Mum, Sister/MOH, FMIL...EVERYTHING!

Cpolli326

Get comfy. This is a long one.

Let's start with my charming family. My father abandoned my mother and older sister literally because of my conception 20+ years ago. Recently, he's been weaseling his way back into mine and sister's lives. Now, he's talking about singing at my wedding. Are you kidding me? The only reason he's back is because I'm getting married, he can play "granpa" to my niece and nephew, and because he no longer has to pay child support for the two of us. His mother is also talking about being invited. Riiiggghhttt. Not happening, Lady. I've met you a handful of times over my LIFETIME. You're not getting all gussied up and sitting at the head table at my wedding.

My mother's mother, the grandma I grew up knowing, who has been more than supportive, and has even bought my gown will be there, I hope, but she's ill and wheelchair-bound and is worried she'll be a burden mostly because of comments by.....

My mother. Oh boy, here we go. First off, FI and I got engaged in early December. I love the man. He's incredible. We were planning on an October 2012 wedding date so that we had enough time for planning and saving. My mother and sister urged us to move up the date with promises of my mother putting $5,000 toward the wedding if we did it in 2011. So, I bumped it up a year. That wasn't good enough. They wanted it to be October of this year. I knew that couldn't happen, so I said, "May is the soonest it will happen."

Ok. My mother is HORRIBLE with money. She has nothing saved and it's SEPTEMBER. I wanted an outdoor wedding at a nearby park. She demands an indoor venue. We go to see several of them. Since it is such short notice, very few are still available. There is really only one around here left that I feel is even halfway decent. I'm not snooty. There were literally dirt tracks and roaches scittering around the others. Now, my mother refuses to speak to me about anything wedding related saying that I need to find a venue first. I DID find a venue. She didn't have the money to make any payments on it after pushing me to look at it. Now we're 8 months out, I have a gown, no venue, and I'm not "permitted" to plan because she doesn't know what in the hell she's doing.

This is the same woman who took me to dress shop at a pricey store an hour away where we met up with one of her friends. I fell in love with a gown there. This thing was made for me. She says, "No problem." On the way home, she berates me for liking a gown that costs over $500. Well, there's nothing at that shop under $800, genius! No frikken' duh! She took me to this place, only to let me fall in love with a dress and promise to get it for me only so that she would look good in front of her friend.

Later, I went to look at gowns at David's Bridal and found one similar with my grandma. She bought it for me outright saying that I looked lovely and I would be a beautiful bride, the only thing I really wanted to hear from my mother. MY mother ended up furious and in order to "have some part in my own daughter's wedding", she bought me a veil and a tiara, which I don't even like. She's into the princess thing. I am not.

My older sister is my MatronOH. I understand that she has a full-time job and a family, but she's the one that wanted the job so badly. She's offered to make my jewelry as she's really pretty good at it as well as the jewelry for my bridal party. She still hasn't even begun pricing for the materials and is blaming me for "not choosing colors". I had colors, themes, dresses, vests, and flowers chosen...for an October wedding that I wasn't allowed to have. So, I chose aqua, dark blue, cream, and silver for my colors 4 MONTHS ago. Bull-shit I don't have colors chosen!

 Also, my bridal shower is this saturday. My grandmother is throwing it. I helped my mother choose colors and favors. I gathered all of the names and addresses. I went venue hopping with my grandmother. I designed the cake and chose the flavor. I decided on the meal. I created the registry with my gran since my FI has been a no show. I made, wrapped, and labeled the baskets for the raffle. I have been in contact with the venue on any changes as far as the guest list and I followed up on the non-RSVPers. The most she's done is melt chocolate for the favors. And then, I hear that she might just skip out on it early or not show up at all because her friend (who is a TOTAL bitch and got her and her family kicked out of their last apartment) is DEMANDING she be at her daughter's christening that day. She is my sister and my MOH, the shower has been planned for 5 months, sister's friend knew this and she still set it that day and is pissed with my sis for even considering going to my shower.
 
