all the drama is from my mama... :(

jro8664

Hello! I am newly engaged (Christmas eve of 2010) and I'm having major mama drama. My fiance and I had a feeling that there would be some issues when we got engaged, but I didn't think there would be THIS MANY PROBLEMS! My mom's reaction to me telling her about our engagement was "oh.. that's nice"... and she avoided me for most of our holiday get together on Chrismtas eve... and did not answer my phone calls on Christmas day. They day after Christmas I called her to see if she was feeling 'ok' due to hearing that she had a stomach bug... I did not expect to get screamed at! My mother had found out from my sister that my fiance had asked for my father's blessing (my parents are divoced) and was pissed off that my fiance did not ask her since she "raised me." My fiance and I have had a rough year due to him needing two very serious surgeries (and being in and out of the hospital for 6 months) and she did not even send a get-well card! My fiance would have asked her for her blessing too, but he did not feel like it was necessary and would probably not have gone over well anyways. It's hard because EVERYONE in my family loves my fiance, except her. Even so.. I wish she could just pretend to be happy for me We haven't talked in two weeks, with the exception of a few text messages because she won't answer my calls...

What should I do?

jro8664

approval is not what I'm concerned about. I love my fiance and that is all that matters in my eyes. I just want her to stop making everything about HER and actually talk to me...  mothers should not act like that.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_drama-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5078beb-b069-47ee-b9ec-8ec81ec4b1b7Post:ebbb3d40-93b7-4103-a959-eec57c21e0af">all the drama is from my mama... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! I am newly engaged (Christmas eve of 2010) and I'm having major mama drama. My fiance and I had a feeling that there would be some issues when we got engaged, but I didn't think there would be THIS MANY PROBLEMS! My mom's reaction to me telling her about our engagement was "oh.. that's nice"... and she avoided me for most of our holiday get together on Chrismtas eve... and did not answer my phone calls on Christmas day. They day after Christmas I called her to see if she was feeling 'ok' due to hearing that she had a stomach bug... I did not expect to get screamed at! My mother had found out from my sister that my fiance had asked for my father's blessing (my parents are divoced) and was pissed off that my fiance did not ask her since she "raised me." My fiance and I have had a rough year due to him needing two very serious surgeries (and being in and out of the hospital for 6 months) and she did not even send a get-well card! My fiance would have asked her for her blessing too, but he did not feel like it was necessary and would probably not have gone over well anyways. It's hard because EVERYONE in my family loves my fiance, except her. Even so.. I wish she could just pretend to be happy for me :( We haven't talked in two weeks, with the exception of a few text messages because she won't answer my calls... What should I do?
Posted by jro8664[/QUOTE]


You are not alone. My Mom is a very negative person. While she took our engagement okay, she didn't really like my H when we were dating.

The best advice I have for you is to go ahead and plan your wedding. Don't discuss details or ask her any wedding related questions. There is plenty of info here on TK if you have questions and elsewhere online. Honestly, it sounds like she is one of those people who has a hard time being happy for anyone. And it reminds me a lot of my own Mom.

My Mom was not involved in any way, shape or form with the planning of our wedding. And it was so much less stressful that way. I know it may be hard not having a Mom around to do wedding things with, but I am sure you have girlfriends and you could always take your FI along if you want. Do you have a good relationship with FMIL? As she may be able to help you and go with you for certain things. Good luck.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_drama-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5078beb-b069-47ee-b9ec-8ec81ec4b1b7Post:df20040e-98e0-42a1-bd08-d56a66398656">Re: all the drama is from my mama... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]approval is not what I'm concerned about. I love my fiance and that is all that matters in my eyes. I just want her to stop making everything about HER and actually talk to me...  mothers should not act like that.
Posted by jro8664[/QUOTE]

You are correct that Mom's shouldn't ask like that, but some do and that is just life. Like I said in my pp, my Mom is very similar.

You may even have to cut off contact with her for a bit. I did that, and it worked. And after you guys get married, hopefully things will get better and she will start to get it together and come around more.

