Tired of Mom's issues

azdancer8

It's absolutely ridiculous how my mother just won't stop fretting about money and the wedding. I think a lot of it is rooted in her own insecurities, and that I am her oldest, and the first to be married, and live the farthest away...

Back when I started planning, my parents and I decided on a budget, and I even broke down what I thought things would cost by category, so they were on the same page as me. Now that I'm in the final stretch, my mom keeps saying its more expensive than she expected. And I'm going to end up over twenty percent UNDER budget when everything is all paid for! What is the point of giving me a budget if she is going to complain when I work within it?

And as if it isn't bad enough that she's already jeaous of my FMIL - who she's never even met - she is whining because they're "only" paying for the rehearsal dinner. (FI is paying for the honeymoon, but it's HIS choice, not his parents.)  It's annoying because my parents were the ones who offered to pay for everything from the start. 

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading, if you got that far.

orangecrush32

I wouldn't worry too much. You're her first kid to get married, she's new at this stuff. Just try not to talk money with your mom.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tired-of-moms-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba4b4416-bcc1-4882-a3ed-92f64fc5e665Post:66ac97a8-d7f1-48a9-a247-5910e51c78c9">Tired of Mom's issues</a>:
[QUOTE]It's absolutely ridiculous how my mother just won't stop fretting about money and the wedding. I think a lot of it is rooted in her own insecurities, and that I am her oldest, and the first to be married, and live the farthest away... Back when I started planning, my parents and I decided on a budget, and I even broke down what I thought things would cost by category, so they were on the same page as me. Now that I'm in the final stretch, my mom keeps saying its more expensive than she expected. And I'm going to end up over twenty percent UNDER budget when everything is all paid for! What is the point of giving me a budget if she is going to complain when I work within it? And as if it isn't bad enough that she's already jeaous of my FMIL - who she's never even met - she is whining because they're "only" paying for the rehearsal dinner. (FI is paying for the honeymoon, but it's HIS choice, not his parents.)  It's annoying because my parents were the ones who offered to pay for everything from the start.  Sorry, I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading, if you got that far. ;)
Posted by azdancer8[/QUOTE]

Did she even want to pay for you wedding? Did your parents offer or did you come to them asking? I ask because she sounds like someone who was either guilt triped into paying and is making it known to you that they are not happy about it or is realizing that she didn't expect a wedding to be so expensive and that their finances might be tight for what you original budgeted for. Whatever it is I would discuss it with her because maybe she is trying to tell you to cut back do to them having financial difficulties.

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tired-of-moms-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba4b4416-bcc1-4882-a3ed-92f64fc5e665Post:e8a8bb0a-7b1b-43d3-9d87-46a83005a479">Re: Tired of Mom's issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Tired of Mom's issues : Did she even want to pay for you wedding? Did your parents offer or did you come to them asking? I ask because she sounds like someone who was either guilt triped into paying and is making it known to you that they are not happy about it or is realizing that she didn't expect a wedding to be so expensive and that their finances might be tight for what you original budgeted for. Whatever it is I would discuss it with her because maybe she is trying to tell you to cut back do to them having financial difficulties.
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

She says at the end that her parents offered to pay from the start. My guess is that they maybe thought his family would decide to offer to pay for some things, and are miffed that his family didn't. But I mean... my parents offered immediately to pay for my whole wedding, so we never even tried to find out if FI's family wanted to contribute - although they don't seem to (they're not quite as financially secure as my family). But if the offer was made, her mom needs to chill out on the complaining, especially since she's coming in under budget.

I don't know where you got the idea that the mom was guilt-tripped, I didn't read that at all. I'd be frustrated too if this was my mom. If she didn't want to pay for the whole thing, she shouldn't have offered. And, while it's somewhat understandable to be nervous about adding a new "mother" to the family, it's silly to be jealous at this point - unless you're taking your FMIL to a bunch of wedding planning stuff or girl bonding stuff that your mom isn't invited to.

If my mom was like, "I didn't know this stuff was gonna be so expensive" I'd probably say something like, "Well, I mean... that's why we did the budget right away, aren't you proud of me for staying under it? I've been working really hard to make sure we're getting the most mileage out of every dollar, and didn't spend as much as we originally thought we would! And I really do appreciate all of this, my special day wouldn't be possible without you." Make sure she knows  she's appreciated, the money is appreciated, but that your'e proud of the way you've handled the budget and planning, and hopefull she'll stop.

azdancer8

Yes, they offered to pay from the start. They have plenty of money, and she was not guilt tripped. In fact, my father's original offer was three times my final budget! I'm actually the tightest with a buck in my family.

I've tried to discuss it with her several times, but she always says, "I shouldn't say anything" like she doesn't want to burden me, but still wants to guilt trip me. If she wanted me to cut back, I wish she would have said something back in the early stages, not less than 20 days out. It's a bit late to do anything about it now, anyways. :P

The sarcastic part of me wants to tell her to sell some of her never used scrapbooking stuff if she's *really* worried about money (which I doubt is the true issue). Her brand new craft supplies are worth more than my entire wedding! But I digress...

MairePoppy

Maybe your mom is just venting.

It's very generous of your parents to pay for your wedding. The next time she starts stressing over the money, just tell her you love her and appreciate every thing they are doing to make your wedding wonderful. You might be surprised that your appreciation might make it seem more worthwhile to your parents.

I'm glad you're keeping the sarcastic part of you in check. Telling your mom to hawk her stuff, would make you sound like a brat.

AutumnFair

I see, I know some parent's offer right when couple's get engage because of all the excitement but then realize that they really don't want to do it or financially can't so I was curious to know more about the backstory on the offering situation.

Sounds like she either wants appreciation or is just tired of hearing wedding stuff picking away at her wallet (financially well off or not). Basically, kill her with kindness when she pulls the pity party or even better try your best to keep wedding talk away.

TheCranberry

I agree with AF.  Be nice to her and try to assuage some of her worries.  Vent to your FI or here so that you don't take it out on her.

garcias1

I understand that this is an awkward situation.  It was very generous of your parents to offer to pay, and it was very considerate of you to to stay so far under budget.  But you never know what kinds of financial problems your parents might be going through.  This recession involved a massive loss in the stock market.  This means many people lost huge portions of their retirement funds, college funds for their kids, etc.  When my friend got married, his FI's parents offered to pay and then gave them a budget.  Then they lost a ton of money in the stock market.  They still gave her the money that they budgetted and then some (actually she went waaay over the budget - she wasn't very good with saving money during the wedding process and really didn't think the money issue through), but it was a real financial strain on them.  She is really lucky that her parents paid for a wedding that ended up being double what they agreed to pay.

Enami

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tired-of-moms-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ba4b4416-bcc1-4882-a3ed-92f64fc5e665Post:8c8da113-44f5-457c-bf00-004c13162dec">Re: Tired of Mom's issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, they offered to pay from the start. They have plenty of money, and she was not guilt tripped. In fact, my father's original offer was three times my final budget! I'm actually the tightest with a buck in my family. ;)
Posted by azdancer8[/QUOTE]

while I'm not the most thrifty in my family, this is very similar to how my dad is. I think him saying he was going to pay for my wedding was the second thing out of his mouth when I told him I had gotten engaged (he knew it had happened too, was just sitting upstairs waiting for me to come tell him...). My mom wasn't vey excited at first, but hey, she got me The Knot winter mag for Christmas, so that's changed.