Really don't know what to do about this.... (Sorry, long!!)

kenga6972

.

bablingbrooke

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to provide a summary with the essentials because that's one of the longest posts I've ever seen on here and it was a bit hard to follow.

tldh

There is long and then there is novella and then there is the novel you just wrote.  Please post a cliffs notes version of what's going on.

palmettogirl924

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_really-dont-this-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c989ddf6-05cc-4692-b074-c0f10e4528f0Post:b8720a9e-4f5a-444a-a04d-3a93593dabcf">Re: Really don't know what to do about this.... (Sorry, long!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]There is long and then there is novella and then there is the novel you just wrote.  Please post a cliffs notes version of what's going on.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]


Spark Notes:
She and FI got engaged last Feb, wedding is this May. They picked WP right away because they were postive. Since then the girls tell her that she isn't involved in their life and social outtings whatsoever. Poster has tried to make contact with them but they always say they are too busy.

3 girls have the dress and got it discounted, 3 of the girls don't have the dress still. She took them shopping for dresses 3+ months ago.

Now OP is upset because one girl posted on FB that she was excited for her roommates wedding (who is also in OP's wedding) in October. OP is upset that she didn't mention how happy she is for OP when her wedding is in 5 months.

Also, one of her friends is mad at OP for not commenting on her FB status saying that she had a sinus infection.

LD1970

She's got 6 bridesmaids, which she admits she chose way too early.

Three of them seem to be flaking - not on wedding stuff, though they haven't ordered the dresses that the other 3 already ordered & now they're discontinued - but on friend stuff.

They want OP to text and call them and be all concerned about them, but they don't make any reciprocal effort and she's not one to run after friends who don't want to have anything to do with her.  She has no idea what went wrong, has tried to talk to them about it, and gets the answer that it's her problem and she needs to fix it.

Should she ditch them as friends (and by extension, bridesmaids), or continue to try & work things out?

LD1970

Oh, and she'll accept any advice, even if it's criticism.

jagore08

From what you're saying, it sounds like they are just letting your friendship fall to the side, which happens.  I think you should talk to them all individually about your situation with them.  When you talk to one girl, don't bring the other two into the conversation.  Ask them if they still want to be in your wedding because you feel like you're getting mixed signals.  It honestly doesn't sound like they want to be in your wedding, or even friends with you, since they aren't even really talking to you at all anymore.

Bottom line, talk to them and let them make the decision if they'd still like to be in your wedding. 

