Moms and Maids

Just needed to let that out

I just needing to come vent.

I have trouble making friends and so the very few that I have are important to me. When I asked my best friend to be my bridesmaid and she accepted I was overjoyed. When she asked to step down, of course I was upset, but I told her I was completely fine and of course I understand that she'll be busy. Even though her excuses for being "busy" were paper thin and really it was just she didn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore. I let it go, because she's my best friend I'm not going to lose her over something so trivial.

After I said that I hadn't expected her to completely shut down on everything wedding. I'm not the type to go on and on about my wedding, but every once in a while I would like an opinion on something like prospective dresses etc. Anytime I mention anything she just huts down and turns the conversation into about why she doesn't believe in weddings.

I realize that that's just how she is and I still love her, but it just hurts me that I can't talk to my best friend about any of my wedding. And it's not that she's jealous, because she's SOOO not that type. She really just doesn't believe in weddings, but I feel like that shouldn't mean she should ignore me when I'm just asking how she thinks a dress would look.

I listen to her go on about Physics and the "hot guys" at the gym, when I don't particularly care. Is it so much to ask for to want her to just pretend to listen and nod?

Re: Just needed to let that out

  • edited December 2011
    Is it possible that she won't listen to wedding talk because she has some sort of hurt related to whatever is keeping her from participating?  Is she feeling pangs of jealousy?  Is she dealing with a philosophical disagreement about the idea of marriage and can't listen to you talk about something she disagrees with so passionately?  Just some ideas, not trying to put words in your mouth.

    I can understand your feeling hurt and alone, and TK can be a great place to find people who wouldn't mind at ALL hearing about your wedding plans and offering feedback.  

    I went through a time where I felt like I just didn't have that many friends... and then I also realized that I could change my situation.  As a teacher, I had always told my students that if they had the power to change the situation, then they should get off their butts and change it.  If they didn't have the power to change the situation, complaining does no use except to make everyone else aware of how bitter they are.  Well, I had to take my own advice!!  I had been friends with some folks that were honestly at a different place in life than me, and the reason I felt so disconnected was because somehow I had convinced myself that THOSE people were the ones who SHOULD be my friends and it led to a bit of hurt.  

    Well, I stepped back out into the world, found some new people to start spending time with, and I've found some new niches I couldn't have found otherwise.  The 'friends' I thought I had 5 or 6 years ago aren't being invited to the wedding.  The ones who have become part of my 'new' life and will continue to be part of my life and with my fiancé, those are the ones getting invited to the wedding.  Sometimes life changes, and you just have to find a new way to plug in and stay alive!

    Hope that helps!! 
    July 16, Our Wedding Day, is also International Juggling Day!
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  • edited December 2011
    No worries, sometimes putting things in wiritng makes you feel a lot better (even if no one reads them but you!) 

    This happened with my wedding as well. I asked my best friend of ten years and she said yes, then changed her mind. Her reasons were that she didn't agree with the fact that I am changing my last name. She also would rant on and on about how wearing an engagment ring is telling everyone that I'm his "possession". 

    She does have very strong opinions on marriage. Obviously I was crushed, because when she said no, she did it through text message, then didn't talk to me for two weeks.

    My older sister is my MOH now, and I'm happy with that choice. The fact of the matter is that my BF is in grad school and lives out of state. She would have had a hard time doing the things she is "supposed" to take care of, and since she has no interest in weddings I would probably have been probably been chasing after her and hounding her to do things. 

    Things work out the way they do, and it's usually for the best. Good luck with the rest of your planning! :)
  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I think you should talk to her about how your feeling.  If your really friends you should be able to.  Even if she doesn't agree with marriage she should be able to talk to you and deal with it. 

    I have friends who are opposed to marriage, but they got over it and are able to be friends anyway.  They tell me not to change my name, I tell them why I want to, we talk about it, and they respect my decision.  That is what friends do. 

    So talk to your friend, not about dropping out of the wedding, but about your hurt feelings.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    She is jealous. Don't be so gullible.
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-needed-let-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b092db24-fbfb-41df-bad5-5e0bb8bdd1a3Post:7feb8408-b682-492e-ba21-3d6f0e31269a">Re: Just needed to let that out</a>:
    [QUOTE]She is jealous. Don't be so gullible.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]
    You irritate me with your consistently terrible, one liner "advice."
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-needed-let-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b092db24-fbfb-41df-bad5-5e0bb8bdd1a3Post:7feb8408-b682-492e-ba21-3d6f0e31269a">Re: Just needed to let that out</a>:
    [QUOTE]She is jealous. Don't be so gullible.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

    You got that succinct diagnosis from the OP?  Seriously?  What are you, God's gift to psychotherapists that you can come to a conclusion after hearing the perspective of someone not the person you are passing judgment on?  Why do you even post?  Your advice is horrible.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • 7118_na7118_na member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_just-needed-let-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b092db24-fbfb-41df-bad5-5e0bb8bdd1a3Post:7feb8408-b682-492e-ba21-3d6f0e31269a">Re: Just needed to let that out</a>:
    [QUOTE]She is jealous. Don't be so gullible.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

    That... well. Hm. No that would NOT be what's going on. But thanks for you know, reading what I said... Because you clearly didn't.

    In response to everyone else. I do love my best friend and I of course understand her nonbelief in marriage. That is what she feels is right for her so I want her to rock that and be happy. I guess that is more of what was bothering me. I know she doesn't want marriage so I'm not sitting here pushing a guy on her or asking her when she'll eb getting married. I actually don't even really talk abotu anything wedding related. The only time I asked for advice was on bridesmaids dresses because my bridesmaids were all busy and I happened to be talking to her at the time and just wants a girls opinion besides my own on whether a dress was cute. Really I don't think my fiance has an opinion on that, lol.

