Mom is bringing me down : (

stbmrsosorno

So originally my fiancee and I had planned to get married this April. He proposed last April after dating for 6 years and we were sooo excited, we wanted the wedding right away. Well...things soon became very overwhelming. Aside from just buying a house and moving out of our parents house and in together for the first time ever, plus becoming unemplyed...and trying to plan a wedding...needless to say, we hit a couple bumps in the road. Meanwhile my mom and I were full speed ahead booking the venue, buying the dress, booking photographers etc. Well, come October, we pushed the wedding back a year to next April 2012 which was very disappointing and inconveniant for our overseas guests who had already bought their tickets. We've been waiting a long time to marry each other and with all the chaos, fighting and tears last year we've grown together and are doing amazing now. We both have jobs, we're laughing, flirting, talking and playing again and we're now really excited about the wedding.... My groom works a lot and my mom is the main one I like to talk to about my wedding excitement...but she's bringing me down. She doesn't want to talk about the wedding anymore. She says she's gun shy and she's just not ready. She says she just isn't ready to go through arguing with my dad again over budget and vendors and details, but I'm doing a lot of it and trying to cut the budget in half with a lot of DIY projects. I'm making save the dates, invites, programs, favors, centerpieces, I was even thinking about taking some sewing classes to do my flower girl dresses. She was a little excited about the original wedding but I don't think she has confidence in my fiance. I don't think she trusts his commitment. I mean...we've been together for 8 years...we've gone through so many obstacles.. it's really bumming me out. I can't talk to her about anything and it's difficult not to turn to her for things when their the ones paying for it. I just want my mom to be happy for me again and have fun planning my wedding with me. : ( I'm just about over dealing with her tantrums and fits and anxiety whenever I bring up anything wedding related. Advice?

sister2groom

If she and your dad are having fights over paying for your wedding to the point where you mom doesn't want to plan your wedding, maybe it's time you consider paying for your own. I think you should talk to her. Maybe she got some flak from the people who had to cancel travel arrangements, or she's worried about putting friends and family through that again and them resenting your family for it, or maybe she's afraid she'll lose all her deposit money again.

So if I were you I would show your mom YOU have enough money to pay for a modest wedding and start planning and maybe that will get her excited enough (and see you're serious enough) to start planning and maybe she'l be excited enough she'll want to add extras and contribute to them.

stbmrsosorno

The thing is, I don't have the money to pay for this wedding. We have a huge family and if it was up to me, it wouldn't be that big. But she keeps reminding me that she's the host. So she has dibs on the guest list. And she didn't lose any deposit money. The venue let us push the date back as well as both our other vendors. Only one family in Brasil bought their tickets and the rest of the family there is actually thrilled because they have more time to plan to actually be able to come. I think it's just her and my dad arguing over budget. But it's between them. I'm not stuck on having a big wedding, but they're coming up with the guest list, as well as my friends of course. I'm trying to help by DIYing a BUNCH of things for the wedding. I'm actually saving us a lot of money. Plus now that my fiance and I are making a good amount of money we are planning to significantly contribute to the cost. That was one reason we pushed the date back. We didn't feel right making them pay for 90% of it. We wanted to make sure we could chip in sufficiently.

sister2groom

If you can't pay for the wedding SHE wants, pay for the wedding YOU want, and if she wants more (including increasing the guest count) she'll have to do what she needs to do with your dad to figure it out. That way the ball's in her court and she has to figure it out, instead of leaving you in limbo while you wait for them to agree.

McKenna2012

Ditto.

sarah42nd

I agree with the PPs. Also  your wedding is over a year away maybe she a little burnt out between planning for like 2-3 years .  Also a little tid bit of information.  DIY is not always cheaper. The Paper items ( STDs, Invites, programs ) are almost/ or are more expensive then if you say bought them free on  Vistaprint.com and paid the shipping.  I ordered STD postcards from VP and got 200 post cards for $7 ( shipping cost) . You can upload what you want  .

aerinpegadrak

Sorry, but if you're old enough to be getting married, you're old enough to pay for it yourself, all of it.  The only thing really required to get married is a license, everything else is optional.  If that means pushing the wedding back even further to get the wedidng you want, so be it.  Your parents aren't obligated to pay.