palmettogirl924

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_really-dont-this-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c989ddf6-05cc-4692-b074-c0f10e4528f0Post:eafd2790-879c-42c8-beb7-08d0d830082d">Really don't know what to do about this.... (Sorry, long!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry girls... I'm new to writing on this board.. so I apologize that this is long and hard to follow.. But I really am lost right now in what to do.... :0(  First off, I understand all of the posts about how bad it is to 'unask' people to be in your wedding... and there's only certain situations that are considered appropriate to do this.  I don't know if I have the 'right' situation or not, but I'm really lost in what to do and am really hurt at how some of my girls have been treating me in the last few months... To start off... I had gotten engaged last Febuary, (yay!) and FI and I had chosen the people we wanted in the wedding pretty quickly because we were so certain that we wanted these people in the wedding because we were so close with them and thought it was the right thing to do... Now I realize it was a really bad idea... :0( Now... things have changed a lot with our friendships between us.. like, we haven't been invited out to hang out with them in the last few months and the girls and I have not really contacted each other much in the last few months either... I have had some 'run in's' with all 3 girls I'm having problems with, and they all have told me that I need to make more of an effort to be around and more interested in what they're doing... meaning they're asking me to text them and say hi and what's up and all this stuff, but they're not doing this with me at all either.. why should I do this if I don't get the same in return??? Until things started changing, I've been the one who's always willing to help them out and be there for them when they need to talk about anything and never have shown any sort of reasons why I'd want to not be friends with them a all... I haven't been overly communicative with them lately because it seemed as though they were all starting to pull away from me for whatever reason,   I have no idea what had brought this behavior on whatsoever, and I've even asked them what's going on. They aren't overly trying to be communicative with  me either... so now I'm feeling like they're asking me to be the bigger person even though they don't seem to care that I'm trying to do what they're asking of me.  One of the girls had gone as far as telling me that I'm rude, uncaring and cold... this stemming from not commenting on a facebook post of hers when she was really sick... allergic reaction... I'm sorry, but I'm not on facebook as much as I used to be, and for her to get that upset at me for not commenting on a post is ridiculous to me!! The way I see it, is if she really wanted me to know about it, she should've called me or texted me or something!! She is the one who I'm having the most problems with.  She has not been cooperative with me in trying to fix this friendship, I've given her a lot of chances to meet up and discuss whats going on, but she has this attitude like 'this is your problem, and you need to get over it"... As far as I'm concerned, I did not start any of this stuff between us. I'm only going by the way I see things playing out.  I have the mantality of if you don't want to talk to me, then that's fine... I'm not going to chase after someone who obviously doesn't want to talk to me.   It seems like the 3 of them have chosen to kind of freeze me out and not explain why or what their true reasoning is behind this behavior.  I have been going back and forth with trying to decide on what to do to handle this in the most mature and fair way, but I'm having a really hard time with what to say and how to go about finding out what is really going on... I've tried to be more active with them and try to invite them out to do things, and they either say they're too busy, or when we do hang out, they don't really seem that interested in being with me. Also- with the wedding talk.. I am not talking too much about the wedding to them, I only talk about it when people ask me, because I don't want to bore others with this stuff if they aren't that interested in it.  So I don't consider my wedding a huge factor of why they're treating me this way.  I really try not to be obsessed about the wedding just so I don't upset anyone and have them not want to even talk to me.  One of the newest things I'm dealing with is today, I saw a facebook post from my MOH about how she's excited for this coming year and how excited she is for her roommates wedding in October... this same roommate is also in my wedding this May... my wedding is in about 4 and a half months, right? And she didn't even mention it in her post, now I know I shouldnt be going by a stupid fb post, but at the same time, with everything thats been going on between the 3 of these girls and I, I feel like she could really care less about me or my friendship, let alone the wedding... my thought process is- if you really cared about someone, you wouldn't purposely say something like that, that I would see.. right?? This is also the same girl that when we were really having some major friendship issues, (she almost took me out of her wedding last october because one of our mutual friends who is now my coordinator and helping me with the planning.. she thought she was taking over the MOH responsibilities and got really jealous and never told me she was upset about this until I questioned her about it) But with FB, she was making really rude and hurtful comments directed towards me and never once apologized for it...I really don't think she deserves to be the MOH if she's going to be jealous of another friendship I have with someone else, who's helping me plan my wedding... or someone who can be that mean and hurtful and not apologize for it... she's my coordinator.. she's not in the WP! She is not taking over any MOH responsibilites, and ever since then, she hasn't really been the same with me.  I'm sure you're all confused by now.. but I've been so confused myself and really don't know how else to handle this situation.. the 3 girls and I are also involved in our local fire department auxiliary and we see each other at least once a month.  in the last few months, they haven't been sitting with me or really even talking to me.. I'm cordial with them and say Hi and how are you doing... but they dont really seem interested in being friends anymore.  My main question is... should I keep trying to fix these friendships or should I just tell them that I've had enough of these childish behaviors I'm getting from them all and ask what they want from me and see if they're still interested in being my friend and in my wedding?? I'm getting really concerned now because these 3 girls have not gotten their dresses yet even though I had taken them shopping 3+ months ago, and because they waited so long, they lost out on this dress.. it was discontinued.. now I have 3 girls with this dress and 3 girls without... I have a total of 6 girls in my WP... so if they don't want to be involved in my life, that's fine with me, I would consider myself better off without them if this is all I'm going to be expecting from a friendship with them... but if they want to be in my wedding, shouldnt they want to at least try to make an effort to be my friend if nothing else?? I'm so lost.. I feel like I've lost 3 friends at this point and dont know how to get them back or if I even want them back at this point, because I'm so hurt by their actions! Please help!! I need any advice any of you are willing to give.. whether its to yell at me for being mean or understanding where I'm coming from.... Thanks!      
Posted by kenga6972[/QUOTE]


Now that I Spark Noted this for everyone, I'd like to say to you OP that this is why it is highly discouraged to pick the WP that far in advance. Friendships change.

I wouldn't take the girls out of the wedding. That would be a lame move on your part. Maybe you guys should scale this friendship back to phone calls and lunch every once in a while. I have a friend just like yours, and we really only talk on the phone and maybe go out together once or twice a month. But, I had really good times in the past with her and I can still talk to her about anything- and if I ever really needed her to be there for me she would.

