Planning w/ Mom - Need to get HER Organized - HELP -

Melar79

I need some advice please

My mom and I are planning everything. This is a 300 guest wedding and we are about to be in our 8 months closer to the wedding.

My mom is not good with computers. She is cancelling appointments b/c she is sick or needs to get her hair done and then telling me that she forget.

I am thinking about printing her off a itemized list / calendar thing. Or should I go by her a wedding planner of her own?

How do I simplize this so she can't continue doing this.

She wont let me plan anything without her final say so.

I'm really starting to lose myself in all this planning. Please tell me what to do!

HappinessByTheKilowatt

Take a deep breath. You have 9 months. Many people get engaged and plan their wedding in shorter times than that.

A To-Do list would be helpful to both of you, so that you can prioritize what needs to be done. Not everything needs to be done "OMG RIGHT NOWWWWWWW!" Basically, as long as you have your major vendors booked, you will be able to take your time with everything else. I don't think it requires a special wedding planner or anything, but knowing what needs to be done is good. If she is cancelling appointments, ask her what the problem is, and if you can go alone. You can narrow it down to what you like, and then get her final say so. I promise both of you, the world won't end.

And I believe the word you are looking for is "simplify".

Good luck!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_planning-w-mom-need-her-organized?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:adc385f1-c50a-44f7-a69e-9f95f4d91cd0Post:15c847da-b5a0-4bc2-8698-8925c723206f">Planning w/ Mom - Need to get HER Organized - HELP -</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some advice please My mom and I are planning everything. This is a 300 guest wedding and we are about to be in our 8 months closer to the wedding. My mom is not good with computers. She is cancelling appointments b/c she is sick or needs to get her hair done and then telling me that she forget. I am thinking about printing her off a itemized list / calendar thing. Or should I go by her a wedding planner of her own? How do I simplize this so she can't continue doing this. <strong>She wont let me plan anything without her final say so.</strong> I'm really starting to lose myself in all this planning. Please tell me what to do!
Posted by Melar79[/QUOTE]

Why? Is she paying for your wedding?

Caroli1210

You have plenty of time to plan a wedding! I think you should sit down with her and ask how involved she wants to be. Then figure out what tasks she feels comfortable handling. Having her own planner isn't a bad idea because it breaks down what you should be doing every month. You can also use the spreadsheet on TK- I thought it was helpful. I would print it out for my mom because she works better with a pen and paper.
Also, keep in mind this may be overwhelming for her too.
Just relax and try to have fun- it doesn't have to be stressful if you're on the same page and communicate!

ichellemay1

Use TKs checklist as a guide.  As I am planning a really simple wedding I was able to delete a lot of the tasks, but it was a great start for a to-do list.  I printed out pages and have them in a binder - they are arranged by the dates they need to be completed.

You wouldn't have to do something that elaborate for your Mom, but hopefully that will give you a starting point.  GL!

Cynthia1207

Why does she need to have the final say?  If she's paying ok, if she's not, the decision is yours and FI's.  I don't get why you can't just plan it without her right to veto. 

That being said, if you still need her to be involved give her a checklist of things that need to be done.  Tell her if she misses an appointment, you're going alone and will make the choice alone (or preferably with FI). 

Your mom isn't your wedding planner.  The only persons that needs to be organized are you and FI.  If FI cannot help you plan, the responsibility falls on you.  If you don't think your mom is the reliable ally you need, I say go ahead and get a wedding planner.

Melar79

Thanks for your respnses, From what I am reading so far, my mom - even though she & my dad are paying, does not and should not? be involved in every say so??

My FI & I went to a cake tasting the other day. She was the only appt we had made for cakes. We really liked them and when I told my mom she flipped out saying we need to go to more than one bakery. I can understand caterers, but cakes?! Also, that was another appt she wanted to go to and missed.

I guess she feels like she has to be there for every vendor and has to decide what and who we can use. As a compromise... I dont know.

