Am I being unreasonable?!

tracyt14

OK- so I am getting married in November in Florida and I am having my bachelorette/shower at the end of October in DC.  I decided on DC because, 1st- I just moved from there and figured it would be fun to go back but 2nd- because of my 3 bridesmaids, one lives there and of the 3 I figured she would have the hardest time going anywhere else (finances etc). 

Well I just got an email from her telling me that she was not going to be able to make my shower that Saturday afternoon because she was going to go to a John Stewart Rally on the Mall.  I'm very upset and my feelings are really hurt.  To add insult to injury- I had assumed that she wasn't able to participate in Friday nights festivites because she had another wedding to attend (perfectly legit reason)-- but then she tells me she might not go to that wedding and makes no attempt to say she will be at dinner with me on Friday night if she doesn't go...and as for Saturday night- (which is supposed to be the big "hoopla") she says she'll meet out later for a drink.  Just a drink. 

My feelings are really hurt.  My two other bridesmaids are flying in, staying at a hotel and doing dinner Friday, Shower Saturday and the Bachelorette stuff Saturday night!  I don't think I've been a high maintenance bride at all...I let the DC BM order her dress from a cheaper website (and the dress looks totally different-- don't get me started...but I just shrugged my shoulders and figured we'll make it work), I'm trying to find her some place to stay at the wedding so that it helps absorb costs, I'm paying for her hair the day of the wedding (normal I know but still)-- and I decided on DC specifically so she could be there!!  I could've had my shower/bachelorette in Chicago where my sister lives!

I don't know what to do.  I know she is not a huge fan of wedding stuff...but seriously?  John Stewart rally over coming to a friends shower?  I sent her back an email explaining how I felt in a pretty tactful way-- but I haven't heard from her.  Am I being unreasonable to want to see my friend when I'm in DC for my shower/bachelorette?  (And no- I'd be ok wth not seeing her for EVERYTHING-- even though my other two maids are doing everything...) But the shower isn't even going to cost her anything!  She just has to show up, eat cake and drink champagne!  What do I do?  And what do I do if she doesn't respond to my email?  The whole thing is making me sick to my stomach and clearly is making me question my choices in friends. 

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:af7c3c2d-2561-40bd-b087-a1a4d2edd249Post:eea68392-b839-4b20-b306-79903dad1c27">Am I being unreasonable?!</a>:
[QUOTE]OK- so I am getting married in November in Florida and I am having my bachelorette/shower at the end of October in DC.  I decided on DC because, 1st- I just moved from there and figured it would be fun to go back but 2nd- because of my 3 bridesmaids, one lives there and of the 3 I figured she would have the hardest time going anywhere else (finances etc).  Well I just got an email from her telling me that she was not going to be able to make my shower that Saturday afternoon because she was going to go to a John Stewart Rally on the Mall.  I'm very upset and my feelings are really hurt.  To add insult to injury- I had assumed that she wasn't able to participate in Friday nights festivites because she had another wedding to attend (perfectly legit reason)-- but then she tells me she might not go to that wedding and makes no attempt to say she will be at dinner with me on Friday night if she doesn't go...and as for Saturday night- (which is supposed to be the big "hoopla") she says she'll meet out later for a drink.  Just a drink.  My feelings are really hurt.  My two other bridesmaids are flying in, staying at a hotel and doing dinner Friday, Shower Saturday and the Bachelorette stuff Saturday night!  I don't think I've been a high maintenance bride at all...I let the DC BM order her dress from a cheaper website (and the dress looks totally different-- don't get me started...but I just shrugged my shoulders and figured we'll make it work), I'm trying to find her some place to stay at the wedding so that it helps absorb costs, I'm paying for her hair the day of the wedding (normal I know but still)-- and I decided on DC specifically so she could be there!!  I could've had my shower/bachelorette in Chicago where my sister lives! I don't know what to do.  I know she is not a huge fan of wedding stuff...but seriously?  John Stewart rally over coming to a friends shower?  I sent her back an email explaining how I felt in a pretty tactful way-- but I haven't heard from her.  Am I being unreasonable to want to see my friend when I'm in DC for my shower/bachelorette?  (And no- I'd be ok wth not seeing her for EVERYTHING-- even though my other two maids are doing everything...) But the shower isn't even going to cost her anything!  She just has to show up, eat cake and drink champagne!  What do I do?  And what do I do if she doesn't respond to my email?  The whole thing is making me sick to my stomach and clearly is making me question my choices in friends. 
Posted by tracyt14[/QUOTE]

jagore08

I can understand that you feel hurt by her not choosing you especially since you requested your parties to be in DC where she is.  But you are the one who requested it.  The way I see this, you have two options.