People grow up and people change. But what I'm trying to say is, with my friend, I'd never NOT put her in my wedding. Even though we don't see each other as much as we did in high school she is still very important to me and she's happy that I am getting married.

I haven't asked her to do ridiculous things (nor would I ever ask) and I don't expect her to do much more than go buy her dress. But point is: I want her there and either way (spending lots of time together or not) she's happy for me.

Unless your friends are truly unhappy for you and hate the idea of you and FI, if these girls mean anything to you, they should be in your WP.

The Facebook things- I'm not even going to comment on. Because I think it's incredibly childish. I would ignore that all together.

Overall, the most you can do is put in effort. If they let the friendship fall to the side, then so be it. At least you'll know that you did what you could! Best of luck.

vicki0508

Your friends just aren't that into you.  You can't make them be your friends, and it sounds like they don't want to be close anymore. 

I also can't tell how much you have tried to stay in touch with them.  It sounds like you want them to try harder, but they want you to try harder first, so it's almost a stalemate. 

Just out of curiosity, how old are you and your BMs?  It all sounds very juvenile, to be honest.  "They aren't sitting with me at meetings" and "Her FB status didn't mention me!" is ridiculous.  She's jealous of you for something, you're jealous she didn't talk about your wedding on FB.  Don't get so wrapped up in the petty nonsense. 

Assuming you have asked their budgets - pick a BM dress for them.  Or tell them the length and color and let them choose themselves.  If they show up inappropriately dressed, then they aren't going to be in the WP.

But don't go around demoting your MOH or kicking the other girls out.  It will certainly end any relationship that may be salvageable.

bablingbrooke

If the CN are accurate:

Half the things you're upset about are petty, and the other half are childish. 

If your friendships are falling by the wayside, try to fix them, leaving the wedding completely out of it.  When you have friendships with half your WP falling by the wayside, you need to look at yourself and your behaviour.  There's no way around that.

tldh

Thanks Palmettogirl and LD (havne't seen you aroung lately)

OP - are the friendships worth saving?  That's really the only question that should be answered and it can only be answered by you.  As for the facebook comments, this is just too immature and ridiculous to even consider when making your decisions.  Please be a bigger person and ignore them.

I have friends who I see maybe once a year and if we talk it's through e.mail.  They are still some of my closest friends.  I also had one friend who was like a second sister to me who decided she didn't want to have anything to do with me after i got back with an old boyfriend (who later became DH).  I tried to get our friendship back and did not succeed.  Know what?  I realized just how toxic she was to my life in general and can honestly say good riddance.

I give these examples only to emphasize that this is your decision only.  When you do talk to them though, leave out any and all wedding chat.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_really-dont-this-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c989ddf6-05cc-4692-b074-c0f10e4528f0Post:a7790f7a-f9b1-4316-adea-0722571279df">Re: Really don't know what to do about this.... (Sorry, long!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Really don't know what to do about this.... (Sorry, long!!) : Spark Notes: She and FI got engaged last Feb, wedding is this May. They picked WP right away because they were postive. Since then the girls tell her that she isn't involved in their life and social outtings whatsoever. Poster has tried to make contact with them but they always say they are too busy. 3 girls have the dress and got it discounted, 3 of the girls don't have the dress still. She took them shopping for dresses 3+ months ago. Now OP is upset because one girl posted on FB that she was excited for her roommates wedding (who is also in OP's wedding) in October. OP is upset that she didn't mention how happy she is for OP when her wedding is in 5 months. Also, one of her friends is mad at OP for not commenting on her FB status saying that she had a sinus infection.
Posted by palmettogirl924[/QUOTE]
Thank you!

mkrupar

I gave this gold star to someone earlier this week for having the longest post in TK history, I think, OP, you have far surpassed it.

Thanks for the cliff notes PPs. If the friendships are ending, and none of you want them to continue, the wedding part of it will work it's way out. I agree with Jagore that it may be time to have a one on one with each girl you are having problems with. I wouldn't ask them if they still want to be in the wedding, but I would have a serious conversation regarding the friendship and where it's headed. IF the friendship is worth it to both of you to continue it, then you both need to work harder on it.

