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Not sure what to do

My SIL just got engaged and I am very happy for her and her FI.  I have known my SIL since she was in middle school and just adore her.  I remember when her brother and I got married she cried as she told me that she finally got the sister she always wanted.  Since then I have helped her through tough times and happy times…she truly is my little sister.  Well, she didn’t ask me to be a BM and it truly broke my heart.  I thought that when you got married, you wanted the most important people standing with you and thought I would be there.  To be honest, I never thought I wouldn’t be in her wedding and I am having a very hard time processing the decision.  I am the only person in the immediate family that will not be in the wedding.  So, how would you feel if this happened to you and how would you handle the situation?  Maybe I am overacting, but it was hard to realize that maybe she doesn’t feel the same way that I thought she did about me.  Maybe she does just think of me as her brother’s wife and nephew’s mother.   Thanks for your help.

Re: Not sure what to do

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-sure-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbb936db-638f-49c0-8a68-a25b7d37b415Post:e52d6d10-acfa-4d4a-8786-4220028984d6">Not sure what to do</a>:
    [QUOTE]My SIL just got engaged and I am very happy for her and her FI.   I have known my SIL since she was in middle school and just adore her.   I remember when her brother and I got married she cried as she told me that she finally got the sister she always wanted.   Since then I have helped her through tough times and happy times…she truly is my little sister.   Well, she didn’t ask me to be a BM and it truly broke my heart.   I thought that when you got married, you wanted the most important people standing with you and thought I would be there.   To be honest, I never thought I wouldn’t be in her wedding and I am having a very hard time processing the decision.   I am the only person in the immediate family that will not be in the wedding.   So, how would you feel if this happened to you and how would you handle the situation?   Maybe I am overacting, but it was hard to realize that maybe she doesn’t feel the same way that I thought she did about me.   Maybe she does just think of me as her brother’s wife and nephew’s mother.     Thanks for your help.
    Posted by bogie1980[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt by this!  Can you be absolutely sure that she's finished asking all of the people she's planned on asking, though?

    You're just going to have to be as gracious as you can be, given your hurt feelings. Nothing good will come of asking her (big faux pas if you were to do that) why you weren't asked and you just have to accept that she didn't ask you, for whatever the reason.

    I hope that it isn't a case where she was a bride who was overly concerned with having even sides with her FI and therefore didn't ask people she might have otherwise asked (i.e. you) in the name of keeping sides matchy matchy.

    Unfortunately there's not much you can do except to be mature about it. I do understand why it's so hurtful, though, if you're the only person in the immediate family not involved in the wedding party.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd be hurt too if my SIL didn't ask me to be her BM, but it is her decision.  The only thing you can really do is he happy for her.  Offer to help her with any planning (if you want to and have the time) and just let her know that you're there for her.  
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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    edited December 2011
    Its her decision and you shouldn't dwell on it. Don't say anything about it and move on.
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    bogie1980bogie1980 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks girl!  I am pretty sure she isn't asking me since her and her BM talking about it all the time on FB.  I am giving her a small shower with her friends and have offered to help in any way I can.  I even send her cute info when I see things, but for the most part when I am around they don't talk about the wedding.  Its strange because when my MIL and SIL and around just my husband they talk about it all the time.  My husband wants to just ask what her thinking process was, but I told him no.  No matter how I feel at the end of the day its her wedding.  I remember the fights and hard time I had with my MIL during our wedding and I would never want her to go through that.  I want her to enjoy every aspect of planning a wedding.
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    ohwhynotohwhynot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you feel hurt by this; how many bridesmaids is she having?  It may be hard to do, but try not to make being a bridesmaid = the quality of your relationship.  You two have a long, wonderful history together - that hasn't changed. 
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    bogie1980bogie1980 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Last I heard she was having 14 BM.  You are right - this will not affect our relationship in the future.  I will always be here if she needs me.  I will just be guarded as to how much of myself I put of there.
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    edited December 2011
    Holy crap - 14 BM????
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    ohwhynotohwhynot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No way!  14?!   Is that for sure, or is that the impression you get from reading FB?  If there really are 14 BMs, count your blessings as being out of the clusterf*ck.  That's a recipe for huge drama, complication, and disaster. 
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    bogie1980bogie1980 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    14 is what my husband told me!  I know I should be happy since there are so many people, but at the same time I am like 14 people and you couldn't as me.  It’s a no win situation for me.  I really appreciate everything girls...I just needed to vent and get someone else option who didn't know me, my family and the situation. 
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    sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do you have children? Full-time Job? Maybe she though that you have alot going on and decided against it. Who knows only she can answer your question. But I wouldnt be upset just be there when she needs you.
    Anniversary
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    14 BMs is just insane.  I really think that you'll be happier on the wedding day (and the days leading up to the wedding) not to be in this circus.  You'll likely enjoy the wedding more than the 14 BMs.  Did I mention that 14 BMs is insane?

    Be disappointed that you weren't asked.  I get being disappointed. But then be the bigger person (as it appears you are) and be gracious (as it appears you are) and people will respect you for taking the high road here.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-sure-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bbb936db-638f-49c0-8a68-a25b7d37b415Post:06d318b2-4a13-4a90-9915-5d338e485c2c">Re: Not sure what to do</a>:
    [QUOTE]Holy crap - 14 BM????
    Posted by CTGirl30[/QUOTE]

    omg, that is way too many to handle. Only your nearest and dearest need to be up there with you on your special day.

    I would be disappointed as well, but if she is truly having that many girls, you may be thanking her later that she didn't ask you. That is going to be absolutely crazy, not to mention how long the pics at then end are going to take.

    I don't understand girls who have that large of a BP. IMO, it is over the top just asking for a lot of attention
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She probably did you a favor by not asking you.  You can go to the pre-parties, wear what you want, and be spared the inevitable and epic drama that will result from trying to coordinate so many people.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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