family issue help!

J&&D2011

I figure this is the best place to post this. My future in laws are always neglecting to tell me when they find that some of thier guests have decided to bring more people. My parents and myself are the ones footing the bill. They do not tell me when they invite someone else and do not seem to care that they have almost made us pass the 200 person limit I set. how do I politely tell them that if they want to invite people, thats fine, but I need to know? and also that they cannot invite more people if they make us hit the 200 mark?

aerinpegadrak

Where is your FI in this? 

J&&D2011

He is in south carolina doing his AIT for the national guard. I have asked him to call his mother, and yet it never gets any better.

sprtychick10

Maybe you can call and explain it to her just like you explained it to us. Explain that there is a certain number you need to stick to and if she wants to include people she needs to communicate with her. Did you have her give you a list of who she wanted to invite in the very beginning? How is she expecting these people to get invitations?

aerinpegadrak

He needs to be the one dealing with his family, and he needs to nip this in the bud.  If he doesn't, then prepare for a lifetime of them trying to run your life while he's away.  A wedding ring does not change these things.

jemmini6

Technically, they aren't inviting anyone as invitations haven't been sent.  They are merely requesting they be added to the guest list.  Once you are ready to send out STD's and invites, I'd just politely discuss with them that as much as you'd love to invite everyone they requested, and give them their list and tell them they can choose X amount of people to invite from that.

bablingbrooke

My ILs wanted to invite so many people our guest list reached nearly 250, and I told DH that it just wasn't financially feasible to do that and we needed to stay at 200 (my parents invited 12 friends between them and my ILs were inviting something like 60).  He called his parents and what do you know, guest list was down to 200 after that conversation.  I agree your FI needs to be the one to call his parents and let them know.

MairePoppy

Your fi should tell his parents that you need a guest list of X number of people by a certain date. If they send a list with more people on it than your number, then he should cut the list for them and give them a revised copy so there won't be any confusion on who's invited.  Make sure they know that verbal invitations should not be issued, at all. You and fi should take charge of sending the invitations and keeping track of the RSVPs.

Beachy730

What do you mean they are inviting people?  Are they telling them by word of mouth?  I don't imagine they have their own set of invites that they are mailing out. 

If they are not contributing financially at all then I would call and say: "Unfortunately we do not have it in our budget or venue to accommodate all of these guests.  To be fair, we have split the guest list and each family is given X amount of guests to invite.  Please give us the list of those X amount of people, and we will send the invites to them.  If there are more than X number of people we will mail the invites to only the first X people on the list." 

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b550bfc8-776f-4d8b-a942-5a4d3caad277Post:f9c6fa37-d016-4d36-9ec2-9c4e63d73dd8">Re: family issue help!</a>:
[QUOTE]He needs to be the one dealing with his family, and he needs to nip this in the bud.  If he doesn't, then prepare for a lifetime of them trying to run your life while he's away.  A wedding ring does not change these things.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Definitely this.

filaw

OP, let me check if I'm clear on this, it sounds to me like what you're saying she's doing is actually inviting these people, like in person telling them that they are invited to your wedding, and then informing you of the fact that she has invited them and you will be sending them an official invitation.

If that's what's she's doing, that's outrageous!  And honestly, when it comes down to it, this is her bad not yours.  If she's been so silly as to invite people to a party that she's not hosting without checking with the host, then it's also her responsibility to face the awkward conversation of letting them know she messed up.  Sounds like you and FI may have to get tough and let her know that she needs to stop inviting people that aren't on the approved guest list, and that if she does, she'll have to uninvite them.

RastUmbarger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b550bfc8-776f-4d8b-a942-5a4d3caad277Post:a772538b-1c63-425e-924c-0d7d038944f4">Re: family issue help!</a>:
[QUOTE]What do you mean they are inviting people?  Are they telling them by word of mouth?  I don't imagine they have their own set of invites that they are mailing out.  If they are not contributing financially at all then I would call and say: "Unfortunately we do not have it in our budget or venue to accommodate all of these guests.  To be fair, we have split the guest list and each family is given X amount of guests to invite.  Please give us the list of those X amount of people, and we will send the invites to them.  If there are more than X number of people we will mail the invites to only the first X people on the list." 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

This is EXACTLY right. It's even better if you can get your fiance to say it, but if not then you need to call them and tell them that they are budgeted for X number of guests, and that if they would like to invite more than that then you are happy to accept their contribution to the budget to cover them.

Don't worry about not inviting people that they have told through word of mouth, if they try to insist. It is not YOUR job to tell those people that they are, in fact, NOT invited, it is your ILs.

mstroud23

This is why we chose to get married where we met because the chapel only holds 125ppl and by the national park regulation 5 of those seats have to be empty for tourists. FMIL did this sort of thing to us. But she didn't give me addresses until I had already sent out invites. FI had called her several times and she never could get us addresses. Then one day she emailed them in. We sent out 4 of her 32 invitations. Those 4 were ppl my FI said he would most like to be there. If you are sending out the invites then it's entirely up to you and your FI. It will make her look bad and you or your FI needs to talk to her about it. <--but that depends on whether or not you have that kind of relationship with your FMIL.

SeptemberFall2011

I vote that you tell them you cannot afford any more guests (if it is true) or that the venue is unable to hold the number your list is totaling (again if it's true) yourself!  Your fiance is busy with training (not that it's an excuse) so you need to be able to do it yourself. 

gailpete

Since your wedding isn't until the end of February, no official invitations should have been issued yet.  Determine how many people the FILs can invite and give them that number as an absolute.  No additions, no verbal invites, no RSVPs to the FILS.  All RSVPs should come to you.  Good Luck.  Unfortunately, since your FI is out of town and invites and lists are going to be needed in the next month or so, this will likely fall to you to handle.