Getting upset because she didn't say she was excited about your wedding in May is petty. Maybe she just found out about her friend's wedding in October. Just because yours comes first doesn't mean it'll be on the forefront of everyone's minds.

kenga6972

Thank you all for your posts! Again I am sorry for the long story... I didnt really know how else to explain my situation in a shorter 'cliff notes' version...

I agree that the facebook stuff is very petty, and the only reason I put that in was to show how childish and stupid this one girl can be.  I, in no way am making facebook a reason to end a friendship or something to get bent out of shape over.  I feel like I'm stuck in high school with these girls!

To answer an earlier question about our ages.. I'm 30 and these other grils are 26,29 and 33... all different ages, but seems as though they're all the same maturity level. 

I don't know if these friendships are worth saving because this behavior has been going on for a while now and because I've made every effort to contact them and stay in contact with them, it seems as though they just dont really care about me or my friendship.. I've tried to leave my wedding completely out of any and all discussions with them when I do get to talk to them, but at this point, its getting close to the time where I need to know if they're going to be in my wedding or not... which means I need to know if they're going to be my friend first and formost, correct??

And when I make the effort to contact them and be the friend I always have been to them, I never see the same in return from them... it seems as though I'm bothering them more than them being happy to hear from me.. Does that make sense?

As I previously said... I am trying to take the most mature direction with this situation, and I wanted to get others advice in what the right thing to do is... I would hate to be the person who takes people out of her wedding because friendships have changed, but whats the point of having people in my wedding if I'm not that close with them and they dont seem the least bit happy for me???

Again I'm sorry for being long winded... :0( And thank you to all who have taken the time to read my novel and commenting.. I'll be sure to make them shorter from now on. 

bablingbrooke

There's a big difference between someone asking you about your wedding now and someone not showing up to it.  For everyone not you, the two things are completely unrelated.  I'm in my BFF's wedding next year and while I'm absolutely thrilled for her, I rarely bring up the wedding.  Neither does she.  It doesn't mean I won't be there with bells on, or that I'm not thrilled for her.  I absolutely am--she kissed a lot of frogs and I love her FI and I'm thrilled they're getting married.  But that doesn't necessarily translate to me asking her about her wedding every time we speak.  People show their excitement in different ways.  And it's about timing, too: people are really, vocally excited for you right when you announce you're engaged and right before/during/after the wedding.  During the gap between them, people aren't going to be thinking about it that often.

Like I and others said, have a talk with them.  Be frank if you want: "I've noticed we've been drifting apart, and I think we need to talk about what's going on because I miss you and I miss our friendship."

kenga6972

Right, I completely agree!! Thank you for saying that.. I've tried and tried to get them to talk to me, and I've asked my one friend about her wedding in October... and while she tells me some stuff about it, she never askes me about mine.  this, to me, is something that hurts because if she really cared about me and my friendship, wouldnt she at least ask me how my plans are going??

And for PP's, I really wish I wasn't having these issues right now.. Im not even excited for my own wedding because I thought things were going to be so much different than they are right now.  I wish I could forget about all of this drama and move on to being concerned with my planning and not with these immature brats who I have in the wedding.  I have not been talking about the wedding at all with these girls and have been trying to fix our friendship for months and its still not any better  

Is that a sure sign I should try to talk to them again and tell them I dont think this is going to work for us being friends or wait to see if they come to me about the dresses they need to get?? Before now, I was mostly cconcerned with the friendships, but now, Im getting scared that I'm going to run out of time for them to get a dress... and if they back out on me, I'll have to make a decision on if I want to add others in or leave the other 3 as my only 3 even though my FI still has his 6...

*UGH* Please help me! I'm so sad that this is such a stupid, petty, immature issue...

kenga6972

Again, I'm sorry for the long post.... I guess I shouldve just said... I'm having issues with 3 of my 6 BMs.. not wedding related but friendship related... and its gone on for months... what would you do..... .:(

I'm sorry to inconvience everyone with such a lengthy post...

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_really-dont-this-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c989ddf6-05cc-4692-b074-c0f10e4528f0Post:209bd438-f95d-436c-a4d4-b3cd8f4458f7">Re: Really don't know what to do about this.... (Sorry, long!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Again, I'm sorry for the long post.... I guess I shouldve just said... I'm having issues with 3 of my 6 BMs.. not wedding related but friendship related... and its gone on for months... what would you do..... .:( I'm sorry to inconvience everyone with such a lengthy post... :(
Posted by kenga6972[/QUOTE]

live and learn....it happens.

kenga6972

thanks tldh....

