Bridal party; PLEASE HELP

MTSF1226

I have 3 bridesmaids, one being my MOH. She hasn't been as proactive as she should and I just can demote her. Can I have a maid of honor and matron of honor?

PLEASE HELP!!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridal-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1b8c083-9fad-4545-8cd8-be9b84e2f5daPost:ddc7568b-b277-45a0-a4fc-f607095a572e">Bridal party; PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 3 bridesmaids, one being my MOH. <strong>She hasn't been as proactive as she should and I just can demote her.</strong> Can I have a maid of honor and matron of honor? PLEASE HELP!!
Posted by MTSF1226[/QUOTE]

Are you paying her?

jagore08

You have to be kidding, "I can just demote her."  Your BP aren't your slaves and you should be looking at what they can do for you.  Plan your own wedding.  Pick you own linens.  Call your own vendors.  The only thing you don't do is plan any pre-wedding parties (except the rehearsal dinner if your parents or in-laws didn't offer to do it for you) and you shouldn't expect anyone to plan the pre-wedding parties because they are gifts, not required.

aerinpegadrak

She doesn't need to be proactive about anything.  It's your wedding, not hers.  And having two MsOH and one BM is a real slap in the face to the BM.

deepcovejackie

No.  Just no.  To all of it.

sister2groom

There's nothing wrong with a maid of honor and a matron of honor, but doing so so you can have free laor is not acceptable.

Sweded

I'm in a wedding with a maid and matron of honor...but there are, like, seven BMs besides them.  I agree with PP that it's a slap in the face to the one who isn't an "Honor Attendant"...among many other things wrong with that post.  I have asked for help for a few things from my BMs and asked them to come to dress fittings.  If they can, great!  If they can't, no biggie.  It's your wedding.  Whatever she isn't being "pro active" enough about...do it yourself. 

vsgal

That depends. 
Did you interview   and hire her?  Did you give her a 30 evaluation in writing?  Did you give her an action plan to improve?  Did you do a 60 day followup?  Did you give her a final written warning?  If you did not answer yes  to any of these questions, then you cannot demote her.

All she has to do is get the dress, show up sober and smile for pictures.  Anything else is extra if she wants to.  Nothing else is mandatory.  This includes favor-making, invitation packing, party planning, dress picking, program folding and lunch meetings to discuss every wedding detail.  It is you and FI wedding.  You plan it and execute it.

McKenna2012

Sweet Jesus in the manger. I am floored at how many people there are out there who think this is ok. 

StephieBow

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridal-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1b8c083-9fad-4545-8cd8-be9b84e2f5daPost:ddc7568b-b277-45a0-a4fc-f607095a572e">Bridal party; PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 3 bridesmaids, one being my MOH. <strong>She hasn't been as proactive as she should and I just can demote her</strong>. Can I have a maid of honor and matron of honor? PLEASE HELP!!
Posted by MTSF1226[/QUOTE]

No, you cannot demote her. It too bad if she isn't doing what you expected/thought she would do but, your stuck.  In my opionion the second you have to Honour attendants you've started to really make the BMs feel less special.  Don't do it.  There is nothing stopping a BM from helping out if she wants to!

deb84

Yes you can demote her BUT you will hurt her feelings and likely end the friendship.  Also, I agree with PP how do you think that BM is going to feel...you promoted another bridesmaid but not her.  Probably another friendship ending move.  If you don't want to have any of these girls as friends after the wedding go with your plan.  If not then you should really start expecting less and treating them like the friends they are. 

SmithMcFarlane

I'm confused, she hasn't been as proactive?!  What do you want her to do?!  What isn't she doing that she is "suppose" to?!  I wouldn't demote her, being your MOH isn't a job or a chore, its suppose to be fun!

lego04

I'm not quite understanding what you mean as "proactive"?    Unless you want to hurt her feelings or end the friendship, I wouldnt "demote" her as you say.  But, rather maybe try to tell her how you feel, if how you feel really has a legitimate reason...and I would be nice about it while telling her too.  You didnt exactly provide much information..I wish you luck.

heinz11msw

Holy crap.... I am glad I am not standing up in your wedding. I didn't know bridesmaids were slaves.

MTSF1226

Thanks for all the responses.
 
I have done a lot of research on this site (the knot) and found lists, ECT that explain duties of your bridal party. It's more that just getting the dress and showing up. Your bridal party is supposed to be your support team, your closest friends and family that want to be there for you and help you.

The MOH is question, hasn't planned anything or participated in wedding related activities. I just wanted her to be excited for me and help me when I need (at her convenience, of course). My other "proactive" bridesmaid planned my shower, my bachelorette party, and even gotten gifts for me for the shower. She keeps in constant contact with me and the other bridesmaids and lets me know of any updates. She responses to emails and voicemails, unlike the MOH. Communication is important.

