MOH back on?

Faburaw

My MOH and I only became friends in the last couple of years. We had been talking because my best friend lived with her, and on a whim, she bought me a ticket to go to Europe with her. We emerged from the trip best friends. We were completely wrapped up in each others lives, to the point that everyone around us was getting really annoyed and put off by it. Some people went so far as to accuse us of being in a secret relationship.

She actually helped me get together with my fiance, and shortly after that, his brother and mother convinced him I was cheating on him with my MOH. He started a huge fight with her, in which things his brother said somehow got attributed to me and she stopped talking to me. I had my own beef with her, because she was letting someone that stole from me live with her, but I felt that my fiance should have left well enough alone.

Since then, the relationship has been rocky. She'll ignore my existence for months, then miss me so much...then ignore me again. in november of last year, I had had it with her. I didn't want anything to do with her. then my fiance got arrested and she was one of the only people there for me.

Then she wouldn't talk to me again, except about a book we were both reading.

The other day she saw I had changed my last name on FB, and texted me, freaking out because she thought I got married without her. I told her I didn't think she'd even answer me if I told her I was getting married and she said of course she would. The next day, I was drunk and I texted her and told her that I missed her and loved  her even if she didn't feel the same. She texted back and said of course she did. I asked her if we could start talking again, like normal people, and she said of course.

The rollercoaster is starting to be too much, and if she wants to talk to me, I wish she'd just stick to her guns and do it. If being at my wedding means so much to her, I don't understand why she'd keep me at arms length all the rest of the time.

SD3194

I don't really understand your question but I'm not sure how you could consider this person your MOH if your friendship is so rocky. If you're not even sure she would show up to the wedding you might want to reconsider the status of your friendship. Have you actually sat down and talked to her about it? I'm also curious as to why you changed your last name on facebook if you're not married yet.

twilight.rose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c02308cf-89c4-4733-8b2d-334d284e3b17Post:f1a29413-7383-4097-ba81-c3a4174b3912">Re: MOH back on?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really understand your question but I'm not sure how you could consider this person your MOH if your friendship is so rocky. If you're not even sure she would show up to the wedding you might want to reconsider the status of your friendship. Have you actually sat down and talked to her about it? I'm also curious as to why you changed your last name on facebook if you're not married yet.
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

This...particularly the FB issue. Your wedding is over 7 months away. There's no reason to change your name.

Also, I'm curious if you asked her to be your MOH prior to or after your argument last November. Last November is really the absolute earliest you should have considered asking your wedding party, and if you asked her prior to that, this is  a prime example of why one should wait to ask the wedding party, as relationships can change quickly.

If you did ask her after this blow-up, I'm not sure why you thought your relationship would suddenly heal itself after the problems you had obviously been having.

I agree with PP that the only real way to sort this out is to sit down face-to-face with your MOH and discuss the situation. Drunken texts aren't going to solve the problem, which is clearly deeper than whether she will attend your wedding/remain your MOH.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c02308cf-89c4-4733-8b2d-334d284e3b17Post:64b2e047-7212-48d1-8c37-ae755c4dff83">MOH back on?</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH and I only became friends in the last couple of years. We had been talking because my best friend lived with her, and on a whim, she bought me a ticket to go to Europe with her. We emerged from the trip best friends. We were completely wrapped up in each others lives, to the point that everyone around us was getting really annoyed and put off by it. Some people went so far as to accuse us of being in a secret relationship. She actually helped me get together with my fiance, and <strong><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000">shortly after that, his brother and mother convinced him I was cheating on him with my MOH. He started a huge fight with her, in which things his brother said somehow got attributed to me and she stopped talking to me. I had my own beef with her, because she was letting someone that stole from me live with her, but I felt that my fiance should have left well enough alone</font></strong>. Since then, the relationship has been rocky. She'll ignore my existence for months, then miss me so much...then ignore me again. in november of last year, I had had it with her. I didn't want anything to do with her. <strong>then my fiance got arrested and she was one of the only people there for me</strong>. Then she wouldn't talk to me again, except about a book we were both reading. The other day she saw I had changed my last name on FB, and texted me, freaking out because she thought I got married without her. I told her I didn't think she'd even answer me if I told her I was getting married and she said of course she would. The next day, I was drunk and I texted her and told her that I missed her and loved  her even if she didn't feel the same. She texted back and said of course she did. I asked her if we could start talking again, like normal people, and she said of course. The rollercoaster is starting to be too much, and if she wants to talk to me, I wish she'd just stick to her guns and do it. If being at my wedding means so much to her, I don't understand why she'd keep me at arms length all the rest of the time.
Posted by Faburaw[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't exactly get this situation. Your FBIL and FMIL LIED to your FI convincing him that you were cheating on him with you MOH. Then your FI starts a fight with your MOH and your MOH stops talking to you? I don't get it. I assume your MOH was defending herself that she was not in a relationship with you. This sounds like a HUGE mess and red flags. I assume that you were not cheating on your FI with your MOH, so why would he go after your MOH? How did his brother and mother convince him you were cheating on him? Seriously, drama and red flags. I really hope your FI is a smarter guy to not let his trust be taken advantage of by his family to pin him against you. If I were your MOH, I would probably distance myself too, because that is just way to much drama for me. </div><div>
</div><div>The other bolded part, THIS is where true friends show their colors, she was there for you when you were distressed. You may not realize it but close friends do not have to talk everyday, or week or even month. But when hard times strike and you need someone to be there, THAT is where friends come in and help you get through it.</div><div>
</div><div>Basically, like the others said. Have a heart to heart chat with her about wanting to connect and hang out more. Understand that everyone is busy and maybe she can't chat with you very much, but if you both open up and try to slowly get the ball rolling with communication on a more occasional basis you will start to really reconnect social wise again. 