I promise from now on... i'll keep it short and sweet!! LOL

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_really-dont-this-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c989ddf6-05cc-4692-b074-c0f10e4528f0Post:ee4a00cf-c918-473d-afc1-ad1f3f5ce36c">Re: Really don't know what to do about this.... (Sorry, long!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Right, I completely agree!! Thank you for saying that.. I've tried and tried to get them to talk to me, and I've asked my one friend about her wedding in October... and while she tells me some stuff about it, she never askes me about mine.  this, to me, is something that hurts because if she really cared about me and my friendship, wouldnt she at least ask me how my plans are going?? And for PP's, I really wish I wasn't having these issues right now.. Im not even excited for my own wedding because I thought things were going to be so much different than they are right now.  I wish I could forget about all of this drama and move on to being concerned with my planning and not <strong>with these immature brats who I have in the wedding</strong>.  I have not been talking about the wedding at all with these girls and have been trying to fix our friendship for months and its still not any better :(  Is that a sure sign I should try to talk to them again and tell them I dont think this is going to work for us being friends or wait to see if they come to me about the dresses they need to get?? <strong>Before now, I was mostly cconcerned with the friendships, but now, Im getting scared that I'm going to run out of time for them to get a dress</strong>... <strong>and if they back out on me, I'll have to make a decision on if I want to add others in or leave the other 3 as my only 3 even though my FI still has his 6.</strong>.. *UGH* Please help me! :( I'm so sad that this is such a stupid, petty, immature issue...
Posted by kenga6972[/QUOTE]
1.  It doesn't really sound like you even want to be friends with them.  I don't go around calling my friends mean names like that.

2.  I said this before - but pick a dress (within their budget, which I'm sure you've asked them about) tell them when they need to order the dress by and leave it at that.  If they don't order it on time, then they've removed themselves from the WP.  Alternatively, tell them the color and length and let them pick any dress.  Then they can get something off the rack on their own time.

3.  If the 3 girls back out, don't replace them.  It will be painfully obvious to the replacement 3 that they are replacements because they are being asked with rather short notice.  Nobody wants to be a place filler.  If they weren't important enough for you to ask in the first place, don't ask them now.  WP sides don't have to be even, your FI can have 6 and you can have 3 and none of your guests will care.

4.  Aren't you in one of the girl's wedding?  If she steps down will you step down?  I would imagine yes.  Are you ok with being in her October wedding regardless of if she's in yours?

5.  If you ask them to not be BMs you are effectively ending the friendships.  That choice is yours.

Edited for spelling.

bablingbrooke

As bad as this is going to sound, I want you to just hear me out. 

Is it possible you've done something to drive them away?  One BM, it could be either person's fault.  Two, maybe.  But three, half the WP?  Really look at yourself.  IMHO it's very unlikely they all got together and decided to ostracize you out of spite.

Just to throw some things out that might or might not explain this (and tell me if I'm wrong, I don't know so I'm asking): Is it possible you talked about the wedding more than you realized and everyone got sick of it?  Is it possible one of them went through something major that you were oblivious to, and the other two are sort of "siding" with her out of solidarity?  Did your FI ever say or do anything to them?  Were the friendships already on the rocks when you asked them and now this is the nail in the coffin?

kenga6972

ok, well as for the dresses... I've already asked about 3 times when they can go shopping with me for another dress... and none of them have come to me and told me a definite date.  I dont feel comfortable having to constantly keep asking them to give me a date, because I dont want to be a nag... this is why its gotten to a point where it's getting almost too late to get a dress... or am I wrong?? I was told that some dresses can take up to 3 months to come in, and then they have to be altered... that doesnt leave much time for these girls to get a dress.. right?? OH... and I've already tried that whole thing with letting them pay for it on their own time and they lost out of the first dress... this is why I'm getting scared that they wont get the dress at all or on time...

