Not even a bridesmaid....

MissyMiss90

My best guy friend of 4 years is getting married. The girl he's getting married to is really sweet. I'm so happy for them. It's a small wedding and she only has a MOH. But I get texts and calls from her almost every day asking me about invitations, bridal shower ideas, dress shopping, etc. I told her bout two weeks ago I had an idea for her bachelorette party. She said that's cool but to talk to her MOH. I've never met her. I texted her once. I feel like I'm kinda doing all of the stuff that her MOH should be doing. I'm closer to the brids age so I think I could do it. But I haven't know the bride all that long to tell her anything. Should I just be a good friend and help her with any of the planning se needs help with or talk to her about getting her MOH to help more?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-even-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b57d7d27-680a-4fbb-adc5-df36aad67762Post:7b76cc3a-07bd-4488-8b4e-ce07ca9e09e3">Not even a bridesmaid....</a>:
[QUOTE]My best guy friend of 4 years is getting married. The girl he's getting married to is really sweet. I'm so happy for them. It's a small wedding and she only has a MOH. But I get texts and calls from her almost every day asking me about invitations, bridal shower ideas, dress shopping, etc. I told her bout two weeks ago I had an idea for her bachelorette party. She said that's cool but to talk to her MOH. I've never met her. I texted her once. I feel like I'm kinda doing all of the stuff that her MOH should be doing. I'm closer to the brids age so I think I could do it. But I haven't know the bride all that long to tell her anything. Should I just be a good friend and help her with any of the planning se needs help with or talk to her about getting her MOH to help more?
Posted by MissyMiss90[/QUOTE]
MOH is not a title to be awarded to the best helper, it's supposed to be the bride's closest friend.  There's nothing that the MOH "should" be doing.  Hopefully you're being helpful because you want them to have a beautiful wedding, not because you're trying to guilt your way into a title.  If you don't want to do the work without the recognition, then stop.

[Deleted User]

The MOH does not have to plan the shower or bachelorette party. If you don't feel comfortable planning the bach party, then don't feel obligated. But I also wouldn't go offering ideas, b/c that sounds like you are interested in being involved/planning, etc.

Is there any way the 3 of you can go out to lunch or for coffee? That way you can get to know the MOH better in case you do end up helping plan some pre-wedding parties.

Either way, it sounds like you are an understanding friend since they are having a small wedding. I think this has the potential to develop into a great friendship between you and the bride and her MOH.

xcrewgal

One of the biggest lessons I've learned about weddings is EVERYONE has different expectations.  Maybe the bride in this case thinks all these requests are "normal" whereas you think they're overload.  Maybe she is putting a lot on her MOH and wants to delegate some to you.

My advice is to communicate.  Ask to take her to coffee or have her over for dinner so you can talk about the wedding.  It doesn't have to be super serious, but just say that you'd love to help with the wedding but want to make sure you're both on the same page about what that means.  If you think it's overload, explain to her that your work/etc. demands a lot from you and ask what her priorities are for your involvement.  Then talk about how often you will email her/meet with her.  I think if you can get that all out up front and get on the same page, you'll save yourself lots of stress as the wedding day nears!

If it never gets better, just remind yourself that wedding planning has an end, and vow not to give your bridesmaids the same grief!  Sometimes we just go through this for the friends we love

rociomatinal

Since she doesn't have bridesmaids at all, and her MOH is not her age, I think her calls are a sign of real commitment to you. She trusts you to give her good advice and help her like a real good friend. That's so much of an honor! You will feel so proud on the wedding day when you see how fine everything worked out (and it was in great part thanks to you).

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-even-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b57d7d27-680a-4fbb-adc5-df36aad67762Post:ff9c6fde-2e5c-45ba-bf87-001b7d648546">Re: Not even a bridesmaid....</a>:
[QUOTE]Since she doesn't have bridesmaids at all, and her MOH is not her age, I think her calls are a sign of real commitment to you. She trusts you to give her good advice and help her like a real good friend. That's so much of an honor! You will feel so proud on the wedding day when you see how fine everything worked out (and it was in great part thanks to you).
Posted by rociomatinal[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

EMC050

I understand what you're saying and how you feel.  I think it would frustrate me a little too.  You want to be helpful but then when you offer instead of just doing what you're asked, you're directed to the person who it seems like should have been handling it in the first place. 

I think it might be one of those situations where the MOH was named for obligatory reasons?  Either way, if it were me, I would do the following: 
1) Look to build your relationship with the bride to where you do feel comfortable answering her requests for feedback - and -
2) View the help you're providing as help for your best friend, not just his bride.

If you really feel like it's an issue that the MOH isn't pulling the weight you think she ought to be, I would say nothing more than, "Yeah, I like that. Have you heard other opinions? What does your MOH think?"  Pushing any further than that would just seem bitter. 

Hope this a helpful perspective.   

HandBanana

I don't know if anyone else addressed this but she may also look to you if you have been married before or stood up in a wedding.  This is especially true if the MOH hasn't been married or stood up in a wedding before.

In my experience planning I have been going to my future SIL and my cousin for a lot of advice because they just did such an amazing job planning their weddings.  They aren't in my bridal party but I just know they have been there and done that.

It sounds like you are being a helpful and supportive friend durring a very stressful time.

kheta13

I understand exactly how you feel.  One of my best friends is getting married and I am not in the bridal party, but she asks for my opinion about everything.  I think the best thing to do is listen to the other more positive posts. Continue to be a good friend (because certainly it's an opportunity for you to get to know the bride and her friend). Don't be pushy about it. Just simply share your advice and ideas with a smile.  Clearly she does value your opinion otherwise she wouldn't ask.

aconrad15

I agree.  Jst be a good friend, but don't do anything that you're not comfortable doing or don't want to do.  If anything, you know your best guy friend is appreciating the help that you're giving his fiance!

S0095042

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-even-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b57d7d27-680a-4fbb-adc5-df36aad67762Post:bb9cf1c0-6888-431b-ba1c-c55cef8bb9bf">Re: Not even a bridesmaid....</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree.  Jst be a good friend, but don't do anything that you're not comfortable doing or don't want to do.  If anything, you know your best guy friend is appreciating the help that you're giving his fiance!
Posted by aconrad15[/QUOTE]

this. however, i respectfully disagree from some previous posts...I think when you accept being someone's MOH there are certain tasks that you know go along with it. She's the "lead" of the BMs and I would be very upset if my MOH didn't take an interest or participate in the normal festivites. I know many of you will disagree with me, but those are my thougts.