</div>

Faburaw

I changed the name because of privacy issues. My FI thought it would be a good idea to use his last name because I was having a problem with people who have hurt me in the past stalking me on facebook. That was his suggestion.

As for the FBIL and FMIL, over the last year, he has seen what they are really like. His brother stopped helping out the family and disappeared, and then his mother started only contacting us when she wanted money. When she found out my fiance lost his job, her first question was whether or not he would have the money to pay her storage bill.

I asked her prior to November because originally we were getting married earlier, but things have changed significantly since then, in all areas.

I guess my question is whether or not it is worth the headache. We have a lot of history packed in to two years, and unfortunately we had guys come between us on both ends. I probably should have mentioned that two of her boyfriends in that time had a HUGE problem with me, and when she was with them was when things started really going south. She also has had some emotionally destructive things happen, where she started pushing out a lot of people, but I am not at liberty to put her business out there.

I love her to death, and she understands me on a level that no one else ever has. But at a certain point, I'm tired of apologizing and making amends for things that I didn't do.

vicki0508

It probably would've been better to just make your FB setting private - then nobody can "stalk" you.  It probably isn't hard to figure out that you are using FI's last name on FB. 

What did FI get arrested for?

Faburaw

It was over a traffic ticket from two years ago, that, as far as he knew had been taken care of. He had paid the fees off and everything. But somehow, some new court date was issued, he had no idea, missed it, and a warrant was issued for his arrest.

louieblue

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c02308cf-89c4-4733-8b2d-334d284e3b17Post:466de0b7-1260-4683-9e51-4f722e5669dc">Re: MOH back on?</a>:
[QUOTE]I changed the name because of privacy issues. My FI thought it would be a good idea to use his last name because I was having a problem with people who have hurt me in the past stalking me on facebook. That was his suggestion. As for the FBIL and FMIL, over the last year, he has seen what they are really like. His brother stopped helping out the family and disappeared, and then his mother started only contacting us when she wanted money. When she found out my fiance lost his job, her first question was whether or not he would have the money to pay her storage bill. I asked her prior to November because originally we were getting married earlier, but things have changed significantly since then, in all areas. I guess my question is whether or not it is worth the headache. We have a lot of history packed in to two years, and unfortunately we had guys come between us on both ends. I probably should have mentioned that two of her boyfriends in that time had a HUGE problem with me, and when she was with them was when things started really going south. She also has had some emotionally destructive things happen, where she started pushing out a lot of people, but I am not at liberty to put her business out there. I love her to death, and <strong>she understands me on a level that no one else ever has</strong>. But at a certain point, I'm tired of apologizing and making amends for things that I didn't do.
Posted by Faburaw[/QUOTE]

Um.  My DH understands me better than anyone else.  I feel like it should be that way.  I love my friends, but no one gets me better than DH.

I had a friend much like your MOH.  Notice I said 'had'.  I don't deal with high school fickleness - and I'm going to assume you all aren't still teenagers.  

If she's so hot/cold with you, who's to say she's not going to be pissed off at you come time for your wedding day?  Short answer:  no, it's not worth the headache.  But if you've already asked her to be your MOH and are now having second thoughts, it's going to be difficult to tell her you don't want her in the wedding party.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c02308cf-89c4-4733-8b2d-334d284e3b17Post:64b2e047-7212-48d1-8c37-ae755c4dff83">MOH back on?</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH and I only became friends in the last couple of years. We had been talking because my best friend lived with her, and on a whim, she bought me a ticket to go to Europe with her. We emerged from the trip best friends. We were completely wrapped up in each others lives, to the point that everyone around us was getting really annoyed and put off by it. Some people went so far as to accuse us of being in a secret relationship. She actually helped me get together with my fiance, and shortly after that, his brother and mother convinced him I was cheating on him with my MOH. He started a huge fight with her, in which things his brother said somehow got attributed to me and she stopped talking to me. I had my own beef with her, because she was letting someone that stole from me live with her, but I felt that my fiance should have left well enough alone. Since then, the relationship has been rocky. She'll ignore my existence for months, then miss me so much...then ignore me again. in november of last year, I had had it with her. I didn't want anything to do with her. then my fiance got arrested and she was one of the only people there for me. Then she wouldn't talk to me again, except about a book we were both reading. The other day she saw I had changed my last name on FB, and texted me, freaking out because she thought I got married without her. I told her I didn't think she'd even answer me if I told her I was getting married and she said of course she would. The next day, I was drunk and I texted her and told her that I missed her and loved  her even if she didn't feel the same. She texted back and said of course she did. I asked her if we could start talking again, like normal people, and she said of course. The rollercoaster is starting to be too much, and if she wants to talk to me, I wish she'd just stick to her guns and do it. If being at my wedding means so much to her, I don't understand why she'd keep me at arms length all the rest of the time.
Posted by Faburaw[/QUOTE]
Please read my reply to louieblue regarding friendship.  I don't see how it's a rollercoaster just because your friend doesn't talk to you all the time.  It seems a little, um, much?

In any case, stop making everything about the wedding.  Whether or not your friend talks to you all the time is not a wedding issue.  What if all of this was going on, but there wasn't a wedding?  Think about it that way.

And I agree with PPs regarding FB.  You could have set your privacy settings higher so there will be nothing for anyone to stalk on FB.  You really don't need to change your last name on FB seven months before the wedding.  It looks more like jumping the gun than an attempt to fool anyone.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c02308cf-89c4-4733-8b2d-334d284e3b17Post:b1836213-e77d-4068-a5e0-8c7c80b4e79b">Re: MOH back on?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH back on? : Um.  My DH understands me better than anyone else.  I feel like it should be that way.  I love my friends, but no one gets me better than DH. I had a friend much like your MOH.  Notice I said 'had'.  I don't deal with high school fickleness - and I'm going to assume you all aren't still teenagers.  <strong> If she's so hot/cold with you, who's to say she's not going to be pissed off at you come time for your wedding day?  </strong>Short answer:  no, it's not worth the headache. <strong> But if you've already asked her to be your MOH and are now having second thoughts, it's going to be difficult to tell her you don't want her in the wedding party.</strong>
Posted by louieblue[/QUOTE]
Not everything us brides deal with has to go back to the wedding.  As much of a clusterf*ck as the OP's situation is, it sounds like more of a friend issue than a wedding issue.  And to be honest the drama sounds like it's primarily coming from her FI's family, not from the MOH.

Friends don't have to talk all the time to stay friends.  I can go without talking to my two best friends for months at a time.  But when we do talk we pick up right where we left off.  I would never imagine kicking them out of my WP.

It's bad advice to suggest to OP to kick out her MOH over not talking all the time.  It's a friendship-<em>ending</em> move.

Faburaw

The problem isn't us not talking all the time. The problem is how she is when we DO talk and her reasons for NOT talking to me. We can't even pick up where we left off anymore because any time we talk, she'll be nice for 30 seconds, and then suddenly she is snarky and mean, or shuts off completely.