broken engagement, place in wedding

i2012do

So one of my best friends recently broke off her engagement.
I didint intially ask her to be a bridesmaid because she was living over 1000 miles away,a nd after she got engaged, she kind of  "lost touch" with everyone back home..

turns out now, that it was more like her ex fiance didint want her to contact people back home =-- wanted her to make her new friends where she was etc... (this obvi was a major reason for their demise)...

now shes back, and living 10 minutes away.
i dont want to make her a bridesmaid, but our other two best friends are (we are all friends from highs chool the 4 of us)...

but i do want her to have a part on the special day. I feel like shes been through a lot, and moving back here was difficult-- but im not sure she actually WANTS to be involved in anything that has to do with a wedding--- even talking about a registry made her upset and teary-- so I dont want to ask her, if it will make her upset.

i am trying to think -- since im not getting married until 2012-- that downthe line is obvisously a better time-- but in th emeantime want her to know she is included.

i already have my FI's sister and my cousin doing readings---i just cant think of another way to incorporate her.

i will invite her to the rehearsel-- but im kind of trying to think of osmething else. we arent having a catholic wedding, otherwise i would ask her to carry the gifts.


is trying to find something for her kind of ridiculous? Should I just try to tell her that i didint originaly incorporate her (if she hadnt moved, gotten wrapped up in her "new life" i would have made her a bm)-- beacuse of the situation and her move etc.. but that i would like her to be a part of my wedding- and as involved as she wants to be?

suz62984

Holy crap - you picked your BMs early. Since your wedding isn't until 2012 just leave it. I guarantee you that your relationship with all these girls will change. You could get closer with said friend and ask her to be a BM. You could fall out of touch with the other two BMs. There is nothing to plan here right now. Just leave it as is. If you feel that you want her as a BM later (around 8 months from the wedding) then ask her; just wait to see how your relationship changes.

i2012do

I dont really want her to be a BM- just involved in teh wedding.
im still kinda hurt as to how she fell off the earth when she moved-- but now i realize, it was her fiance who didint allow her contact. plus i dont want to have another BM

i picked my BMs early, because i am lucky to have the same firneds that i have had forever. I dont really understand why people say to wait, because i know who my friends are and have been for years- i guess i am just lucky. I have a tight knit group of friends, they are my family-- our parents are friends, etc.

in additona, most of the BMS are my cousin, my future SIL, my best friend since I was born (we are a day apart and our moms are bfs) and my Fiances cousin.... plus my two closest college friends who i have lived with etc and we are all in each others weddings, we are like sisters
no brainers I guess!

I dont want to hurt my friend by talking about the wedding-- but i dont want to hurt her by her thinking she isnt a part of the big day

aerinpegadrak

People say to wait because, even if your friendships don't change, your plans might.  You're no longer in a position to, say, throw in the towel and elope, because these people have already committed to be there.  (And trust me, I was in that EXACT position.)  Additionally, there's literally not a single thing that your WP absolutely must do before it's time to start looking for attire, and doing that any earlier than a year out at the earliest is frankly insane.  So they're going to get burned out and bored of your wedding very quickly.  YOU'RE going to get burned out and bored of it from time to time, it's unrealistic to expect differently of them.  It's simply impossible for anyone to remain excited about anything for that long.

I asked my bridesmaids super early, too.  I'm still friends with all of them, but asking early is one of my biggest regrets.

The following roles are honors and actually part of the wedding:
- attendant
- reader
- gift bearer
- candle lighter
- officiant
- usher (in some circles)
- ETA: musician (Thanks Autumn!)

Anything else is a pity job.  If none of the other roles are an option, you'll have to decide if your numbers are more important than her feelings.  But given that your wedding is still TWO YEARS away, chances are she'll have had plenty of time to heal from her broken engagement by the time she has to, you know, get involved on any level at all.

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_broken-engagement-place-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c19c4519-0e12-4ec8-9afa-2147d218237cPost:549a3d8b-5571-4776-a689-f842c99047a3">Re: broken engagement, place in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]i picked my BMs early, because i am lucky to have the same firneds that i have had forever. I dont really understand why people say to wait, because i know who my friends are and have been for years- i guess i am just lucky. I have a tight knit group of friends, they are my family-- our parents are friends, etc.Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

The reason people say to wait is because 95% of the time the bride is caught up in the wedding and "duties" for the wedding. It puts a strain on the relationship that wasn't there before. With relationships always changing anyways, it seems to drive people further apart instead of closer together. Years of wedding demands can easily tear apart families and friends.

I was mostly making a general statement saying that your relationships could change with these people. You know more about your relationships than I do though. I would just include this girl as a reader. It isn't a BS job like program attendant or guest book attendant.

AutumnFair

If you look at over half of the post with Wedding Party or Bridesmaid problems you will see that the biggest factor was that the person asked too early (usually over a year). 

And to add to aerin's list, if your friend is musically talented you can ask her to sing or play something.

Personally, I would avoid all wedding talk with her if she got upset over a registry. I'm sure right now any wedding talk would be very raw for her. 

heyimbren

You did pick too early. I have very, very close friends as well who have been my friends for my entire life (literally). However, what's the rush in picking them? There really isn't anything they need to be involved with until about a year or less before the wedding. You don't have anything to gain by rushing into picking people.

Don't worry about picking a job for your friend to do right now. You said anything wedding related seems to make her upset- and rightly so. Your wedding isn't until 2012. I'd tell you to slow down on the planning for another year, but I doubt you will. So what I will say is to stop planning with other people for now. In a little over a year from now, you can re-address this issue. Hopefully she'll be moving on from the hurt she feels from this recent break up and you can involve her then.

But let it go for now.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_broken-engagement-place-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c19c4519-0e12-4ec8-9afa-2147d218237cPost:a12b72e1-faf3-4662-9aa5-82d37ca68fed">Re: broken engagement, place in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The following roles are honors and actually part of the wedding: - attendant - reader - gift bearer - candle lighter - officiant - usher (in some circles) - ETA: musician (Thanks Autumn!) Anything else is a pity job. 
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I think gift bearer, or guest book attendant, is a pity job too. Bleh.

Let it go for awhile. I think asking her down the road to be your attendant is a good idea. I'd be willing to bet that she's dealing w/her own issues right now, and not worrying about whether she'll be a part of your "big day".

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_broken-engagement-place-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c19c4519-0e12-4ec8-9afa-2147d218237cPost:c9862bde-5e45-4986-a9a3-f5e688765db0">Re: broken engagement, place in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: broken engagement, place in wedding : I think gift bearer, or guest book attendant, is a pity job too. Bleh. Let it go for awhile. I think asking her down the road to be your attendant is a good idea. I'd be willing to bet that she's dealing w/her own issues right now, and not worrying about whether she'll be a part of your "big day".
Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE]
Gift bearer is a ceremonial role, though, usually in Catholic ceremonies.  They're the ones who bring up the bread and wine that will become the Body and Blood.  When I was still Catholic I did it in church a few times, it's actually quite a high honor.

You might be thinking of gift attendant, the one who keeps an eye on the gift table and the card box, which is a total pity job.  Basically, it works out that part of the actual ceremony = honor, anything else, especially if it requires working for the reception = crap job.

lalap69

You shouldn't be talking wedding-anything with your friend right now.  She's in a rough spot and doesn't want to hear about this stuff right now and I don't blame her.  In 2012, which is OVER A YEAR AWAY, she'll probably feel better about things.  See about including her then, but seriously, you are way too far out to be sorting out these issues.  You're creating problems that don't exist.