Moms and Maids
Options

Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!

        I have been married before (widowed) and now engaged. I have four women that are very special to me. My sister, K, J and R. 
        I was K's MH and am her only close friend. She moved far away to Cali and isn't able to be of a great assistance until close to the wedding and even then she has a newborn baby to handle while her husband is deployed. She and her husband were my late husband and I's closest friends and they both were there for me through very difficult times. She is somewhat possessive and jealous of our friendship and would be very offended if she wasn't MH I think. 
        J and I go back through high school. We were best friends through school. She knew my late husband and I as a couple and after high school we sort of lost touch. A couple years ago at a class reunion we got back in touch and have become quit close again. I've been there for her through her recent life struggles. She had a baby in June so her hands are quit full. Plus she's getting married a few weeks after me and I'm honored to be her MH. 
        R is a friend I've had since high school and I don't think she's been in any weddings. I'm her closest friend. I can talk to her about anything and I consider her one of my closest friends.
        My sister is probably above all my closest friend and knows me in and out, loves me no matter what. She's always been there for me but she is very immature and was my MH in my first wedding and she had no clue how to help nor was she financially capable to throw a bachelorette party and so I never had one. Same with shower. So having her be MH again doesn't seem appealing to me. Plus she would be there and be happy for me no matter who I chose .     
        I don't want to hurt feelings, I have no idea who to choose. They keep wondering who is the MOH and I have to get planning this thing since the wedding is in Six months. They each have there own qualities and been there for me in there own ways. Is it possible to make them all Maid of Honors?? I can't even talk to them for advise on this one!!!  Ideas? :( Help!
   

Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!

  • Options
    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:50de0b63-0af6-41ac-a9bb-2e13123f6756">Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]        I have been married before (widowed) and now engaged. I have four women that are very special to me. My sister, K, J and R.          I was K's MH and am her only close friend. She moved far away to Cali and isn't able to be of a great assistance until close to the wedding and even then she has a newborn baby to handle while her husband is deployed. She and her husband were my late husband and I's closest friends and they both were there for me through very difficult times. She is somewhat possessive and jealous of our friendship and would be very offended if she wasn't MH I think.          J and I go back through high school. We were best friends through school. She knew my late husband and I as a couple and after high school we sort of lost touch. A couple years ago at a class reunion we got back in touch and have become quit close again. I've been there for her through her recent life struggles. She had a baby in June so her hands are quit full. Plus she's getting married a few weeks after me and I'm honored to be her MH.          R is a friend I've had since high school and I don't think she's been in any weddings. I'm her closest friend. I can talk to her about anything and I consider her one of my closest friends.         My sister is probably above all my closest friend and knows me in and out, loves me no matter what. She's always been there for me but she is very immature and was my MH in my first wedding and she had no clue how to help nor was she financially capable to throw a bachelorette party and so I never had one. Same with shower. So having her be MH again doesn't seem appealing to me. Plus she would be there and be happy for me no matter who I chose .              I don't want to hurt feelings, I have no idea who to choose. They keep wondering who is the MOH and I have to get planning this thing since the wedding is in Six months. They each have there own qualities and been there for me in there own ways. Is it possible to make them all Maid of Honors?? I can't even talk to them for advise on this one!!!  Ideas? :( Help!    
    Posted by Megs827[/QUOTE]
    "I can't choose between all of you, I love you all equally, so I will not have a MOH."<div>
    </div><div>Never, EVER make the decision based on who can plan a party or help plan--it's not only the wrong set of priorities, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.  Knee-jerk reaction: Who do you want to be MOH?  If you can't decide, have none.  You're just as married w/o a MOH as you are w/ one.</div>
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are the only one who can decide this.  However, is there one you turn to more than any of the others when you need to talk?  If you can't pick one, then don't have a MOH.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • Options
    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Confession: I had thought about having my two sisters as co-MsOH, but I didn't want to make DH feel obligated to choose his two brothers over his best friend, so I asked a friend who was being particularly helpful.  I don't necessarily regret the choice, but there was some tension for a while when helping with the plans verged on taking them over.