1. Wait for her response and have it out with her (and it won't end well because I'm sure she'll get defensive and you'll be angry).  Probably not the best idea.

or 2. Tell her that you're sorry she won't be able to make it to all the festivities and that she'll be missed.  Then go about your fun weekend with your other BM and friends and have a great time because it's only what you make of it.

You can dwell on the fact that your BM isn't there and she chose to do something else or you can move on and have a great time. 

KatyRoseM

I get why that would be upsetting.  You don't feel important to her, and I wouldn't either.  I would talk to her about the fact that your coming into town and she won't take the time to see you.  She may not see it that way, and she should understand that this hurts you. 

tldh

FWIW, I'm also a huge Jon Stewart fan and would absolutely skip the wedding shower of anyone who wasn't my absolute best friend in order to go to this rally - even then I'm not sure I would skip it. (and for the record, I would have been okay had she wanted to skip my shower for the Glen Beck rally).

The rally isn't going to last all day - she'll still be free to go to the B-party that night.  The only duties of a bridesmaid is to stand next to you during the ceremony.  Everything else is extra.  I understand you being disappointed but please try to remember that your BMs have lives of their own.  It doesn't sound like she requested that you move this to DC, you decided to do that (why you are involved in planning your own shower and B-party is a question for another time)

I really wonder just how tactful your e.mail to her was considering how upset you are telling us.

tracyt14

OK ladies...all good advice and I appreciate it.  I guess you all are right- I made the decision to have it in DC.  I guess now what I have to figure out is how to get past it-- which is my own issue-- I know...  But I feel like I have been jumping thru hoops for her and after this-- I just sorta don't feel like jumping thru anymore hoops. (sigh)  So I will let it alone-- and have fun without her.  Would everyone tell me how they would respond when people question why my 3rd BM isn't at my shower or bachelorette party though?  I mean, what do I say?  -- Just that I guess she had more important things to do?  I'm going to get alot of those questions...and I want to handle it tactfully. Ugh- I am going to have a hard time with this. 

And for the record-- I do think my email was pretty nice and tactful...it was more along the lines of, "I'm just going to miss seeing you this weekend" blah blah blah.

SO move forward I will!

mysticl

If anyone bothers to ask where she is just say she had a scheduling conflict and change the topic.  I went to a bachelorette party where only one of like 5 BM attended and not all of them attended her shower either. 

jagore08

If anyone asks why she isn't there, don't say she had more important things to do.  It sounds like you're bitter about it (and you might be but you don't want other people to know that).  Just say that she wasn't able to make it to this event but said she's meeting up for drinks at the bachelorette party, then change the subject.  If they keep asking questions just ignore them and keep changing the subject.

trix1223

Saying she had "more important things to do" is just snotty.  Simply say she had other plans.

FWIW:  I get that you're disappointed, but YOU shouldn't have planned the b-party at all.  It's an etiquette faux pas to do that.  And I also have to say that I simply wouldn't fly anywhere for a b-party for anyone.  I realize that you're going to the BM in question, but it was in poor taste for you to tell her that she has to attend a party you're throwing for yourself on a day that was not convenient for her.

Be disappointed.  And then it go.  Why spend the day pouting about the one person who can't be there instead of enjoying those who are there.

And one last thing:  I hope you've already gotten your rooms.  My DH and I have to be in DC that weekend for something for our DD.  Hotel rooms are GONE, and those that are available have jacked up their prices to 4X what they usually charge. 

tracyt14

Just for the record- I didn't plan my bachelorette party or shower AT ALL!!  My sister asked where I would prefer to have it-- and I told her in DC...she has taken care of everything bachelorette related and my aunt decided that she wanted to throw me a shower that same weekend once she found out it was in DC.  The only decision I made regarding the weekend was where the festivities would be. 

