Is this any of her business?

eshaufle

So my parents are paying for my wedding.  That is, they gave my FI and I a budget and anything we spend exceeding that we are responsible for.  Sounded fair to us.  His parents offered to host the rehearsal dinner.  Great.

Now my FMIL is being weird about the rehearsal dinner (another story for another time) and on the phone to my FI the other day she actually asked him what he and I are paying for in the wedding.  When he told her the above situation with my parents, he said she got all weird saying the modern trend is for us to contribute towards our wedding.

I'm not saying she's wrong.  It seems like a lot of people these days are paying for a lot of their own weddings.  That's totally fine.  My parents just happen to think they are still the responsible party here and I'm not going to fight them on this.  

Either way though...how is this any of her business??  And why does she care how our wedding gets paid for? ?? It's not like she's paying for the ceremony/reception part (aka 98% of the expenses) so I don't see why it's her business what FI and I are contributing.

Enchanted616

Yea, I don't really think its any of her business. 

However, maybe she is bringing it up because they no longer want or are able to contribute to the RD, and was hinting at this with her comment.  Your FI needs to have an honest convo with his mom and the two of you may end up paying for the RD yourselves. 

MairePoppy

Just a guess here, but she may have thought your were paying for a large part of the wedding yourselves so she offered to help out by hosting the RD.

Anyway, I agree with you. If she is not helping to finance the wedding she shouldn't concern herself with who is paying for what. That's between you, your fi and your parents. And your arrangements with FILs should be kept confidential, also.

eshaufle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-of-her-business?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b84e93fd-87fe-4e50-8a73-e6e14616d970Post:6075dffc-e307-4186-891b-1a2a07cc1e88">Re: Is this any of her business?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea, I don't really think its any of her business.  <strong>However, maybe she is bringing it up because they no longer want or are able to contribute to the RD, and was hinting at this with her comment.</strong>  Your FI needs to have an honest convo with his mom and the two of you may end up paying for the RD yourselves. 
Posted by Enchanted616[/QUOTE]

I totally agree that I think this a sort of passive-aggressive hint at us.  I personally think that if that's really the issue then a) she needs to be mature and talk to us about it like adults and not try and guilt us into paying for it and b) she needs to discuss it with FI's dad (they're divorced) because I know this is not how he feels.

Yeah, trust me...the hint was not lost on us.  But on principal, we don't plan on being guilted into anything.  If there's a legitimate financial concern then we want to be talked to about it and then we'll resolve it from there. 

eshaufle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-of-her-business?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b84e93fd-87fe-4e50-8a73-e6e14616d970Post:1c08ff01-4467-4b3e-b2d1-69ea0834e273">Re: Is this any of her business?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Just a guess here, but she may have thought your were paying for a large part of the wedding yourselves so she offered to help out by hosting the RD.</strong> Anyway, I agree with you. If she is not helping to finance the wedding she shouldn't concern herself with who is paying for what. That's between you, your fi and your parents. And your arrangements with FILs should be kept confidential, also.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Not that you knew this, but I would find it very surprising if she thought my parents weren't paying for the majority, if not all, of the wedding.  I would be pretty shocked if she thought we were contributing the most.  I'm pretty sure my FI has even mentioned the whole "we have a budget from her parents to stick to" thing before to her.  I guess it's just hard to see how other peoples' thinking processes go.  So I don't think the RD offer was an offer just to help us out.  They knew that's traditionally hosted by the groom's parents so the offer I'm sure stemmed from tradition. 

marissa_claire

I think you could gently remind her that you will have costs of your own, including gifts for the wedding party, hair/makeup, the honeymoon from what it sounds like.... 

Frankly, both our parents are paying for things and we've tried pitching in where we can, so we've been very open with on the money issues with our parents. 

With that, I would say there are ways to talk about this particular issue without mentioned dollar signs.  You can say, they're paying for the reception, the food, the venue, the invites, and so on, without her knowing that they are contributing X amount of dollars.  If you think she is trying to hint, then straight up ask her.  This sounds like a topic that won't easily be resolved by stewing about it or something that will go away.

