a lunch meeting for the both of us.  I didn't have my FI go with me.  I wanted her to get to ME.  She already knows him.  hahaha!!  I was very nervous.  It felt like I was going on a blind date.  But, in all it went very well.

I would just do it.  Sometimes we make things alot harder than what they end up really being. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-meeting-mom-doesnt-along-son?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:aac51d58-8022-4a09-b739-9f83d242d42cPost:d411e437-4536-4b50-a359-d45759f01979">First meeting: the mom who doesn't get along with son</a>:
[QUOTE]HI everyone.  Need your advice.  My fiance and I have dated for nearly 3 years, but only decided to get married 4 months ago.  His mom has wanted to meet me for the past 3 years, but I have declined because he and his mother have an extremely stormy relationship. I've witnessed loud telephone arguments in which it's pretty easy to see that she's pushing his buttons.  My fiance has also confided in me that they have fought horribly in front of his teenage daughter, bringing her to tears. Because I survived two extremely dysfunctional and abusive parents (both have passed on), and have done a good deal of personal therapy to move on from it, I have explained to my fiance that I simply don't have the emotional resources to deal with his.  He respects and accepts this.  But, the wedding changes everything. <strong> I don't feel that we can exclude her from our celebration, so we have invited her.</strong> HOWEVER, now she wants to meet me before the wedding--which I understand, but am not sure if it's a good idea.  What would you do--how would you approach this sticky situation?
Posted by lynnmfrank[/QUOTE]

Can you clarify what I've bolded? Did your FI even want her to be invited?

Muffin'sMom

What Kristin said.  You don't have to be friends with her, but you will be related to her til death do you part.  Figure out how to have a surface cordial relationship with her.  No rule says you have to be "close".

lynnmfrank

Thanks for the support, everyone.

The main points I'm taking away from your advice:
-Meet in neutral territory. (Staying away from her home base.)
-Meet in public. (People behave better.)
-Walk away if bad behavior emerges. (No, you don't have to tolerate insanity.)

Why is it that we feel we must withstand things from relatives that we'd never allow from a stranger?  Appreciate everyone's help.

lynnmfrank

We've worked this out.  Sorry that I wasn't able to answer everyone's questions about the particulars, but you should know that my FI feels strongly about maintaining a  positive relationship with his mom and has worked hard to keep things as cool as possible with her.  That is one of the things I love about him: he has a sense of loyalty and is willing to compromise because, well, she's his mom.

He has also demonstrated that same loyalty to me by being more than willing to work with my comfort level to determine a way for his mom and I to meet.  He asked me what I was afraid of, as some of you have, and I was able to clarify that what I fear most is being around if they "get into it."  The neutral territory thing was the first thing he brought up to make me feel more comfortable.

He told me that he felt he could confidently commit to not allowing any confrontation to happen and that he felt his mom had a genuine desire to make a favorable impression on me and would likely avoid bringing up difficult topics.

With that in mind, we invited her to share a Thanksgiving meal with us at the same restaraunt where we will be holding our ceremony/brunch.  Because she can no longer drive due to vision issues, my FI will drive down to get her (2 hours away), bring her for dinner, and we have reserved a hotel room for her nearby.  My FI will driver her back the next morning. We have a convenient excuse of not housing her in our apartment because we  simply do not have the space. 

So, we will be on our own turf, Mom will get to be excited about seeing where the ceremony will be and where we live, while having an out-of-town get away in a nice hotel, and I can retreat to friends homes, area coffee houses or a number of any other safer locations, should words begin to fly.

I guess that we all find our own way to deal with these psychological puzzles--but it helped to hear how others have coped.  Thank you.