And yes- according to my sister, the hotel rooms are booked!

trix1223

Glad to hear you didn't plan it yourself.  Your OP really sounded like you did.  Also glad to hear that you have your rooms.  We were able to get a room for Thursday night, at the hotel we generally stay at, but will stay with DD on Friday before we head home on Saturday.

We're hoping to go to the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert rally on Saturday.  Well, my DD and I are anyway......DH isn't so sure. 

lalap69

An invitation to a pre-wedding party is just that - an invitation, which someone is free to decline, even if they're in the WP.  You're allowed to be disappointed that your friend won't be able to make it, but don't let it affect your friendship.

aerinpegadrak

Dude, I would probably skip a friend's wedding to attend the Jon Stewart rally, not going to lie.  A shower/bachelorette party/whatever?  No chance.  It's freaking historical, and has the potential to significantly alter the current political landscape.  Would you have been here in 1963 complaining that your friend wanted to skip your party to see some preacher give a speech at the Lincoln Memorial?

Seriously, keep things in perspective.  The party may be the most important thing to YOU right now, but it doesn't really compare to something that has global implications.  It would probably be very helpful to your overall mental well-being to keep that in mind.

KatyRoseM

Apparently I'm the only one, but I don't think this is about the party exactly, her friend is not taking time to see her when she comes into town.  Also her BM is not going to a different town for this party, OP is.  If I came into town for 2 days and my friends could not take the time to see me for more than a drink I would be hurt.  And really, an historical event?  Possibly, but its also quite possible that this will be a TV stunt.  We won't know until later.  I get that it would be fun to go to the rally, but would I miss a friends wedding no way, a party maybe, but probably not. 

OP I totally understand how you feel, but don't let it get to you too much, talk to your friend about your feelings you can probably work through it and feel better. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:af7c3c2d-2561-40bd-b087-a1a4d2edd249Post:d6a0d3c5-ceb8-48f4-9066-11f4343bb881">Re: Am I being unreasonable?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Apparently I'm the only one, but I don't think this is about the party exactly, her friend is not taking time to see her when she comes into town.  Also her BM is not going to a different town for this party, OP is.  If I came into town for 2 days and my friends could not take the time to see me for more than a drink I would be hurt.  And really, an historical event?  Possibly, but its also quite possible that this will be a TV stunt.  We won't know until later.  I get that it would be fun to go to the rally, but would I miss a friends wedding no way, a party maybe, but probably not.  OP I totally understand how you feel, but don't let it get to you too much, talk to your friend about your feelings you can probably work through it and feel better. 
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]
Yes, historical.  Our current political dialogue is one that has completely destroyed centrism.  Moderates still exist, but are often referred to as the "silent majority" and are widely dissatisfied with the system and too disgusted to participate, so they get pushed to the side.  Stewart's rally gives them a chance to have a voice, get noticed, and show that they still care.  It's called the Rally to Restore Sanity, and if successful, it might do just what it says, and convince the media that moderates need to have a place in the debate again.

Jon Stewart was deemed the "most trusted man in news" after Walter Cronkite died.  He may broadcast on a comedy channel, but that doesn't change the fact that the event has very serious implications.  Being dismissive of it means you don't really know that much about it.

KatyRoseM

I do know about it, and that he is the most trusted man in news.  That being said I don't believe that this will change anything, perhaps I'm cynical, perhaps I am right.  I can know a lot about the world and disagree with you on your assertion that it will be historical.  As I said, it may turn out to be, it may turn out not to be.  I hope the rally is everything you think it will be, however as an intelligent and informed person I happen to believe that it will not have the impact you believe it will. 

tldh

Jon Stewart is the heir to Tim Russert.  David Gregory is an absolute joke as the moderator of Meet The Press and until they hired Christianne Amanpour, ABC's This Week was just as far in the gutter (and I've had a crush on George Stephanopoulos since 1992).