    Honestly, a lot of people feel that bachelorette parties and showers are inappropriate for a second marriage, and even for a first marriage they're not required (I got neither).  If that's the only reason you wouldn't want to ask your sister to be MOH, that's a really crappy reason.

    But ditto the others that you don't need to designate one at all.  Her duties at the ceremony (read: the only duties she has, period) can be divvied up among them: one can hold your bouquet, another can hold the groom's ring, another can sign the license, etc.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Options
    lalap69lalap69 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:97e1b633-c7b2-45c0-8266-df121da2385b">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!! : "I can't choose between all of you, I love you all equally, so I will not have a MOH." Never, EVER make the decision based on who can plan a party or help plan--it's not only the wrong set of priorities, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.  Knee-jerk reaction: Who do you want to be MOH?  If you can't decide, have none.  You're just as married w/o a MOH as you are w/ one.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
    This exactly.  Read it and pretend I said it.
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
  • Options
    vixeyvixey member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs.  You don't havea to have a MOH, just have them all be equal BMs.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:50de0b63-0af6-41ac-a9bb-2e13123f6756">Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]       <strong>My sister is probably above all my closest friend</strong> and knows me in and out, <strong>loves me no matter what</strong>. She's always been there for me but she is very immature and was my MH in my first wedding and she had no clue how to help nor was she financially capable to throw a bachelorette party and so I never had one. Same with shower. So having her be MH again doesn't seem appealing to me.
    Posted by Megs827[/QUOTE]

    Fair warning, I have a younger very dear and only sister who is my best friend so what you said about your sister <em><u>really </u></em>bothers me.

    Like PPs said, you don't have to have a MOH. However, if you do have one, I think it's clear from you post (esp the bolded part) that it should be your sister. Choosing someone else because they might be more financially able to throw you parties is pretty shallow. Plus there's no guarantee they will throw you one because no one is required to throw showers or bachelorette, no matter what their position.

    [QUOTE]
    Plus she would be there and be happy for me no matter who I chose .            
    Posted by Megs827[/QUOTE]

    Using your sister's unconditional love as a reason NOT to choose her as MOH is mind-boggling to me. When my little sister gets married she can choose whomever as MOH, but I would be incredibly hurt if she chose someone else simply because I wouldn't complain about it. I mean you'd be punishing the person who loves you unconditionally and rewarding a complainer?!

    If people are offended you chose the person who is not only the only relative in your BP but also your best friend, well then they need to get over themselves.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Please realize that these women only need to buy a dress, show up at the wedding, and walk down the aisle. Anything is a bonus and should not be expected. And I agree with PPs about everything that has been said.
    image
  • Options
    Megs827Megs827 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you guys for the advice!!

    Now don't get me wrong, it may have come across like I just didn't want to choose my sister again strictly based off of party planning and such. Believe me, I understand that the bridal showers and bachelorette parties are all extras not have-to's, although they do make the special time in a Bride and Groom's life even more exciting but not necessary. After all this should be your one marriage with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. But it is also that she isn't reliable. She backs out of commitments constantly. Her opinion as far as dresses, colors, down to prices and such just aren't mature... common sense is lacking, she's like the wind! Sounds so bad I know :/. It's just that I would like to have someone that has both feet in... does that make more sense? My fiance and I live five hours apart and I need all the support I can get but understandably so everyone has their priorities and their own lives. 


