Much older FSIL Bridesmaid? HELP!

jjomell22

My FI sister is almost 10 years older than us and we weren't initially planning on having her as a bridesmaid. We thought she wouldn't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid who is so much older than everyone else. She is almost 40 and the rest of the bridal party ranges from 23-28. Not to mention she acts her age and everyone else well...acts more like 20 somethings.  I don't want her feeling obligated to be a bridesmaid and feel uncomfortable. She has stood up in over 10 weddings over time and of course this is different b/c it's her brothers but we really don't think she would want to. We were planning to have her do a reading and carry the gifts at the ceremony. Her daughter my FI's niece/goddaughter we are having her as our flower girl. Now my FMIL said she thinks we should have my FSIL as a bridesmaid. And is giving us a guilt trip even though she said she doesn't know how his sister feels about it and hasn't even talked to her about it.  Are we wrong not having her as a bridesmaid? Does her daughter as a flower girl and her still being part of the ceremony take its place? Of course if she would truly want to be a bridesmaid we would include her. What do I do?

aerinpegadrak

Why not just ask her?  An invitation to be a bridesmaid (or a groomswoman, since it's your FI's relative) is not a subpoena; if she's not comfortable with it, she can always decline.

mgietler76

It couldn't hurt to have your FI to just ask her. I am not a fan of forced WP members (like parents of either side pushing for it) so if you don't want her to stand don't ask her.

zitiqueen

I'm near the same age as your FSIL and I'm thrilled sh!tless every time somebody doesn't ask me to stand up in their wedding! Honestly, it stops being fun once you're out of your 20s.

Your FI needs to tell his mother to butt out.

MairePoppy

Her age shound't be the deciding factor. The only way you'll find out if she wants to be in the wedding party is by asking her.

melissamc2

Yes, just ask.  It sounds as if I'm the same age as your FSIL and my fiance is the same age as you, and I've been asked to be in two weddings for 2011 for people in their 20s.  Age isn't as much of a factor as you seem to think it is.  She's the only one who can tell you how SHE feels about it.

jjomell22

Thank you everyone! My FI and I are going to meet up with her this weekend and ask her daughter to be our flower girl and talk to her about the bridesmaid situation. Hopefully she lets us know her real feelings. She tends to just go with the flow and not always say how she really feels. That's why this is so difficult. I probably should have said something to her a long time ago before we even got engaged to see her feelings then so she wouldn't be put on the spot or feel obligated. I don't know what I was thinking that would have been a much easier conversation.
I appreciate everyone's feed back and will let you know how it goes.

[Deleted User]

Yup, just ask her. You never know, she may be honored to be a part of your wedding. Or she may decline not bc she isn't happy for you but maybe due to cost or since her daughter is in the wedding already.

My cousins were in our wedding and they are in their mid-thirties. One of them mentioned something about it once, just jokingly, but was so happy to share our day with us. So age doesn't matter. It is the person that matters.

balletdawn

My sister is almost ten years older than me and she will be in my wedding. Whether she wants too or not...lol...but she did say yes when I asked her. It's important to me to have her really involved and that was the best way I could think of to make sure she's with me all day

goetzr19

Ditto pp's.  Just ask!  You'll never know, and in the end, she might be offended or hurt that you asked her to just do a reading rather than standing up.

Istremene

If you want her as your bridesmaid then ask her.  If FI wants her to stand up for him then she can always be on his side.  You do not HAVE to have wedding party member all be she same gender (females  on brides side, males on grooms side).  You should ask who is the nearest and dearest to you regardless of gender, age, etc.

mrszve

I just dealt with this same exact situation, except I was considering two FSIL's instead of one. Both are older by about 10-15 years than the rest of the bridal party. Thankfully my FMIL wasn't pressuring us (sorry to hear that); however, my fiance said that he would like to have his sisters in the wedding. At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about it because of the age difference. We decided that we weren't going to have them, but after the decision, I just didn't feel right. I felt like, no matter how old they were, they're still his sisters and he wanted them there. The oldest FSIL's daugher is also our flower girl and her husband is in the wedding too. Let me just say...when we asked them, it was all worth it. They cried and were so excited. One even said she thought we weren't going to ask them because they were older. At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel most comfortable with, but remember that family is family no matter what age and they will always be apart of your life, so why not have them apart of the most important day of yours? Hope this helps and good luck!