Non-existent Maids!

anidemirjian

Ok, so in my culture (Armenian), we have a tradition where the groom picks his best man and his sig other becomes the MOH (as long as they are in a serious relationship and she's not just the flavor of the month). I am totally ok with this, because I know our best man's fiance and she's pretty alright. However, the problem is that she has been totally non-existent through the whole wedding planning process! She has not been involved, she has not helped out at all, and I feel like I'm always the one initiating her involvement. What's more, they just got engaged recently, and I feel as though they are too caught up with that to even care about ours. Not to add that my other bridesmaids haven't really done anything.

How should I tell the MOH especially to get her act together and help, but being nice about it? They have asked us to be their best man and MOH also.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_non-existent-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7091f46-40cc-471a-adaa-2818ecb51e3fPost:6641a081-127b-41c4-b72a-4a698d29496a">Non-existent Maids!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so in my culture (Armenian), we have a tradition where the groom picks his best man and his sig other becomes the MOH (as long as they are in a serious relationship and she's not just the flavor of the month). I am totally ok with this, because I know our best man's fiance and she's pretty alright. However, the problem is that she has been totally non-existent through the whole wedding planning process! She has not been involved, she has not helped out at all, and I feel like I'm always the one initiating her involvement. What's more, they just got engaged recently, and I feel as though they are too caught up with that to even care about ours. Not to add that my other bridesmaids haven't really done anything. How should I tell the MOH especially to get her act together and help, but being nice about it? They have asked us to be their best man and MOH also.
Posted by anidemirjian[/QUOTE]
Your MOH is under no obligation to assist you with wedding planning.  Of course they're going to be more caught up in their engagement.  You don't care more about their engagement than your own, right?

Hire a planner if you need help.  Your attendants' duties begin and end with the ceremony.  Anything else they do should be because they genuinely want to, not because you've made them feel like they have to.

trix1223

Read what aerin said.  It's good advice.  It's also right.

Your MOH doesn't have to help plan or execute your wedding.  It's not at all her responsibility, and in this case, I'm not surprised that she's not into it. 

She's planning her own wedding.  She's only your MOH because her S/O is the Best Man.  She may not have EVEN wanted to be the MOH but because it's a cultural thing had to agree.

Lower your expectations.  Plan and execute your own wedding.  You'll be happier.

sister2groom

Also, if it bothers you she's not helping with your wedding, don't help with hers. That way you do your stuff for your own wedding, and she does stuff for her own. You can't get mad at her for doing a bad job with things and vise versa.

Summer2011Bride

Agree with PP's. You and your FI are responible for planning your wedding, no one else. If it's too much, hire a wedding coordinator. Do not expect an MOH or any other person in your WP to do this JOB for free. If she offers to come with to an appt. or whatever, fine. But you shouldn't expect it from her.

No one is as excited about your wedding as you are, just as you are not as excited about their wedding as they are. Let them enjoy their engagement and you enjoy yours.

jcamm11

What do you feel she is supposed to be doing?  How is she not helping?

anidemirjian

For clarification, they do not know when they are getting married yet. It is most likely not for another year or more, while mine is right around the corner. Also, she fully agree to be the MOH and was extremely excited about it. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but the MOH is always involved in the wedding planning process. She helps with appointments, helps collect addresses for invites, etc. For us, being th BM and MOH is not just a title, but it's a responsibility.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_non-existent-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7091f46-40cc-471a-adaa-2818ecb51e3fPost:19d4e01f-14ce-4da0-8a36-3041c56445e6">Re: Non-existent Maids!</a>:
[QUOTE]For clarification, they do not know when they are getting married yet. It is most likely not for another year or more, while mine is right around the corner. Also, she fully agree to be the MOH and was extremely excited about it. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but the MOH is always involved in the wedding planning process. She helps with appointments, helps collect addresses for invites, etc. For us, being th BM and MOH is not just a title, but it's a responsibility.
Posted by anidemirjian[/QUOTE]
Is she Armenian?  You shouldn't project that on her if she wasn't raised with those expectations.  And it doesn't matter if yours is first, it's still yours and not hers, she's going to be more excited for her own.  That's how it works.

laurenes

I was going to ask the same question as aerin. Is she Armenian? because if not, she is probably completely clueless. As are your other bridesmaids if they are not Armenian. The American perception of a Bride wanting all of her maids to do significant work for the wedding, particularly work that they had not offered to do first, would be that the Bride was a bridezilla. I'm not trying to insult your culture, I'm just trying to point out that your actions would be interpreted in a completely different way then celebrating a milestone cultural tradition. If they are not Armenian, you probably just need to make sure they buy the dress on time, know when the wedding is, and resign yourself to finishing up wedding preparations on your own/with other female relatives.

If your bridesmaids are all armenian, then it's sad that they are not participating in the cultural tradition with you, but unfortunately you can't force to be excited and productive in regards to your wedding. I'm assuming you're friends with the other BMs, so it probably wouldn't be completely out of line to ask them as your friend if you really needed help with one thing or two, but you're still just going to have to assume the responsibility of the wedding planning yourself. I'm sorry that your experience has not be as traditional as you had hoped for, but I hope you have fun all the same.