     If I don't have a MOH, he still can do a best man right??  Would it be better to say they all are MOHs or just say that there isn't any?  
  • Options
    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:e964ebb6-c442-41a8-8f3c-4e315bf95e70">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you guys for the advice!! Now don't get me wrong, it may have come across like I just didn't want to choose my sister again strictly based off of party planning and such. Believe me, I understand that the bridal showers and bachelorette parties are all extras not have-to's, although they do make the special time in a Bride and Groom's life even more exciting but not necessary. After all this should be your one marriage with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. But it is also that she isn't reliable. She backs out of commitments constantly. Her opinion as far as dresses, colors, down to prices and such just aren't mature... common sense is lacking, she's like the wind! Sounds so bad I know :/. It's just that I would like to have someone that has both feet in..<strong>. does that make more sense?</strong> My fiance and I live five hours apart and I need all the support I can get but understandably so everyone has their priorities and their own lives.   If I don't have a MOH, he still can do a best man right??  Would it be better to say they all are MOHs or just say that there isn't any?  
    Posted by Megs827[/QUOTE]
    Well here's the thing, no one's going to be as excited about the wedding as you.  Not even the most gung-ho BMs will be interested in hearing about the details, and you'd be advised to not talk about the wedding plans often (mostly because it can be easy to talk about them more than you realize).  So long as your sister can be counted on showing up to the wedding in the dress, that shouldn't exclude her from being MOH.  It's based on the relationship, not the "reliability" (whatever that means).  My sister was my MOH and was terrible (not being reliable was the least of my worries), yet I don't regret asking her for a second.  I would do it all over again.  Just want to be sure that you are choosing for the right reasons.  You say you know that this stuff is extra beyond getting the dress and showing up, yet you kind of betray that by going on to say that your sister isn't reliable enough to be MOH.<div>
    </div><div>Of course your FI can still have a BM--it's really not for you to have a say in.  If he wants one, he gets one.  Your sides don't need to mirror each other.</div><div>
    </div><div>You can call them all MOH or none MOH, it's up to you and whether your BMs care about this sort of thing.  Ultimately the title is meaningless and for the person receiving it; no one else really cares.  My BFF is getting married next year and decided to not have a MOH and all three of us are BMs, and my feelings aren't hurt at all.</div>
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    Megs827Megs827 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sometimes a little perspective goes a long way, I appreciate that. Although I don't know how one can make such harsh assumptions not even knowing who I am. I have been like a mom to my little sister and brother. 
    I have been the MOH twice and will be in June to my friend J. I know the amount of energy and effort I like to put into helping them so that their day is so very special to them. I am so honored to be a part of their big day. Anything I can do for them to help relieve the stress so that they can soak it in and enjoy this special once in a lifetime event in their lives. The advise has helped put in perspective that not everyone takes on such a role when a BM. Thank you for the help!! I'm glad to have an outside angel to this predicament! :)
  • Options
    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:c3d9ed79-fe15-49e2-bed1-1ea4397a3314">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sometimes a little perspective goes a long way, I appreciate that. Although I don't know how one can make such harsh assumptions not even knowing who I am. I have been like a mom to my little sister and brother.  I have been the MOH twice and will be in June to my friend J. I know the amount of energy and effort I like to put into helping them so that their day is so very special to them. I am so honored to be a part of their big day. Anything I can do for them to help relieve the stress so that they can soak it in and enjoy this special once in a lifetime event in their lives. The advise has helped put in perspective that not everyone takes on such a role when a BM. Thank you for the help!! I'm glad to have an outside angel to this predicament! :)
