Indecisive about a Wedding Party at ALL - sorry long

slave4dance

Hi Everyone,

While I am not getting married until June 2012 I can't help thinking about the WP. I have not asked anyone yet while it is assumed my 2 sisters and my FI's 2 brothers will be up there with us (which is completely fine as I couldn't imagine not having these 4 people up there with us). However the rest of my friends are the issue. Everytime I see them the WP comes up and it seems they already assume they are in it. I dont want to deal with having to pick, nor do I want to go through the agony of picking out their gown as they are all completely different sizes (I am fully aware there are colors to pick from where the WP can all select a different gown in that color). We used to all be close but now we are lucky to get together once every few months. I honestly feel that when I got engaged none of them were sincerely happy for me, but rather jealous that I was with my bf 1 1/2 years and they were with theirs at least 3+. I didnt talk to any of them about it because it will just add fuel to the fire as some are still angry they dont have a ring at all (which isnt even what marriage is about anyway but that is what society has come to). At this point I don't want anyone but our family in it and I doubt I'm going to change my mind. How would you handle it when people keep asking you? I just responded its too early to tell and we'll have to wait and see but I dont want to get anyone's hopes up either. To me a WP is more than a gown and makeup. It's standing up in your family/friend's honor.

garcias1

Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is what you've been doing, which is to say that it's too early to figure out these details.  Most ladies on here will suggest that you ask your WP no more than 1 year out.  There are tons of stories on here about girls who regret asking someone to be in their WP because their relationship changes over time.   Just stick with what you've been saying.  When the time comes, ask the people that you REALLY want to stand beside you on your wedding day.  Don't feel the need to justify your feelings to those who are not in your WP.  GL!

slave4dance

thank you so much garcias1! i agree - I've read numerous posts about people asking so early and then having issues. I've also read another thing where "no one will ever be as excited about their wedding as the bride" and this couldn't be more true. I would never expect to be in any one's wedding party. I feel that is terrible etiquette.

trix1223

ditto garcias.  There have been countless posts on this board and on  the wedding party board from people who were in exactly the situation you are.  They asked this far out from their wedding and now want to know how to kick out something they've already asked.

If your friends ask about a WP,  then simply smile and say, "Oh, we're just enjoying being engaged for now.  We're not even going to think about our WP until about 8 months before the wedding at the earliest. " 

Then switch the topic:  "So what did you think about the last Glee episode?"  or"Have you tried the new Lean Cuisine meals?" or whatever....

They'll get the message if you keep on repeating it, over and over and over and over and over until you're even tired of hearing it.

I do want to add though, that if they're asking about your wedding plans and assuming that they're in the WP, then it doesn't sound like  they're all that "jealous".  Different people show excitement in different ways.  Just because they didn't fall over screaming "squee!!!!!!" doesn't mean they were "jealous".

GL to you.  It sounds like you're making the right decision.  There have been about eleventy billion posts from people who regret asking early.  I don't remember a single one about people who regret waiting to ask. 

mikeynkrib2011

ah yes, the friends who assume they are BM's are hard to address.

i think you're doing the right thing by waiting it out right now.  if you still feel this way when it comes time to pick your WP, you've got your answer...

family as BM and GM and that's it.

plus, it's a really EZ out to tell the girls who weren't asked "my FI an I decided our WP would be just family".  most people agree blood is thicker than water.

pretzelgrrl

I know what you are going through...when i called one of my friends and told her I got engaged she said "Congratulations! Am I a bridesmaid?"...thankfully I had planned on asking her but I didn't even get to.

I agree with some PP's that you are doing the right thing in your response and my opinion is yes go with just family....but if you get closer to it and decide to ask a friend-don't let others make you feel bad.  If they are a friend, they will understand and still want to be a part of your day even if they are not part of the wedding party.

bablingbrooke

Stay the course.  Just tell them you aren't planning yet and are just enjoying being engaged.  Then change the subject that gets them talking about themselves.  In a few weeks, when your engagement isn't so new, they'll stop asking about it and move on to other things.

Word of warning: If you're on the fence about asking them, do yourself a favor and don't share any wedding planning details with them, and change the subject if they ask you.  ("Oh, we're thinking lavender for the colors.  So how's work?")  Bringing up the wedding may lead them on, and you don't want to find yourself in that position.

Ditto pps--them not falling over with excitement doesn't necessarily mean they're jealous.  I would actually presume people aren't jealous; few actually will be and even fewer would act out on it.  The wedding's far away, you may be the 15th friend of theirs who got engaged this year, they may be busy with their own lives, etc.  There are lots of reasons why they may not be ZOMGWEDDINGZ with you, and most of them point away from jealousy.   Just my humble opinion.

You sound like you've got your head on straight, so I'm sure you'll handle yourself well and it will work out.  Best of luck.

Kristin789

>>How would you handle it when people keep asking you?

We didn't have any attendants, and this is what I said:

"My mom is hosting the wedding and it's a very small, basically family wedding.  We aren't having attendants."

Here's what you could say:

"My parents are hosting the wedding, so we're doing the traditional family wedding party with having just my two sisters on my side and his two brothers on his side."

bablingbrooke

OP, on the other thread, why did you say people were rude to you on this thread?  People were incredibly nice to you on here!

trix1223

brooke, I may be wrong but I think OP saying people were rude to her  is referring to a post on the prewedding parties board about throwing your own e-party.  OP of this post said she was going to throw her own and was advised that it's poor form.  She took the advice, shall we say, badly.

deb84

Do what you have been doing.  Maybe just maybe in the time between now and then you will become close to some of these friends again or even meet new friends.  Just explain it is way too soon to be thinking about that and change the subject. GOOD LUCK!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_indecisive-wedding-party-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b2e2a370-cc73-4f83-b79c-1c9945bf99a9Post:66dbb734-2a4e-4a9e-bfc0-4e447a831b64">Re: Indecisive about a Wedding Party at ALL - sorry long</a>:
[QUOTE]brooke, I may be wrong but I think OP saying people were rude to her  is referring to a post on the prewedding parties board about throwing your own e-party.  OP of this post said she was going to throw her own and was advised that it's poor form.  She took the advice, shall we say, badly.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
Ah, gotcha.

ASDH11

Just tell them you want family up there as family is important to you and your FH.  If they kick up a stink remind them when it's their wedding they can do whatever they want.  But also let them know you'd love to have them attend!