Question about PoB buying drinks for some guests at cash bar reception

lovemygrandkids

My DD and FSIL have made the decision to have a cash bar at their wedding reception.  Based on what I have read on this forum I realize that most people frown on this.  I tend to agree with this.  However, having said this, in the region I live in, and where the wedding will be held, cash bars are the norm.  The owners of the wedding venue have said that all weddings held there are cash bars with a few exceptions having the cocktail hour as open bar.  Most weddings we have attended in this area have been cash bars.

In my extended family (not my husband's) open bars are the norm and since my extended family is very small, but coming from quite a distance, my husband and I thought we might buy their drinks for them.  We would try and do this on the QT (although we would discuss this first with my DD and FSIL), but were wondering if we would be creating another breach in etiquette.

It is not specifically financial reasons that they are opting for a cash bar.  Apparently there are some family members on the groom's side that have a problem with over-indulging which would lead them to conducting themselves in an appropriate manner.

Bar prices are very reasonable and there is no difference in prices between beer, wine and basic alcoholic drinks with mix.  We are already paying for a significant portion of the wedding expenses which don't include the bar.

trix1223

Frankly, it's my experience that if someone wants to get trashed at a wedding or other event, they'll do it, whether it's on their dime or someone else's.  I don't think having a cash bar is going to prevent inappropriate behavior by some of your FSIL's guests.

It is, as you suspected, a breach of etiquette to provide different levels of service to some guests and leave some out.  That would, IMO, include paying for the drinks of your family, but not other guests.

I have to say, as a guest, I'd be put off if I went to the bar and saw one person get a drink without paying for it, only to be told that mine was $5.   I'd wonder why, no matter how quietly you tried to arrange for it to happen.  I just don't think what you're proposing is possible.

I think it's admirable of you, and I'd try my darndest to convince my DD and FSIL to have a hosted bar.  Short of that, I think you just need to spread the word to your family that the wedding will have a cash bar.

Perhaps, though, you can do something else for your family:  pick up their hotel room tab or host a breakfast for your family the morning after the wedding.

lovemygrandkids

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_question-pob-buying-drinks-guests-cash-bar-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ae6d9d24-53e4-4c03-9116-a749c9eeaa70Post:55893c46-094b-44cd-8104-7b0c242821c1">Re: Question about PoB buying drinks for some guests at cash bar reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Frankly, it's my experience that if someone wants to get trashed at a wedding or other event, they'll do it, whether it's on their dime or someone else's.  I don't think having a cash bar is going to prevent inappropriate behavior by some of your FSIL's guests. It is, as you suspected, a breach of etiquette to provide different levels of service to some guests and leave some out.  That would, IMO, include paying for the drinks of your family, but not other guests. I have to say, as a guest, I'd be put off if I went to the bar and saw one person get a drink without paying for it, only to be told that mine was $5.   I'd wonder why, no matter how quietly you tried to arrange for it to happen.  I just don't think what you're proposing is possible. I think it's admirable of you, and I'd try my darndest to convince my DD and FSIL to have a hosted bar.  Short of that, I think you just need to spread the word to your family that the wedding will have a cash bar. Perhaps, though, you can do something else for your family:  pick up their hotel room tab or host a breakfast for your family the morning after the wedding.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

I realize that trix about the getting trashed part. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" /> In fact I've already mentioned that to my DD. We would not establish a tab at the bar for only our side of the family, it would be done on a more casual basis.  For instance buy a drink for family as we socialize with them.  My husband and I have always been known to be good hosts and that we make our guests feel comfortable.  This has us embarrassed.  We will be talking with our DD and FSIL again about this.

We are already hosting the RD and a Sunday morning brunch for all family as it is. We'll see what happens.

Thankyou for your reply. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

MairePoppy

I'm so sorry that you have been put in such an embarrassing position. Buying drinks for some guests and not others will not improve the situation. It also won't stop the drunks from getting trashed.
Try to negotiate with your daughter and her fi. Your opinion should be taken into consideration since you are paying for a large part for the wedding. As a compromise, you could pay for drinks during cocktail hour and dinner for all guests. Close the bar and switch to coffee after dinner. The other option would be to have a dry wedding. Bottom line, you should treat all guests the same.

MOBinFLA

I agree that paying for some guests' drinks but not all, just wouldn't be right. 

How about not having the brunch and paying for the bar instead?

bablingbrooke

If they think a cash bar will stop some relatives from getting smashed, they can think again.  They either need to 1) not invite those relatives, 2) not have booze at the wedding, or 3) accept that they cannot control others' behaviour and not punish everyone for a few irresponsible people.  

lovemygrandkids

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_question-pob-buying-drinks-guests-cash-bar-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ae6d9d24-53e4-4c03-9116-a749c9eeaa70Post:2c3dd803-5ce2-4d23-9ae2-b6f933916972">Re: Question about PoB buying drinks for some guests at cash bar reception</a>:
[QUOTE]If they think a cash bar will stop some relatives from getting smashed, they can think again.  They either need to 1) not invite those relatives, 2) not have booze at the wedding, or 3) accept that they cannot control others' behaviour and not punish everyone for a few irresponsible people.  
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I'm with you on numbers 1 and 3. 

We will see what happens and thankyou everyone for your suggestions.

shortgirltx

Do they have to have bartenders?  We had a limited open bar with wine and beer and it cost around $350 for us total without bartenders.  The people we had problems with were drinking before the ceremony even started on their own stuff and would have continued drinking on their own stuff if we didn't give them anything at the wedding. 

akmackay

I agree. If you want to pay for your family's drinks... you should pay for everyone's. I personally hate cash bars at weddings, but different areas of the countries have different expectations. Another option I can give you- At work parties they give 2 free drinks/person (with using tickets) and the rest you pay. This would probably be bad etiquette, but you could just give more tickets to your side of the family throughout the night. Could get cute tickets personalized too.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_question-pob-buying-drinks-guests-cash-bar-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ae6d9d24-53e4-4c03-9116-a749c9eeaa70Post:1c42b53a-3b55-4f8d-98fe-70343ff6e1da">Re: Question about PoB buying drinks for some guests at cash bar reception</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree. If you want to pay for your family's drinks... you should pay for everyone's. I personally hate cash bars at weddings, but different areas of the countries have different expectations. Another option I can give you- At work parties they give 2 free drinks/person (with using tickets) and the rest you pay. This would probably be bad etiquette, but you could just give more tickets to your side of the family throughout the night. Could get cute tickets personalized too.
Posted by akmackay[/QUOTE]

ak:  I understand what you're saying, but as soon as you start treating some guests different than others, someone finds out and feelings get hurt.  Giving 1/2 of the guests 2 drink tickets, and your side more will backfire for sure.

I still think you have to treat all guests the same.  In this situation, the POB feel uncomfortable, but short of getting their DD and her FI to change their minds,  sadly there's little they can do about it.