    Posted by Megs827[/QUOTE]
    I don't think there were any harsh assumptions made.  All we have to go by is what you post, since we don't know you, so if you write in such a way that makes it look like you're making the decision based on who will throw a party, people are going to assume you're making the decision based on who will throw a party.  By all means clarify them like you have--it helps us and helps you.  I don't like to be wrong in what I write, but sometimes I fill in gaps based on other posts I've read, which probably isn't the best way but it's all I have.  But don't get upset if you leave something out and people make an assumption based on that missing piece, or if you write something and people go with what you wrote. <div>
    </div><div>Glad you found the board helpful.  Stick around--it's fun on here.</div>
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    jesst32jesst32 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It seems like you've gotten the information you wanted just wanted to offer another perspective. My SIL was very upset when her sister had a friend be her MOH, mostly because of their friendship. She said, which I thought was brilliant, "Friends will come and go. Sister are there forever" (Yes I know sisters aren't always reliable and we have our moments as well but I think this statement holds true.)
  • Options
    CSTK1910CSTK1910 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just a thought: People who want to help you are going to help you regardless of whether they are a BM or MOH. People who don't want to help you aren't going to help you much even if they are MOH. I wouldn't base my selection on that at all. Good luck!
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I have three close friends who are my bridesmaids.  I also have a sister and two FSILs.  I do not have a MOH.  My FI has three groomsmen, and 1 is a best man.  During the ceremony, the three sisters will process first, wearing a dark raspberry dress that matches the BM dresses (which are dark purple).  The sisters will sit with their families.  The bridesmaids will stand with me and be escorted by each groomsman.  I asked each of the bridemaids how I could honor them most since none will have the MOH title, and was surprised at the responses.  One friend thought the best thing would be to sign the marriage license, but was terrified of giving a toast.  Another wants to give a toast, and the last one said she wanted to do anything to help that I wanted her to do.  I'm very lucky to have three close friends who are more concerned with being involved with my wedding and being with me on my wedding day and not so concerned with things like titles.  BUT, I also don't care about pre-wedding parties, which are more likely to be hosted if you have a head honcho MOH.  To answer your question from before, I think it's fine to not have a MOH and it's OK for your FI to have a best man.  (At least I sure hope it is OK because that's what I am doing!)  I think it would be weird in the program to list 4 maids of honor though. 
  • Options
    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:149ec758-5d4a-4db3-9b26-2bcc5c67c47b">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have three close friends who are my bridesmaids.  I also have a sister and two FSILs.  I do not have a MOH.  My FI has three groomsmen, and 1 is a best man. <strong> During the ceremony, the three sisters will process first, wearing a dark raspberry dress that matches the BM dresses (which are dark purple).</strong>  The sisters will sit with their families.  The bridesmaids will stand with me and be escorted by each groomsman.  I asked each of the bridemaids how I could honor them most since none will have the MOH title, and was surprised at the responses.  One friend thought the best thing would be to sign the marriage license, but was terrified of giving a toast.  Another wants to give a toast, and the last one said she wanted to do anything to help that I wanted her to do.  I'm very lucky to have three close friends who are more concerned with being involved with my wedding and being with me on my wedding day and not so concerned with things like titles.  BUT, I also don't care about pre-wedding parties, which are more likely to be hosted if you have a head honcho MOH.  To answer your question from before, I think it's fine to not have a MOH and it's OK for your FI to have a best man.  (At least I sure hope it is OK because that's what I am doing!)  I think it would be weird in the program to list 4 maids of honor though. 
    Posted by palegirl146[/QUOTE]