stbmrsosorno

Wow. I guess I'm being selfish. I just thought my family would be happy for me and respect the fact that we pushed the date back so that we could help pay. We were unemployed for 7 months...and we want to help pay. Trust me, we're chipping in a lot of money. I'm the only girl in the family and I don't think they're obligated to pay by any means. But I can't afford to feed all the guests they want to bring. I'm DIYing a lot of stuff because I already have a lot of the materials, and I'm going through wholesalers for the center pieces because it will be cheaper than having to pay the florists to buy the materials and pay her for the labor to make them. The wedding is costing maybe 15,000 and we're chipping in almost half of that. My parents are not poor by any means, they make pretty good money. I don't want to act spoiled or selfish, but I'm their only daughter, I'm the only girl in the family, I didn't think the money issue would take over having fun planning or being excited. I mean, they even asked me to warn them if I was thinking about getting married so they could start putting money aside. I told them like 2 years ahead of time that we had been talking about it. We have loved each other and been commited from day one, I don't know how they didn't see this coming. I think it might not just be money. I think my mom doesn't want ,me to marry him. I've thought seroously of just eloping and skipping the big wedding but I'm pretty sure my family would KILL me, my mom's told me that. She made me feel like I'd be robbing them of celebrating their only daughter getting married. I can't make everyone happy and I really am trying....I dunno, maybe I'm being a total bitch, maybe...I dunno.

tldh

Instead of trying to guess what's going on, why don't you have a serious heart to heart with your mom? Don't do it with the intention of making her excited.  If my mom were acting like this, I'd be more concerned about what's worrying her than how it's going to affect my wedding.

stbmrsosorno

I'll try that again.

mellimel19

As others have said, if money is becoming an issue between your parents, pay for the wedding that you and your FI can afford to host- if your parents want to add more people to the guest list or to add anything else to your wedding, that will be on them.

mizzicantwait

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-bringing-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c0943c17-7586-4eae-8aa4-26cbda3ae407Post:b054e57b-37b5-46be-b358-b606f8409714">Re: Mom is bringing me down : (</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. I guess I'm being selfish. I just thought my family would be happy for me and respect the fact that we pushed the date back so that we could help pay. We were unemployed for 7 months...and we want to help pay. Trust me, we're chipping in a lot of money. I'm the only girl in the family and I don't think they're obligated to pay by any means. <strong>But I can't afford to feed all the guests they want to bring.</strong> I'm DIYing a lot of stuff because I already have a lot of the materials, and I'm going through wholesalers for the center pieces because it will be cheaper than having to pay the florists to buy the materials and pay her for the labor to make them. The wedding is costing maybe 15,000 and we're chipping in almost half of that. <strong>My parents are not poor by any means, they make pretty good money. I don't want to act spoiled or selfish, but I'm their only daughter, I'm the only girl in the family, I didn't think the money issue would take over having fun planning or being excited. I mean, they even asked me to warn them if I was thinking about getting married so they could start putting money aside. I told them like 2 years ahead of time that we had been talking about it.</strong> We have loved each other and been commited from day one, I don't know how they didn't see this coming. I think it might not just be money. I think my mom doesn't want ,me to marry him. I've thought seroously of just eloping and skipping the big wedding but I'm pretty sure my family would KILL me, my mom's told me that. She made me feel like I'd be robbing them of celebrating their only daughter getting married. I can't make everyone happy and I really am trying....I dunno, maybe I'm being a total bitch, maybe...I dunno.
Posted by stbmrsosorno[/QUOTE]

Sorry to hear that such a special day is causing so much stress and kind of straining your relationship with your mother. I am also the only daughter and the youngest granddaughter from both families so it is a little stressful for everyone saaing the 'baby' grow up. Sit down and ask your mom why she is acting like this. Do NOT argue. Just ask her. Sit down with your father too and ask his opinions and what he thinks about your upcoming wedding.

Another thing if money is a 'problem'  for either you or your parents discuss the guest list and who they are inviting. Maybe you can cut some guests out. Unfortunately money also has an effect on planning and fun when it comes to wedding planning. Of course this usually only happens when you are trying to exceed your means.

But anyways. Good luck!!

phunluvin82

Hmmm...it sounds like you are willing to compromise a lot, but your mom wants things to be a certain way, and yet doesn't necessarily want to pay for it.  Could it be possible that your parents might be having some financial issues that you are not aware of?  It's a bad economy and even people that are still doing relatively well are very stressed about the uncertainty of everything.  I would reassure her that the wedding date is firm and will not be changed again (if that's what she's worried about)...but that you don't want her and your father to be stressed over financing it.  Tell her the compromises you are willing to make, like keeping the guest list smaller, etc.  Other than that, it seems like the only thing you can do is hope that she comes around...but be prepared to foot the bill for a more modest wedding if she doesn't.  Good luck!

stbmrsosorno

I like the last two posts and thank you. I didn't feel...so bad...crazy...selfish or attacked. I am trying to understand what's going on with my mom and dad and I am chipping in significantly. We're gonna go over the guest list again and I'm just gonna try and ease into any wedding conversation. I'm also going to become the one who talks to my dad about all financing stuff for the wedding, since that seems to be the biggest stress on my mom. Thanks for all the advice, and being kind at the same time.