Bridesmaid Blunder

char.anderson88

Yesterday, one of my bridesmaids facebook messaged me that she feels like it would be inappropriate for her to be in my party any longer citing that I had "kept her out of the loop" and that I was being irresponsible because I was depending on others to pass along information, such as a bridal get-together to try on dresses and go out to lunch. She also mentioned that the wedding was starting to sound too expensive for her current lifestyle because I had planned a bachelorette party in Chicago and talked about the potential idea of the guys renting or buying suits instead of tuxes (her husband is standing up for my fiance).

This came as a complete shock and surprise to me, because I never asked anyone to relay information to her. I was hand-making cards for the get-together and was passing them out to my five bridesmaids individually, and hadn't gotten to her yet. My bachelorette party is not in Chicago, we are bar-hopping in a close-by city with a designated driver. The idea of buying/renting  suits was just that: an IDEA.

I'm hurt and angry about her decision especially considering it means my fiance will be responsible for asking one of his groomsmen to step down to keep the parties even. This situation also brought to my attention that my bridesmaids are gossiping about me behind my back, and I have a fair idea of who is. I don't know how to address the people involved and am unsure how to cope and let the bridal party know we are one less. My fiance is supportive and is convinced I did nothing to deserve this reaction. What should I do?

AdeleDazeem

Okay...

1. Do NOT have your fiance ask someone to step down.  Uneven wedding parties are fine.  And if you want to say "But I like even sides!!  I'm OCD about it!!" then I'm here to tell you that is a bad reason.  Wedding parties are about honoring your friends, not symmetry.  Imagine being asked to step down for the sake of "even sides."  How cruel.
You can also look at this thread about uneven sides: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridal-party-numbers

2. You don't plan your own bachelorette party.

3. It sounds like your friend freaked out a little bit about money.  It happens.  I had my own meltdown this morning about finances.  Money is tight and weddings are expensive for everyone involved, not just the bride and groom and their families.  I'd honestly just talk to her.  Say renting/buying was an idea, but if it's too expensive then you'd drop it.  Tell her that her standing in the wedding is more important than money (and that should be the truth ...right?) and see what you can do to work it out.

Remember that weddings aren't solely about the bride and groom.  Being good hosts is about being considerate of your friends and their feelings.  This should also be a two way street.  When miscommunications happen, which they inevitably will, then just stop and discuss the problem. 

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-blunder?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ac15da20-e389-4f45-b3d3-062904300cd5Post:df3dc68f-5d06-4e80-8fd6-77341e93e1ff">Bridesmaid Blunder</a>:
[QUOTE]Yesterday, one of my bridesmaids facebook messaged me that she feels like it would be inappropriate for her to be in my party any longer citing that I had "kept her out of the loop" and that I was being irresponsible because I was depending on others to pass along information, such as a bridal get-together to try on dresses and go out to lunch. She also mentioned that the wedding was starting to sound too expensive for her current lifestyle because I had planned a bachelorette party in Chicago and talked about the potential idea of the guys renting or buying suits instead of tuxes (her husband is standing up for my fiance)

. This came as a complete shock and surprise to me, because I never asked anyone to relay information to her. I was hand-making cards for the get-together and was passing them out to my five bridesmaids individually, and hadn't gotten to her yet.

<strong>You made a mistake by handing out the cards you made one at a time instead of mailing them so everyone received them at the same time.  OF COURSE she thought she was being left out of the loop.  The other girls got a card telling them about a get together and sharing your ideas.  She didn't get one.  What would you think if everyone else got the info and you didn't?  Your mistake:  you need to call her, apologize, and explain YOUR blunder.
</strong>
My bachelorette party is not in Chicago, we are bar-hopping in a close-by city with a designated driver. The idea of buying/renting  suits was just that: an IDEA.

<strong>Call her and explain that there's been a misunderstanding.  Tell her that you're not planning the b-party at all.  Because you don't plan it.  That's a huge faux pas.

And if no one else does, then you don't have a b-party.  Also:  a b-party invitation is not a subpoena.  If she can't make the party that someone else plans, let her know that you completely understand and want nothing more than her by your side on your wedding day.
</strong>
I'm hurt and angry about her decision especially considering it means my fiance will be responsible for asking one of his groomsmen to step down to keep the parties even.

<strong>Lose the idea of symmetry being the driving force in your WP.   Please don't even think about telling your FI that he has to kick a friend out of the wedding because your BM dropped out.  What do you think will be the downside of you having one less BM than he has GM.  You'll still be just as married at the end of the ceremony, won't you? 

And how would you feel if the circumstances were reversed?  Would you be comfortable kicking one of your friends out of the wedding if one of his friends drops out?
</strong>
This situation also brought to my attention that my bridesmaids are gossiping about me behind my back, and I have a fair idea of who is. I don't know how to address the people involved  <strong>

you don't.  You ignore hearsay.  You also understand that people will vent to each other because they don't want to vent to you and hurt your feelings.  Ignore anyone who's telling you that your WP is "gossiping behind your back."  After all, that's pretty much what you're doing right now.
</strong>
and am unsure how to cope and let the bridal party know we are one less. My fiance is supportive and is convinced I did nothing to deserve this reaction. What should I do?

<strong>If you simply call your friend, apologize for your error in letting some people know what the plans are, and not getting in touch with her, and then let her know that you really want her standing with you on your wedding day, you won't have to let anyone know that you "are one less".

You can fix this.  Because it actually started with your mistake.  You should be the one to fix this.</strong>
Posted by char.anderson88[/QUOTE]

EJCart

Give her a call and hash it all out . . .  doing things thru facebook/email can hide your tone and you don't want feelings that are already bruised becoming even more hurt if she misunderstands your email.

MairePoppy

The bms have passed along to each other the ideas that you have bounced off them. That is not 'gossiping behind your back.' Call your friend to offer an apology over the 'card blunder.' And ask her to reconsider. Do you really want to lose a friend over such a petty issue?

Let your bm know that you plan to respect everyones' budget. Ask each bm, privately, how much they are able to budget for their dresses. Work within the lowest amount. If you go over, you pay the difference. Don't require extras, like special shoes that you have selected, professional hair and makeup or accessories.

Your fi should have the same conversation with his attendants.

It would be very rude and unnecessary to drop someone from the wedding party to even up sides.

melissamc2

Trix covered most of what I was going to say.

Although, I'm not really sure that your fiance would have to worry about asking anyone to step down, anyway - couples usually stay united on things like this.