SSaltzman87

It honestly isn't any of her business, but I do agree that her actions are kinda passive aggressive. Get to the bottom of it now.

eshaufle

Thanks for the advice marissa_claire.  I think my FI did mention to her the costs for the honeymoon and WP gifts (the concept of hair and makeup escaped him somehow but I totally count it in :-)) but she doesn't seem to think those are "necessary wedding expenses".  To each their own.

My parents and I have been very open about costs and money during this whole process but I agree that leaving dollar signs out of it when we're discussing things with her since it's not really for anyone else to know.  She doesn't need to know how much my parents are paying and honestly it shouldn't affect how she decides to spend her money so I don't see why it's relevant.

I think my FI is going to needs to bluntly ask her if this is going to be a problem because there is no other reason we can think of why she cares about what we're contributing.  Hopefully she sees that my parents expenses (food, invites, music, etc) and the expenses you mentioned above for FI and I are pretty substantial and so we're certainly not forgetting to pull our own weight finance-wise.

suz62984

That isn't her business. If she brings it up again just say "That is between me and my parents. I'm really not comfortable discussing it further."

Fi should have told her when she asked that it was between you and your parents. But he didn't so oh well. Yes, most couples are paying for it; however if you have help that is great. I don't really know why she felt the need to comment on it unless she is having a hard time finding RD money and thought maybe you guys could pay for it instead.

eshaufle

Haha, yeah I don't think guys ever do well when confronted by their mom's...I actually think he did an ok job despite being put in a very awkward situation.  He didn't tell her what the budget was or anything.  Just mentioned that he and I do have expenses of our own outside of what my parents will probably cover and left it at that. 

Thank you so much for all the advice!  So helpful!

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-of-her-business?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b84e93fd-87fe-4e50-8a73-e6e14616d970Post:ca356dd4-8e15-4902-b9ce-59a9d690acff">Re: Is this any of her business?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this any of her business? :Yeah, trust me...the hint was not lost on us.  <strong>But on principal, we don't plan on being guilted into anything. </strong> If there's a legitimate financial concern then we want to be talked to about it and then we'll resolve it from there. 
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]

Your attitude about this is coming off as rather rude to me.  It is not your ILs responsibility to pay for the RD.  I realize that they offered and it is traditional, but you sound liek you are entitled to her paying for it.  Yes, if she can't afford t pay for it, she should be mature and just tell you.  But just realize that it is not her responsibility to pay for it for you, it is a nice thing if she decides to do it.  Just have your FI ask her straight out and if she says she can't, figure out a way to pay for it yourselves.  It is your wedding and your responsibility. 

eshaufle

If you read prior posts you will see that I've never said anything about being entitled to anything.  In fact, the only person who sounds like they're entitled to anything is my FMIL if she is being passive-aggressive in order to get us to offer to pay for the RD after she offered (and has thus far not told us otherwise) because we have not explicitly had to pay for anything yet.

All I think is that it was rude to me and my parents for her to ask such a question for whatever reason that is.  Also, if you read my prior post, it has not yet been determined that any of this has to do with the RD at all so why should I have any reason to act entitled to something that may or may not be an issue related to this?

I think you're assuming too much where as other posters have merely suggested the RD has something to do with it.  And the consensus is it is her job to bring it up to us in a non-rude way.  And yes, on principal I usually do not hold peoples' hands through anything if they do not directly bring it up to me in a mature way.  It is not my job to read minds and is not my job to nurse people through anything.  If she has a problem, talk to me or my FI and we will fix it.  I don't think that sound entitled if all I'm asking for is the decency of an honest conversation.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-of-her-business?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b84e93fd-87fe-4e50-8a73-e6e14616d970Post:f3d54759-fd59-4d9e-9674-204acc8df211">Re: Is this any of her business?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this any of her business? : Your attitude about this is coming off as rather rude to me.  It is not your ILs responsibility to pay for the RD.  I realize that they offered and it is traditional, but you sound liek you are entitled to her paying for it.  Yes, if she can't afford t pay for it, she should be mature and just tell you.  But just realize that it is not her responsibility to pay for it for you, it is a nice thing if she decides to do it.  Just have your FI ask her straight out and if she says she can't, figure out a way to pay for it yourselves.  It is your wedding and your responsibility. 
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

Noodle, you totally missed the point. Read all the posts. Every word. Please.

