I think my sister is trying to distroy my wedding!!!

LOUANNW12

I need an unbiased opinion on this, please.  I come from a big Italian family and I am having a very large Italian wedding.  A little back story, my sis got married 15 yrs ago when I was 17 and just starting to develop symptoms from a horrible chronic illness that still haunts me today.

My sis feels that I ruined her wedding so long ago bc I was not involved in the planning and I did not throw a shower or bacholorette party, please keep in mind I was 17, had no income and at the time thought I had a terminal illness.  My father had to call the night club where her party was so I could go.

Anyhow, fast forward 15 yrs, I am getting married and everytime I ask her to do something with the wedding, although she is my MOH, her first reponse is "why you did nothing for me?"  She says it is a joke but I dont find it funny, then yesterday she informed me that she spoke with my caterer to tell him that her friends were vegan and must have a special meal!!!

Maybe it is just me but I am not worried about 2 peoples like when I am serving dinner for 600!!  Then she threated that they may not come, they are her friends why do I care?  When the subject of a shower came up, she said she did not want to plan anything with my MIL or SIL!

What do I do? Do I let it go, or metion that it is not about her and her friends...she should be happy for me and supportive.  I really feel she will cause a huge problem just to get me back for not doing all she felt i should for her wedding!!

Please help

PetalPockets2012

Let it go. Even though she is your sister, she does not have to help you plan or help throw you a shower. All she has to do is get her dress and show up. No one is obligated to help you plan your wedding. The only person who needs to be a part of planning and helping is your FI.

If there are people with specific dietary needs on your guest list, as a host you should do your best to accommodate them. People have different lifestyles or allergies that require them to have a different meal.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_think-sister-trying-distroy-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c99f949f-edcd-4e75-903b-576080b37d6ePost:b4feed33-d381-4fef-8443-ca3636d7ae49">I think my sister is trying to distroy my wedding!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I need an unbiased opinion on this, please.  I come from a big Italian family and I am having a very large Italian wedding.  A little back story, my sis got married 15 yrs ago when I was 17 and just starting to develop symptoms from a horrible chronic illness that still haunts me today. My sis feels that I ruined her wedding so long ago bc I was not involved in the planning and I did not throw a shower or bacholorette party, please keep in mind I was 17, had no income and at the time thought I had a terminal illness.  My father had to call the night club where her party was so I could go. Anyhow, fast forward 15 yrs, I am getting married and everytime I ask her to do something with the wedding, although she is my MOH, her first reponse is "why you did nothing for me?"  She says it is a joke but I dont find it funny, then yesterday she informed me that she spoke with my caterer to tell him that her friends were vegan and must have a special meal!!! Maybe it is just me but I am not worried about 2 peoples like when I am serving dinner for 600!!  Then she threated that they may not come, they are her friends why do I care?  When the subject of a shower came up, she said she did not want to plan anything with my MIL or SIL! What do I do? Do I let it go, or metion that it is not about her and her friends...she should be happy for me and supportive.  I really feel she will cause a huge problem just to get me back for not doing all she felt i should for her wedding!! Please help
Posted by LOUANNW12[/QUOTE]

Is she your MOH because she's your nearest and dearest, or is she your MOH because she's your sister and you think that because she's your sister she needs to be your MOH? How do you two get along outside of the wedding world?

tpender13

Nobody is required to help you do anything for your wedding, except your FI. Nobody else is going to be as excited about your wedding as you. Probably not even your FI. Yeah, maybe your sister was misguided in thinking that you should have helped with her wedding and she's still upset about it, but let it go. If you can just accept that she is the way she is, you'll probably be happier in the long run.

strlzfan11

First of all, your sister's only real responsibilities are to purchase the required attire, show up on time, and maybe sign the marriage license (if your state requires that).  Anything above and beyond that is optional and should be offered on her end, not required by you. 

Now if she asked if she could help with something and she gave you attitude when you did ask, well then now she's in the wrong.  She's also being petty for holding onto something for 15 years that in the grand scheme of things doesn't change the outcome of her wedding day (she still ended up as someone's wife at the end of the day, right?).

Truthfully, I would stop talking to her about the wedding plans. 

She is right about one thing, though.  You should try accommodate your guests' dietary restrictions.  Your caterer should be able and willing to accommodate any vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, etc diets.  You'd be surprised at how many people on your guest list have some type of restriction.

LOUANNW12

She is my MOH bc she is my sister, there was no getting around it, and wewe do not get along outside of the wedding although we are together alot as my family is very involved in eachothers lives lol...SO I am hearing got over it, my mom told me to get ovet it but she says the same thing but she does that all the time so she can smooth things over so just checking.