I don't think I am asking to much by asking her to participate in activites that the other bridesmaids are willing and wanted to partcitpating in. I don't want her to feel left out, but I can't force her to come. She isn't interested in making a toast either.

Looks like I have my work cut out for me. I appreciate your comments and I hope that you have a great wedding and that your marriages are filled with love and happiness! Thanks again for your help.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridal-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1b8c083-9fad-4545-8cd8-be9b84e2f5daPost:a04ae590-30b0-4f14-b841-a629f7e6f429">Re: Bridal party question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the responses.  <strong> I have done a lot of research on this site (the knot) and found lists, ECT that explain duties of your bridal party. </strong>It's more that just getting the dress and showing up. Your bridal party is supposed to be your support team, your closest friends and family that want to be there for you and help you. The MOH is question, hasn't planned anything or participated in wedding related activities. I just wanted her to be excited for me and help me when I need (at her convenience, of course). My other "proactive" bridesmaid planned my shower, my bachelorette party, and even gotten gifts for me for the shower. She keeps in constant contact with me and the other bridesmaids and lets me know of any updates. She responses to emails and voicemails, unlike the MOH. Communication is important. I don't think I am asking to much by asking her to participate in activites that the other bridesmaids are willing and wanted to partcitpating in. I don't want her to feel left out, but I can't force her to come. She isn't interested in making a toast either. Looks like I have my work cut out for me. I appreciate your comments and I hope that you have a great wedding and that your marriages are filled with love and happiness! Thanks again for your help.
Posted by MTSF1226[/QUOTE]
TK will tell you it's about more because they want more of your money.  Never take etiquette advice from someone trying to sell you things.  Really, all she's required to do is get the dress and show up.  Sure, it's customary to do more, but not being willing or able to do that doesn't make her a bad friend or a bad MOH.  She should do that stuff because she genuinely wants to, not because she feels obligated.

stephcreath

Oh sweetie.  Never demote any one.  That's not how friends treat each other; and if she's your Maid of Honor, she must mean a lot to you.
If you need help, ask.  Don't assume she knows how to plan a wedding or that she has the time to help as much as you'd like. 
When you ask, make sure you're not hinting that you think she's not proactive.  Simply invite her over to look at your cake options, etc.  I'm sure she'd love to.

SmithMcFarlane

I would just talk to her about it, ask her if she wants to do any of the things that you are going to do.  When I planned DIY stuff for my wedding my girls said they wanted to help out, so I sent out emails saying if you want to be at my house at X time.  Personally I know what it is like to want to say "I WANT you to do this", but I have to remember that they are my friends, and I have to say" if you want to do this, instead." 

I do want to just throw this out there, I learned this from a bridezilla that I was MOH for.  She EXPECTED me to do everything for/with her, right down to shopping for her wedding night lingerie and SHE had to have a hand in planning her shower and bachelorette party.  She didn't seem to care or maybe it was notice that while I was playing MOH for her, trying to juggle her unrealistic expectations, I was also working full time, going to school full, and taking care of my sick mother (not matter how much I told her).  Eventually it caused out 15 year friendship to end.  So again, just talk to her, see what is going on before this gets out of hand.      Good Luck!!!!

sweetvidalia

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridal-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b1b8c083-9fad-4545-8cd8-be9b84e2f5daPost:ddc7568b-b277-45a0-a4fc-f607095a572e">Bridal party; PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I have 3 bridesmaids, one being my MOH. She hasn't been as proactive as she should and I just can demote her. Can I have a maid of honor and matron of honor? PLEASE HELP!!
Posted by MTSF1226[/QUOTE]


I somewhat agree with PPs. The reality is, you <strong>can</strong> do <em>whatever</em> you want to do. It's yours and his wedding. Every decision is really up to the 2 of you.

The other reality is, demoting or asking her to step down is just not something that would go over pleasantly. I've always felt like members of the WP should remain members of the WP unless they come to you and asked to step down or do something completely heinous. I won't use examples because I think you can be the judge of what is crossing the line and what isn't.

 I don't consider her underactive status as being grounds for dismissal.

But, as I said, the decision is completely up to you. There's no law against it.

Good luck and congrats.

heinz11msw

McKenna2012 Joined on 02-16-2011 SAN ANTONIO 6925334518427584 Total posts: 743

Sweet Jesus in the manger. I am floored at how many people there are out there who think this is ok.

BAHAHAHAHA!


What do you need support with? Sorry your fiance is such a pain in the ass, lol.

MTSF1226

Thanks again for all the responses. I hope everyone is doing well. The MOH situation has been resolved. Everyone is excited and ready for the wedding at the end of the month!

Happy marriages to you all!