She was saying that she wasn't going to let her MIL's comments guilt her into suggesting anything unnecessary. If MIL can't get the cajones to say something right now, she will inevitably say something later or do nothing which will force the OP to simply pay for it herself, whatever. Regardless, it's not OPs responsibility to ask about. It's her FI's. And she shouldn't let MIL's comments affect her into saying "You poor dear, is there ANYTHING that you need?" MIL is an adult. She can act like one.

OP, it's none of her damn business. Just tell her that it's between you and your parents and order FI to do the same. He shouldn't have been discussing your parents' finances to his mom anyway.

Muffin'sMom

Your fiance needs to straight up ask her if she is asking because she is concerned about paying for the rehearsal dinner...and then follow that up with some details on what she is or is not willing to do.

StephAnne5

I also agree that this is none of her business, my FMIL is doing the same exact thing and she knows my parents are contributing most of our wedding budget also.  My main problem has become that she comments that everything is "too expensive" and she's not even the one paying for stuff so I can definitely understand your frustrations.  My best solution was to push it aside because it's causing my FI a lot of stress which isn't how I want him to remember our wedding planning, so I've just done my best to mediate the situation as much as possible and explain to her why we are getting what we are and usually she comes to see it our way or if not, I just ignore and move on!  Good luck with the rest of your future planning and don't let this get to you too much, sometimes it's easier to just brush it off.

nikiandchris

No, it's not any of her business what anyone else contributes to the wedding. What IS her business is how you spend the money she contributes-- which is obviously just the RD.

Good luck. We found ourselves in a similar situation-- we were just as vague as possible when she asked about things that she didn't have a hand in. We got through it and she doesn't hate me (yet lol).

dianenjnj

another perspective:

you probably already know how well fixed the future in laws are...house, cars, clothes, jewelry, education, etc., if they are well off maybe she's trying to figure how much her family should contribute.

in any case, you know her...maybe she is  passive/agressive...if that is the case...ignore everything and let fi handle it all...if not, or if you are unsure, give her the benefit of the doubt, but still let fi handle it.

Sonita12

I agree she is being passive-agressive in attempts now to not pay for the RD. If she doesn't want to contribute as a kind gesture now at the beginning of your marriage, then if I were you, I would not want her to help out with the RD. Maybe it's a bit prideful, but this should be a happy day where a union of families is celebrated.
Definitely get to the bottom of it ASAP.

eshaufle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-of-her-business?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b84e93fd-87fe-4e50-8a73-e6e14616d970Post:c1dad0ec-ba72-4833-b513-9c9236c8f467">Re: Is this any of her business?</a>:
[QUOTE]another perspective: <strong>you probably already know how well fixed the future in laws are...house, cars, clothes, jewelry, education, etc., if they are well off maybe she's trying to figure how much her family should contribute.</strong> in any case, you know her...maybe she is  passive/agressive...if that is the case...ignore everything and let fi handle it all...if not, or if you are unsure, give her the benefit of the doubt, but still let fi handle it.
Posted by dianenjnj[/QUOTE]

I've come to realize that this is not always indicative of anything.  Instinct would tell me (based on the bolded things that would give you an idea of their situation) that contribtuion should not be a problem.  However, having known them for awhile now I know that they tend to be predispositioned to not be as contributory towards their son.  I have no idea why this is but it's just how it is.  Ever since his parents have split, it seems as though it's just a competition to get the other one to pay for more so it ends up just making things harder on the kids needlessly in some cases.  Every situation has a story behind it though so we can't always go off of what we think someone's position is.

She's not normally a passive-aggressive person though so the comment kind of threw me off.  I'm definitely letting the FI handle it and he's been great.  I think some pp made it seem like he revealed too much information, which he didn't (I don't even think he knows what our budget is from my parents lol).  That was mis-wording on my part probably.  All he said was that it wasn't her business and that he knows we are responsible for anything over budget but did not say what that budget was since he doesn't know I'm pretty sure.  He pointed out our personal costs related to the wedding (honeymoon, WP gifts, etc) and left it at that.