Also, she said that I can "forget about a bachelorette party since (she) never got one." First of all, I was her MOH...at 15. She got married the day before my 16th bday. Secondly, she was pregnant. Lastly, she had a shotgun wedding because she wanted the baby born in wedlock unlike the two of us. We had 2 moths to plan the wedding, she didn't have a bridal shower, only a baby shower and this is somehow my fault.

She and her family llive in a decent apartment, but FI and I just bought a house. We're living together in a nice place, with decent jobs, no kids, and planning a nice wedding. She's jealous and resentful and keeps wanting to douse the entire wedding day in glitter. I HATE glitter. It get's everywhere, it's impossible to remove with anything short of steel wool, and unless it's done well, it looks cheap.

Finally, I'm very concerned about my FMIL. She's a nice enough lady, but she has no sense of boundaries. She keeps pressuring FI and I to go get hitched in Vegas then immediately have children. I can't have children due to some medical issues and I don't even know if I want kids right away. FBIL and his fiance live with his parents with their son and daughter. Poor FSIL is constantly hounded and undermined by "grandma". She can't play with her son without him being scooped up and carried away for a "bath" or some other nonsense and when she tries to get her own daughter (who isn't even related to my FMIL) to do her homework or clean her room, here comes "grandma" to yell at the girl's mom for being too hard on her and to spoil the little girl.

Now, FI and I recently went to dinner at FIL's. FI innocently mentioned that we had some shopping to do for some things to fix up the house. His mother immediately corners me and confiscates the list so that, "she can make sure (I) have everything right". She then goes on to raid her cupboards for furniture polish (that turns out to be half empty, 20 years expired, and a horribly ugly color), old curtains (also not exactly "my style"), and tries to dig out a set of rickety old shelves but is unable to get around the rest of the absolute crap she has piled in her garage and basement.

Also, upon seeing our house, she is trying to tell me how to set up our furniture, what colors we should do, what rooms should be used for what, what is "proper" to keep in our medicine cabinet (oh yeah. She's a major snooper) and how nice it will be hear little feet running across the hardwood floors.  WTF lady? You've got a grandson and a kind-of granddaughter. Get off my back, already.

Anyhoo. Any advice or tellling me to stop whining or that I type WAY too much is appreciated. I think I really just needed to let it all out. Haha. Have a great night!

CaseyandSalley

Wow I dont even know where to start, sounds like you need to have a chat with these people about bounderies. Id take it one step at a time. Figure out piece by piece how to deal with each situation. Take a deep breath and tackle each issue

mysticl

Ok, I'm a social worker so I'm going to chalk this whole thing up to being the equivilant of walking into a therapist's office and just spewing it all out.  Which can very good for your emotional health. 

Stop counting on your mother for anything.  And I think that deep down you already know this.  Figure out what you and FI can afford and move on from there.  Accept that you sis is going to be the type of MOH that just stands up with you at the church (and there is nothing wrong with that) so if she does go beyond that it will be a pleasant surprise.   Avoid talking to FMIL about anything more important than the weather and the new fall television line up.  Don't invite Dad or his family, but know in advance what you are going to do if they decide to crash the wedding. 

Good Luck, I hope you feel better now.