And as for 'replacing' the 3... like you said it would look like I was just replacing them so I'd have an even number... that's really the point why I'd want to do that.. the other 3 girls that I'd add in would be girls who I've really gotten close with in the last year and really honestly wanted in the wedding... and since we had already had our WP I havent done anything about it.. I would honestly be happy with these 'new' girls if it comes down to it... but if I can fix these friendships, I'd love to keep it the way it is right now.. but I just feel like things are going to cahnge and I have to be prepared for the worst.

as for the friends wedding in october... no one but her sisters are in the wedding.. she chose to keep it within family members... good choice IMO... so I'm not involved in her wedding, Im just trying to be a friend and show interest in her big day like I'd want my friends to be with me.  I understand no one is concerned with my big day like I am and not going to be thinking abou it like I am.. but if youre involved in a wedding, I'd think they'd want to know any new developements that come along, especially since they have yet to get a dress... you know?

bablingbrooke

Even numbers aren't worth it.  They really aren't.  You said you would only have these other three girls in the wedding to have an even number.  I think if you wanted them in the wedding because you've gotten close and want to honor them, go for it, but if you're just doing it to have an even number of warm bodies on either side, it's a mistake.  If you want the other three girls, ask them now regardless of how things work out with the other three.  DH and I had uneven sides, many of the people who replied to you here had or are having uneven sides.  It's not a concern that's worth basing your decision on.

As for the dresses, it takes less than a week to get a BM dress altered (which is when, really, your BMs will take it to get altered anyway--the week or so before the wedding), and 3 months is a really long time for dresses to come in.  Ask around on your local if that's really how long it takes at that shop; DB, for example, is well-known for telling brides 4+ months when they almost always arrive in less than 6 weeks.  You have 5 months...many people only just now start looking for dresses.  Plus you need to ask yourself what is more important to you: matching dresses (which will look different on different people anyway) or coordinating-but-not-identical dresses with your friends in them.  I would pick the latter, but I can't make the decision for you.  Look at the bios of aerin, stina, and mbc on the WP board and you'll see how lovely it can look.

kenga6972

Brook- it doesnt sound bad at all.. its a valid question....

I have thought about this question to death, and am wondering if I honestly did something to make them all treat me like I'm the plague!! I can honestly say I can't think of a single thing that I've done to make them all be this way with me.  The one girl that I've had a most trouble with has a very big 'pull' on everyone she comes into contact with and is very stubborn and will make it impossible to have your own opinion or think for yourself... I've realized this after I had asked her to be a BM... even so, i've accepted her personality and have done everything in my power not to upset her and not to cross her so there's no trouble.  In recent months, she's been very opinionated about my wedding saying things like she has to change her hair color for the wedding since I want red dresses (her hair is dyed a dark red, almost purple color) she's also said she wont cooperate with me when I want to have a friend of mine do our hair the day of to save everyone money, she'd rather go to her own stylist.. these are all fine with me.. I have accepted that she doesnt want to participate in the hair thing and I can't force her to do anything, she's been kind of negative about my wedding from the start actually... but still says she wants in... doesnt really make sense to me... well until recently anyways... she hasnt been talking to me and is the one whos said that I'n the one with the problem and I need to get over it....

As for the wedding talk... I've really kept my wedding talk under strict control so as to not over do it and talk about it too much... I've left it to whoever wants to know about it, will most likely ask me about it... I used to get tired of hearing about my friends talk constantly about their wedding especially if I wasnt involved in it. So I know what it feels like to have to listen to 24/7 wedding talk... so I've taken into account everyones sanity and not made everything about me and my wedding...

kenga6972

right,  I totally agree!  I guess you're right with the numbers of WP .... I'll cross that bridge if it happens... 

and for the dresses, I was thinking that since half of the girls have one dress, I was going to see if there's another similar dress to compliment the first one.. there's a few dresses from DB that wouldn't look that bad with it... I'm perfectly fine with having 2 different dresses for my BM's... thats not my biggest issue... I think I'm more worried about the fact that these girls are not being very cooperative with me and not telling me why ... does that make sense? I'm kind of in the dark and am trying to find out what the main problem is and no one is giving me answers... if they would just tell me what the issue was that they have with me, I'd be more than willing to try to work it out with them.. but they have since returned my calls/texts... so where does that leave me? You know?

vicki0508

I think it leaves you with 3 fewer friends.  The more you talk about your relationships, the more it seems like you've tried and tried and tried to maintain the friendships, but they haven't.  Like I said before, you can't make them like you again.  If none of them are willing to talk to you about it, well then you are stuck.  If they want to be jerks about it, let them be jerks.

If you can't coordinate a date to pick dresses, pick one yourself, email the link to them, and tell them when it needs to be ordered.  Done and done. 

I really think you're making it all a lot harder than it needs to be.

Also - I can't tell which is more important to you, having them in the WP or having them as friends.  Of course, you'll respond that the friendship is the most important, but you are awfully concerned about matching dresses for the friendship to be at the forefront.

bablingbrooke

Why do you still want to be friends with these people?  It sounds like they've been pretty cold to you despite attempts to revive it.  There comes a point where you need to ask yourself, "Why do I still want these people in my life?"  If you find that all you have in common anymore is the past, I would take it as a sign that it's run its course.  

Don't boot them, but also be prepared for them to either 1) drop out, or 2) be in the wedding but then not keep in touch much afterward.  Option 2 isn't as bad as it might sound; I barely speak anymore to a girl whose wedding I was in, and not due to any bad blood, we just grew apart.  Ever so often we'll FB, but that's it.  I don't regret being in her wedding, and I know she doesn't regret me being in hers.  We can both look back and remember that the wedding was fun and our friendship was special, but not all friendships are meant to last forever.

kenga6972

I totally agree with everything you've been saying about these girls.  I've been asking myself why I'm still friends with them for a while now and it's really sad that it's come to this.  I really would rather stay friends with them but for some reason it seems as though they don't feel the same way.. Again, I know I should talk to them, and I will be open to talk to them, if they were willing to talk to me, but right now, it seems as though they dont.

For the dresses, I think I will do that, and pick a dress and tell them it needs to be ordered on a certain date and then ask them to let me know when it's ordered.  If I don't hear from them I'll assume they backed out and then I'll ask them to confirm that.  At that point, I'll be fine with their decision and will be understanding about it.. although it hurts to hear that someone doesnt want to be friends anymore.. I am honestly more concerned with being friends with them more than what's going to happen with my wedding.. But the way I'm looking at it is- if I could get a straight answer from them whether they want to work on a friendship, will make it a heck of a lot easier to work with them for a dress. I know I have plenty of time, according to PP... You're right about DB- the other 3 girls got their dresses with about 6 weeks even though they gave us a date of about 3 months... I hate how they do that!! SO misleading! LOL well you've definitely given me a lot perspective and I'm finally seeing light at the end of this tunnel!! Thank you!! I'm going to do what you suggested and email them a link and picture of the dress I'd like them to get and see what happens from there... I'm also going to leave the numbers the way they are and only add in one of my most dearest friends who I've made a reader instead of a BM because I wasn't sure how she'd feel as a BM at first.. she's said in the last few weeks how much she's enjoying hearing about my wedding and will be there for whatever I need... for her to say that, that shows me she's really serious about this and I'd much rather have her in the WP instead of just a reader... I guess I was more concerned with numbers than I had realized!

I really am glad that I've reached out to you and have been able to get some other perspective on this issue... I needed an outsiders opinion to get me to think in a different way to see if I'm overthiniking this whole thing, (which I know I am...I tend to over analyze things to death... this, I guess is no exception, unfortunately)

 

seasidebride24

OP, these are the longest posts I've ever seen! And I lurked on TK boards for awhile before I got engaged and signed up!  I think you've got a lot of great advice here, but I feel like I should point out that you have already given these girls the opportunity to purchase the dress and they didn't.  To me, this would mean that they have already stepped down even if you are still willing to work with them on finding another dress.  I know you plan on giving them another option, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if they let the other dress slip by too. 
When/if you talk to each them about the friendship, leave the wedding stuff out of the discussion.  If they say they still want to be friends and you've had an honest heart to heart then there's no need to discuss wedding issues other than giving them the dress info.  IMO you should talk to them individually before any dress stuff is brought up because you only risk alienating them further if you just send the info along. 
The words you have used to talk about these women is pretty harsh and unfriendly.  I hope you don't share those opinions with people who know them or that might just be why they aren't talking to you.  Good Luck!

vicki0508

OP - it's pointless to delete your original post, because you were quoted.

jensmith76

OP...you were talking about how two of these girls are brides, can they see this? Do they have a knottie account? What happens if they read this and see what you said about them? You were talking about one of your BM putting stuff on FB but then you put mean things on here?  Watch what you say because it may come back to haunt you. 

Also it starts with you.  If you do not confront them then you alone are to blame. Do the best you can and then that way you know you did everything you could and they are to blame. 

Keep us updated!


and yeah why did you delete the first post?