    We are doing better now, but that's mroe because I've realized that this is just how she is with everything in life (not just wedding stuff). She kind of sucks at listening to me about, well everything without it turning into her, but I still love her. I've just recruited my other not so best friend, but still close friend,  to listen to my wedding stuff. And I told her it wasn't that I wanted opinions or anything of the such, I just want to be able to share my wedding stuff with someone (I have very few people I can do this with besides my fiance and I think that was what I was craving).

    SO all in all this rantesque thing really did help me to just get my feelings out. Thanks for listening. Lol
  • edited December 2011
    LOL, ok, I'm sorry I just have to say I wish there was a "like" button on these things!

    anyway, I'm sorry that your friend won't listen.  I do understand what it is like to have someone who only wants to talk about themselves.  If it bothers you, which I really honestly can't tell either way, you could talk to her about it.  I am probably one of the worst people in starting those types of conversations, but you could say something like "I really wish I had someone to talk to about ___" and see what she says. 
    Anniversary
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    OP, joiner is either a troll or just exceptionally stupid.  Don't pay attention to her.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • fe208fe208 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yea i say shes jealous, whether she believes in weddings or not if shes your best friend she can be supportive and offer an opinion. What difference does it make if you ask her opinion on a wedding dress or if it's just some summer dress you seen? 
  • edited December 2011
    This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in.  I find it hard to believe that a "best friend" would be so cold but you, of course, know better than I the reasoning behind your friend's reluctance to be a part of the wedding.  That being said, if you're accepting of the fact that she's doesn't want to be a part of the wedding, don't share anything with her about it.  I would encourage you to talk to her about how this makes you feel, though.  If she's not going to be there for you on one of the most important days of your life, how can you trust that she'll be there all the other days?  I hope you can work things out with your friend but remember - this is supposed to be a very happy time in your life.  Focus on that and let the negative things go.  Whenever I get stressed, I cuddle with my fiance to remind myself what I'm really doing all this for.  It works every time :) 
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  • edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, I think she is jealous too- and I think she feels guilty about asking to step down.  Maybe she had a momentary fit of "I'm sick of it being all about her" and she decided to step down.  I would hint to her that you are so sad that she can't be in your wedding, and maybe she will change her mind.  One of my best friends is doing the "I hate you, I'm so jealous" with a big smile on her face to make it seem like she is joking!  And she is in my wedding lol.  She also told me that "forever only means anything when you are standing at the alter".  I forgive her cause she is my friend, and sometimes it is hard when someone you care about is essentially moving on.  It is true that it is hard to keep your single friends when you are married.  Maybe she is afraid that you won't want to hang out anymore.  She even might be feeling like you are sort of cheating on her.  Whatever the case, talk it out.  Let her be defensive, but let her know how important she is and will be to you.  Hope this helps!

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  • edited December 2011
    I think you should be honest with her, speak to her and tell her how you feel. If you say she is your best friend, she should understand that you're not trying to be mean and that you feel hurt. You're both adults and should be able to speak about it like adults so don't be afraid to address her about it. It's not fair that you are not only dealing with wedding planning but now this situation with your friend. Get it off your chest and don't let it add stress to what is going to be the best night of your life ;)
    I hope it all turns out well. 
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  • edited December 2011
    this should be the happiest time for you and im sorry your bestie is not there. im kinda in the same boat, my best friend is not there we were gonna go get her dress today and she cant go, her mom just got married a little less then a month ago and now her best friend is getting married.  Her and her boyfriend have been together the longest and have two kids together but he doesnt want a wedding so i kinda feel that she is trying to make my wedding hers i want her to wear a dress she wants a different dress "cause thats what she would have in her wedding" or her ideas about things i feel that she is pushing me into getting what she wants i have not but thats how i feel. im really thinking about asking her if she can step out and i will replace her, my girls needed to get there dresses by the 11th and she has yet to get hers
  • mareahelenamareahelena member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow, that must be really difficult!  Planning a wedding can be a stressful enough at times, and to not have your best friend there to be a kind ear to go to when you are overwhelmed must be really hard.  I feel for you!

    My best advice is to just go forth and try your best to enjoy this time.  Turn to your fiance when you are in need of a shoulder and your other friends/bridesmaids, as well.  Try not to let one person (even though she is your best friend) make this be anything but a joyful time for you.

    Things will get better.  They really will.
    Mareah
  • edited December 2011
    I am sorry that is happening. Even if your BFF isn't particularily interested in weddings, she should be there for you and want to share in your excitement. I don't mean she should be a bridesmaid. I mean that she should care somewhat in your happiness. That is what best friends are for!

    Like the PP said, you need to talk to her about your feelings. Tell her you understand she's not into the whole "organized relationship" thing but that by her acting this way, you feel as if she isn't excited for you at all.
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  • edited December 2011
    Is there any chance that she really dislikes your FI but doesn't want to say anything to you?

    I have a couple friends who are engaged or recently married and I absolutely love talking "wedding" with most of them.  But one of my friends is engaged to a guy who just treats her like absolute crap (he has cheated on her, he regularly goes through phases where he gets mad at her and will refuse to call her or answer her calls for days at a time, he is refusing to allow guests at the ceremony because he is "shy"...but isn't shy enough to not have the big reception, and a host of other things) and when she wants to talk about the wedding I usually just get pretty quiet because I just feel awkward because I think she's making a huge mistake.
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