AutumnFair

<div>Holy crap, that had to feel really good because that is a lot of built up anxiety in that post. It's weird because this sounds like my two friend's problems combined.</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mum-sistermoh-fmileverything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b62fa8f5-2f1b-4672-b93e-aa31f395c765Post:fceb4a8b-920f-484c-af50-60315b861717">Mum, Sister/MOH, FMIL...EVERYTHING!</a>:
[QUOTE]Get comfy. This is a long one. Let's start with my charming family. My father abandoned my mother and older sister literally because of my conception 20+ years ago. Recently, he's been weaseling his way back into mine and sister's lives. Now, he's talking about singing at my wedding. Are you kidding me? The only reason he's back is because I'm getting married, he can play "granpa" to my niece and nephew, and because he no longer has to pay child support for the two of us. His mother is also talking about being invited. Riiiggghhttt. Not happening, Lady. I've met you a handful of times over my LIFETIME. You're not getting all gussied up and sitting at the head table at my wedding.<div>
</div><div><strong>Yeah, I would tell him point blank that he does not have a role in the wedding besides being a guest. As for his mom, well, she'll get the hint when she does not receive an invite and when she calls (because she probably will) then you can say, "sorry, but I only want people who have been in my life there" (lol maybe not as snarky).</strong></div><div>
</div><div> My mother's mother, the grandma I grew up knowing, who has been more than supportive, and has even bought my gown will be there, I hope, but she's ill and wheelchair-bound and is worried she'll be a burden mostly because of comments by..... </div><div>
</div><div><strong>Not much I can suggest besides reassuring that all that she has done is greatly appreciated by you.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>My mother. Oh boy, here we go. First off, FI and I got engaged in early December. I love the man. He's incredible. We were planning on an October 2012 wedding date so that we had enough time for planning and saving. My mother and sister urged us to move up the date with promises of my mother putting $5,000 toward the wedding if we did it in 2011. So, I bumped it up a year. That wasn't good enough. They wanted it to be October of this year. I knew that couldn't happen, so I said, "May is the soonest it will happen." Ok. My mother is HORRIBLE with money. She has nothing saved and it's SEPTEMBER. I wanted an outdoor wedding at a nearby park. She demands an indoor venue. We go to see several of them. Since it is such short notice, very few are still available. There is really only one around here left that I feel is even halfway decent. I'm not snooty. There were literally dirt tracks and roaches scittering around the others. Now, my mother refuses to speak to me about anything wedding related saying that I need to find a venue first. I DID find a venue. She didn't have the money to make any payments on it after pushing me to look at it. Now we're 8 months out, I have a gown, no venue, and I'm not "permitted" to plan because she doesn't know what in the hell she's doing. This is the same woman who took me to dress shop at a pricey store an hour away where we met up with one of her friends. I fell in love with a gown there. This thing was made for me. She says, "No problem." On the way home, she berates me for liking a gown that costs over $500. Well, there's nothing at that shop under $800, genius! No frikken' duh! She took me to this place, only to let me fall in love with a dress and promise to get it for me only so that she would look good in front of her friend. Later, I went to look at gowns at David's Bridal and found one similar with my grandma. She bought it for me outright saying that I looked lovely and I would be a beautiful bride, the only thing I really wanted to hear from my mother. MY mother ended up furious and in order to "have some part in my own daughter's wedding", she bought me a veil and a tiara, which I don't even like. She's into the princess thing. I am not. </div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>I think you just need to delay your wedding and go back to your original plan with October 2011 or 2012 and pay for it yourself. Obviously you can't trust your mom to hold up her end of the deal so delay your wedding and save up so you can have it at the place you want it. Don't let anyone including your mother guilt trip, bargain, etc for delaying. Trust me you will feel so much pressure lifted off your shoulders when saving, planning, and doing everything yourself, so I strongly suggest delaying your wedding. Other than delaying I just don't seeing getting what you want without dealing with more mom drama.</strong></div><div>
</div><div><strong>As for your mom being mad about the dress, she needs to get over it. As for her buying things without consulting you, I would have an open talk to tell her that if she wants to be involve she can but she needs to respect your decisions and not go off on a tangent buying things that are not necessary. </strong></div><div>
</div><div>My older sister is my MatronOH. I understand that she has a full-time job and a family, but she's the one that wanted the job so badly. She's offered to make my jewelry as she's really pretty good at it as well as the jewelry for my bridal party. She still hasn't even begun pricing for the materials and is blaming me for "not choosing colors". I had colors, themes, dresses, vests, and flowers chosen...for an October wedding that I wasn't allowed to have. So, I chose aqua, dark blue, cream, and silver for my colors 4 MONTHS ago. Bull-shit I don't have colors chosen! </div><div>
</div><div><strong>I'm a crafty person myself and make jewelry (have done numerous jewelry for family and friend's weddings). I usually ask whoever what type of style they are looking for (I usually tell them to browse for pictures on etsy) and the colors and basically do the estimates for them with how many items of certain thing needs to be purchase and basically make a list and show them the site to buy it off of. It only takes a day for the most part to assemble jewelry for WPs so don't stress too much. If you just can't trust her to do them I suggest going to Etsy and make a request with your budget, I'm sure you will get many takers.</strong></div><div>