I know that wedding planning should be fun but I feel like I'm losing it! I am working full-time going to school until late at night and I am trying to plan a wedding.... I feel like I am not handling this the best way possible.  

LoveMuffins

No, when Mom's paying she does get to be involved in the decision making. If she wasn't paying, then her say so wouldn't matter. However, it sounds like you should sit down and have a talk with her and tell her a couple things:

1. If she doesn't make the appointments, there's nothing you can do about that and if she wants to be part of the decision, she needs to be there to be part of it.
2. If you are happy with a vendor then you don't need to visit others.
3. You really, really appreciate that she's paying for everything, but you're starting to feel very stressed about the way planning is going so far.

You've got pleeenty of time, even if she wants occasional things like visting more than one cake person. I think you might benefit from a wedding planner book, because you definitely don't even need to be doing cake tastings yet. I love my planner book because it tells me when the 'usual' time to do things is (cake is around 4-5 months according to it). I feel a lot less stressed knowing that I can do things in an orderly, chronologically-sensible fashion and that I don't need to get everything done immediately.

Is it possible she's not making some of these appointments because you have too many going on in a short time frame? I got to about one vendor appointment a month, maybe two. Is it possible that you're trying to pack too much into each month?

Caroli1210

Well, if she and your dad are paying then it's up to them how involved they want to be. I had a budget and my parent's let me make the final decisions re: cake, band, tent; rentals, etc. but I had to keep up with the costs and stay in the budget (as much as possible). Just have a phone conversation and get on the same page. Let her know your frustrations. It sounds lilke you have a lot on your plate and sometimes planning a wedding seems like a full time job. There were a few times when I had to send an e-mail to both parent's and explain that I was panicking about something or another.

The checklists are really helpful so use them. Honestly, you can probably put the cake off for awhile and focus on what needs to be done now. That might help with the stress a little. Hope this helps!

DNAtime

My parents are paying for a significant part of our wedding. They gave us a $$ amount and we outlined a tentative budget and decided what items our parents would contribute to.  These things are things my mom requested "approval for" before booking.  Thats fine.

However, we just couldn't manage to find time to meet with her and the vendors at the same time. So I just invited her to appointments and if she couldn't come, then she didn't.  I let her know which vendor I picked with as much info as I could give her and told her I wanted to book by X date. This gave her a few days to do her own homework on the vendor if she desired.  This has worked great for us. 

Basically, I would plan your own wedding, invite your mom and let her know what you are doing.  But if she doesn't need to hold your hand the whole time. If she can't make the appoint ment you go to, then she can make her own appointment on her own time. 

StephieBow

hmmm.. even though she is paying, she doesn't have the right to control your wedding, it's your day, not hers.  That said, she should be involved in planning.

My parents are paying for half the wedding and my mom is involved in everything BUT my opinion trumps hers, always.  She agrees with that 100%.  She is the first one to say that it's my day and that ultimately I need to be happy and they are contributing to the wedding to make sure I get the special day I want.  My FIs parents are contributing to the wedding as well but my FMIL is way more hands off.

Money doesn't = control.  I'd sit down with your mom and talk to her about it because if it's this bad now, it's only going to get worse as you get closer to the day. The longer you let it go, the harder it will be to deal with.

Heather8505

I'd say it depends on the family on whether money=control.  Not everyone is so lucky.  BUT, if your mom is missing appts, that's on her.  I wouldn't book the person right then; let your mom have a chance like a PP said.  Another option would be to take your mom to a bridal fair so she can see many vendors at one time and try cake and all that good stuff.  You have plenty of time to finalize little details; just get your main vendors.  In your mom's defense though, I do see the point on shopping around even if simply to price shop.  My first cake person gave me a price of $6.50 a serving versus my baker at $2.50-  for the same cake.  I'd always say see at least 2 ppl for anything you book unless it's maybe rentals or something like that.