Three times in last week's This Week broadcast, Jon's interview with King Abdullah of Jordan was quoted, starting with the first question out of Christianne's mouth.  For me, the perfect commentary on the state of network and cable news can be found in Steven Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondents dinner years ago.

Also, Jon is equal opportunity in calling out the craziness of how this government operates and how news organizations report it.  Hence the motto for the rally: Take It Down A Notch, For America!!!

tracyt14

Thanks KatyRoseM!  I think you are reading me right!  Check your messages... 

I am over the rally vs BM thing.  I think I just needed to vent this morning-- I'm going to call the BM tomorrow and clear the air-- perhaps it's something else too.  Who knows?  Like KatyRose said, I'm more bummed I won't see her the whole weekend.

Aerinpegadrak-- have fun at the rally!  If you see my BM tell her I say hi! 

byoung0520

My BM's are all in different states, one in DC, one in NYC, 2 in CT, 2 in PA...and my bachelorette party was the same weekend as my shower.  Especially since my shower was in Pittsburgh(where both my family and FI's family resides), the girls had figured it would be the perfect opportunity to have the bachelorette party.  It would save costs on making another individual trip for it and since everyone was together, why not.  One of my BM's, actually she's my matron of honor(one of the PA residing maids), couldn't make it to my shower for other reasons which meant she couldn't join in on any festivities for that weekend.  So, I was kind of butt hurt about it at first because I had been having some difficulty in her contribution towards my big day...but then I just brushed it off my shoulder and said whatever.  I wanted to have a great time and was grateful that all my out of state BM's made the long haul to spend the weekend with me.  And it ended up being a blast!  Sooo, I definitely wouldn't fret about it.  I know when people asked where my other BM was, I just said she couldn't make it and left it as that.  To tell you the truth, I dind't think once about her not being there and almost forgot she was a part of my bridal party because I was having such a great time. 

Good Luck!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:af7c3c2d-2561-40bd-b087-a1a4d2edd249Post:d65b489d-6270-4904-afad-95cb30641037">Re: Am I being unreasonable?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks KatyRoseM!  I think you are reading me right!  Check your messages...  I am over the rally vs BM thing.  I think I just needed to vent this morning-- I'm going to call the BM tomorrow and clear the air-- perhaps it's something else too.  Who knows? <strong> Like KatyRose said, I'm more bummed I won't see her the whole weekend.</strong> Aerinpegadrak-- have fun at the rally!  If you see my BM tell her I say hi!  ;)
Posted by tracyt14[/QUOTE]
I'm not going because I can't afford it, but I would go in a heartbeat if given the opportunity.  I certainly wouldn't begrudge any of my friends the chance to attend a once-in-a-lifetime event just because it meant missing my party.

And the bolded part is in direct contradiction to your OP, where you said she'd be meeting you for drinks after.  So you WILL see her that weekend.

pizzanfries4me

I don't think you are being unreasonable - then again, just remember how some people are. I'm sure you will have a blast without them.
At my bach party I had a friend there who was the biggest pain in my *ss, when she got "bored" and left I was bummed for a second - then I realized how glad I really was to have her gone!

eshaufle

Did you tell her your reasons for having it in DC and did she agree this was a good idea?  The reason I ask is that while even though it seemed that you were well-intentioned in the reasons for having the parties there, but if she never actually said she was even going to be available that weekend then you don't have a reason to be mad at her.  It's not like you she said for you guys to please come to DC so she could participate and then bailed on you.  At least it doesn't sound like that.

I agree with pp that even though she's a BM, an invitation to any party is just an invitation, which she may accept or decline.  It would be great to have your BM at these parties but she's not under any obligation to if she has another commitment.  If you planned this in DC without her consent or acknowledgment then you're having a false expectation of her commitment just because she lives there.

Maybe this isn't even wedding related.  Forget tingthe wedding stuff, I understand if you're disappointed that you're going to be in the same town as one of your friends and she's too busy to see you.  You shouldn't be mad with her though.  It's not like she invited you to stay with her for the weekend as a guest and then ditched you.  You are there on your own circumstances and it just happens to be a bad weekend for her.  If she can make it for a drink and to see you then I say that's being a good friend to the extent she can with her prior commitments.