And she could feel like your FI is taking you away from her. A lot of Moms probably go through this. I know there are quite a few on these boards, so maybe they will give you some more advice speaking from their experiences.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_drama-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5078beb-b069-47ee-b9ec-8ec81ec4b1b7Post:ebbb3d40-93b7-4103-a959-eec57c21e0af">all the drama is from my mama... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! I am newly engaged (Christmas eve of 2010) and I'm having major mama drama. My fiance and I had a feeling that there would be some issues when we got engaged, but I didn't think there would be THIS MANY PROBLEMS! My mom's reaction to me telling her about our engagement was "oh.. that's nice"... and she avoided me for most of our holiday get together on Chrismtas eve... and did not answer my phone calls on Christmas day. They day after Christmas I called her to see if she was feeling 'ok' due to hearing that she had a stomach bug... I did not expect to get screamed at! My mother had found out from my sister that my fiance had asked for my father's blessing (my parents are divoced) and was pissed off that my fiance did not ask her since she "raised me." My fiance and I have had a rough year due to him needing two very serious surgeries (and being in and out of the hospital for 6 months) and she did not even send a get-well card! My fiance would have asked her for her blessing too, but he did not feel like it was necessary and would probably not have gone over well anyways. It's hard because EVERYONE in my family loves my fiance, except her. <strong>Even so.. I wish she could just pretend to be happy for me :(</strong> We haven't talked in two weeks, with the exception of a few text messages because she won't answer my calls... What should I do?
Posted by jro8664[/QUOTE]
I don't think I know anyone who asked for either parent's permission or blessing to propose, honestly, so I personally find that part a bit silly.

I think you're going to be much happier if you let go of the bolded thing.  People don't change just because you're getting married., and if you're continually treating your mother as though you expect her to act differently than you KNOW she will, you're just creating this drama for yourself.  It's time to be realistic.

jro8664

MissySue20, thank you for sharing about your mom. I think that steering clear of her for now is probably the best decision and I'm sure she'll talk to me when she's ready.. thanks for your help!   

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_drama-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5078beb-b069-47ee-b9ec-8ec81ec4b1b7Post:f096d48e-8c33-4cb0-8a71-75445e24e955">Re: all the drama is from my mama... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to all the drama is from my mama... :( :<strong> I don't think I know anyone who asked for either parent's permission or blessing to propose, honestly</strong>, so I personally find that part a bit silly. I think you're going to be much happier if you let go of the bolded thing.  People don't change just because you're getting married., and if you're continually treating your mother as though you expect her to act differently than you KNOW she will, you're just creating this drama for yourself.  It's time to be realistic.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

::raises hand::

aerin:  our son asked his FMIL for her blessing to propose to her DD.  (DIL's dad had died when she was a child).  Our son took his FMIL out to dinner and asked her then.  

And our SIL asked DH for his blessing to propose to our DD.  (I would have been included, but it's a long and funny story about why I wasn't, and I'm fine with the fact that I wasn't there).

And my DH talked to my dad before he proposed to me.

To OP:  your mom won't change because it's your wedding.  I'm sorry the reaction was so disappointing to you, I really am.  But I think you'll do better if you realize that your mom is who she is.  You can't control her actions~but you can control how you respond to her actions.

This is a wonderful time in your life.  Don't let your mom's lack of enthusiasm dampen your own.  GL.

jro8664

thank you!

MairePoppy

::another hand up::

@ aerin  My fsil  asked my husband for his blessing also, as a show of respect.  My husband was very impressed and flattered.  I know it's an old fashioned custom, but it still happens.

@ jr You are helping your mom make this about her, by calling her and acting apologetic. You should drop it. Don't let mom control you with her temper tantrums. Once she realizes her bad behaviour isn't getting the kind of reaction that she wants, she will try another strategy, like maybe being nice. Good luck.

vicki0508

FI asked my dad for permission.  I asked my parents if that was something they would like, the they thought it would be a nice gesture.  It's not like they would've opposed the wedding had he not asked, but the asking was appreciated.

MobKaz

It sounds as if you are between a rock and a hard place.

If you try to share information, thoughts, ideas, or events with your mom, it sounds as if she "shuts you down" and strips you of all enthusiasm and positivity.

If she hears about anything second hand, she is hurt and reacts negatively.

Damned if you do; damned if you don't.  It is probably best, then, to do what keeps you most sane, relaxed, and focused.