    So let me understand this:  you're making your sisters buy a dress that matches the BM dress, making them process down the aisle, but then not having them stand with you during the ceremony, and not calling them BM's?  WTH?

    Why would you do that?  You get to choose the attire of your WP.  Your sisters and FSIL are not in your WP.  They don't have to buy dresses that match the WP.

    Wow. 
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental?  And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago?  And why do you not have a groom's name?  And why have you posted over 12,000 posts?  And why do you always say mean things to brides? 
  • Options
    Megs827Megs827 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    To each his own, I appreciate the constructive feed back Palegirl :) I see now that weddings are not a uniformed thing anymore these days. I feel like it's what's in the heart that matters and although there are many questions and CONSTRUCTIVE opinions are very helpful, ultimately it's up to the couple for what they want to do. Anybody that knows them and loves them (which should consist of the guest and people involved) will know the bride and grooms hearts and be happy to be a part of the uniquely special day and hopefully not be judgmental based on old traditions and "what's always been done". Good for you for trying to involve all the while doing what you want with it. You happy and everyone else happy... good resolution. :)
  • Options
    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:bd73dc21-a03c-4e3d-a616-01f9039a8b30">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental?  And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago?  And why do you not have a groom's name?  And why have you posted over 12,000 posts?  And why do you always say mean things to brides? 
    Posted by palegirl146[/QUOTE]
    Trix has been married 30-something years and been a MOB more than once.  Her advice is incredibly valuable because she has been-there-done-that and offers a perspective that someone who hasn't done what she has can't have.  It's easy to get caught up in the wedding-ness, but trust me, people who have been married have a perspective on the situation that you don't.  My wedding was 18 months ago and for privacy reasons I don't put my DH's name on the public profile (and I'm not the only person who hides it from public view)...am I also disqualified from giving advice?  I kind of feel like if all the married ladies left, you'd have the blind leading the blind.<div>
    </div><div>Trix isn't mean, she's blunt.  Your idea is objectively silly and ridiculous.  Give your sisters the freaking title.  You're basically telling them, "You're second-class citizens in this wedding" and I GUARANTEE you will feel ridiculous after this is over.  You will look back at your wedding in 1, 5, or 10 years and facepalm yourself and say, "Why on earth did I do that?  That was really immature of me."</div><div>
    </div><div>My advice to you: chill out and lurk a bit.  People often go from insulting the regs to defending them because they realize that, hey, we actually do have peoples' best interests at heart.  Trying to talk you out of a bad idea isn't rude, it's trying to stop you from executing the bad idea and suffering the consequences.  By all means go ahead if you want, but insulting someone for pointing out what will likely happen if you go ahead with this idea is just really immature and rude.</div>
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:bd73dc21-a03c-4e3d-a616-01f9039a8b30">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental?  And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago?  And why do you not have a groom's name?  And why have you posted over 12,000 posts?  And why do you always say mean things to brides? 
    Posted by palegirl146[/QUOTE]

    First, thanks brooke. Now, I'm happy to answer her questions:

    palegirl:  My wedding date wasn't over a year and a half ago.  It was 32 1/2 years ago.  I came to The Knot as MOG and MOB to get ideas about what new trends were in weddings. 

    And I found a community of people that I became friendly with.  In the past year, my family has been through two very, very serious traumatic situations, and many of the ladies here have been incredibly kind and helpful.

    I lurked for awhile and found which board(s) I was most comfortable with.  Each board has its own "vibe" if you will, and you find the one that you're most comfortable with.  WP is, in effect, my home board.They were a godsend, and actually mean more to me than they probably realize.

    My DH's name isn't anywhere because it doesn't need to be.  Nor do the names of my children or their spouses.  Some of the regs know their real names, most do not.  But I assure you, since you're concerned, that I absolutely do have a DH, and 32 1/2 years of marriage, I still adore him, and am blessed that he feels the same way about me.

    I've posted over 12K posts because I can.

    I don't always say "mean" things to brides.  I answer their questions and give advice.  I find that very often, brides come here wanting validation for what is, in the end, a bad idea.  And I point out why it's a bad idea. 

    Like making your sisters wear a BM dress, but not actually allowing them to be BMs.  It's a bad idea, one that I think, in retrospect you'll come to regret.  And I say so.

    I've used this analogy before, and I'll use it for you now:  You're planning a wedding.  You've never planned a wedding before.  So you come to strangers to ask for advice.  Do you want the advice from someone who's never planned a wedding before, or from someone who's actually, as the saying goes:  been there, done that.

    I liken it to pregnancy.  Imagine that you're 6 months pregnant with your first child.  You want to know what labor and delivery are really going to be like.  Will you want that information from someone who's 6 months pregnant with her first child, or will you want that information from someone who's actually been through L&D and has given birth?

    If this board is too tough for your sensibilities, may I suggest that you try out a local area or wedding month board.  Or try weddingwire.  I hear they're all about affirmation and validation.  Their advice won't be as helpful, but it sounds like it would be more to your liking.