</div><div> Also, my bridal shower is this saturday. My grandmother is throwing it. I helped my mother choose colors and favors. I gathered all of the names and addresses. I went venue hopping with my grandmother. I designed the cake and chose the flavor. I decided on the meal. I created the registry with my gran since my FI has been a no show. I made, wrapped, and labeled the baskets for the raffle. I have been in contact with the venue on any changes as far as the guest list and I followed up on the non-RSVPers. The most she's done is melt chocolate for the favors. And then, I hear that she might just skip out on it early or not show up at all because her friend (who is a TOTAL bitch and got her and her family kicked out of their last apartment) is DEMANDING she be at her daughter's christening that day. She is my sister and my MOH, the shower has been planned for 5 months, sister's friend knew this and she still set it that day and is pissed with my sis for even considering going to my shower.  </div><div>
</div><div><strong>You have done way to much for your Bridal Party, I know your grandmother is technically hosting it but you are involve way too much. If your grandmother couldn't do it with or without someone else's help you should have decline her offer. You might have not had a shower which sucks I know, but you shouldn't have been so involve.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>As for your sister, you can be upset that she rather go to a christening but put it past you. You can not control her actions so just let her be and have fun without her. </strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div> Also, she said that I can "forget about a bachelorette party since (she) never got one." First of all, I was her MOH...at 15. She got married the day before my 16th bday. Secondly, she was pregnant. Lastly, she had a shotgun wedding because she wanted the baby born in wedlock unlike the two of us. We had 2 moths to plan the wedding, she didn't have a bridal shower, only a baby shower and this is somehow my fault. </div><div>
</div><div><strong>Anyone can throw a shower or bachelorette party, but no one is required to as well. If your sister (who sounds kind of resentful) does not want to throw you one than either someone else will do it or you won't have a bachelorette party. Don't let her attitude spoil what's suppose to be a fun time. Just ignore her when she starts being negative.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>She and her family llive in a decent apartment, but FI and I just bought a house. We're living together in a nice place, with decent jobs, no kids, and planning a nice wedding. She's jealous and resentful and keeps wanting to douse the entire wedding day in glitter. I HATE glitter. It get's everywhere, it's impossible to remove with anything short of steel wool, and unless it's done well, it looks cheap. </div><div>
</div><div><strong>Umm, yeah, you need to tell her that you would rather not have to clean everything just for a little sparklie decor.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>Finally, I'm very concerned about my FMIL. She's a nice enough lady, but she has no sense of boundaries. She keeps pressuring FI and I to go get hitched in Vegas then immediately have children. I can't have children due to some medical issues and I don't even know if I want kids right away. </div><div>
</div><div><strong>Now this is where your FI comes, this is HIS mother. HE needs to deal with her and set boundaries. If he can't do it then a Red Flag should come up. He needs to tell her that "thanks for the opinion but we want to do this way". Same deal with the kids issue, when you two decide to have kids then you will start trying. I think parents do not get that newly weds need a breather before going onto bringing children into the family. </strong></div><div>
</div><div>FBIL and his fiance live with his parents with their son and daughter. Poor FSIL is constantly hounded and undermined by "grandma". She can't play with her son without him being scooped up and carried away for a "bath" or some other nonsense and when she tries to get her own daughter (who isn't even related to my FMIL) to do her homework or clean her room, here comes "grandma" to yell at the girl's mom for being too hard on her and to spoil the little girl. </div><div>
</div><div><strong>Your FSIL needs to slap not only FMIL but her FI. She needs to take charge of the situation with her children and NOT let her FMIL do that to her and she needs to get her FI on top of these issues also (even if they are living with her). I hope they are working like crazy to get out of there because the biggest way to change her controlling nature is to move out.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>Now, FI and I recently went to dinner at FIL's. FI innocently mentioned that we had some shopping to do for some things to fix up the house. His mother immediately corners me and confiscates the list so that, "she can make sure (I) have everything right". She then goes on to raid her cupboards for furniture polish (that turns out to be half empty, 20 years expired, and a horribly ugly color), old curtains (also not exactly "my style"), and tries to dig out a set of rickety old shelves but is unable to get around the rest of the absolute crap she has piled in her garage and basement. Also, upon seeing our house, she is trying to tell me how to set up our furniture, what colors we should do, what rooms should be used for what, what is "proper" to keep in our medicine cabinet (oh yeah. She's a major snooper) and how nice it will be hear little feet running across the hardwood floors.  WTF lady? You've got a grandson and a kind-of granddaughter. Get off my back, already. Anyhoo. Any advice or tellling me to stop whining or that I type WAY too much is appreciated. I think I really just needed to let it all out. Haha. Have a great night!</div><div>
</div><div><strong>This is where you can say, "we are more contemporary style, but thanks for the offer" or if she just HAS to give it to you, just smile and drop it off to the Goodwill or Salvation Army. </strong></div><div>
</div><div>Posted by Cpolli326[/QUOTE]
</div>

marissa_claire

Just to keep this simple, have you put deposits down on things?  Because if not, at this point, I would personally just tell my mom thanks but no thanks and save up for YOUR dream wedding in October 2012.  I think that would be fair.  Even if you have put deposits down, it doesn't sound like you have a lot done that couldn't be changed (some vendors are willing to change a date even with the deposit, so just call and ask what their policy is.)

  If it's stressing you out so much to have a wedding that pleases everyone else, then I would say have the wedding you want with your own money and it will not be their place to complain.  

mkrupar

You said in your post you don't have a venue, if you don't have a venue, postpone your wedding to 2012 and pay for it yourself like you originally planned. Don't let mom or anyone else try and guilt trip you into having it earlier. The only way to truly get your dream day is for your to foot the bill. Don't wear the veil and tiara that mom got if you don't want to. It seems like both you and FI need to have talks with your respective families about boundaries. This is you and him, for the rest of your lives, you make the decisions, don't let anyone bully you into anything else.

SSaltzman87

Go with your original plan of having the wedding in 2012. That way, anything and EVERYTHING about it will be your decision since you'll be the one paying for it. No one should be making these decisions for you anyway!

Also, some VERY concrete boundaries need to be set in general, not just when it comes to the wedding. Don't be afraid to put your foot down, even if it means pissing off some people.

Cpolli326

Thanks, everybody. I really appreciate all of your help and advice with all of this mess. Haha. I think I will just have to (finally) stand up to everyone on this. Thanks again and I hope you all have a great rest of your week.

Muffin'sMom

<strong>THIS!!!!  And have your wedding on the date you want.  Mom said so!!!!</strong>

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mum-sistermoh-fmileverything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b62fa8f5-2f1b-4672-b93e-aa31f395c765Post:3eac996b-3165-405b-9f6f-540d3e9adeb6">Re: Mum, Sister/MOH, FMIL...EVERYTHING!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm a social worker so I'm going to chalk this whole thing up to being the equivilant of walking into a therapist's office and just spewing it all out.  Which can very good for your emotional health.  Stop counting on your mother for anything.  And I think that deep down you already know this.  Figure out what you and FI can afford and move on from there.  Accept that you sis is going to be the type of MOH that just stands up with you at the church (and there is nothing wrong with that) so if she does go beyond that it will be a pleasant surprise.   Avoid talking to FMIL about anything more important than the weather and the new fall television line up.  Don't invite Dad or his family, but know in advance what you are going to do if they decide to crash the wedding.  Good Luck, I hope you feel better now.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

heyimbren

Wow, that was long.

I'm sorry you have to put up with a whole load of crap from people, and I'm glad to hear that you're going to put your foot down on some of this.

If your mother isn't trustworthy with the money and all, just decline her offer. Plan the wedding yourself, and decline help from others if you don't like the help they're offering. Also, you mentioned in your post that your FI isn't doing much. He really should step up a bit more, and that concerns me. So I'd have a talk with your FI about all of this as well.

GL!