Although you don't say, I would guess that this has been her behavior about other things besides the engagement and wedding.  Perhaps in addition to limiting your communication with her, you could drop her a text every so often with a simple update.  "Mom.....made some floral decisions today.  Call if you care to hear the details".  In that way, you have made an attempt to keep her updated on plans, but....don't have to deal with any negative or hurtful repercussions if she doesn't respond......just a thought. 

trix1223

I love mobkaz suggestion.  It puts the ball right back firmly in mom's court.  You're not keeping things from her, but if she wants specific details, she has to ask. GL

AutumnFair

Ditto to mobkaz. People like this you have to put the ball in their court for responding.

jro8664

thank you all for your advice... I really appreciate it! I will definitely keep the ball in her court from now on and update her when necessary so that she doesn't hear things through the grapevine and turn everything against me.. Thanks so much for all of your suggestions!

MairePoppy

My fsil asked for my husbands blessing AFTER he asked my daughter to marry him and she said yes. He was not asking for permission to marry her. They are adults and capable of making their own decisions.

Mobkaz- great answer.

slave4dance

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_drama-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5078beb-b069-47ee-b9ec-8ec81ec4b1b7Post:f7d7fec0-dce8-4b29-9052-1169bae3072c">Re: all the drama is from my mama... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Bottom line:  are you adults, or not? Do you NEED your parents' approval?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Kudos to this! My FI did not ask my father or mother, not because they didn't like him but simply because he is shy. I understand you are hurt because I think most girls want their parents approval but in the end its your happiness that matters. I'd give her time to cool off and see how it goes. Good Luck!</div>

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_drama-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5078beb-b069-47ee-b9ec-8ec81ec4b1b7Post:06e3842a-b30a-4dd0-8a3e-de64911e8afa">Re: all the drama is from my mama... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be pissed if the guy talked to my parents....both because it's insulting to me, and because they'd know about the engagement first. I think that's disrespectful to ME as an adult.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I'd feel the same way.  Hopefully that's something most couples discuss before the FH decides to ask parents even if the engagement is a surprise. 

mespence47

OP, my mom is the exact same way!!!!!!! Oh I feel happy that I'm not the only one out there, but horrible that anyone else has to go through that.  I've decided to leave her out of the planning process.  She told me just hours ago that my fiance would leave me if I didn't stop being so wedding obsessed... I haven't booked anything, just looked, but apparently - that's obsessive.  

Anyways - good luck. I really hope your mom realizes she is missing out.  I'm not sure if mine will ever come around.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_drama-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5078beb-b069-47ee-b9ec-8ec81ec4b1b7Post:df20040e-98e0-42a1-bd08-d56a66398656">Re: all the drama is from my mama... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]approval is not what I'm concerned about. I love my fiance and that is all that matters in my eyes. I just want her to stop making everything about HER and actually talk to me...  mothers should not act like that.
Posted by jro8664[/QUOTE]

The hardest thing to learn is that being a mother does not make someone a good person.  Parents are people, and not all people are nice.  Accept how she feels and move on with the people who love you.

Doehling

My FI asked my Dad for permission before he proposed. My dad really liked that he was included that way and they had a real bonding moment over it.

My mom is this way too. She isn't happy about anything - even if it is done the way she wants. So far in the process, she has found something wrong with everything we have done/booked/decided on.

I decided (FI helped!) not to include her on the decisions. Its not worth it to be upset about her reactions all the time, but it is worth it for FI and I to be happy!

laurenes

Although I've been lucky to have loving and supportive parents on both sides (though they have their moments ) I have fortunately not had that happen to me. However, my mom's parents were like that to her and her children (my dad had to call and tell my grandfather that it would be nice if he sent flowers after my mom's brain surgery, a month after the fact), and it took them awhile to learn how to deal with it.

My advice is basically like mobkaz. Learn from my mom and her sibs - don't call and expect her to be super excited for your wedding, and be aware that she will probably make things about her. You probably don't want to initiate any contact with her in the next weeks as it is given her reaction to your engagement. Shoot her the occ text when you make a big decison, or maybe even an email with a link to whatever vendor you've picked so that she can't accuse you of leaving her out of the loop. Leave it up to her if she wants to call you and be supportive. It sounds like you're lucky enough to have an otherwise supportive family - focus on them, and don't let your mother such the joy out of your happiness. Good luck with the wedding!