    GL with your planning.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Megs.  And Trix, it's how you say it, not so much what you say.   You're words would be better received if you said something like, "Palegirl, why not just let them be bridesmaids?  In 10 years you'll look back and think, they matched, they were part of it, why not have them as bridesmaids?"  And I would have said, "I asked my sister and she originally said yes. Two weeks later, she said, 'No thanks, I'd rather just sit with my boyfriend and watch everything and not stand up there and be away from my boyfriend.'  My FSILs also didn't really want to be a part of it either for different reasons (one has a disability and the other doesn't really like attention and would rather sit with her family).  I was fine with that because I don't need or want a large entourage standing behind me at the altar.  But then my mom and FMIL asked what the sisters should wear (the mom's are buying their attire) and I said it would look great in family pictures if they wore colors that blended well, which eventually led to the decision of them wearing a different color of the BM dress.  I have a very easy going family and future in-laws, but none of them like shopping.  My mom has even asked that I pick out her attire just so she doesn't have to go shopping!"  I know you mean well now that you have responded with your explanation, but not knowing that background about you and the way you wrote with things like "WTH?" made you seem like a bitter and hateful woman instead of someone who is helpful and insightful. 
  • Options
    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:b3157eb3-6eca-46d2-9e00-305c41863c4f">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks Megs.  And Trix, it's how you say it, not so much what you say.   You're words would be better received if you said something like, "Palegirl, why not just let them be bridesmaids?  In 10 years you'll look back and think, they matched, they were part of it, why not have them as bridesmaids?"  And I would have said, "I asked my sister and she originally said yes. Two weeks later, she said, 'No thanks, I'd rather just sit with my boyfriend and watch everything and not stand up there and be away from my boyfriend.'  My FSILs also didn't really want to be a part of it either for different reasons (one has a disability and the other doesn't really like attention and would rather sit with her family).  I was fine with that because I don't need or want a large entourage standing behind me at the altar.  But then my mom and FMIL asked what the sisters should wear (the mom's are buying their attire) and I said it would look great in family pictures if they wore colors that blended well, which eventually led to the decision of them wearing a different color of the BM dress.  I have a very easy going family and future in-laws, but none of them like shopping.  My mom has even asked that I pick out her attire just so she doesn't have to go shopping!"  I know you mean well now that you have responded with your explanation, but<strong> not knowing that background about you and the way you wrote with things like "WTH?" made you seem like a bitter and hateful woman instead of someone who is helpful and insightful. </strong>
    Posted by palegirl146[/QUOTE]
    If you choose not to include the background, don't be upset when people don't know about it.  That's on you, babe.  And to call trix bitter and hateful is so far from fair that I worry about your maturity.  Truly, I do.  Because if you're able to twist what she said into "bitter and hateful" then I worry about how you handle other situations in your life.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-choose-mh-dont-want-hurt-feelings-tough-spot-advise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c67007da-b24e-441b-91d9-027730f5080ePost:b3157eb3-6eca-46d2-9e00-305c41863c4f">Re: Can't choose a MH... Don't want to hurt feelings and in a tough spot. Advise please!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks Megs.  And Trix, it's how you say it, not so much what you say.   You're words would be better received if you said something like, "Palegirl, why not just let them be bridesmaids?  In 10 years you'll look back and think, they matched, they were part of it, why not have them as bridesmaids?"  And I would have said, "I asked my sister and she originally said yes. Two weeks later, she said, 'No thanks, I'd rather just sit with my boyfriend and watch everything and not stand up there and be away from my boyfriend.'  My FSILs also didn't really want to be a part of it either for different reasons (one has a disability and the other doesn't really like attention and would rather sit with her family).  I was fine with that because I don't need or want a large entourage standing behind me at the altar.  But then my mom and FMIL asked what the sisters should wear (the mom's are buying their attire) and I said it would look great in family pictures if they wore colors that blended well, which eventually led to the decision of them wearing a different color of the BM dress.  I have a very easy going family and future in-laws, but none of them like shopping.  My mom has even asked that I pick out her attire just so she doesn't have to go shopping!"  I know you mean well now that you have responded with your explanation, but not knowing that background about you and the way you wrote with things like "WTH?" made you seem like a bitter and hateful woman instead of someone who is helpful and insightful. 
    Posted by palegirl146[/QUOTE]

    *eyeroll*

    Perhaps if you took a picture of your palm and posted it here I could have analyzed it and stopped Trix from forming conclusions on you simply from what you wrote on here.

    Welcome to the internet. If you don't write it, it can't be considered. I reacted the same way to your post so you were obviously VERY unclear about the "background".
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    Hawaii with my best friend =)
    Photobucket
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards