Will Never make my FMIL happy

kgrollmus

I have come to the conclusion that I will never make this woman happy. 

My family is very etiquette oritented and traditional, and well, she is not.  She got very upset over the wording of our invitations.  When the invitation order was placed we followed the template that the company provided for us.  She and her husband are not hosting the wedding or helping plan or pay for it, so they were not listed as hosts.  Apparently that was unacceptable.

Her daughter got married in July (we are getting married in Sept.).  I understand that the weddings are close and that is a lot to take on at once (if we would have gotten what we originally planned before we realized when their wedding was we would have been married in July too) but she has not had to do a thing for our wedding except show up.  She has gone back and forth countless times on how much she wants to be involved in planning the RH, she finally made a decision on that, which is fine, so she did spend a little time booking that venue, but that is pretty easy in the big scheme of things. 

Back to the point...her daughter got married in their barn.  This was not for financial reasons but because it is what they wanted.  It is not my cup of tea (kind of my worst nightmear) but if it made them happy that is what matters.  I never said a word about not liking the decorations or plans or anyting, I went along with it and helped them set things up and clean up, etc. 

We are having a formal wedding.  Guys will wear tuxes and we are having floral table center pieces (as opposed to glass jars filled with colored fish tank rocks) etc.  Any time she talks about our wedding with people she tells them "yeah, we planned the big redneck wedding and they are having the fancy-schmantzy wedding".  Its like she is trying to make me feel bad for having a fancy wedding.  When she met my mother for the very first time (when I was trying on wedding dresses, when she invited herself), she introduced herself, then immediately after she said that she would never spend this much money on a wedding.  I am an only child and my parents have been saving for this since I was born.  They are in no way going into debt over this and are so excited to be a part of our big day.  Who says that??

So last night I am working on our programs.  My FI said that now his parents are going to be pissed about how the family members who have passed away are listed.  I have my family first (one grandmother and an uncle) and then both sets of his grandparents.  The brides family traditionally is listed first.  Now they are going to be mad because an uncle is listed above his grandparents.  I was not about to start listing people in order of "importance".

I will never do anything good enough for them.  ugh.  This is just the tip of the ice burg.

skippylouwho

I'm pretty sure I know your MIL.  reading it again, I KNOW I know your MIL. I work with her.  I'll PM you.

AutumnFair

Out of curiosity, is his parents hosting the RD? Because when invitation go out for that, then they would be listed as the host.

As for the wedding invitations, were they listed at all? Some people list the parents after the couple's names such as "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith would like to invite you to the wedding of their daughter Jane Smith to John Doe Jr. son of Mr. and Mrs. John Doe Sr". Something simple as the recognition of your FI parents might have cleared that issue.

Sounds like you get to master the "ignore" and "bean dip"  technique that many Brides out there have to learn when it comes to negative FMILs. She just sounds jealous and the best way to deal with her comments like that is to ignore/brush them off and change the subject to something else. Personally, its none of her business how much your parents are going to pay, if they saved a certain amount for you then spend it how you please. I think weddings do get a little out of hand (sometimes I get pretty sick when watching Platinum Weddings), but hey, if they can afford to have a big wedding then go for it. 

As for the programs, can't your grandmother be listed on one side (then your uncle under that) and his grandparents on the other so that its equal? This is a fairly obscure detail that shouldn't be causing such a headache. 

Basically, FYI if any big issues come up it should go through your FI in which he needs to address his parents. But for little things like this you just have to ignore or brush the comment and change the subject to something else. 

Muffin'sMom

She may just feel like the wedding she helped plan won't look at "cool" as yours.  Just let it go, do what you are doing, no need to apologize, and have a wonderful day.

skippylouwho

Exactly  as PPs have said - have a wonderful day. I have no doubt it's going to be beautiful.

amandaisengaged

weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people and sometimes the best too!  She does sound jealous. Maybe try taking her to lunch to try and bond a little, just you and her.

LisaLPharmD

What a nightmare! I'm sorry this is happening to you.

goetzr19

I agree with pp's.  Do what makes you happy and let her stew in her own anger.  She needs to deal with the fact that you have different wedding desires than her daughter.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope things work out for you!

bfuller1085

Absolutely agree with pp. My FMIL threw a fit b/c I am using my FSILs centerpieces (just the vase, theyll be decorated totally diff) but she says 'I dont care about price, Im buying you new ones. Theres no way my son will have left overs from his SBs wedding" Yeah ok. Im still using the ones I want b/c its my day, my choice. So just enjoy your day and let her have her pity party but pay no attention to it

BetsyMore

In addition to the PP's excellent points, I would ask, where's her son in all this?  He needs to tell his mom that she is making you feel terrible and that she needs to cut out the bitchy comments (not, one hopes, in these exact words). He should be your biggest advocate with his family.

ks3pink

Your FMIL sounds like mine.  You just can't make some people happy no matter what.  Mine is having a hard time with her son leaving home and getting married and I am trying to be understanding of that but she still hasn't even bought a dress and our wedding is three weeks away.  That said, some people just want to be hard to get along with and you just have to tell your fiance how you feel so he will know why you don't care to deal with his mother.

topcatiom

i'm glad my FI only has a brother, FMIL didnt like his wedding and has not said much about mine other than implying that getting maried where we are is where 'everyone' gets maried, I try to ignore it

vlizz

just remember that when it comes down to it, your wedding is about you and the man you love. no one else.. best of luck 

mrsjustinm2b

gah...we are having the opposite problem,...my FSIL had the big fancy wedding and all but my and FI want a more rustic type b&b wedding and FMIL is NOT happy and likes to poo poo all my ideas and one up everyone I have. Ive just stopped talking to her about the wedding planning...if she calls she can talk to FI about the wedding but ive told him not to give me the phone...i really dont want to hear it...lol

iver4156

I'm pretty laid back about all my planning, so it totally stresses me out when my FMIL keeps asking me all these questions about the caterer, cake, flowers, etc. It's hard enough trying to plan a wedding almost 300 miles from me but I honestly just want to tell her, "If I want to tell you the latest about the wedding planning, I will!" I mean, she's super nice but she's trying WAY too hard to try and involve herself. It probably doesn't help that we only live 20mins from FI's parents but she ALWAYS calls to invite us over/go out to dinner. I've had to lie a couple times and say that I wasn't feeling well because I just DON'T want to spend so much time with them. She makes Martha Stewart look like a slob so I always feel like I'll never measure up to her and she spoiled my FI so he kind of expects me to act the same way. Freakin a', family is so stressful!

Laura3086

I am sort of going through the same thing too  So you are not alone in this!  Bottom line is that it is you, your fiance and your parents business on what you spend for the wedding.  They are paying for it, so she should have no qualms about it.  If she does give you a hard time, or suggest something you don't care for at all, just simply say, " Thank you for the advice/idea, but I think I'm looking to go in another direction"  If she continues to put down your ideas then try the "bean dip" technique.  That will stop her in her tracks from continuing on her ranting.

peoniesandpixels

OMG. This sounds EXACTLY like my FMIL. She said the food that is going to be served is "fancy schmancy" and asked where the chili and hamburgers were. My family isn't stuck up at all, I'm sorry I never dreamed of having a cookout for my reception...