MairePoppy

Your MOH is not obligated to help with the wedding planning or the shower. So you shouldn't do anything.

Since your sister is making mean remarks to you about the wedding planning, you should not discuss it with her at all. Call your caterer and other vendors to let them know that you and whoever is paying for this giant wedding are the only ones authorized to order things or make changes.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]yesterday she informed me that she spoke with my caterer to tell him that her friends were vegan and must have a special meal!!! [/QUOTE]

Although her reasoning is petty, she's not required to help, nor is any BM.  Give her the dress info, and go elsewhere for your emotional support.  Bummer, yes, but far less hassle than trying to wring blood from a stone.<div>
<div>You should make reasonable efforts to accomodate dietary restrictions (which does not always mean a custom gourmet meal for each preference, but should mean no one goes hungry.)  That said, she was out of line to go behind your back and call.  Talk to your vendors, and make sure they all know who is authorized to make changes, and who is not.</div></div>

Maggie0829

She does not have to help you with your wedding planning...so stop asking her.

As for the two guests with dietary restrictions...as a host you should do what you can to accomodate their food needs...so yes, even though it is only 2 people out of 600 you should care a little.

I doubt your sister is trying to destroy your wedding...and since you mentioned that you two don't get along very well I don't see why that would change since you are getting married.  Just continue with your planning and stop discussing things with her, thus cutting out the stress you get from her  "joking" comments.

Stina51286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_think-sister-trying-distroy-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c99f949f-edcd-4e75-903b-576080b37d6ePost:8b6b86f9-918e-4711-a336-16a6b42875a7">Re: I think my sister is trying to distroy my wedding!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Her antics involving two people, while inappropriate, hardly equate to destroying your wedding.  <strong>Why are you even inviting her friends to your wedding?</strong>  And hopefully your caterer, as a professional, told your sister that only the people who signed the contract are authorized to make decisions regarding the services that will be provided.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

This! Are they also your friends? If not, why invite them?

Also, I agree with everyone else, stop talking wedding plans with her and don't have high expectations of her either.

slpankuch

Personally if she is going to be that petty, I would exclude her from all wedding planning. She is just stressing you out anyway. Only tell her stuff when she asks.
Your FI and mother are your best resources when planning. They are the people that you should fall on to help with the planning.
I would tell her that she has to pay for her friends at the wedding..you have an extremely large wedding (600 people?! really?! you know your entire day is going to be thanking people for coming!) and I would tell her if she wants special food for her friends, she will be paying. 

graysquirrel

I think that your sister seems to be holding on to some really petty issues. She needs to put on her big girl panties and buck up if she is upset over parties from 15 years ago. I've seen friendships destroyed over bach parties and it is pathetic.

That being said, pps are right that she doesn't have to help you, just like you didn't have to help her. I'd stop sharing wedding plans with her and move on. Showers can be given by anyone. If your FILs want to give you one apart from her, they can.

I think it is really rude of her to call vendors, but you should accomodate dietary needs. Caterers are used to this and should be able to easily do it. I would definitely call your vendors and tell them that only certain people should be making changes.

renegade gaucho

Her antics involving two people, while inappropriate, hardly equate to destroying your wedding.  Why are you even inviting her friends to your wedding?  And hopefully your caterer, as a professional, told your sister that only the people who signed the contract are authorized to make decisions regarding the services that will be provided.

Muffin'sMom

Have a conversation with your caterer about who is authorized to make changes.  That being said, most caterers will gladly provide a vegetarian option with no extra charge and it is the gracious thing to do.  As for the rest, perhaps someone else will step up and plan a shower and bachelorette.  She clearly has not let go.  Don't try to force what is not there. 

redheadtmk

I just wanted to say I am glad your illness was not terminal!!!

Viczaesar

You're inviting 600 people to your wedding?

kd137108

If this is bothering you so much invite her to lunch or something and simply and CALMLY explain that her "joking" hurts your feelings and that you understand that she was probably hurt that you weren't very involved in her wedding. My sister married when I was 17 as well so I couldn't go to the bachlorette party and her mother-in-law planned all the showers and things. I know I was hurt that I couldn't help and so to make up for it I want to offer her to be involved as much as she'd like.

And as a sidenote: I am a vegetarian and I feel bad when people have to change menus. I know its only 2 people but talking to your caterer about a possible vegan option would be nice. She shouldn't have gone behind your back but by adding that option for them would probably make them happy/more comfortable.