strung out brides put your hands in the air

bumblebee1234

Hello everyone,

Happy Friday!

So I need some advice/support. My wedding is coming up in about two months and I'm essentially the executive director of this weekend. I have a great fiance who helps a lot and is very supportive. However, I feel stretched so thin in so many directions by family members. Does anyone deal with other people's expectations? Our wedding is very formal and medium size so it has a variety of specific details and it is over three days. For the record, I wanted ten people, one day, done. However, when people give you money, you're obviously at the mercy of some of their decisions. My MIL and FIL to be are great for the most part but divorced and there is family drama to try to sift through. My parents are not paying for the wedding, my in laws are because my parents are not in the position to do so. Yet, they are very pushy about being "honored" in certain ways and that it's a homage to them and all they have done for me. My mother is giving me a shower in which she said to me, "the shower is about me and you get the gifts." The reality is, I'm a low keyed person and don't want any of this. I also have grandparents who are extremely high maintenance and guilt trip me if I don't see them constantly. We live out of state and with all this wedding planning, I can't keep up with my own parents, divorced in laws, guilt tripping grandparents, etc. Does anyone else go through this? I try to set limits and boundaries but the guilt is getting to me. It's about the marriage in my opinion but I feel as though I am getting torn apart.

Would love some advice.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_strung-out-brides-put-hands-air?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:bf9a6199-0d4c-4820-9d78-d9d793476288Post:3ab4e551-44a9-4202-9b2e-142ba30cf16c">strung out brides put your hands in the air</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello everyone, Happy Friday! So I need some advice/support. My wedding is coming up in about two months and I'm essentially the executive director of this weekend. I have a great fiance who helps a lot and is very supportive. However, I feel stretched so thin in so many directions by family members. Does anyone deal with other people's expectations? Our wedding is very formal and medium size so it has a variety of specific details and it is over three days. For the record, I wanted ten people, one day, done. However, when people give you money, you're obviously at the mercy of some of their decisions. My MIL and FIL to be are great for the most part but divorced and there is family drama to try to sift through. My parents are not paying for the wedding, my in laws are because my parents are not in the position to do so. Yet, they are very pushy about being "honored" in certain ways and that it's a homage to them and all they have done for me.<strong> My mother is giving me a shower in which she said to me, "the shower is about me and you get the gifts.</strong>" <strong>The reality is, I'm a low keyed person and don't want any of this. I also have grandparents who are extremely high maintenance and guilt trip me if I don't see them constantly.</strong> We live out of state and with all this wedding planning, I can't keep up with my own parents, divorced in laws, guilt tripping grandparents, etc. Does anyone else go through this?<strong> I try to set limits and boundaries but the guilt is getting to me.</strong> It's about the marriage in my opinion but I feel as though I am getting torn apart. Would love some advice.
Posted by bumblebee1234[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Alright, I will start with your mom. If she is making a huge deal out of the Bridal Shower then decline her offer to host one. You actually can decline showers, if your mom throws a fit, tell her that you don't like all this drama and commotion going on and it's not worth it. She can't throw a shower if the person who it is suppose to be for won't attend.</div><div>
</div><div>Second, if you set boundaries do NOT back down no matter the guilt. People LOVE playing the guilt card they know that most people have empathy and will back down.  So whatever you do, stick to your guns and don't let their attitudes get to you.</div><div>
</div><div>Lastly, your grandparents do not need to know any details of the wedding, if they guilt trip you about not seeing them tell them your sorry but you have A LOT going right now with the wedding and general life. People do not need to know every aspect of what your doing so do not feel guilty when people are peeved that their not getting their way.</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck and remember stick to your guns with setting boundaries. </div><div>
</div>

LoveMuffins

I agree with what Autumn said. If you decline the shower, maybe it will help set the tone with your mother for how things will be handled.

I definitely get the guilt tripping though, especially with the in-laws since they're paying. My mom's paying, mostly because she wants to invite our ENTIRE family (over 100 ppl) and she knows that the only way that will happen is if she's going to pay for it. When it comes to that, I'm pretty much just letting her have her way... however, it sounds like some things might be getting a little out of hand where you are. How/Why is the wedding over 3 days?  and in what ways do they want to be honored? To be honest, if they're so intent on having a certain kind of wedding, and you don't really care about that kind of wedding, why are you the one in charge of handling those details? Why aren't they handling those details?

Grandparents... are a little harder. I feel guilty for not seeing mine that are still living more too. But what do you mean by constantly? Once a week? Once a month? Is there any way that they can come see you at some point? (or would that just be more stressful?). Would a phone call update instead of a visit suffice? I know my grandparents are wanting to feel more involved in my life right now, because I'm getting married and they're thinking great-grandchildren and how happy they are to still be alive to see me getting married and hoping that they'll still be alive to see my children. It's hard when people are reaching the end of their life. You're thinking "high maintenance, why do I have to see them so often?" and they're thinking, "I don't know how much time I have left on this earth to see her." Maybe it's just because my grandmother died last year, but I've been really sensitive to the grandparents wanting to be there for certain events in my life. We even moved our wedding date up, because they thought a year and a half was too long (and at 92, I can see my FI's grandfather's point).

So... I guess what I'm saying boils down to three things. You can decline the shower if it's stressing you out. You can and should hand off handling crazy details to the people who are insisting on them. And, try to set boundaries with your grandparents... but also be sensitive to where they are in their lives.

Juleswcu

I'm putting my hands up in the air because I am a strung out bride and still over a year to go!  It is all due to my mom and I am now seriously considering a destination wedding.  I feel your pain!